Friday, July 30, 2010


I had a quote but I lost it here is one that I heard somewhere....happiness is what you make it.

I have this nagging feeling when I enter the Assisted Living and put on my "happy" face. You know the face that smiles and is patient and kind no matter how much I might be screaming inside because my parents don't deserve that.

They are beautiful people and I always try to treat them with love and understanding.

*insert light bulb here"

Wouldn't it be amazing if I could do that with my life everyday? If I could take all these crazy feelings and just turn them around because I am just as deserving as my parent to be treated with kindness and respect?

It is easy to see a solution but some times it is elusive as a mountain in the distance. So using my gaming strategy that worked so well for my weight loss and financial serenity I knew that I needed a little help here and went to my guides and teachers who pointed me to the next essence up from cherry blossom.

*insert music of goal being achieved as magic potion is obtained to refill happiness meter*

It should be no surprise that this new essence is orange. I am deathly allergic to citric acid and oranges are something I have to avoid. So if I needed the energy of this fruit...I cannot get it except through the essence of it's flower which, has no citric acid...or maybe in honey from the orange blossoms.

I am hoping this essence will allow me to override my personal depression and allow joy and happiness to flow through my life again.

I am so blessed...I know that. But right now no matter what I do I just feel odds with my environment and my place in it. If I can't change what is around me then I have to try to change what lies within.

Bright blessings to you all,
Have a beautiful weekend!

Friday, July 23, 2010

The Big Dogs

"Most people are so busy knocking themselves out trying to do everything they think they should do, they never get around to do what they want to do."
-- Kathleen Winsor

Yeah, well I have nothing really to say this week. But I haven’t missed a Friday post for the whole year and I don’t want to start now.

So this is how I feel...but I'm not going to let the "big dogs" get me down.


Friday, July 16, 2010

No Sense of Direction

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright

LINKIN PARK, "Breaking The Habit"

This week I don’t have much positive stuff to say. I don’t want to BMC all over the blog again even though you all are understanding, wonderful and kind. I’ve kinda been withdrawing into myself and I know I’ve missed a bunch of stuff. Sorry about that.

I’m way behind on most of my goals but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I keep working on my tank on Fridays at meet up and that has to suffice for now.

I wanted to write this inspirational cat post. As you can see from the above picture, our cat corner is finally complete. I’m really happy with it. I’ve honored both my beloved boys. It makes me happy to have them together again since they loved each other so much.

Every weekend we get a little more done. We keep trading solutions to make a little more room here and there. I give away what I can. It is hard to fit two families under one roof but we are doing the best we can.

I’m trying to work on my peace-at-any-price nature which is happy to make sure others are content while making me miserable.

What makes one person be able to take insults and brings another to tears? What allows one person to love themselves while another only sees their faults?

Why is one person born with a perception filter that allows them to see the world as they choose and not as it truly is?

I want to change.

It was easy to diet. I say “easy” because there were rules and I followed them and got results. I played it like a game and won.

But these emotions that I’m wrestling with have no “rules”. There is no way to plan or work with them. They explode through me whether I’m ready for them or not. I’m afraid to harden myself though. I don’t want to lose myself while looking for answers.

And I’m afraid that it isn’t something that can be changed without giving away a part of me that is my core.

I’m an empath. I feel. That is what I do…it is at the core of who I am. It helps me to be a healer. Tuning into people’s emotions helps me to be a better friend to those I care about.

The problem is when those feelings are turned inward then everything is so intense and seems bigger then it really is…they take on a life of their own. The line between reality and emotion becomes blurred.

…and I become lost. Like I am now.

So this weekend while we are cleaning the garage I hope to do some inner work too…because right now I’m a mess.

*hugs to you all*



Friday, July 09, 2010

Spirit Rain

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

-- Dr. Seuss (via Elena)

Right now the East coast is suffering from an onslaught of unusual heat. Our grass is brown, dry and brittle and our gardens are just managing to hang on. I have no A/C in the car right now and after riding around in my little oven-mobile I feel drained.

DH thrives in high heat…I don’t. I start to droop like a flower deprived of cool refreshing water.

My spirit is the same way; if I don’t nourish it then I feel this heaviness in my center that pulls me down.

I strive to live a spiritual life as much as I can. I hold fast to my beliefs and they are a strong part of who I am.

But lately I feel like our landscape...arid with little growth. The heat has really been dragging me down just like the blizzard did last winter. I don't do well with extremes of nature; yet I live in a constant state of all or nothing.

My friends and family know to step back when I get an idea. They watch as it consumes me and wait for the flames to die down to see what actually becomes of it. It isn't my intention to get so flared up about something and then set it aside for the next big idea.

I'm so bad with the follow through...and yet I muddle through and do the things that I'm supposed to do.

I reached my final weight goal. That last pound was just beyond my reach for so long yet I kept the faith. I never gained...I kept working out...I kept eating in my points and here I am at the end of of a journey that is only the beginning of my relationship with food and my body.

I amaze myself that I can stick to a life change like this and not be focused enough to make a phone call. I put off thing for what seems like f-o-r-e-v-e-r...and yet when I finally get to them...*poof* they seem to be accomplished so quickly I have to chide myself for waiting so long.

Speaking of waiting...after the paint and the living room overhaul...I've been waiting for the shelving to be in place so we can finally hang the family pictures. We've designed the room to have an element of the Bagua in each corner or wall. And it feels lopsided right now.

Kinda like me.

Just between you me and the fence post...I have this yearning that I've had before to learn Tai Chi. After seeing the Avatar the Last got stronger. I'm in that place where I'm not good enough to be taught in a class because...I look like an uncoordinated octopus *bows head - with apologies to all bright and graceful octopuses everywhere*. I'm quite frankly afraid to be laughed at when I'm home as well (but not by my immediate family). *sigh*

But I have to start somewhere.

I feel so strongly about this. But is this just another thing that I throw myself into and then it fizzles out? I don't know. But I bought two DVD's for busy people and I'm going to see if this meditative movement makes a difference to my energy level.

There is this wonderful feeling I get when I'm connected to Spirit through my body/mind/and spirit and the chi, prana...whatever you call it is flowing. My fingers tingle with the energy and my every worry goes out of my head. I become so focused in the now and all the rest falls away. My breath becomes my mantra until my whole body begins to pulse. At this point I start to sway and this is when I can talk with Spirit.

This is how I've always envisioned doing Tai Chi. It seems like a flowing meditation where each movement is all that exists. It is a beautiful testament to the body/mind/spirit connection that each of us has.

When I do Yoga I get the same feeling.

My problem is getting around my current constraints. My biggest hurdle is to ignore what people say. If I believe in something then that should be enough.

But most times I am easily swayed by an unkind word or a snicker. I am blessed that I have friends and family who support me on each of these strange journeys I undertake.

I'm sorry my readers if this post of mine is disjointed...but it follows my state of mind right now.

I didn't knit a stitch yet this week. Thank goodness for meet-upon Friday or I would never get anything done.

Shade and sweet water,



Friday, July 02, 2010

One Thing Done

Community Lapghan, originally uploaded by Ruinwen.

I want to say that I completed each and every of my goals but that would be a lie. I think I always set goals too high and try to do too much *okay who is snickering?* :)

What I will say is that while reentry into the work week has not been easy I have managed better then before. While my staycay was actually more exertion then play; I felt rested for the first time in a long time. I was able to help put a big smile on my DH’s face and that makes me really happy.

While I ate things out of the norm for me I didn’t overdo and I didn’t gain an ounce either. I think I’m more fit now then when I started my vacation…all that lifting and moving.

As you can see I did get the blanket finished and I’m really happy with the way it turned out. I want to say that I was so good and picked up one of my WIPs and started it, but again that would be a bold faced lie.

My friend and I went up to the Mannings in PA and I bought beautiful Malabrigo Silky Merino in Nocturnal. I needed to touch something wonderful for a while and we each promised the other we’d make one project from our trip. I picked a nice little tank top which I am almost half way done with. Sorry no pictures my photographer is having reentry issues also.

Next week hopefully everything will be back to normal.

I hope you all have a happy 4th if you live in the US…and a happy weekend regardless.