Just Breathe

Breath is the link between the inner and outer worlds.
- Alice Christensen

You know how when you start something there is sometimes that moment in which you inwardly shriek in terror at the Herculean task you have accepted? At the moment of inception there is such a great doubt that you can ever complete such a monumental undertaking?

I must say when we started cleaning Dad’s house a year and a half ago, I really didn’t think that this day would ever come. I tried to imagine it and stay true to the plan but in my head I had my doubts.

Last week we used our vacation to clean the house and move my Father to the same assisted living as my Mother. This gigantic task could not have been completed without the support and strong muscles of my soul mate and best friend. DH has been a miracle to me throughout this entire process…as he always is. I am very blessed.

My sister who has been through the whole process, mourned with me and Dad as we moved him out of his home. Sis was amazing at helping us do what needed to be done and being able to fill in the gaps as we went. She helped set up Dad at AL when I was too tired to move and helped make the move a smooth one. The God and Goddess have blessed me by giving me such a wonderful sister.

I was also incredibly blessed that my BF and her whole family (much to their dismay) helped us most of the week. Without her, I’m sure Dad would have never made it up here. She used her first week of summer vacation to help me move…there is no greater love then that.

My nephew also lent us a hand and made a huge difference to the time in which it took to get the truck loaded on the last day. My knitting friend came to help us when we were ready to drop and she made unloading go so much easier that we all got a second wind and could finish the job.

Nana and Pop Pop watched my son for the week and that too was a blessing since we basically left in the morning and crawled into bed each night exhausted. It was nice to know he was having fun with people he loves.

Another knitting friend covered for me on our square project. She updated and answered e-mails and that really meant so much to me.

My support system is awesome. I am so blessed! When I needed help, everyone was there. And I can never thank you all enough. From the nice lady at Starbucks who saves me almond toffee nut bars to the nice lady learning to make drinks that poured me my mudslide on Friday night…and everyone in between…May the God and Goddess bless you all.

Having good friends is like having oxygen suddenly when you were struggling to breathe a moment before. It lightens your soul and somehow makes it all easier to bear.

I went to visit Dad and he wasn’t there so I tried again yesterday and caught him before he went out again. It was such a joy to see him so happy. As much as I know he misses the house and his old life, I can see that he is settling into this one. He has new people to tell his stories and show his pictures. There are many Vets there so he feels right at home. He is with his “beautiful girl” (that’s what he has been calling Mom the past few days) again and the loneliness of being apart from her is gone from him.

You know that commercial with the lines like…one moving truck for 4 days…one 10 foot dumpster…a year and a half of toting stuff back to our home. Dad smiling in his new room...PRICELESS. To see Dad happy makes the aches go away and it all falls into place. I am so happy and thankful…and blessed.

Last week is a blur…but I’m slowly cleaning up and finding where I was. I haven’t really been crafting much. But that is okay.

For now I’m just going to take the time to breathe and reconnect.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

Holes

Obsidian, originally uploaded by Ruinwen.

Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.
-- Orison Swett Marden

I don’t know if I’ve told you before how terrified I am of death; which is so ironic since my name means “reaper”. But I am. I’m always afraid that this is it and wow, haven’t I really messed up this one chance that I’ve been given to make something wonderful of the time I’ve been given?

I believe in reincarnation and other worlds and so much other stuff that I take on faith. It seems stupid to be afraid of death when in my heart I believe we go on in some form or fashion. But I am.
When Obsidian died in our arms a week ago there was no fear or hesitation. My son and I watched vigil for the 15 minutes between us finding him unable to move and the moment he left us for his next life.

My son the old soul that he is asked the God and Goddess, “All I ask is in his next life may he find a family that loved him as much as we did.”

I believe in my heart he will.

My life seems to be developing holes in it as of late. When my LYS closed it formed a little yellow hole in our town. I couldn’t just stop by and see friends or sit and knit for a little with people I cared about. It still feels weird to see the building without the sign…like something isn’t quite right in my world.

Obsidian passing created a huge hole in my heart and in our home. I am happy that he hardly suffered, the steroids kept him going to the very end. We spoiled and loved him to his last breath. When he died he was surrounded by people who loved him and always will. But I miss him fiercely.

I realize that it has been over a month since I posted and that too seemed like a hole I just couldn’t fill. How can I sum up my feelings in a sentence or two and create colorful antidotes when the words just won’t flow?

But in the world of circles and cycles after each death comes a rebirth and I feel it is time to try and find my place again and leave the holes open to welcome in new things. Nothing is forgotten but time lessens the pain a bit each day and there is still so much to do I can’t stop for long.

I’ve missed your blogs and I’m out of touch but give me a few and I will find my way back.

Not all who wander are lost.
Tolkien

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

Bittersweet

Chaos results when the world changes faster than people.
-Anon

I have so many emotions running through me at this moment that I feel adrift on a sea of confliction. I have been trying as of late, to kept the chaos swirling around me instead of through me. It seems I’m failing.

The doing for everyone is easy. I can organize, clean, plan and scheme. It is the deep intense feeling that is causing my routines to skip a beat here and there; thus throwing off order in my universe.

I really don’t know what to do about it except change faster then the flux around me. There is no way to do that with all my tendrils of emotion being dragged and scattered on the four winds. Lately I feel less then whole and I just don’t know how to repair me.

On one hand I have the most wonderful friends who threw me a super birthday and I could gush about it seven ways to Sunday because it was that good. All my friends…virtual or otherwise…rock. I’m blessed to have you all in my life. And I’m sorry that I’ve been ignoring blogs and such. I’ve barely been keeping up with e-mail but I’ve gleaned enough love to know that you all have sent well wishes and prayers and they all mean so much. I am thankful for each and every one of you. :)

Then there is the other hand...the one that I usually can put to the back of my head for a time and smile and be the Ruinwen you know. In the beginning of this blog I just posted projects and knitting and then I got to know you and you encouraged me to let more and more of myself show. I found a place I could talk, vent, examine, pose questions or just share what was on my mind…and it gave me a great joy to do so.

But lately I find little time for crafting…though I squeeze every ounce of time out of my Friday night at Starbucks with the girls. The things that balanced me and kept me sane seem so few and far between. I hate that when I come to this blog I sound so needy…so lost. It is not a me that I’m used to dealing with and I still reread these words and wonder who this person is that I’m becoming?

Can I be this rock that everyone thinks I am? Even rocks will erode with enough elements beating against them. How can one stay strong for everyone and yet whole for themselves?

Until I find out the answers to those questions I’m just muddling through the best that I can.

Obsidan has cancer as we suspected and the vet has no idea how much longer he will be with us. Right now the mass cells have not invaded his organs and you wouldn’t know from his constant demands that there is anything wrong with him. We are spoiling and loving him as much as possible and will continue to do so until the very end.

This was my Mother’s last holiday at home. She can’t make it up the steps anymore. She won’t walk or do anything to strengthen her body and now it is ceasing to work for her. With her short term memory gone life is very frustrating for her and she is terribly unhappy. She keeps telling me that she lived too long. It breaks my heart.

Dad confided in me that he no longer cares about getting up and getting dressed in the morning. I can see the depression settling in and a familiar pattern taking place but seem helpless to stop it. On the one hand he wants us to clean the house and the other it is killing him to see everything disappear. There is no happy middle ground. He wants to be with Mom but not in AL. He hasn’t made appointments for the doctor and is just letting it all go.

I realized this weekend that my role was going to increase as I know that I need to step in and take over this whole thing with Dad. He needs to get out of that house and be in a place where people can help him…he needs to be with Mom. I need to make this happen. So I took off a week (my only vacation) and DH and I will clean with Sis and possibly a few friends. I will get a truck and get everything out of there that needs to go. I will make sure the house is empty if that is what it takes so that Dad will come up here.

I don’t know if I told you about my son. He is having trouble keeping up in school and DH and I have been working with him as much as possible in the afternoons on everything from Math (which I am terrible at), Science and English. We have all been working very hard to bring him back up to grade level or beyond. And I feel that it is finally paying off. He has only missed one word on his spelling in the past six weeks now. He is reading better and can identify more words. It is a joy to see his confidence climb and all this hard work is so worth it.

Another change to our household is my BIL finally got his divorce and will keep sole custody of the kids. My ex-SIL gets them every other weekend and Tuesday nights for dinner and a bunch of holidays and things. Where as this is the normal progression for a separated family. These are the first visits unsupervised and it has us all a little leery.

At the same time it gives my BIL some time to do things that need to be done. He is such an amazing Dad but everybody needs some down time and he gets so little of that. This will be the first weekend without them in so long I know it will be a hard one for him. He is all about his kids. The whole thing is very bittersweet.

So that is the long and short of what is going on. Thank you for wrapping me in your thoughts and sending prayers…everything you do or say means so much to me. Again, I apologize for not being on the computer so much. I feel horrible about it but I’m doing the best I can.

All my love and light,

Ruinwen
:)

Borrowed Time

Obsidian, originally uploaded by Ruinwen.

A Cat's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep...
I sleep right in the center groove
My human can hardly move!

I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and "I want food!"

I sneak up slowly to begin
My nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up quickly, I have sharp teeth -
And my claws I will unsheath

For the morning's here and it's time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.

The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night.

-Author Unknown

I want to share all the amazing things I accomplished this weekend but I feel like a fraud. I cleaned and gardened to keep my mind busy. I was afraid if I stopped moving the tears would fall and never stop.

My beloved Obsidian is very sick. I don’t know how much longer he will be with us.

We spent the weekend letting him do all the things he loved. He basked in the sun as I gardened and cleaned the garage. We fed him his favorite foods and one of us was always with him giving him love and lots of petting.

My poor purry furry has been living on borrowed time for a while now.

There was one month that seems so long ago now where my Mother was hospitalized and almost died. My Father on visiting her fell and we found out he had blood on his brain. He was hospitalized and almost died.

At home Obsidian was being treated for cancer; it was only luck that we found it in time. Widdershins our other cat had an infected uterus and if it had burst would have died.

All four beings that I love dearly had a horrible brush with death and all survived and recovered. It was nothing short of a miracle…an amazing blessing. I am so thankful for all the extra time that I’ve been given with my parents and my kitties.

But it seems my sweet Obsidian is fighting a battle with a powerful enemy and he may not grace our house much longer. We have at least a week before the tests come back to spend with him. I’m thankful that I can tell him how much he means to me. I will miss him so much. We all will.

So please pray for my sweet fluffy guy that he doesn’t suffer or feel any pain. I want his last days to be full of hugs, treats, sunbeams and the knowledge that he is truly loved.

If I’m MIA on blogs and such…I hope you can understand.

Have a happy Passover, Easter or whatever Spring rebirth holiday you celebrate. :)

All my love and light,
Ruinwen
:)

Knittin' Chicks To Close Their Doors

My LYS, originally uploaded by Ruinwen.

My beloved LYS has been struggling for a while now to keep afloat. At the end of April Knittin' Chicks will close their doors forever. :(

I have so many happy memories of my LYS and the people that made it special. If not for Dalia and her shop I would not be the knitter that I am today. If not for the friends I made at that marble table I would not know what community really is.

Everything has to go and this includes all the books, bins, computer, needles and of course the yarn.

I wish Dalia the best on the next leg of her journey and thank her for the wonderful LYS which will always hold a special place in my heart.

Choices

Just because we increase the speed of information doesn't mean we can increase the speed of decisions. Pondering, reflecting and ruminating are undervalued skills in our culture.
-- Dale Dauten

Chances are if you read this then you are computer literate. You may be downloading a pattern, while IMing a friend, during which you are uploading pictures to your favorite site and at the same time you are stopping here to read my blog. *waves, “Hi”*

Computers are wonderful tools when they work and they create a terrible void when they don’t. Luckily they are good multitaskers since they generate the need to be in more then one place at once.

When you click with your mouse each press of the button is a choice. It seems so easy to make pick a preference when it comes to surfing the web. When you like something you download it and try it, if you don’t well that is okay because most trials are free.

If life was like the computer you could hit undo when you do something really stupid or go back to three days before you did something stupid. You could erase, edit and spell-check your words before they fell streaming out of your mouth. And best of all choices would be easy to make.

I’m horrible at making choices. I always have been. Either I’m impulsive and latch on to something without thinking it through or I have to research every detail before I decide. Both paths lead me to question my choice.

In Bach Essences there is a remedy for that: cerato. This is Dr. Bach’s description of people who could benefit from cerato, “Those who have not sufficient confidence in themselves to make their own decisions. They constantly seek advice from others, and are often misguided.”
- taken from The Twelve Healers and Other Remedies

Yep that’s me. I’ve worked over the years to be happy with my choices but at the core I am not a good decider. Case in point, we have these traveling scarves we are doing in our group and I have to decide what to add to each section. Sometimes it is too much to choose and stick to that choice so I bring it in and take a popular opinion vote at group. I really lack faith in my own judgment especially when it comes to something for someone else.

At the same time I believe that getting other people involved in what I’m doing enforces community. I like a little bit of everyone in the projects I do…it makes them mean more. Truly that is a beautiful thing to weave my friendships into my stitches and feel their love and support in my project.



I felt the love yesterday when I received my beautiful surprise birthday package from Birdsong! She created this beautiful hat for me and I love everything about it! The flower is perfect the color is my favorite…everything about this is a treasure! She included a cotton washcloth for my spiritual baths and it is so nubbly. All from her talented fingers…I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life! Finally there was a little tin of lip balm to keep my lips happy. That will go straight into my knitting bag. What a thoughtful and sweet gift. Thank you Birdsong! :)

Another gift I received was from my sweet sister. I had been reading a book about tarot and they mentioned this amazing deck that was dedicated to the creatures of all countries…and I fell in love. I agonized about getting another deck. Was I just making another hasty decision that I would regret later? Was it really calling to me? Did I really need another deck?

I kept coming back to this deck over and over until my sister offered to buy it for me. This is one decision that I’m really happy with. I love the rich drawings that depict creatures and beings from all over the globe. The cards really speak to me and I enjoyed my reading last night. Thank you again sis! :)



I needed to turn a heel and cast on a pair of socks with this beautiful Spirit Trail Fiberworks sock yarn from knitnana. Thank you knitnana! :) This was another surprise gift from a while ago and I’ve been waiting until I had time to actually make a pair of socks for me. And you know what? I will never have time to make a pair of socks for me with all that is going on…so I just cast them on. I think it was a superb decision. I’m in love with this yarn and the colorway is just gorgeous!

Another decision that I’m very happy I waited on was the planting of seeds. Last night it went below freezing and we had frost on the cars. It is hard to wait for the right day and the precise weather conditions. I’m chomping at the bit to plant and have new life and yummy herbal goodness.

I guess I can see that all my choices do not turn into regrets. I will also concede that maybe I have more faith in my abilities then I allow myself to admit. I never have someone proof my blog before I send it and even though I agonize over hitting that “publish” button…I do it.

Baby steps…

If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice
Rush, Freewill

Just maybe it doesn’t matter how you choose. Sometimes a second opinion is a smart option. There are other times when to do nothing is the only path that can be taken. In the end the choice is yours and yours alone. Choose well.

Have a great day!

Happy crafting!

Ruinwen
:)

Happiness Is...

... we can no longer afford to throw away even one ‘unimportant’ day by not noticing the wonder of it all. We have to be willing to discover and then appreciate the authentic moments of happiness available to all of us every day.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

What makes a day unimportant? Every day that we take a breath upon this beautiful Earth and spend another moment with our family and friends is precious. Each night before bed I am thankful for at least three specific moments during that day…I can never stop at three.

There are so many things that can so easily be taken for granted. During this economic crisis maybe we can see how blessed we are much clearer then before. I can see how chaos is everywhere and many of my friends are over burdened with hardships that are slowly breaking them.

I’ve always believed you do what you can and the rest takes care of itself for good or bad. One person can only handle so much…but with a few good friends you can do almost anything.

A kind word can bolster your soul. A helping hand can save you a time. A loving gesture can uplift your entire day. A good friend is a treasure beyond worth or measure.

My life is filled with chaos but my friends balance it out and in the end I think that makes all the difference. This weekend my BF and our families celebrated my birthday way early because there won’t be time for it later. We had a Twilight / Vampire / Fondue night that was out of this world. Have you ever tried chocolate fondue on bread? OMG that was delish!

The simplest things are so precious and I will hold this celebration in my heart for a long time. Sometimes that is all you need to get through the “other” stuff. One happy memory can last forever if you cherish it.

Right now it is all about the memories. We are cleaning the house in order to put it on the market. We have a date now: in July the house I grew up in will no longer be mine. My tree Fred that I planted in 1976 will belong to another. But I have the memory of making sure that fragile little sapling was kept wet all day. I wrapped him in damp paper towels and the water made all my homework run, but he survived. Now Fred towers above our soon-to-be-old-house and it makes me smile whenever I see him.

It is time to let go and I can do that with only a few tears because the thing that makes a house a home is the people in it and with Mom at AL…it feels strangely empty even now.

They believe something happened with Mom like a mini-stroke or something that wiped out her short term memory. But with the thought of Dad moving in actually on the horizon she seems happier. I also think the sun being stronger has a lot to do with it also.

I would say that it is actually warm here but I’d be lying. But that didn’t stop my crocuses. They keep pushing though because in adversity life goes on.

I finished another feather and fan scarf this weekend. I liked the “rose garden” feel to this one. If I can’t plant yet I’m going to bring in as much color as I can.

I’ve gotten the pattern together for my circle scarf and since I can only work on it when there is peace in the house…I haven’t started yet. lol

I had a silly little happy dance moment this weekend. I got up and went to Wal*mart when it opened so I could get Pokemon Platinum and they had this collectors game for the same price. This is a birthday present from my Dad and I can’t open it yet but it made me happy just the same. :)

I had such a wonderful weekend full of family, friends and unexpected blessings I just can’t stop smiling. :)

I wish the same happiness for all of you.

Happy crafting,

Ruinwen
:)