Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Bittersweet



Chaos results when the world changes faster than people.
-Anon

I have so many emotions running through me at this moment that I feel adrift on a sea of confliction. I have been trying as of late, to kept the chaos swirling around me instead of through me. It seems I’m failing.

The doing for everyone is easy. I can organize, clean, plan and scheme. It is the deep intense feeling that is causing my routines to skip a beat here and there; thus throwing off order in my universe.

I really don’t know what to do about it except change faster then the flux around me. There is no way to do that with all my tendrils of emotion being dragged and scattered on the four winds. Lately I feel less then whole and I just don’t know how to repair me.

On one hand I have the most wonderful friends who threw me a super birthday and I could gush about it seven ways to Sunday because it was that good. All my friends…virtual or otherwise…rock. I’m blessed to have you all in my life. And I’m sorry that I’ve been ignoring blogs and such. I’ve barely been keeping up with e-mail but I’ve gleaned enough love to know that you all have sent well wishes and prayers and they all mean so much. I am thankful for each and every one of you. :)

Then there is the other hand...the one that I usually can put to the back of my head for a time and smile and be the Ruinwen you know. In the beginning of this blog I just posted projects and knitting and then I got to know you and you encouraged me to let more and more of myself show. I found a place I could talk, vent, examine, pose questions or just share what was on my mind…and it gave me a great joy to do so.

But lately I find little time for crafting…though I squeeze every ounce of time out of my Friday night at Starbucks with the girls. The things that balanced me and kept me sane seem so few and far between. I hate that when I come to this blog I sound so needy…so lost. It is not a me that I’m used to dealing with and I still reread these words and wonder who this person is that I’m becoming?

Can I be this rock that everyone thinks I am? Even rocks will erode with enough elements beating against them. How can one stay strong for everyone and yet whole for themselves?

Until I find out the answers to those questions I’m just muddling through the best that I can.

Obsidan has cancer as we suspected and the vet has no idea how much longer he will be with us. Right now the mass cells have not invaded his organs and you wouldn’t know from his constant demands that there is anything wrong with him. We are spoiling and loving him as much as possible and will continue to do so until the very end.

This was my Mother’s last holiday at home. She can’t make it up the steps anymore. She won’t walk or do anything to strengthen her body and now it is ceasing to work for her. With her short term memory gone life is very frustrating for her and she is terribly unhappy. She keeps telling me that she lived too long. It breaks my heart.

Dad confided in me that he no longer cares about getting up and getting dressed in the morning. I can see the depression settling in and a familiar pattern taking place but seem helpless to stop it. On the one hand he wants us to clean the house and the other it is killing him to see everything disappear. There is no happy middle ground. He wants to be with Mom but not in AL. He hasn’t made appointments for the doctor and is just letting it all go.

I realized this weekend that my role was going to increase as I know that I need to step in and take over this whole thing with Dad. He needs to get out of that house and be in a place where people can help him…he needs to be with Mom. I need to make this happen. So I took off a week (my only vacation) and DH and I will clean with Sis and possibly a few friends. I will get a truck and get everything out of there that needs to go. I will make sure the house is empty if that is what it takes so that Dad will come up here.

I don’t know if I told you about my son. He is having trouble keeping up in school and DH and I have been working with him as much as possible in the afternoons on everything from Math (which I am terrible at), Science and English. We have all been working very hard to bring him back up to grade level or beyond. And I feel that it is finally paying off. He has only missed one word on his spelling in the past six weeks now. He is reading better and can identify more words. It is a joy to see his confidence climb and all this hard work is so worth it.

Another change to our household is my BIL finally got his divorce and will keep sole custody of the kids. My ex-SIL gets them every other weekend and Tuesday nights for dinner and a bunch of holidays and things. Where as this is the normal progression for a separated family. These are the first visits unsupervised and it has us all a little leery.

At the same time it gives my BIL some time to do things that need to be done. He is such an amazing Dad but everybody needs some down time and he gets so little of that. This will be the first weekend without them in so long I know it will be a hard one for him. He is all about his kids. The whole thing is very bittersweet.

So that is the long and short of what is going on. Thank you for wrapping me in your thoughts and sending prayers…everything you do or say means so much to me. Again, I apologize for not being on the computer so much. I feel horrible about it but I’m doing the best I can.

All my love and light,

Ruinwen
:)
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