Moving On

The message we give our bodies -- one of irritation or acceptance -- is the message to which our bodies will answer."

-- Deb Shapiro, Your Body Speaks Your Mind

I wanted to see how long it actually took to make one of these squares for the Quilt (Square counterpane With Leaves) blanket. There are 49 rounds plus the bind off to a square, and that really isn’t a lot. I finished a square during eight hours of TV...not consecutively.

There are a lot of things I really love about this pattern. One, I get to start it on dpn’s and then move to circs. I love using dpns…I don’t know why…but I do. Two, since there are four needles or four repeats; however you wish to look at it, there are four of them. I can spot check my numbers and see how everything is going on the first needle and then just "read" the knitting through the other three. This is my favorite part of the knitting process; when it becomes zen. There is no checking back and forth in the pattern because I have internalized it. And three, I love fitting it into the already knitted parts of the blanket and three-needle binding-off and “poof” it is done.

My goal here is to change the way I look at things. When I started this project I had in my head that it would be a long-term project. I think that translates to…I think I can work on this for a little bit and then put it away and not feel bad about it.

But really if I only knit on it a little each night I can finish a square a week without changing the way I do anything. BTW I can knit up a square motif during lunch during the day for my shawl. A little time each day is being devoted to my current projects and they are progressing nicely. My MAK scarf of the week is already done and passed on to the next person.

I’m feeling pretty good about my focal projects right now.

So I had to do this. There are all kinds of knotty ideas are going through my head right now. The greatest thing about this project is that we already had all the materials in the house. My blocking board served wonderfully as a knotting board. I was really happy how this turned out. This knot took no time at all.

See I must have wanted to do this before because I already had this book when I ordered it a second time. I must have thought about it and then beat myself up about how I couldn’t do it and then never even tried.

Well, I’m not that person anymore. I got my book this weekend and had a knot done before hubby could find the second cord from the garage. I can’t wait to tackle the harder ones.

So, if you want the extra book let me know. If I have a bunch of people who want it I will hold a raffle or something.

Oh, this came off the blocking board. It’s been there for a while and I totally forgot about it. What I need is one room where everything can live together so stuff like this doesn’t happen. But that is a dream that will have to remain on hold for a while.

Anywaaaaay, isn’t she pretty? I really enjoyed this knit and have enough yarn leftover to make a second one if I so choose.

As I end this month, I feel that I'm in a better place. I am certain that all this self-work that I have done has borne fruit and that I am stronger for it. I can clearly see that all the little changes I have made since the beginning of the year are forming a cohesive whole within my being. I know I still have a long way to go…but at least I feel like I’ve really committed to the journey this time.

Have a super weekend!
*hugs*
:)

The Hole In My Heart

"The whole secret of freedom from anxiety over not having enough time lies not in working more hours, but in the proper planning of the hours."
-- Frank Bettger

This picture always makes me smile. These are the happy feet from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Socks. This was a community KAL we did where we each knit eight rows of any sock yarn on each other’s socks. It was fun and took no time at all but look at the results! Such amazing colors and variations! Mine are the pink and green ones…since I had to be totally crazy with them. lol

Right now we are doing a Malabrigo lengthwise scarf KAL. The yarn is so yummy. Four rows is not enough…I just want to keep knitting. lol

If you read this blog then you know that community is really big with me. I love giving back to the town I adore so much and I am always happy to hang out with my crafty friends. So once again we are doing our Community Lapghan project. One of the gals wanted to make her own lapghan instead of doing squares like we did last year and I thought that was a great idea!

So here is the start of mine. I’ll still make squares too and help join them…but this lapghan is will be completely made by me. I fell in love with this when I saw it on Ravelry. Everything for the Assisted Living has to be washable so I’m making it in Red Heart. My wonderful DH picked out the colors. My favorite part of this blanket is the three-needle bind off. I found a complementary colorway that has all the colors of the blanket in it from Carron. And while organizing my stash I found enough to do a border. *yay*

Speaking of organizing…I tried Dianna in the Blue Heron cotton and hated it. I even went to the third tier…again…just to see if my opinion changed when the squares were picked up. It didn’t. Don’t get me wrong the yarn is lovely…I just wasn’t feeling the cotton for this pattern.

DH and I rummaged through my stash to find something with long colorways with enough yardage…I find it so disheartening when I have all this stash and nothing ever works with it. But this time I found…way in the back…two balls of merino that I bought when I just started knitting…and I’d been saving for a shawl.

I know a lot of people hate lace with heavy yarn and big needles…but I find it irresistible it as long as the stitch definition is excellent. I am in love with this yarn…in love with this project…and I have made it past the third tier.

For me, shifting my focus to this one project is working. I cast this on for the third time on Saturday morning and look at it now! When you only have one thing to keep your attention on then it is amazing how quickly the knitting goes!

In this vein, I’ve come to a decision that I think will help me work through some of these pent up feelings that I have. Through this blog, you have seen me strive to understand how my feelings affect other facets of my being and I learned something about myself that I didn’t know before.

Having all these WIPs makes me angry at myself. I’m angry that I don’t have more discipline to finish what I started. Some of these projects are six years old. I’ve been working really hard on finishing them this year and my WIP stash has been cut in half already this year…but that is not good enough.

When I went to MD S and W…which was awesome….I saw at Brooks Farm, a shawl in their booth which I have at home. A shawl which I fell in love with and bought the yarn and even started…and then put aside in a basket three years ago.

And it made me mad at myself. And I realize that is what I feel every time I look at my WIP list which sits on my altar and greets me every day…anger….frustration…and general annoyance.

And really, I’m not pointing fingers at you my dear readers. Everyone has a system that works for them and I am not judging your choices or saying that my way is the right way. This is about me and my choices and how they affect my being.

Aries already have the boon that they are ruled by Mars…two war gods…an endless supply of untapped anger. I always have to fight to rein in my emotions…even if I am a generally happy person most of the time. I’m like an unlit match…it just takes one thing to cross that line and *poof* I’m fighting back the anger.

Whenever I find sources of potential anger that I can eliminate from my life; I jump at the chance to eradicate them.

This shawl has taught me a lot about myself. I realized that I kept casting on all these projects to fill a void in me that I didn’t know existed. But the abyss was not what I thought it was…and all the yarn and all the projects in the world would never fill the hole that existed in me.

This year for the first time in 23 years something else had filled that hole. For so long I’ve kept busy trying to jam pack every moment so I could make up for something I couldn’t forgive myself for…even if I thought I had.

And here it is in a nutshell…I got pregnant in high school and gave birth to a beautiful daughter. Wanting the best life for her possible I gifted her to another family who could love and care for her like I never could.

I know it was the right thing for me to do. But this little voice has always nagged at me for abandoning my child…for giving up and not even trying. That voice was the reason that my husband and I were going to only have cats instead of children. He has always been supportive of my feelings and I thank the Goddess every day for such a wonderful, loving partner.

One day everything in me shifted and I knew I wanted to create a child with this fantastic man…and we did. And that little bundle of joy started healing the hole in me from the day he was born.



I no longer feel like a “bad mother”. I may mess things up and all...because I am human. But I know every time my son hugs me that I must be doing something right. He gave me flowers for Mother’s Day…beautiful roses from my amazing little man.

Emotions are tricky…and just because the hole is healed it doesn’t mean that my feelings of love for my daughter have changed. It just means that I can look forward instead of back for the first time in 23 years.

I realize all these projects I have abandoned were to punish myself. All these years of starting things and not finishing them I was trying to sabotage myself. I can see that very clearly now.

My Mother did the same thing in a different way. She bought things to heal her hole from the past. Most times they never even got out of the box. And no matter how many things she bought the pain of the past never lessened.

I started things unconsciously intending not to finish them because for 23 years I’ve felt like a failure and I have created situations where I reinforced that sense of dis-accomplishment.

And now that whole cycle has been broken…I resent all these projects that I’ve abandoned…but I see the symmetry of how nature works and it makes me smile. I’m left with the emotions with no source or reason and it all feels out of balance.

So, in this bizarre journey, I have taken to understand why I do the things I do, I’m going to finish all my WIPs. After this beautiful shawl is done I’m going to commit my Summer to working on all my forsaken projects. I know if I can focus on one project at a time that I can finish all the ones that are left. So that is what I’m going to do.

I will give each project my love and support and treat it with respect. I will enjoy the process and honor the yarn with each stitch. This is not a chore but something I am looking forward to doing.

Then I can start a new project in the Fall with my needles and my head, free and clear.

Have a great weekend,
Ruinwen
:)