Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Summer Storms

“Just as the tumultuous chaos of a thunderstorm brings a nurturing rain that allows life to flourish, so too in human affairs times of advancement are preceded by times of disorder. Success comes to those who can weather the storm.”
-- I Ching No. 3

I know I’ve been quiet and far away from blog land and I’ve missed everyone. Life as it is has been as of late has been difficult. The spaces that I used to breathe in seem few and far between. It just seems so hard to get it all in.

Sometimes I just feel so trapped by all the things I cannot change. And I know that this trapping is in my head. So instead of focusing my energy into things that I cannot control I have been working on me. I’m trying to unlearn everything and it is a slow process.

Being a caregiver is not so easy when it someone you love. I used to enjoy being a candy striper and helping people. I designed a garden so that the residents could enjoy the beauty of the flowers and plants. I would sit and learn to crochet dishcloths that they would then sell to earn money for charity.

How I pictured moving Mom up here to assisted living is very different from the reality. I was hoping it would give us more time to get to know one another. I never dreamed how panicked and frightened she would become. I didn’t realize that I would become the adult and she would become the child. How could I have fathomed these daily calls of her discontent would rip my heart out?

It seems everyone is going through this with their parents and everyone has advice. See her less get her to assert her independence. She went on suicide watch. Lay down the law and use tough love. She didn’t stop crying for days. Ignore it and make a joke. She doesn’t get them and it only upsets her more.

So what to do? I just do my best. I try and address her needs without letting her guilt me into feeling that her hating assisted living is my fault. And that is hard to do. I try to get her to enjoy life which, she avoids as much as possible. And it hurts.

I love her so much and it truly is painful to see her so unhappy. I try and address her every need and I see her four times a week plus the whole family comes once a week too. I wash her laundry so it doesn’t have harsh chemicals. I do everything I can to make it easier for her. But it is never enough and it tears on me horribly.

Today is my beloved Mother’s birthday and my parent’s anniversary. Please send her and my wonderful Father good thoughts today. We may have had our ups and downs over the years but I have always thought myself fortunate to have such loving and caring parents.

I am also incredibly blessed that I have such a wonderful DH. He has helped to take Mom hither and yon. He is always there to uplift and support me and insists that I do things for myself and take time outs when I need to. He is amazing in so many ways…even after 11 years just thinking of him makes me smile! :)

My sis has been great too. She helps with the shopping and other weekly tasks. It is great that we can share the responsibilities and make it easier on each other. It is great that there is someone just as weird as I am in this world…so when I break out into song my sis is right there with the harmony. :)

And all of you…you all mean so much to me. I still can’t just erase all those RSS feeds since they are your life stories while I’ve been away. I thank everyone for your words of comfort and support and even if sometimes it seems that I’m ignoring you…I’m not. You all are the best and I love you all! :)
My Son's MothFun in the MudDigging up the PastDem Bones
My son just turned 7! He had a few things that he wanted me to share. First this is his moth that he raised from a caterpillar. Both of his insects survived this year and he was so proud. Soon he will be raising painted lady butterflies and he is so excited!

He had an archeological dig for his birthday. All the kids really enjoyed themselves…including the bigger ones *grin*. After unearthing the bones the kids built them into models. It was a really fun and educational project.
Ball of Yarn Project
Finally, this is what I have knit in all this time. A wonderfully fun scarf which can be found here. It is for the Ball of Yarn Blog. I’m so happy I was able to finish something. The minute I cast this beauty on I was awed by the way the stitches look and it was love at first sight. So much so that I have cast on another in some yummy green merino from MD S&W.

I am also working on WIPs…hoping to finish something but not stressing about it.

I’m really not sure where I am going or what my goals right now are. I just want to be a good wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend to all who are dear to me. I want to eat mostly healthy meals with correct portion sizes. I want to maintain my weight and health. I want to get at least 8 hours of sleep every night. But mostly I want to enjoy life with those I love.

Have a wonderful day!