Friday, June 08, 2018

Hi World...


Hi.  I know that I’ve been gone for forever.

When Mom and Dad died I lost my voice.  I just couldn’t front all the time.

I wanted to be my happy little rainbows and unicorns self but it was just too hard to keep up the act when my heart was breaking.

That doesn’t mean that I curled up in a ball and kept out the world.  I kept working, knitting, gaming and enjoying my time with my friends and family.  But my special spark was gone.

I know that this is perfectly normal but I missed me; the real me that really meant all that happiness and stardust stuff she said.

Then, two weeks ago I went down to grab something for my knitting class and found out that a mouse had nestled down, chewed and nested in all the knitting that I have ever done for me and I think I broke through that void that had surrounded me for so long.

I finally found my voice though it was small at first; and it was very, very sad.

This blog is a record to most of those treasures which I still have to get the courage to throw away.

The one that hurt the most is the blanket I made as Mom lay in the hospital recovering from her first cancer surgery.  It was Jared Flood’s Hemlock blanket and I loved that project.  I had so much trouble starting it because my hands were shaking worrying about Mom.  When I got it finished I bound off too tightly and I always vowed to fix it, but I never got there.  Now I will have to just toss it because it is the worst of all of them.  I know that it kept that mouse warm and it was so soft too; can I find comfort in that?

I made twin scarves for me and my sister to wear in Hawaii and mine is trashed and that makes me sad.  We buried Mom at sea in Hawaii, it was a beautiful ceremony even though I was seasick at the time.  The Kahu had the most serene and lovely voice and his blessing is a moment I will always treasure.  I am sorry to lose the twin to my sister’s scarf.

Each piece of knitting has a story.  My life and emotions at the time I made them is woven into the fabric and it hurts to just have to get rid of them.  Even though I can remake each of them, they will not have the spirit that they once had.  So I just have to let them go.  But the memories will remain here on these virtual pages and in my heart.

I'm not sure when I will write again.  But I do know that every once and while I miss this blog with such a fierceness.  It has allowed me to share a bit of my inner self that I don't always see when I write in it's pages.  This blog has helped me to see things of valve that I can dust off or nurture that I have forgotten.  

This feels so perfect to be writing again.  Almost like a loose gear has slipped into place and there is a humming of happiness that is not a facade but rather a song that is bursting from my soul.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen





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