Sunday, June 09, 2013

Acceptance


One of my favorite designers for children's knit-wear is Pixie Purls.  I have watched her grow as a knitter through her blog and I love her patterns.  They are well written and presented in a lovely format; not to mention they are usually graced by her adorable kids! 

When my son said his teacher was having a baby I reached for one of my favorite gift items Country Kiddie. This is a quick knit that is just adorable.  I made this up in a few days and since most of it is knit, it makes a lovely travel project that you don't have to worry about where you are in the pattern.

The yarn I used was Simplicity by Hikoo.  I love the way the colors flow in this yarn.  The top part is #511 Woody Turquoise and the bottom is #512 Still Waters.  The feel of this yarn is really nice and it holds stitch definition really well.  The colors are vivid and bright and slowly meld into each other so there are no jagged stripe lines.  Plus, this is a super-wash blend which, is perfect for infant wear IMHO.  I needed two balls and I didn't have matching color-ways so I blended the blues and greens and hoped for the best.  I adore the result; that bright blue is in both color-ways and it really ties them together.  This is a cute top-down summer top that can provide a layer of warmth or just add spice to any babies wardrobe.

It was nice to finish something.  I feel like I'm all over the place with everything and I just can't get focused.  I think this is what grieving feels like.  When Dad died there was Mom to take care of and I focused all my energy into that.  I took care of the bills, appointments and paperwork that some days reduced me to tears.  Every time I wrote a check this feeling of losing Dad hit me and I cried...every time.  I fielded calls and made decisions that hopefully were in Mom's best interest.  Goodness knows I tried to make sure her needs were met and mostly that she knew that we were there and loved her very much.

Now the job is done and the woman I was caring for is gone and that is hitting me hard.  With this back-lash of emotion is more grief over Dad being gone as well.  I'm ordering a flag holder...I have been saying this since I was given the flag at his funeral.  I finally found one I liked that I can put his fruit salad (medals) below the flag and it will be really nice.

That's how my mind is working...no real focus on any one thing.  Sometimes I have to talk myself into things.  I was putting away clothes the other day when I saw the flag sitting there and looked at the wall with all my family and I just became so tired; I had to remind myself that doing the laundry blesses the family, which, blesses me in turn.

At my core I believe that I am blessed.  When I was pretty young I cut out a saying and put it on our fridge at home, "Be happy you have a house to do chores around."

We once sponsored a child who was happy to have a tin roof.  She felt like royalty because all the animals could stay dry with her family during the rainy season.  A tsunami destroyed her village; thank the Goddess she survived.  All she had was the clothes on her back.  The tsunami had come so quickly and there were no alerts where she lived to tell her to evacuate.

I think about these things when I fold my clothes because we are all connected.  I have outfits for every day of the week and then some and others have one outfit to their name.  This doesn't make me better then anyone or richer or whatever status label the media might want to give me.  It does make me feel blessed to have choices and colors and different textures to wear.

I know that I am blessed in so many ways.  When you flip that coin there is a great gaping hole in me that makes it hard to focus on the good because all I can feel is the loss.  Hospice kept calling me and wanted me to come in for counseling; and I finally talked to someone.  I'm not really sure why; but I thought it couldn't hurt.  If you look at things Mom hasn't even been gone for two months so I think I'm doing really well with the whole grieving thing.

My counselor told me that I really haven't grieved which, I guess this post kinda sums up in a way.  He told me to take time to grieve, to cry and let all that stuff that I keep in me out and take time to live and celebrate life...like a vacation.  So, I am doing both as well as making another appointment to talk to him again.

On Wednesday, my spiritual bath night, I took time to sit with Mom and Dad and talk to them and without me really trying the tears started to fall and I cried for a while.  I know that grieving is different for everyone; but these tears felt different then the "missing you" tears that I shed during the funeral weeks.

I'm going to try and do this each week and I guess I will know when I am done when the tears stop falling.  But I think I will make a weekly check in with my parents as a new kind of ritual.  After I do my weekly reading I will just sit and talk with them for a while.

I talk to them all the time about everything.  But maybe with a purpose behind it this can be something bigger?  I don't know.  I'm just trying to make sense of my feelings, which is not so easy right now.

And while I have moments of inertia where I just want to do nothing; that is pretty normal for me.  If you look at my WIPs and list of patterns I want to finish...they are quite extensive...but life keeps getting in the way and then there is a new class that needs prep for or a deadline I have to meet.  So, I'm not beating myself up about anything.  Everything always gets done in the fullness of time if it is meant to be.

But the vacation is booked and that is a load off.  Thank you to my wonderful friend who helped me through this maze of hotels...rental cars...amusement parks...oceans and airlines.  You really gave me a beautiful gift when I needed it most.  Hugs!

So at the beginning of the week I was scattered and tearful but now the skies are the ones with tears and I feel cleansed and ready to focus on my life again.  I have a bit of catching up to do but I'm the daughter of a Mother who sewed her dress on the way to her wedding,  so you know that I can do something as simple as knock out a pattern and a few WIPS.  :)

Love to you all,
May your days be full of happy moments,
Ruinwen
:)
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