Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Holes


Obsidian, originally uploaded by Ruinwen.

Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.
-- Orison Swett Marden

I don’t know if I’ve told you before how terrified I am of death; which is so ironic since my name means “reaper”. But I am. I’m always afraid that this is it and wow, haven’t I really messed up this one chance that I’ve been given to make something wonderful of the time I’ve been given?

I believe in reincarnation and other worlds and so much other stuff that I take on faith. It seems stupid to be afraid of death when in my heart I believe we go on in some form or fashion. But I am.
When Obsidian died in our arms a week ago there was no fear or hesitation. My son and I watched vigil for the 15 minutes between us finding him unable to move and the moment he left us for his next life.

My son the old soul that he is asked the God and Goddess, “All I ask is in his next life may he find a family that loved him as much as we did.”

I believe in my heart he will.

My life seems to be developing holes in it as of late. When my LYS closed it formed a little yellow hole in our town. I couldn’t just stop by and see friends or sit and knit for a little with people I cared about. It still feels weird to see the building without the sign…like something isn’t quite right in my world.

Obsidian passing created a huge hole in my heart and in our home. I am happy that he hardly suffered, the steroids kept him going to the very end. We spoiled and loved him to his last breath. When he died he was surrounded by people who loved him and always will. But I miss him fiercely.

I realize that it has been over a month since I posted and that too seemed like a hole I just couldn’t fill. How can I sum up my feelings in a sentence or two and create colorful antidotes when the words just won’t flow?

But in the world of circles and cycles after each death comes a rebirth and I feel it is time to try and find my place again and leave the holes open to welcome in new things. Nothing is forgotten but time lessens the pain a bit each day and there is still so much to do I can’t stop for long.

I’ve missed your blogs and I’m out of touch but give me a few and I will find my way back.

Not all who wander are lost.
Tolkien

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

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