Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Just Breathe

Breath is the link between the inner and outer worlds.
- Alice Christensen

You know how when you start something there is sometimes that moment in which you inwardly shriek in terror at the Herculean task you have accepted? At the moment of inception there is such a great doubt that you can ever complete such a monumental undertaking?

I must say when we started cleaning Dad’s house a year and a half ago, I really didn’t think that this day would ever come. I tried to imagine it and stay true to the plan but in my head I had my doubts.

Last week we used our vacation to clean the house and move my Father to the same assisted living as my Mother. This gigantic task could not have been completed without the support and strong muscles of my soul mate and best friend. DH has been a miracle to me throughout this entire process…as he always is. I am very blessed.

My sister who has been through the whole process, mourned with me and Dad as we moved him out of his home. Sis was amazing at helping us do what needed to be done and being able to fill in the gaps as we went. She helped set up Dad at AL when I was too tired to move and helped make the move a smooth one. The God and Goddess have blessed me by giving me such a wonderful sister.

I was also incredibly blessed that my BF and her whole family (much to their dismay) helped us most of the week. Without her, I’m sure Dad would have never made it up here. She used her first week of summer vacation to help me move…there is no greater love then that.

My nephew also lent us a hand and made a huge difference to the time in which it took to get the truck loaded on the last day. My knitting friend came to help us when we were ready to drop and she made unloading go so much easier that we all got a second wind and could finish the job.

Nana and Pop Pop watched my son for the week and that too was a blessing since we basically left in the morning and crawled into bed each night exhausted. It was nice to know he was having fun with people he loves.

Another knitting friend covered for me on our square project. She updated and answered e-mails and that really meant so much to me.

My support system is awesome. I am so blessed! When I needed help, everyone was there. And I can never thank you all enough. From the nice lady at Starbucks who saves me almond toffee nut bars to the nice lady learning to make drinks that poured me my mudslide on Friday night…and everyone in between…May the God and Goddess bless you all.

Having good friends is like having oxygen suddenly when you were struggling to breathe a moment before. It lightens your soul and somehow makes it all easier to bear.

I went to visit Dad and he wasn’t there so I tried again yesterday and caught him before he went out again. It was such a joy to see him so happy. As much as I know he misses the house and his old life, I can see that he is settling into this one. He has new people to tell his stories and show his pictures. There are many Vets there so he feels right at home. He is with his “beautiful girl” (that’s what he has been calling Mom the past few days) again and the loneliness of being apart from her is gone from him.

You know that commercial with the lines like…one moving truck for 4 days…one 10 foot dumpster…a year and a half of toting stuff back to our home. Dad smiling in his new room...PRICELESS. To see Dad happy makes the aches go away and it all falls into place. I am so happy and thankful…and blessed.

Last week is a blur…but I’m slowly cleaning up and finding where I was. I haven’t really been crafting much. But that is okay.

For now I’m just going to take the time to breathe and reconnect.

Bright blessings,

Tuesday, June 02, 2009


Obsidian, originally uploaded by Ruinwen.

Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.
-- Orison Swett Marden

I don’t know if I’ve told you before how terrified I am of death; which is so ironic since my name means “reaper”. But I am. I’m always afraid that this is it and wow, haven’t I really messed up this one chance that I’ve been given to make something wonderful of the time I’ve been given?

I believe in reincarnation and other worlds and so much other stuff that I take on faith. It seems stupid to be afraid of death when in my heart I believe we go on in some form or fashion. But I am.
When Obsidian died in our arms a week ago there was no fear or hesitation. My son and I watched vigil for the 15 minutes between us finding him unable to move and the moment he left us for his next life.

My son the old soul that he is asked the God and Goddess, “All I ask is in his next life may he find a family that loved him as much as we did.”

I believe in my heart he will.

My life seems to be developing holes in it as of late. When my LYS closed it formed a little yellow hole in our town. I couldn’t just stop by and see friends or sit and knit for a little with people I cared about. It still feels weird to see the building without the sign…like something isn’t quite right in my world.

Obsidian passing created a huge hole in my heart and in our home. I am happy that he hardly suffered, the steroids kept him going to the very end. We spoiled and loved him to his last breath. When he died he was surrounded by people who loved him and always will. But I miss him fiercely.

I realize that it has been over a month since I posted and that too seemed like a hole I just couldn’t fill. How can I sum up my feelings in a sentence or two and create colorful antidotes when the words just won’t flow?

But in the world of circles and cycles after each death comes a rebirth and I feel it is time to try and find my place again and leave the holes open to welcome in new things. Nothing is forgotten but time lessens the pain a bit each day and there is still so much to do I can’t stop for long.

I’ve missed your blogs and I’m out of touch but give me a few and I will find my way back.

Not all who wander are lost.

Bright blessings,