Friday, May 21, 2010
"Let the waters settle
you will see stars and moon
mirrored in your Being."
First of all I wanted to say, “Thank you!” You are such kind, compassionate, sweet, good hearted and special people. I am blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. *hugs*
So as this journey of mine continues I learn more and more about why I do the things I do.
It all started when I was a little girl and my parents had put me in an ice skating class. I loved to skate. There was nothing more fascinating to me then to watch the older kids skate backwards. I wanted to do that more then my next breath. Gliding on the ice was like…magic.
But as my first real disappointment in life; it was not to last. As I graduated up to the next class I was told I would need a coach and as my Father explained it, “We just don’t have the money for that.”
As an adult I understand that now. As a child I did not. My little mind could not comprehend that “money” was in such short supply that I could not have this one little thing. I offered to pay for it with my allowance and Dad shook his head, “Your nickel a week allowance wouldn’t even begin to scratch the surface.”
Again words that have no meaning to a kid. So they put me in ballet. I loved ballet. I just adored dancing and the different positions. I liked the challenge of learning to move my body with grace. My first big performance I got to be a rock that transformed into a faerie in A Midsummer’s Night Dream.
After working so hard to be better at every movement, I was rewarded. They wanted me to go on point and train with the other beautiful ballerinas. I knew that my Father would be proud of me this time because I had worked so hard to get here. He was always saying to work hard and get good at things so he must see that I had thrown my whole being into my dancing.
But the answer was still "no" and I was pulled out of ballet.
They put me in piano but my heart was never in it. I never realized that when I hung up my dance shoes I had shut a piece of me away. I never realized that my belief became…never get good at anything or it will be taken away. And even more damaging…you must have never been good to begin with.
One thought…one moment…can change our entire being forever. Sometimes we never even realize how damaging those instances can be.
When I listed the things that have been on the needles I realized that they are not gifts that I never finished or promises I didn’t keep to others…they are all things that were intended for me.
Never finish…never get good…you aren’t good enough…it will be taken away.
Even now years later those words still influence me. And I realize what happens when I start something for me…the minute I fall in love with the pattern or the yarn…then I put it away. I am in a manner of speaking; taking it away from myself before someone else can.
So these feelings coupled with the others really make sense to me. Deep down I’m scared that when I finish something it still won’t be good enough. I have a lot of trouble taking pride in my work but I have been striving to change that…just like I’m trying to work through the abandonment issues of last post and the new revelations of this one.
I’m still on track with my goals. I finished another block of my lapghan at Spring Fest…that is four done; five to go. I haven’t done much knitting this week because of house things that had to be taken care of. Friday night I hope to work on my shawl and knock out a tier.
I stuck to WW even through Fair. Hubby put a beautiful anklet on me that he had made (will try to get a picture next time) and it is my constant reminder that I cannot gain…if I ever need one.
I have not had the money to sign up for the Nutrition Class yet. I refuse to just charge it. I have saved half of it and if it takes me until July to get the money together then so be it.
We’ve been asked to do some other shows with Vixenpath and we are seriously considering it. We have all kinds of new ideas to throw around and proto-type.
There is a lot of good going on…even if it is all in little baby steps. I can easily see how I created a paradigm out of Dad’s reaction so long ago. I seem to take the worst thing and hold onto it and not trust the best things that are being said. I am working hard to change this behavior.
I intend to shake off this negative way of viewing my talents. I am no longer shackled by the words in my head since I know them for what they are. I know now about money and that my Father’s decision was never related to my talent. I also know that when my Father recently told me how proud he was of me that he meant it. For the first time I could see it for what it was and that was an amazing feeling after years of feeling “not good enough.”
As you can see our booth at Fair is full of family talent. People weren’t buying really but that is okay. We made back the booth and had a great weekend crafting and throwing out ideas.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. :)