This or Something Better

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This is our last snow storm on Wednesday this week...as you read this we are either bracing for a huge storm or in the middle of it.
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In an ongoing study of my “critical voice”, I’ve found that it can always find this higher ideal that I’m not living up to. For example; when I do lose the last 10 pounds, it will criticize me that I need to be toned or then it will complain about my hair…or something else. There is always something else to fret over…the next new thing.

That is why in the surge of taking care of the newest item of scorn the old sometimes slips from our minds…and next thing you know I’ve gained back three pounds. Of course, my mind thinks I’ll just eat right for a few days and I’ll be back to goal weight…but this three…goal…three…goal routine finally goes to five pounds and then it becomes harder to hit goal again.

I was at goal weight for five years before I “slipped” the last time. As long as I could fit into my skinny jeans it was okay…but then I just gave up because my mental overload was way too high and just cramming food in my face seemed to take enough effort in itself.

I believe as I take off each layer that I shrouded myself in to cope with the transitions of the last few years…the issues that surrounded me then will revisit me until I heal them. This is when I usually start doubting not only myself but my path.

These snowy dark and gray days are not helping me either. I’ve seen many of you explaining how the world without the sun is starting to immerse you with doubt and depression…and I’m right there with you.

But my Patron Goddess is one of ice and snow and this week was her feast day. And this time locked in winter’s embrace is meant to make us think. The Norse rune Isa is all about introspection and when something is frozen in time and space being able to look at it from all sides.

So on one side, I have my depression and I acknowledge this as a hurdle for this Aries/Mars fire sign whose energy levels center around the sun. On another side, I am surrounded by an awesome family and network of friends that spans cyberspace and numerous communities.

I’ve been having numerous dreams where I am lost. Last night I dreamt that I was in a school I had never been to before and I couldn’t find my classroom…I was totally disoriented. And when I finally got there I had to give a presentation on a subject I’d never even heard of. But when I opened my notebook there were notes from the previous classes that I didn’t remember attending and a teacher stood there gloating at me that I had never seen before. So I stepped up to the board and starting writing Faerie symbols and the teacher growled at me because that was not the assignment.

Now either the message of Heroes’ latest episode was making its way into my mind or my subconscious was trying to tell me something. Either way there is something that I’m holding on to that I need to delve in…something that I’ve frozen within me that needs to be observed from a place of love and light with no judgment or accusations.

These nudges from the PTB usually mean that a spiritual change has to be made. There needs to be a shift in perception as well as methodology. I’m feeling drawn back to my essence work. I gave up on my essences last year…because it was too much to actually work through the feelings when I was having them.

At least it is a start.

Even though I have the blahs…I’ve kept true to points and I keep losing a little at a time. I’ve been doing my workouts and taking my timeouts…I’ve been creating more and more balance between the things that have to be done with the things I want to do.

I’ve been finishing up promised projects and have started my socks for a traveling sock group…so I’m actually feeling really good on the crafting front. This weekend I will have plenty of time to sit and knit as the snow falls…and falls. If it starts when they say it will…I’m not sure we will have meet-up tonight and that makes me sad. But I will be with my sisters and brothers of the craft in spirit…

This week I planted my spiritual seeds that represent the things that I hope will bear fruit when the sun returns and the grounds melt. Even though Phil says six more weeks of winter; I will try and hold my head high and stay my course.

To those of you who celebrate…may the thoughts of dreams yet to be fulfilled during this time of ice and snow bring colorful and beautiful fruit in the days to come.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)