One of the hardest things I went through last year is that my Mother, my best friend, and confidant...has lost her short term memory. The woman I relied on for years with all the silly little things in my life...the wonderful friend I trusted with every secret...needs me now.
And I realize that it is very selfish of me…but sometimes I just want my Mommy. I want to cry and tell her how I really messed up…or have her eyes show with pride over something I’ve done…or have her give me advice peppered with wisdom and age.
And I don’t know if it is the snow, or taking off a layer of fat that had a memory stored away or even the essence working to heal me…but it is like I am reliving it all over again.
From a healer’s standpoint, it means I didn’t work through it the last time…I just accepted or hid it or whatever. Everything was so crazy last year and there was little time to think…but now…now with the snow piled up and white as far as the eye can see…I’m thinking…
It’s like a life-line in knitting. You can rip back to the row before your mistake and work through the whole thing again…which, is what I had to do with Ishbel. This little lace pattern is taking much more patience then I thought it would. So I’ve got life-lines and markers at every repeat…which move with each row and every repeat; so really it is a pain in the butt.
But this time I’m taking it slow and really focusing and I'm back to where I started before I ripped. The lace is starting to emerge and I remember why I chose this pattern. I love lace. I love the way the holes and paired decreases tell a story and paint a picture with negative space. Which is why I chose the frozen spiderweb for this post. There is something so magical about a web; spiders are knitters, after all, making their own personal lace that adorns nature with such great beauty.
I’ve been thinking about the world waiting to emerge as the seasons begin to change...(I know what Phil said...and I'll be up to my eyeballs in snow till Summer...but let a girl dream 'kay?) ...and honing my spiritual seeds that I will plant at Ostra. I always make this little container of sorts that hold the seeds of the things I hope to accomplish this year. I’m not sure what container I am creating this year…but I’m meditating on it.
My personal “container” continues to get smaller and my muscles are getting stronger too. My clothes are really fitting better and I can already wear a few things I couldn’t at the beginning of the year. This weekend my Wii adjusted my avatar to the "normal" range. *and there was much rejoicing*
So all in all…I’m doing okay…much better then a few weeks ago.
*hugs to all of you*
Ruinwen
:)
5 comments:
It's being able to really TALK with Mom that I miss. The saddest part is that so many of the things she used to enjoy just confuse her now. But now and then there's that flash of humor or that little something that lets you know she's not all gone yet.
I think we were so stressed about getting the house done, that we really didn't have time to adjust to all the changes...
<3
I can so feel what you are describing... it has been 15 years since my mother's passing, and longer since the day I realized my father no longer knew who I was, and there are still things that can make me weep... but then, I realize I am still human, vulnerable, and capable of loving, for the long run. You are often in my thoughts and I will say a little prayer for you as Ostara approaches. I am so proud of you for working on your body and letting go. No need to hold on to the point where it harms you.
Oh...can I relate to your words re: just wanting your mom back with you, as she was. I still miss my mom and think of her every single day.
I am glad things are on an upswing in other areas though, good to read. I just posted about my renewed energy too. I'm back to blogging too!
Hugs, G
I had my 14th anniversary of losing my Mom on Sunday. It's something you never get over, I guess, buy YOU are in a worse spot, because she's gone but not gone.
I'm very proud of you for the weight loss, and for hanging in with everything, but you're right - you never had a chance to grieve last year, and it will come back and smack you when you least expect it!
Take gentle care, good friend!
(((Hugs)))
"sometimes I just want my Mommy. I want to cry and tell her how I really messed up…or have her eyes show with pride over something I’ve done…"
Within a 6 week period last summer I lost my mom and my mother-in-law. We weren't really close and Mom rarely showed pride in anything I had done or concern over how I was doing. How weird is it that I still have an urge to tell her about my latest creations, to show her the most recent picture of my grandchildren? I guess I'm still hoping that she'll notice me and care. I'm mourning the mother that never was.
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