Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
I promised myself I would blog even if there were no eloquent words or projects to show. It is far easier to do nothing and beat myself up about it inside then to sit here and spout out pieces of my heart. But I’m done with the easy road.
So here I am.
Did you see the moon this morning so big and bright? It took my breath away. It made me start thinking about reflections and our perception of them. The moon cannot make her own light; she clothes her face in the light reflected from the sun.
We reflect what is shining from within. We can pretend to wear a happy face and smile and laugh but usually, our closest friends are not swayed by this false reflection.
A reflection is just a copy of the real thing peppered by our perception of the way we see it. POV…point of view defines how we look at everything including ourselves.
It is very hard to control or change our POV. For instance, I can step on a scale and see the weight loss and put on my clothes and see the difference in fit…the bagginess where everything was once snug…and still, look in the mirror and think, “I’m huge.”
Everyone else who sees me will notice and mention casually, “You’ve lost weight,” or “Wow, are you down a size.”
And I just smile and tell them how hard I’ve been working and changing everything I’m eating while inside…deep inside…my inner mirror doesn’t believe a word of it.
Have you ever searched for something for say half the day, until you are ranting and screaming and ready to pull your hair out? Me too. Then to make it even worse what you are looking for is right there in front of you. You just couldn’t see it because our eye-brain connection can only see like 30% of what is actually there. It kind of fills in the blanks with other snippets of memory at will.
My friend showed me a video of a survey where they switched the guy giving directions with another in the middle of his spiel, and 75% of the people did not know that they had talked to two different guys.
So with all this POV distortion is there any wonder that I have so much trouble actually seeing myself and not the self I’ve created or the self I think I am?
I took a peek at the scale today…even though weigh-in is Sunday…and it seems I’ve lost another two pounds…that is five pounds I’ve lost. If I look with my eyes I can’t see it. Well, maybe a little…but I’ve been building a lot of muscle too and it is hard to tell which is which right now.
I really wish my POV towards myself could be like it is towards my friends. I am so overly critical of my self and I talk to myself in a very cruel way…and I’m not sure why.
There are two really loud voices in my head that are constantly at war. One I like to call “the Goddess loves me” and the other “It doesn’t matter.”
And when I look at myself in a mirror I get both sides and what I see is somewhere in the middle. It goes a little like this…”Oh that necklace really brings out your eyes”…”who cares you’re too old and fat for anyone to take a second glance”…”but look you are wearing a top that you’ve not been able to fit in for a while and it looks so nice, you should be proud”…”but look at that hair, you look like a clown.”
Yeah, it is really noisy in my head.
So what am I to do? Shifting a POV I’ve spent 40+ years perfecting is not easy. But the only way to do it is with continued effort. So today when I looked in the mirror and heard the old song and dance, I wore the necklace just because I like it and the top…told the “it doesn’t matter” voice that I’ve lost 5 pounds and I’m within points and I’ve been working out and it took 20 years to put this weight on my ass and it will take a while to take it off and I’m willing to wait. That made my critical self cringe a bit and when the voice tried to goad me again, I just agreed with him..’cuz Lordy my hair is horrible this morning so I just styled it another way and it looks fine now.
My critical voice started stomping its feet…and stammering but I couldn’t hear it anymore. One victory does not win the war but it is a start.
*hugs to you all*
Ruinwen
:)
6 comments:
What is real is up to you to chose. Wether it be the reflection or the source. Paintings are a good example because they are mere reflections of what the artist sees. Some of them are better than what they depict.
I understand that two-person dialogue so well. I was anorexic in high school and my first year of college, and I got to where the voices were so loud in my head that I felt like I'd lost my true self.
I've found that until I decide to no longer value the negative voice, I can't be the "real" me.
((hugs))
We all do it. It's okay.
I'm working hard on the "stop" technique - when I catch myself in "full beat-up mode" I literally shout (unless I would scare someone!) "STOP!"
(in the office, I have used a rubber band, like we used to to quit smoking)
Then I replace the hate-ful words with kinder stuff...
It may not completely work. But maybe I'll be kinder to me some of the time?
You are doing so well!!!
(I'll tell you tho', I've stopped checking weight at all - just weighins and then how my clothes feel, and how GOOD I feel!)
(((((hugs)))))
It always amazes me how eloquently you say the things that I wish I could, things that were on my mind but I could not find a way to express.
I joined WW recently too. I want to shed all the weight that last year's stress added! I'm doing really well and I'm proud of my ability to stay on track. Hope is a wonderful mood elevator!
I know -exactly- where that critical voice comes from, because I have it too. Coincidence? Nope.
KnitNana's right, changing that voice literally means learning to say "stop it" every time you catch it happening. And to re-examine the "enough" in "good enough".
Plus: you are NOT fat and old. I won't hear such talk about my sister!
How wonderful to read a post here. I've missed you Ruinwen! You've brought up some very interesting and important points here. Our POV has so much impact in our lives, every single day. I'm working on listening and seeing the more positive side these days. It takes practise but it's worth it.
Email if you have time.
Many hugs, G
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