Friday, July 16, 2010

No Sense of Direction

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright

LINKIN PARK, "Breaking The Habit"

This week I don’t have much positive stuff to say. I don’t want to BMC all over the blog again even though you all are understanding, wonderful and kind. I’ve kinda been withdrawing into myself and I know I’ve missed a bunch of stuff. Sorry about that.

I’m way behind on most of my goals but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I keep working on my tank on Fridays at meet up and that has to suffice for now.

I wanted to write this inspirational cat post. As you can see from the above picture, our cat corner is finally complete. I’m really happy with it. I’ve honored both my beloved boys. It makes me happy to have them together again since they loved each other so much.

Every weekend we get a little more done. We keep trading solutions to make a little more room here and there. I give away what I can. It is hard to fit two families under one roof but we are doing the best we can.

I’m trying to work on my peace-at-any-price nature which is happy to make sure others are content while making me miserable.

What makes one person be able to take insults and brings another to tears? What allows one person to love themselves while another only sees their faults?

Why is one person born with a perception filter that allows them to see the world as they choose and not as it truly is?

I want to change.

It was easy to diet. I say “easy” because there were rules and I followed them and got results. I played it like a game and won.

But these emotions that I’m wrestling with have no “rules”. There is no way to plan or work with them. They explode through me whether I’m ready for them or not. I’m afraid to harden myself though. I don’t want to lose myself while looking for answers.

And I’m afraid that it isn’t something that can be changed without giving away a part of me that is my core.

I’m an empath. I feel. That is what I do…it is at the core of who I am. It helps me to be a healer. Tuning into people’s emotions helps me to be a better friend to those I care about.

The problem is when those feelings are turned inward then everything is so intense and seems bigger then it really is…they take on a life of their own. The line between reality and emotion becomes blurred.

…and I become lost. Like I am now.

So this weekend while we are cleaning the garage I hope to do some inner work too…because right now I’m a mess.

*hugs to you all*




rueyeet said...

Lyrics for lyrics...

why do I love, when I still feel pain
when does it end, when is my work done
why do I fight, and why do I feel
that I carry a sword through a battlefield

Sounds like that fits how you feel right now....because of all places, home is where you should be able to feel safe, and right now you always have to be on your guard.

But nobody has the right to judge you but yourself, and those you have GIVEN that right to; and no one can make you feel inferior without -- however buried and hidden -- your consent. And that's the real issue...if some part of you didn't believe the taunts, they wouldn't bother you.

Remember when you started MAPS this summer, to work on that sorta thing? So, if that's like a diet, shedding weight from the spirit instead of the body, maybe you've just hit a plateau.

And, like a diet, you've just got to keep going, and not lose heart.

*hugs and love for the siiiister*

KnitNana said...

Oh, hon. No you don't want to change who you are...but maybe just a little toughening up of your shell (I'm a Cancer - crab - can I offer you a bit?) to protect yourself a mite? It's so hard to get whipped by the winds of emotion...(ask me how I know?).

Disregard if you just can't. I do understand.

Marlene said...

I always find your words interesting and insightful and I'm often in a very similar spot, like you are writing MY inner feelings.

Sorry to hear you are struggling. (Hugs)

Eric said...

"The boy thought that there was something wrong with him. All through his life--even when he was a great man with the world at his feet--he was to feel this gap: something at the bottom of his heart of which he was aware, and ashamed, but which he did not understand." That's our introduction to Lancelot in The Once and Future King. T.H. White makes the point several times that Lancelot never likes himself, not even when achieving things no one else can. Sometimes you have to remember that, like Lancelot, maybe you never will really like yourself - but others will love you dearly. And you should (I hope) appreciate that.