Friday, January 21, 2011
Why I Believe I am a Pisces
*all this is speculation of my own. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind or create a flame war. I'm just trying to figure some things out.*
I know that you have heard about this. For a moment it felt like everything I knew was challenged; the world felt off kilter and suddenly I didn't even know my own self.
I have always thought I was an Aries...I blamed my sign for most of my behavior but in truth I never have been a very good Aries because of some of my core beliefs that have always been with me.
Aries are warriors and I am not; I am a peace-at-any-price kind of person. A ram's element is fire. Don't get me wrong I love a good fire...and I love the sun; but water is and always has been more my element. I have to immerse myself in water during the week...it regenerates me. I listen to the waves before bed to shut off my mind chatter. Being by the water centers me and invigorates me. I love listening to rain...I sleep my best during storms. And the liquid I take in more then any other is water. Most days it is all I drink. My body craves it and it always feels better after I've taken in cool...fresh...water.
While I do have the Arian..."let's start something and I will lead the way and then I will step back and see what comes of it attitude"...I'd much rather express myself through creativity and helping others. In fact sometimes I help too much. An expressed concern from friend or family sends me spiraling to help even when it wasn't really asked for. I've already come up with at least three ways to work out their problem...when it wasn't really a problem to begin with.
I have the Piscean...(or would that be Picon for us BSG fans?)...attitude that everybody's needs come before mine...and then I can be happy. Which, I know isn't necessarily a good thing.
I have an Arian stubbornness. But the water can be stubborn too...it just does it in a more subtle way.
First and foremost I see myself as a Healer which is more Piscean. I think in my youth I was happier to be a warrior and leader but now I feel that my view of life has changed. I do not need to lead to feel happy. In fact I'm happy to sit back on Friday night and bask under someone else's leadership. It feels like a sigh of relief to have somewhere to go that all I have to do is sit and knit.
And as I look back a lot of my control issues were not what they seemed. I'd have a party so I wouldn't have to go somewhere I didn't know. It was easier to break my bank buying supplies and having to clean my house the next day then going somewhere else and maybe having a panic attack.
To this day I still get panic attacks when I have to go somewhere that is different then the day-to-day. Now I breathe through them and take some Bach Rescue Remedy and I can see them for what they are. But in the past I didn't understand that; all I could feel was this sense of dread and I needed to be as far from it as possible...not very Arian.
If they are really bad I just ask for someone to go with me. I've learned that I can't always do it on my own and there is no shame in that. But that was a hard lesson to learn.
My moods swing like the many faces of water. And with me it is more what is under the surface then what is floating up top. everything has a deeper meaning to me.
I can feel emotions off of people like heat radiating from the sun. I am very emphatic and not just people but places and ideas. I have trouble when I am not feeling my own emotions to allow them to disperse. I have worked very hard not to take on someone or something else's emotions. But there are still times that one look from a stranger can make me cry because I feel their anguish and it tears me up inside.
I like to work alone...though I'm like my Mom...I want someone nearby...even on a different floor...because I don't like being totally alone.
I have the ability to day dream...I prefer to call it visualization. Like mental chess I take a situation in my head and project different scenarios until one makes sense. Pisceans find it hard to concentrate on one project while Aries don't finish what they start. Usually I will have broken a project down into parts in my mind. If I feel I have gotten through the part that was holding my attention I will stop. It is at this point that I will start something new if I lose my focus. At any point if the project becomes charged with emotion...then I will stop too.
My emotions get so strong at times that they really do run my life. If I mess up something or do something wrong it starts a litany of all the bad things said to me in my life and I associate those feelings with whatever I'm doing. It is very difficult for me after that point to pick the project up again. If I could only uplift myself the way I do for others...
So as you can see; I am much more Piscean then Arian. Maybe when I was younger I was more Arian. But now; my life revolves around the love I have for my family and friends, creating beautiful things, celebrating life through my spirituality and gaming.
On to projects. The first blue lace panel is from a scarf I finished for a dear friend. It was a difficult project because the purl rows were still working rows...so I always had to be alert. But after the fourth repeat I got into the flow of it and found it very serene. Which, was my hope; I wanted to imbue the scarf with serenity and good thoughts. Every time I see it I smile; since it still strikes me with awe that I'm capable of making something like lace.
And since my scarf is done, that means there is room in my queue for something new. I started this little fox and I am in love with him...even without a head. I had put off making him because I was scared to mess up the color-work sections...but after much youtube...I felt ready. And look...I did it. I'm very proud of myself.
One of our knitting circle died last Friday and I didn't get much knitting done at meet-up. Our thoughts were on celebrating her life and thinking about how she had touched each of us. Last night when I went to the viewing I felt a sense of peace that I had not been able to find before about her passing.
She was dressed in her Indian Regalia and looked so beautiful. Her family had created collages of her life so even if you had never met her; you could see what kind of person she had been. It was the most beautiful and moving viewing I had ever been to. I love that her family saw this as a celebration of her life instead of just a time to mourn her.
When it is my parent's time; I would like to honor them by doing this for each of them.
On this week of the Wolf Moon, which seems to shine brighter due to the ice covering everything...I am thankful for all I have been given. Family...friends...prosperity...happiness...everything. Thank you God and Goddess for all my blessings. Some times the world spins too fast and I forget that I am standing in a river of light...thank you.