"The successful man is the average man, focused."-- Source Unknown
A family of deer came grazing the other day. Deer to me mean many things but these coming to me when they did seemed to be telling me to adapt. That is why they are grazing in my backyard; they’ve had to adapt to a new food source. Deer are also one of my personal totems. They usually are telling me to really look at what is around me and listen to what is being said. They also come to tell me to take care of myself when I am spreading myself too thin.
I was recently talking to a friend about her blog and that it was hers to vent or rant or say whatever and I guess this post will let you see a part of me that is hidden beyond the heartfelt smilies I always feel. It will be totally scattered like I am right now and might not make a lot of sense so be warned.
I’ve really been trying to find some harmonious balance between all the elements of my life and at times I feel I am just barely making due and others I feel the water over my head and I can hardly breathe.
Nana and Pop Pop built the basement rooms for my BIL and his kids and they look amazing. Pop Pop is a genius with electricity and wired each room with separate switches and everything. Goddess bless for such a wonderful family!
Having Nana and Pop Pop there was really nice because I could retreat to my room and knit when it all got too much. And last week was too much for me to handle.
Really I’m just a big kid who can be a Mom and an adult when she has to be…and maybe I’ve always been the one people come to and I’m good at figuring things out. But you can’t help someone who just doesn’t want to change or maybe now is incapable of changing…I just don’t know…
My Mother whom I love deeply hates living. She was on suicide watch and it broke my heart to think she was that unhappy. All she is living for is family she tells me. When I get up to go she gets upset and panicky. It hurts to walk out the door knowing she will be miserable until I return.
I don’t know if it is for attention or she is slowly losing her faculties or a combo of the two. I just know it hurts to see this proud woman I knew so lost and confused. She calls me her lifeline and it scares me that she counts on me for everything because I know I continually fail her expectation of me.
I just can’t keep up. There is always something else wrong…always something else to fix. And I really try to take care of everything I can. I mean she’s my Mom and I would do anything to help her. That’s why I moved her up here so I could see her on my way home from work…so we could run and get her stuff when she needs it.
I know I’m not the first daughter to do this…I really shouldn’t say anything because at least I have a Mom still on this Earth. I feel torn between being selfish for leaving and wanting time for myself and selfless for wanting to give up all my time to help her like she did for me when I came into this world.
So I’ve split into two selves to cope: the happy helpful me that just rolls with everything and the me that as soon as I am out that door runs in the other direction as fast as she can.
I am not adapting well. I have nothing new for Spring Fling this weekend…I mean I did make that jewelry a while back…but there is no time for anything really. My old crafting time I now spend at AL.
On the weekends we are cleaning out Dad’s house and then we have to go through all the stuff and get it to the right place…recycle, consignment, etc. This last weekend we cleaned up until bedtime. I really didn’t get a Mother’s Day except for having a wonderful lunch, I missed my son even though I saw him there was no time for us, and I was dead tired. I know BMC Ruinwen…
So that is why there is little FO’s or no posts or no pictures. I really need to take a picture of something wonderful I got but I just haven’t had the chance. *so please forgive me*
I did want to say on the positive side of things I joined WW again because I knew that I should do something. I do very well with organized stuff. I can even deal with chaos as long as it is organized. lol But I’ve been on now since the 7th of April and I’ve lost 8 pounds. I’m not starving myself either. I’ve been enjoying rediscovering veggies and fruits and then on the weekends, I have all these extra points. I’m back in my size 12 jeans and they are loose. So I’m pretty proud. :)
So that’s what is going on. Thanks for letting me say all that. So this weekend when the thunderstorms hit think of me and DH in our little tent. I will be blissfully knitting away as he weaves metal.
Bright blessings,
Happy crafting,
Ruinwen
:)
6 comments:
life has many tides...this one must be really rough. I can't imagine the pressure you must be feeling. I hope the tide turns for you soon. I will keep you in my thoughts. Please don't forget to take care of yourself!
I know things are difficult right now, but you do have the right attitude...noticing that the dear is telling you to take care of you!
Do that, please?
And I love the shawl...what great motifs!
(((hugs)))
Things are rough right now, but you will get through them and be stronger for the experience. You're in my thoughts...
BTW, your shawl is beautiful...your design?
I really feel for you, it's incredibly difficult to find a balance between taking care of yourself and having the emotional capacity to cope with others who have little joy in their lives.
The best I can say is take a deep breath and if you feel like it would even help in the tiniest bit have a heart to heart with your mother and lay down the law. It's not ok to manipulate your feelings by threatening suicide, it is not ok to burden you with "I'm only living for family," it is not ok to expect you to bear the brunt of this. I'm not trying to be harsh, just real, point out that you love your mom dearly and the devastation it causes to you personally when she talks like this. Reverse that guilt and then maybe you can find a way for both of you to find joy together. If none of this works, then you just need to be at peace with yourself knowing you have and are trying your best but there is only so much you can do. You can't fix her, and I realize she is your mother (I come from a similar relationship that I have not shared) but you have to be able to live with yourself too.
Regardless, I feel for you and on many levels I am going working through some of these same things. You are definitely in my thoughts and the shawl is beautiful!!!!
Dear dear Ruinwen, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and worries. I can totally relate, I am just getting past about 10 years of hell. So many family problems including the heartbreak of my mom no longer able to live on her own, in care and also a proud woman no longer living as she wanted to or should have been. It was incredibly sad. I feel for you and send you a great big hug. Know that people care. Take the time out that you need and give your loved ones plenty of love and hugs when you are able to be there for them, without wearing yourself out. You are a lovely, kind person and your goodness comes through, reading your posts. Hang in there, things will get easier, it just seems like they don't at the time.
G
Peaceful energies coming your way. I'm glad that you chose to share that with us. That's one of the biggest things that can help - getting things out in the open, so you can re-read it and meditate on your thoughts.
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