Friday, May 14, 2010

The Hole In My Heart

"The whole secret of freedom from anxiety over not having enough time lies not in working more hours, but in the proper planning of the hours."
-- Frank Bettger

This picture always makes me smile. These are the happy feet from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Socks. This was a community KAL we did where we each knit eight rows of any sock yarn on each other’s socks. It was fun and took no time at all but look at the results! Such amazing colors and variations! Mine are the pink and green ones…since I had to be totally crazy with them. lol

Right now we are doing a Malabrigo lengthwise scarf KAL. The yarn is so yummy. Four rows is not enough…I just want to keep knitting. lol

If you read this blog then you know that community is really big with me. I love giving back to the town I adore so much and I am always happy to hang out with my crafty friends. So once again we are doing our Community Lapghan project. One of the gals wanted to make her own lapghan instead of doing squares like we did last year and I thought that was a great idea!

Quilt (square counterpane with leaves)Quilt (square counterpane with leaves)

So here is the start of mine. I’ll still make squares too and help join them…but this lapghan is will be completely made by me. I fell in love with this when I saw it on Ravelry. Everything for the Assisted Living has to be washable so I’m making it in Red Heart. My wonderful DH picked out the colors. My favorite part of this blanket is the three needle bind off. I found a complementary colorway that has all the colors of the blanket in it from Carron. And while organizing my stash I found enough to do a border. *yay*


Speaking of organizing…I tried Dianna in the Blue Heron cotton and hated it. I even went to the third tier…again…just to see if my opinion changed when the squares were picked up. It didn’t. Don’t get me wrong the yarn is lovely…I just wasn’t feeling the cotton for this pattern.

DH and I rummaged through my stash to find something with long colorways with enough yardage…I find it so disheartening when I have all this stash and nothing ever works with it. But this time I found…way in the back…two balls of merino that I bought when I just started knitting…and I’d been saving for a shawl.

I know a lot of people hate lace with heavy yarn and big needles…but I find it irresistible it as long as the stitch definition is excellent. I am in love with this yarn…in love with this project…and I have made it past the third tier.

For me the shifting my focus to this one project is working. I cast this on for the third time on Saturday morning and look at it now! When you only have one thing to keep your attention on then it is amazing how quickly the knitting goes!

In this vein, I’ve come to a decision that I think will help me work through some of these pent up feelings that I have. Through this blog you have seen me strive to understand how my feelings affect other facets of my being and I learned something about myself that I didn’t know before.

Having all these WIPs makes me angry at myself. I’m angry that I don’t have more discipline to finish what I started. Some of these projects are six years old. I’ve been working really hard on finishing them this year and my WIP stash has been cut in half already this year…but that is not good enough.

When I went to MD S&W…which was awesome….I saw at Brooks Farm, a shawl in their booth which I have at home. A shawl which I fell in love with and bought the yarn and even started…and then put aside in a basket three years ago.

And it made me mad at myself. And I realize that is what I feel every time I look at my WIP list which sits on my altar and greets me every day…anger….frustration…and general annoyance.

And really, I’m not pointing fingers at you my dear readers. Everyone has a system that works for them and I am not judging your choices or saying that my way is the right way. This is about me and my choices and how they affect my being.

Aries already have the boon that they are ruled by Mars…two war gods…an endless supply of untapped anger. I always have to fight to rein in my emotions…even if I am a generally happy person most of the time. I’m like an unlit match…it just takes one thing to cross that line and *poof* I’m fighting back the anger.

Whenever I find sources of potential anger that I can eliminate from my life; I jump at the chance to eradicate them.

This shawl has taught me a lot about myself. I realized that I kept casting on all these projects to fill a void in me that I didn’t know existed. But the abyss was not what I thought it was…and all the yarn and all the projects in the world would never fill the hole that existed in me.

This year for the first time in 23 years something else had filled that hole. For so long I’ve kept busy trying to jam pack every moment so I could make up for something I couldn’t forgive myself for…even if I thought I had.

And here it is in a nutshell…I got pregnant in high school and gave birth to a beautiful daughter. Wanting the best life for her possible I gifted her to another family who could love and care for her like I never could.

I know it was the right thing for me to do. But this little voice has always nagged at me for abandoning my child…for giving up and not even trying. That voice was the reason that my husband and I were going to only have cats instead of children. He has always been supportive of my feelings and I thank the Goddess every day for such a wonderful, loving partner.

One day everything in me shifted and I knew I wanted to create a child with this fantastic man…and we did. And that little bundle of joy started healing the hole in me from the day he was born.

Roses From My Son

I no longer feel like a “bad mother”. I may mess things up and all...because I am human. But I know every time my son hugs me that I must be doing something right. He gave me flowers for Mother’s Day…beautiful roses from my amazing little man.

Emotions are tricky…and just because the hole is healed it doesn’t mean that my feelings of love for my daughter have changed. It just means that I can look forward instead of back for the first time in 23 years.

I realize all these projects I have abandoned were to punish myself. All these years of starting things and not finishing them I was trying to sabotage myself. I can see that very clearly now.

My Mother did the same thing in a different way. She bought things to heal her hole from the past. Most times they never even got out of the box. And no matter how many things she bought the pain of the past never lessened.

I started things unconsciously intending not to finish them because for 23 years I’ve felt like a failure and I have created situations where I reinforced that sense of dis-accomplishment.

And now that whole cycle has been broken…I resent all these projects that I’ve abandoned…but I see the symmetry of how nature works and it makes me smile. I’m left with the emotions with no source or reason and it all feels out of balance.

So, in this bizarre journey I have taken to understand why I do the things I do, I’m going to finish all my WIPs. After this beautiful shawl is done I’m going to commit my Summer to working on all my forsaken projects. I know if I can focus on one project at a time that I can finish all the ones that are left. So that is what I’m going to do.

I will give each project my love and support and treat it with respect. I will enjoy the process and honor the yarn with each stitch. This is not a chore but something I am looking forward to doing.

Then I can start a new project in the Fall with my needles and my head, free and clear.

Have a great weekend,


Stitch-n-Snitch said...

Oh, Ruinwen. I just want to hug you right now! Thanks so much for having the courage to share so much of your soul with me.

KnitNana said...

Oh, honey. I think it took a huge amount of courage to tell us all this.
I never, not once, thought there was another way you *should* do things. I know that you know what's best for you! You've made so much progress and you'll continue that, I know in my heart.

The roses are beautiful, you have so much in your wonderful life, but yes, do what you must do to heal all ways, always.

And you've got a sounding board here, anytime you need it!
Goddess Bless, Blessed Be...

rueyeet said...

We always knew you made the right decision -- but knowing it and feeling it aren't the same thing. I've always hoped that your heart would someday come to agree with your head on that one.

But I gotta say -- that's not the whole of the reason behind all your WIPs! When we were little, you always seemed to like starting stuff better. We'd get stuff set up, and I'd be "cool, let's start playing" but you were already done!

I think that's just part of who you are, that you're always looking for new horizons and possibilities, just like a ram leaping from mountaintop to mountaintop, always looking for the next peak to scale.

It might hamper sticking to things and seeing them through, but you also have the courage to try and imagine a lot of things that might not have even OCCURRED to someone else.

Really, it's just like any other aspect of the self -- there's up sides and down sides, and it's all about learning to work with both.

Either way, I'll look forward to seeing all the cool stuff you'll be working on this summer! <3

Birdsong said...

Wow, what a brave, brave woman you are!

I am only going to say that as you take out each project, make sure you still feel some fiber love for it, that it still resonates to you, or else reclaim the yarn and save it for something else.

You are a different person now, and may not need to finish all of those projects that called out to the old you, but want to create something completely different for yourself with the wonderful yarns you have collected.

Heather said...

"I always have to fight to rein in my emotions…even if I am a generally happy person most of the time. I’m like an unlit match…it just takes one thing to cross that line and *poof* I’m fighting back the anger."

This is my quote of the day. This could be me saying it. Thanks so much for your post, it was a touching read. And my only advice is to tread softly with finishing your WIP's. There is nothing wrong with being a process knitter (that's what I am) and sometimes I truly find it hard to finish things. Unless you absolutely love it, don't finish it, rip it out and try something new. Love ya babes!!!!

luv2felt said...

You are an inspiration for me. Keep on the "vixen" path you've chosen and it will be the best journey you could make. {{{{hugs}}}}

Geraldine said...

I had the same thoughts as St n Sn when I read this post, HUGGGS and more HUGGGS. Don't be too hard on yourself Ruinwen. We all have regrets,we all have things we did or didn't do (especially when we were young) that perhaps we could have done better, thought about more, before deciding. But it's done,it's the past and it can't be changed. Be glad that you've grown as a person to be a whole and giving person to so many people. You have a lot to be proud of R, remember that when you feel bad about things that can't be changed from the past.

Take care, G

PS: I also agree with Sallee, add courage to that list above!