My friend and I were talking about when people say they are going to do something and then they don't.
This is something I really pay attention to as I agree to do things for people. Years ago I used to be afraid that me saying, "no" would hurt their feelings but how much worse is it for me to say, "yes", when I have no idea how I am going to achieve their request of me?
Being able to take me at my word is important to me. I want to be honorable, dependable, and trustworthy. I have integrity and these values are something I am always striving for in my relationships.
Now this involves being honest with myself and the person that I am creating a contract with. If I have limitations then I need to make them known at the beginning.
I am calling these promises, contracts because it is an agreement between someone making an offer and the other accepting.
For instance, a dear knitting friend asked for a bit of help with a mistake in some stitches that need to be turned around. I was happy to help but we have a three-day rule for all items that are delivered. They have to be in time-out before we will touch them.
My friend knows me and she respects my feelings on the pandemic matter and agreed that she could wait three days.
After dropping off the blanket, she texted me back that I could weave in the ends if I wanted with laughing emojis.
I had to think about this since she had a deadline for the blanket and it needed to be blocked before the ends could be secured and that would take an extra day since it was a thick fabric.
She agreed to my amendment to our contract that I will fix and block the blanket on Friday, and then on Saturday when it is dry I will tidy up the ends. She should have a finished project by Saturday in the late morning and it will be ready for pick up.
The whole time I was honest about my timetable, my feelings, and my abilities in finishing the blanket.
This may seem like a simple thing but it is more than that.
If I said that I would do this for her when she has a deadline to give this blanket to the new mother on Saturday, then I have wasted her time when she could have found another way to do this and still made her deadline.
But worst, breaking a contract like this erodes my credibility, it builds distrust and it limits the next opportunity where I might be able to help my friend.
This will probably make her think twice before asking me for help next time. It would also damage the trust that we have built up over the years. Also, it makes her feel that she is not important enough for me to be honest with her and that I felt that I had to lie to her instead of sharing my feelings.
When she needs help down the road, she might not turn to me because I have proved unreliable to her in the past.
So why would someone agree to something that they have no intention of doing?
- Saying you will do something is so much easier than doing it.
- People answer with the words that they think you want to hear.
- People answer with the script that they believe fits the situation.
Some people crave temporary credit and saying whatever people want to hear can be gratifying, it also allows them to control how you feel about them. Though in the long run, it would seem that if the person had no intention of fulfilling the promise, then they would be setting themselves up for failure or pushing their friendships away. This would create a defeatist spiral of "I am a terrible friend, person, etc or see nobody likes me."
Some people are just afraid of saying, "no" even though the request is too hard, not something that they want to do or something they even intend to do.
How each person responds to any given request is programmed usually by so many factors that the response and subsequent fulfillment or abandonment of said contract is subject to how that individual faces the world.
The factor that is important here is intent. Did the individual just say the words that you wanted to hear without ever intending to fulfill the contract? Did the individual want to fulfill the contract but knew that it would be hard and never let you in on that? Did the individual always intend on fulfilling the contract and put your needs before their own to do so because integrity and reliability were important to them?
Cersei on Game of Thrones always said, "words are wind". People can say anything, but it is their actions that really matter.
Human emotions are very complicated but the crux is, do not promise to do something that you cannot or have no intention of doing.
Always be honest about your limitations and issues that you might have regarding fulfilling the contract. Your friend will be happier to know how you really feel than to be left hanging.
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| four different swatches that show how the bias or slant of the fabric changes as the decreases are moved closer or further away from the yarn overs |
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| in this example, waves of fabric are attached to each other with a line of eyelets |
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| the Clapotis by Kate Gilbert uses dropped stitches to connect ladders of stockinette |
Dropped stitches are usually something a knitter tries to avoid but in the Clapotis pattern, they are the star.
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| here is a scarf that was knit for my sis |
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| this is a different method of dropped stitches usually called elongated stitches |
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| this pattern was inspired by the seafoam stitch |
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| my chart software is being updated so you will have to excuse my janky drawing also that 4 should be circled on the left side, not the right - whoops! |
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If you have any questions or comments on this or any of my other tutorials, please leave me a comment. **************************** Safe socially-distanced hugs 🤗 May you be safe. May your loved ones be safe. 🙏 *************************** Sending love and light to everyone facing discrimination, hate, prejudice, inequality, or racism. |
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