Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Taking Back My Power

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“When you fight something, you’re tied to it forever. As long as you’re fighting it, you’re giving it power." 
-- Anthony de Mello
"What you resist persists. And only what you look at, and own, can disappear. You make it disappear by simply changing your mind about it."
-- Neale Donald Walsch
I have been stressing about a bunch of things lately. I’m kinda ignoring most of last month ‘cuz I feel I wasn’t true to it. A big thank you goes out to all of you who wished me a Happy Birthday. For the most part, it really wasn’t but c’est le vie. I did get scads of yarn which I will showcase a little later…and all of it is so yummy I just don’t know what to do with myself. My sis also got me the Michael Praed Robin Hood series which is yummy in a whole different way. ;)

I know that when life gives you lemons you make lemon aid…but my throat closes up and I stop breathing when I smell, taste or am 1 foot away from anything citrus…so bad analogy.

This month there will only be two goals:
1. Survive Maryland Sheep and Wool lamb cook-off (come see us at 10 on Sunday)
2. Survive Spring Fling

I think I’ve been trying to do too many things that I need to be accountable for. (who me?) So I’m going to par down on the goals because other stuff always comes up and then I feel bad I didn’t get my list done.

I’m working on baby steps trying to change the way I see things. Take for instance the bit of knitting I started to ease the whole “Masters fear” I’ve been going through. I doubled up a knit repeat. Now I could rip the whole thing out but it doesn’t look bad if I make it into a pattern…so after talking to DH I’ve decided to keep it and call it a pattern change. BTW I got this yarn with my prize money at last year’s Sheep and Wool. It is a hemp blend and the dealer can be found in my sidebar.

But the Masters is changing me. I can’t seem to automatically knit anymore. I’m thinking about each stitch, worrying that my purls are rowing out, is my ribbing tight, am I elongating a stitch by pushing in my needles too far and my favorite…is the cast on I chose the right one for this project?

I know that it is good to learn and grow and life is dependent on it but my knitting has slowed…my rhythm is lost…I feel adrift in a sea of rules and regulations that are changing me.

I’m not resisting the change if it makes me a better knitter but at times it is scary and frustrating…as change can be.

I find it interesting that just as I lost my ability to relax and breathe during knitting I gained a new breathing technique that relaxes and rejuvenates me. I have been deep breathing for five minutes before bed and I am sleeping better then I have in years and I wake up refreshed and ready to face the day.

So as one door closes another opens…the Goddess always provides what I need when I need it. I start May with a fresh new outlook. I may be knitting a bit slower because I’m watching each stitch be birthed into existence but I’m learning and growing as I do so.

Happy crafting,

Ruinwen
:)

7 comments:

Stickchicky said...

Everything usually does work out in the end. I hope May is more relaxing for you. I envy the fact that you will be at MDSWF I have been dying to go for years. Good Luck!

Marlene said...

I found that when I really got going on my samples for Level I the same thing happened to me. I started over analysing my every little knitting move. I was not able to relax and move forward until I consciously let go of some of my perfectionism. In the end "good enough" was more than enough to pass the level.

I still have to watch to keep those decreases at the tips of the needles though. I don't normally knit at the tips of my needles, so doing so just for the decreases does not come naturally. To tell you the truth, I see so little difference in the end result that I really doubt it is something I will be concerned about in my day to day knitting. "Slightly better" is not worth ruining my knitting zen.

Anonymous said...

Well first of all--HAPPY BIRTHDAY
The fear of doing it WRONG makes us live in FEAR. If you make a mistake in knitting you can rip it out and that is one of the great things about knitting. If it's not PERFECT, do we ever think we are PERFECT enough? NEVER-- I HATE THAT WORD.
Congratulations on taking this class and increasing your skills. I suffer from the PERFECT thing too and it has helped me to read this post. I have been suffering too and what I think is-lets try harder to look at this learning in a gentle and loving way rather than being so darn critical of ourselves..
I am so glade to have another post from you....and thanks for all of your kind words.....

Kimberly said...

You know that is one of the reasons I've not done the master's program. I'm concerned that I'll become so obsessed about whether I'm doing it "properly" that I will lose the enjoyment of knitting!

I hope you get through this awkward phase and come out the other side all the better for it! :)

Birdsong said...

Call it a "design innovation" (heard that from the commentator at the Black Sheep Gathering fashion show a few years back). I think you have just talked me out of the Masters' program; perfectionism is really not very important to me and innovation and enjoying what I am doing is... hang in there and keep the big picture in mind.

Nana Sadie said...

Yes. The Goddess provides what we need when we need it.
I'm glad you're easing up a bit?
(and I know something you bought yourSELF for your b'day, but I ain't tellin' - that's for you to do!)
((((hugs))))

Bianca said...

I just read the rules and regulations of becoming a master knitter. Sad that this is for the US only - would have loved to try their challenges ;-) I consider myself an expert knitter in a way, but in what you write I feel that the Master's program is slowly putting you in a knitter's block. Try to knit something for yourself after your swatch is done for the Masters, to simply enjoy the craft and the rhythm of the needles.