Sunday, January 12, 2014


This is a view from Minecraft.  When I look down from this height I get a knot in the pit of my stomach just like it was a real vista.  I've been working through this imaginary fear that feels so real by testing my limits and building over chasms.  Each time I get too close to the edge that shiver of fear runs through me as if it was a real experience.

When we watched some very real spiders on the big screen they really disturbed me and my sister (bless the Goddess for her) held my hand.  Normally I love spiders.  I could even deal with the Harry Potter ones...even in the game when you can feel them coming with the vibration of your controller...but way.  I was actually afraid of these spiders.  If you know me, you know that I love spiders and take them outside instead of killing them.  So why was I afraid of the spiders on the big screen?

The truth of the matter is that fear is an illusion.  You could say my fear of heights keeps me safe from dangerous heights but that would not be the truth.  When we went to Diamond Head in Hawaii years ago, you hiked up a bunch of stairs until you got to this little (and that is being generous) pitch black tunnel that you climbed up to emerge on top of a rock face that overlooked everything.  And I did it.  I faced every fear and did it.  And there was no fence around this rock face; it was truly one of the most exhilarating and terrifying moments of my life.

I have quite a few totally irrational fears and while they feel real to me, they really are just illusions. I am afraid of cranes; not the birds but the big metal construction types.  Why?  Rationally...they have heavy stuff that they haul around and it could drop it...on me.  But that is silly.  Yet, I see a crane in the distance and I get that feeling in my stomach.  Now tell me what purpose does this silly fear serve?

I am afraid of T-Rex and velociraptors.  I have had nightmares about a T-Rex for as long as I can remember...probably back to my Krofft Superstar days and Land of the Lost...yeah go back in your Way Back Machine for that one.  Will I ever face a real T-Rex?  Golly I hope not; but really yeah that would be a resounding "no."  Yet I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I see one.  Go figure.

So fears can be totally irrational and you would think I could desensitize myself from them if they are truly illusions but that isn't the case.  Instead I face them head on and still get the heebie jeebies every time.  But that is the trick; face them and embrace them but don't let them stop you from something you really want to do.

Truth is I am always afraid of doing something wrong or saying something wrong and sometimes it just overwhelms me into an abyss of doubt; and doubt can eat away at your soul.  I need to work through it the way I face cranes, T-Rex and heights.  I need to see it for what it is, an illusion.

The thing about illusions is they are as real as you perceive them to be.  You can allow them power or banish their power.  You can be in control of them or let them control you.

Is this easy?  No, yes, sometimes...maybe.

I guess in many ways fear is like happiness...maybe the flip side of the coin if you will.  Happiness is not tangible it is an illusion as well.  It is a choice we make for one reason or another.  It is the squee that comes out of nowhere when we see something that induces a happy reaction.

This is another row and it makes me happy.  It may or may not make you feel happy.  But it fills me with colorful...frog singing rainbow happiness.  And this bubbly feeling of good will that shimmers through me is just as uncontrollable as the fear that shivers through me.  It is just as much an illusion and feels just as real.

So what is the point of today's post.  This was a week of facing some dark fears and I learned a few things. While fear is an illusion, it feels real.  And to deny that reality is to deny whatever the fear is trying to show you; so embrace it and walk through it and keep on going.  If you can only go so far; know that you accomplished something and don't beat yourself up about it.

If you can't find your happy place because your fears are too strong then you have to make one.  While this may seem hard when you are in your fearful state; remember fears and happiness are all illusions. Sometimes the only way to be happy is to fake it until it happens.  Maybe keep a mantra of happy things that make you smile, Google happy pictures, read happy stories and try to embrace moments of happiness.

This world is full of beautiful things you just have to find yours as I keep searching for mine.  Happiness builds on itself and is easy to share with others.

Where ever you find your happy place isn't important...everyone has a different path...just be true to yours.

Hugs and happy thoughts coming your way,

BTW:  The texture pack I am using for the Minecraft shot is this.

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