Meh

I feel much like this poor snow shovel in our front bed; stuck, mired by forces that are holding me back and I can't seem to break free of them.  All I can seem to muster is a whole lot of "meh" and I don't know why.  Every day I look at my knitting and want to knit and every day I find a reason not to pick it up.  But there is a part of me that needs to pick it up, and still, I just can't seem to find the power to do so.

Apparently, for some, this is part of the grieving process and is perfectly normal as long as it lessens as the months go by.  All the questions they asked me which would determine if I am struggling with issues I can't conquer, I passed.

I am sleeping.  I am eating.  I am going to work and doing as much as I ever did before.  I talk to my son every night while he is away and cuddle with my husband as much as possible.  I wash my clothes and dishes and continue to eat as healthy as I can.  I still take time once a week to allow time for spirit and to talk to Mom and Dad.  I pet and love my cats and enjoy the company of my friends.

I don't know what this major quagmire is that is holding me bound and how to honor it or fight it or whatever.  Is my inaction an action that is necessary for my healing?   The Japanese use the term arugamama for the state of accepting things as they "are".  They counsel instead of worrying about this state of "meh", to just ride the waves of emotion and put my energies into the things they do want to flow into.  By not "feeding" the "meh" emotion it will subside on its own and soon I will be happy to pick up my needles again without hesitation.  This is the theory anyway.

In truth, this has happened to me before and loss was not involved.  I just put down my needles for three months and had no interest in picking them up.  I never really found out why; I just did it and moved on and then one day I picked them up and I really haven't stopped knitting, until two weeks ago when it became hard to pick up my needles again.

I find it strange when there are things I need to knit...want to knit...long to knit and I'm just not...knitting.  I'm not mad at myself or berating myself for this lack of inertia.  I am just being and living and doing other things for the moment.  My needles will be patient as they always are.  If knitting were not a pursuit of patience then all my WIPs would get up and walk away for lack of interest.  Thankfully this is not the case or I would be out a lot of beautiful projects.

I have found in my many years of knitting, that it is a healer of body, mind and soul.  There is more than just a fabric that is being woven as one knits.  The calming click of the sound of needles following a rhythmic dance can soothe the soul.  Knitting can be savored; each stitch a benediction of color and texture or it can be rushed as prayers who are rote and memorized and whose meaning has been forgotten in the repetition.

One can be serious about their knitting and aim for a near-perfect project (perfection can only be achieved by the Gods) or one can just be content with what they have done and know that their knitting will not judge them.  Knitting is loyal that way.  One can come home after a long day and pick up their needles and it is just like the last time.  The needles will warm to their hands in a welcoming way and there is a simple unspoken gratification in that.

The only rule in knitting is to follow your own path.  If you choose to knit your stitches through the back; then do so and love the resulting fabric.  Whatever is your truth; embrace it.  Look at Cat Bordhi, she knits everything her way and loves every minute of it.  Some of the ideas that come out of her brain are so amazing  I wonder how she thought of them.

The world is full of amazing knitters; some that I am blessed to call friends.  While many times you may knit alone know that each stitch connects you to a greater community of wonderful people who all share your love of this craft.  One look on Ravelry (a social site for knitters) and you can see that you are not alone; the world is full of knitters.

In the old days, women had their sewing circles where they would commune and gather and talk and craft.  They knew that being part of a community was important to their health and well being and that truth is still relevant today.  Most people are social creatures and need interaction with others to round out their mental well being.  The group I go to is full of women who I call sister; people who I share secrets, devastating losses and radiant joys with.  I love my group; my extended fiber family.  Each week we craft and share our lives and it feels somehow...right.

I know this hiatus is temporary, for I know that knitting is too big a part of my life to ever stop.  I have created a tapestry which reaches back through time and honors my ancestors, I have reached into the present and created a family made of fiber and friendships and I have most importunately delved into myself and found something that resonates with every (excuse the pun) fiber of my being.   I am a knitter and that is the simplest truth.

The feeling of "meh" will pass with time and my fingers will find needles in them soon enough.  For now, I will honor this time, for whatever reason it is necessary, and I will accept it as the way things are.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)