I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

Nature carpets the land with hues of Fall

A piece of paper fell off my shelf today.  It says, “I need to create a self ritual the will allow the self to feel a shift.”

I’ve done that.  Everything in my life has shifted and I am so thankful to the PTB.

But even though I am grateful, and so blessed I feel this nagging deep in my soul at the things that I have left undone.

When we last spoke I was cleaning out the basement and I made some real progress before stopping.

And I had good reasons but I still feel this sense of shame and guilt that I can’t shake.

I have also felt bad about not blogging.  Each week I would work on things that I couldn't share with you all yet.  And that is what I am focusing on so there would be nothing to say.  And I didn't just want to blab about something to fill space because this blog has never been about that.

So, I just didn't post and it bothered me.  But I was doing stuff and things were going on...really.

Starting off the yarn was late for my submission.  So when I got it I had to drop everything to knit which took most of my time for two weeks.  At the same time, I had to finish writing the pattern based on my observations in my knitting.  I had to learn the way that the magazine writes patterns and everyone was amazing during the process.  I am so thankful for everyone at TKGA for their support and kindness with my first submission.  

As the deadline for the submission was looming.  We had our pest company come in and redo the insulation in the attic.  They think that is where the mice were coming in.  So at least I worked towards keeping the mice out of my yarn room from a certain point of view.

Right after I sent off my submission I started getting ready for KDO and two days after submitting my sis and I were off to PA.  Our classes were great and we had a lot of fun.  I am so thankful for KDO having me back again as a teacher.  I really love everything about that event.  Everyone is amazing and so friendly.

I got back from the event with an idea that I couldn’t shake so I started working on charts as I ordered yarn and when the yarn showed up I was ready to knit.  I am super excited about pitching this class in the spring.  I am ultra proud of myself; I will have the pattern and the examples done by the time the sign-up comes around.

I am doing two different options for KDO and right now I am waiting for the new yarn to get here.  While I am waiting I am working on my spring submission for TKGA…forgot to mention I had an idea and am waiting for the committee to say yay or nay.  But, I need to flesh out my idea so I have been working on that too.

So, I have been working consistently, every single day on some aspect of my designer goals.

I should not be upset with myself for not finishing the basement because I was doing my job.  But I am.  So that is where I am at.

In Hawaii, there is a word Ho’oponopono.  It means to rectify or make right an error.  Traditionally, it would involve the whole family coming together to heal from being wronged.  The whole family would be present for the healing process where the family member could ask for forgiveness from each person and the wrong could be mended.

Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona a Hawaiian Kahuna recognized that this process would be helpful on the individual level and modified the original ritual to focus on the self.

“We are the sum total of our experiences, which is to say that we are burdened by our pasts. When we experience stress or fear in our lives, if we would look carefully, we would find that the cause is actually a memory. It is the emotions which are tied to these memories which affect us now. The subconscious associates an action or person in the present with something that happened in the past. When this occurs, emotions are activated and stress is produced.”
Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona

The process of Ho’oponopono has four phrases that can be repeated in any order.

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

When you say these words like a mantra you reconnect to your inner Divine light.  This mantra will slowly open up the part of you that is holding on to the past with negative intent.  Like an onion peeling back layer upon layer the negative connection you have to the past will dissolve as you learn to forgive yourself.

I am going to say this until I don’t feel bad about the basement project and the mulch and all the things that I have put off to work on my dream.

There are so many things that I did accomplish and I should be really proud and focusing on those things.

• I have been keeping to my schedule and I either knit or work on patterns each day.  Most days I focus 6 - 8 hours on my designing.
• I clean some aspect each day and afterward strive to keep it cleaned.
• Laundry is a given.  It is kept up with and put away when dry.
• I have walked my steps every day since July.  DH and I are walking three days a week as well.
• I have kept to my calories since July.  
• I journal every day and honor my creative voice.  
• I cook every day and keep the kitchen clean.
• I am trying new things.  
• But most of all, I have learned to believe in myself and my talents.  I keep taking risks and putting myself out there and then following through.  It has been an amazing journey so far and I am really proud of myself.

So self.

I am sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

Happy crafting,

Ruinwen

Self Sustainability

If you show up for yourself in your life, the universe will show up for you.

In talking with a friend I realized that I am the last one on my list which goes like family, friends, house, fun, creativity and me.  Why am I always last?  What would happen if I was first?

So I am trying being first on my list which then allows me to be more present with my friends and family....to have more energy to devote to the house...to be more centered to be creative...to be more immersed in my fun.  

I thought that if I put myself first then all these other aspects that are important to me would somehow have less of me.  I've always put myself last and I took whatever was left.  I'm not sure why or how it came about but I recognize it now that my friend who has always held space for me said it without judgment or accusation.  It just was the truth of my words in a way that I could not see them.

So as much as my friend sees me as being there for her, she, in turn, has always been there for me.

Since I have been working from home, I have been putting me first in practice, just maybe not in the space in my head that I see my importance.  I journal to hold space for myself.  My journal does not judge me but allows me to reread the words I've written which often changes their meaning for me.  My journal is my place to plan my day, my goals my hopes, my challenges and the things I don't want to forget.  It is also the place I am grateful, I record my successes, I celebrate my goals and I find pride in a day well-lived.

I am creating a sustainable routine.  This post has been full of buzz words and sustainable health is going to be another one.  I believe in a routine that creates an environment for yourself that nurtures and allows for future healthy growth.

Sustainable means to me:
If I get sick and miss some workouts and then I can get right back on track because a healthy body bounces back quickly.  
I know how to eat for my body and I can go out to eat without sabotaging my diet.  
I have a positive relationship with food.  
I am working towards making muscle and creating better mobility on a total body level.  
I get enough rest so that my body can recover and revitalize. 
I listen to my body/mind/spirit and have downtime to meditate, contemplate or journal.
I go easy on myself on rough days.  
I get back up after I am knocked down.
I smile and laugh as much as I can.
I have fun every day.
I do this for me. Not to be thin or a certain size, but to take care of myself.  This is my self-care routine.  This is what putting me first looks like.

Most of the things I am incorporating are things you have undoubtedly heard before here and there over the years.  

Disclaimer:  This is what worked for me.  These things made sense and were sustainable.  I can see myself using them forever and that was important to me.  They may not work for you.  You may not agree with them as needing to be on a sustainable list.  And that is okay.  Everyone has their own process.  If some of them ring true, then see if they work for you.  But again, this is what worked for me and some of the things that I found out when researching these points. 

Push water throughout the day.  The body is 60% water.  It needs hydration to function.  Headaches, sleeplessness, fatigue, cravings of sweets or salts, brain fog, impaired mood or brain function, digestive problems and allergies can all be symptoms of dehydration.  On hot days, I make it my priority to drink more water during the day to stave off dehydration.

Have a consistent sleep routine.  Sleep is when your body renews and repairs itself, it grows and heals and it allows all those muscles to rest that you use every day.  It is vital to good mental and physical health.  

Have a good breakfast.  After a night of your body resting, my bodily functions need nourishment.  This meal sets the pace of the whole day.  I focus on making it full of nutrient healthy food.

Try to slow down when you eat: meals are a celebration of bringing nature into your body to nourish, heal, energize and renew it.  Meals are not a race.  I enjoy food; I love to experience the texture and the flavors in each meal.  Chewing thoroughly before swallowing helps the entire digestion process.  

I also incorporate into my meal the act of thanks from the elements of nature that formed the food, to the people who grew it, to the people who packed and processed it to the prosperity that allowed me to buy it to the family that I eat it with.  This grace is an important part of my meal.  Having an "attitude of gratitude" is essential to my spiritual and mental wellbeing.

Follow the 85 /15 rule.  This means 85% of my food is whole and healthy and 15% is not.  This means I can have a snack or junk food if I really want it as long as the rest of the day I eat healthily.  I try and have one "treat" a day.  Some days it is really healthy and some days it is one scoop of Ben and Jerrys'.

Eat fruits and veggies.  Fruits and veggies have all those nutrients that my body needs to function and thrive.  Most of them are antioxidants in their own right.  Every member of the edible plant kingdom has some health benefit that contributes to your wellbeing.

Eat nuts (unless you are allergic).  Nuts are one of those superfood powerhouses that provide protein, fiber and good fats.  They also are filling and chock full of vitamins and minerals.  Almonds, pistachios, walnuts, cashews, pecans, macadamia nuts, brazil nuts,  hazelnuts and peanuts are the nuts that pack the most punch.

Move as much as you can.  When I was chained to my desk, moving was hard.  I would swivel and twist in my chair to give my core a workout.   I would hold my feet off the ground to engage my core.  I would do whatever I could to move a bit even though I was sitting for hours on end.  Belly circles are another thing I would do that no one could tell I was doing.  There was always something I could do.

Now that I'm not chained to my desk, it is relatively easy to get up every hour and do something.  I can do chores in between work and I've made time to work out.  But I understand, in this case, not everyone can do that.  

I know this can be hard.  It is always hard for me.  That is why I am going for a sustainable process.  I want to create changes that you can keep doing that allow you to reach your goals within the limits of your lifestyle.  Sometimes that can be as easy as parking farther away from the supermarket or setting a timer that gets you up every hour during the day.

Don't forget doing chores is moving.  On laundry days I am amazed by the number of steps I get.  There is a lot of movement in cooking or doing dishes.  Don't sell yourself short, those chores really add up to creating a healthy lifestyle.

My DH wanted to walk more.  The only way to do that was before work when he has the energy and drive and time.  So at 6 am we walk and catch Pokemon and talk.  It has become easier to get up and get going over time.  I really wanted to do it for him and then I realized that wow!  this is really great for me too.  I get so many steps and time with him and I am out in nature watching the world wake up.

I get that just going to the mailbox can be a walk.  I was there once and I remember that feeling of if I can just take those steps...if I can just do this one thing then maybe I could take more steps and create a healthy life for myself.  I have always had the support of my friends and family and that has been huge for me.

Do things that bring you joy.  I am always doing things that bring me the most joy.  Laughter is so healthy.  It lowers stress levels, strengthens your immune system, diminishes pain and boots your mood.  Just smiling can activate those healthy properties in your body.  

So this time, it is not about a number on a scale.  I'm not focused on that.  If I create a healthy lifestyle and diet then those numbers will reflect that.  I'm not worried about what I want to look like in the end because there is no end.  I am focused on feeling good in my own skin, feeling healthy in my own body and feeling happy in my process.  

***************
Week 2 of Tracking Back Basement challenge

I feel like I have reached a good pace with this goal.  I am moving and or cleaning things daily.  As you can see the stuff on the doorway table, and the table itself, has been moved.  Bins have been achieved and are starting to be filled with bagged yarn.

This week is all about moving the yarn on the left side of the room and cleaning the hanging drawers that the mouse lived in.  This is the part that I am afraid of...how much yarn has been destroyed?  

Fear and doubts are a big hurdle I always have to overcome.  So I made this little mantra that ties into my light cleansing mantra I say each day.

I release fear and doubt and transform them into wisdom and light.  I am the light.

I memorized this quite easily and have been chanting it throughout the day to quell those doubtful daemons that pull at my soul.  Each time I chant those words I feel a little more at peace with my inner self.  

Wisdom helps me to see that this week's task may be filled with uncertainty but it is also filled with discovery.  Why focus on the bad that could happen?  I very well may discover some amazing yarns that I forgot I had.  Really, that is quite likely.

***************

So, I feel at this point it might be important to talk about the hantavirus.  Certain mice can carry a virus that affects the pulmonary system in humans.  It is found in urine and mouse droppings which can disintegrate and become airborne when they are disturbed.  The virus can live in droppings and urine for up to a week at normal room temperatures found in the house, in direct sunlight the virus degrades at a faster rate.

It is a horrible illness.  Infection may occur up to six weeks before symptoms become apparent.  Initial flu-like symptoms from hantavirus infection can include fever, fatigue, muscle aches, and stomach upset. Respiratory symptoms occur later and may progress to pneumonia that requires that patients be on a breathing tube in the intensive care unit, to secondary bacterial infections, and to multi-organ failure. 

I am pretty sure that my mouse visit happened in the spring and during that time I already disturbed everything when I freaked out, so if I was going to get infected it would have happened.  But, I am still using a mask, wearing gloves and not vacuuming just to be safe.  I am spraying the droppings with disinfectant and mopping them up after five minutes just to be cautious.  

This takes time, but I feel that it is important to dispose of the mouse waste products responsibly.

***************

Sorry, no knitting progress.  But I have found plenty of new yarn to play with!

Happy crafting,
Ruinwen

Tracking Back

In cooking, it is easy to track something back to its point of origin.  The cooking time and the prep time is all laid out for you.  You just have to follow the time backward from your serving time and voila, you have your starting time.

Anything can be treated with this trackback mentality.

If you know the time/end date of a chore or activity then you can trackback from that date and create steps for all the days that you have in between your starting date and your ending date.

It can be something simple as having prepared hot tea for a guest to redoing a room.

In my case preparing tea goes something like this:

• Heat the water
• Put out tea or tea bags
• Put out spoons
• Put out honey
• After the water is hot, steep tea for five minutes to allow flavors to deepen.
• After five minutes, strain or remove the tea bag
• Add honey
• Stir
• Serve

All in all, this process takes 15 minutes. I have it down to a science, or ritual if you will.  I try and imbue my tea with love, light, and happiness as well.

These kind of simple tasks are easy to trackback.

But what about the long-term projects?  They are harder to judge because unforeseen things can sometimes happen during long-term projects that make them go faster or slower.

So, I have a long-term project which I could never get the mental energy to tackle.  Mental energy is very different than having the physical energy to work on a project.  Mental energy involves emotions like; happiness, confidence, focus, willpower, motivation, and productivity. And those were things I was severely lacking or couldn't maintain for a long time.

Back in August 2013, I had a knitting room.  It was amazing and organized and I loved it so much.  The room just seemed to radiate with color.  

In October of 2015, it was flooded when the dishwasher repeatedly cycled water for four hours.  They had to rip out my new flooring and the kitchen got moved to the knitting room and in truth, I have never had the mental energy to clean it.

Then last year, a mouse made his/her residence for the winter in my knitting which was ruined so it added another mental layer of avoidance for me with this project.

After I quit my job, I gained some positive attributes to my mental arsenal.  Just having this time to rediscover myself and heal has changed me in ways I cannot even express.

So as of today, this is what my Knitting Room looks like.  Yeah, that is what I thought too.  :(

In the spirit of tracking back, I thought I would offer my Knitting Room up for an example.  This is going to be an emotional roller coaster for me.  Every project, every yarn has a story and a place in my heart.  I don't know what I will find.

And here we go.

My goal date is October 31st to have everything out of the room and sorted so a new floor can be put down. Every skein of yarn has to be checked and then bagged before going into a mouse-proof container.  There are shelving units, drawer units and closed box units full of yarn.  There are baskets and boxes full of yarn.  There is a lot of yarn in my knitting room.  I hope most of it is safe.

• My projects which the mouse shared a house with will need to be disinfected, washed and reblocked.  

• Everything in the mouse area has to be washed, disinfected and possibly destroyed.

• Tools also have to be sorted and or cleaned.

• My spinning wheel needs to be moved.

• Any trash needs to be cleaned up.  Any debris needs to be disposed of.

• Move kitchen items back to the kitchen.

• Wash blankets and pillows on my knitting chair.

Okay, it will be a lot of work but let's block it out and track it back.

There are eight full weeks and five extra days.

Week 1:

Wash / disinfect personal knitting.  Reblock any items that need blocking.

Clean off the little table in the doorway.  Wash / disinfect table cover.  

Move little table back up to Kitchen area or find a new home for it elsewhere in the house or move to the Garage.

Move yarn that is in the doorway to safebox.  Make sure everything is bagged.

So that will get me in the door.

Week 2:

Clean up the hanging storage areas where the mouse lived.  Disinfect them and store them in the Guest Room.  

Go through and clean / disinfect everything that the mouse touched.

Go through all the yarn and clean / disinfect everything that the mouse touched.  Move all the hanging storage areas on the left side of the room to the Guest Room.

Week 3:

Clean up stuff on the floor and relocate or get rid of.

Move all yarn and project-related material from the storage shelving on the left side of the room to the safe box.  Make sure everything is bagged.

Move storage shelving to the Guest Room.

Move any written notes of pattern creations and such to pattern hanging file after reviewing.

Week 4:

Focus on hanging shelving on the right side of the room.  Move / clean /disinfect all yarn.  Make sure everything is bagged.

Move all hanging shelving on the right side of the room to the Guest Room.

If the safe chest is full, get a second chest.

Week 5:

All the hanging shelving should be put away with the brackets and everything by now.  If not, finish removing the brackets and hardware.

Clean off the knitting chair.  Check for mice activity in the yarn.  Move / clean / disinfect all yarn.  Make sure everything is bagged.  Move to the safe chest.

Clean the chair itself and all the blankets on it should be washed.  Move the chair to the Guest Room.  It is getting quite cramped in there by now I suppose.

Start moving/cleaning / disinfecting surface of the tabletop.  Throw away any junk.  Relocate any items that don't belong in the Knitting Room.

Week 6:

Move all yarn and project-related material from the storage shelving on the right side of the room to the safe box.  Make sure everything is bagged.

Move storage shelving to the Guest Room.

At this point, everything should be off of the floor level.

Week 7:

Have them come in and do an estimate on the work to be done.  Ask if I have to take down the rest of the higher shelving.

In the meantime, go through all the higher boxes, which are sealed and should have been safe, for any holes.  Clean off the boxes.  Dust everything.  Clean everything.

Move any items that they request to be moved.

Week 8:

Knitting Room Floor is repaired.

Goal Achieved.  There is much rejoicing...

Going forward...

Since it took 8 weeks to get to this point.  Don't be disgusted with myself if it takes a few weeks to get everything back on shelving.

After the new floor is put in, slowly put everything back.  Reorganize.  Make sure everything is in bags and safe from possible future mice.

Move knitting that has been stored upstairs back down to the knitting room.

Whew.

So that is the plan which will go into effect this week.

I will take pictures and keep a record of where I am to be accountable to you all and myself.

Thanks for reading,

Happy crafting,

Ruinwen

:)

As of Wednesday morning, which is when I post my blog, I have already:

• Staged the Guest Room for storing everything
• Moved the yarn safe box down to the Guest Room
• Washed and disinfected my personal knitting
• Started moving some of the yarn that was not touched by the mouse and is already bagged to the safe box

Here is my personal knitting after disinfecting and drying.  Two of the lace projects felted even though I tried so hard not to felt them.  Otherwise, no colors bled and everything is still wearable.  So, yay!

You can still see the lace when you hold it up to the light so it wasn't totally destroyed.

Holding Space

When I was having lunch with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, she told me that one of the things that she liked about me was that I had always held space for her.

One, I was so happy to have a compliment like that.  It is so hard for me to see myself through the eyes of those who can truly see me.  Her single statement helped me to see myself in a light that I never truly could see until this moment.

When you hold space for someone, you are there for them on almost a holy level of support.  For instance, if you have ever called in a circle, smudged your house, said grace or warded something; you have called in a sacred space.  

In this case, you are encircling your friend with your energy.  You are creating a place, a scared space, where they feel safe and protected.  This is a place where they can share anything and you will be present with them and listen with more than your ears.  You will be open to their journey without judgment.  You will accept them for who they are and not try and change them.  You will bear witness to their story, their path, and their process.  

I hug everyone I meet.  It is a way of sharing energy.  In holding space for someone you hug them without ever touching.  Your energy encircles them and supports and protects them.

This is a sacred space where they can feel safe to speak their feelings without being judged.  At times you may be called to just be a witness to powerful moments in their transformative process.  In these moments you are like a vessel that your friend can use to pour out all their emotions and feelings and see them laying before them.  Many times it can help them to clarify thoughts or ideas.  It can help them to see the issues that they are struggling through since in this safe place they are free to see them without judgment.

In holding space it is not about you.  This is not where you try and “fix” something that you see needs fixing.  By being with them, really being in their moment and listening to them or if there are no words, just sitting there with them, you are projecting compassion and understanding.  You don’t have to ask them, “What can I do,” or “How can I help you” because you are in that moment, helping more then you can ever know.

One of the hardest things in holding space for someone is to be non-judgmental.  I am not just talking about accepting them for who they are and where they are in their process, that is relatively easy.  I am talking about not filling this sacred space with your mind chatter about how you think you could fix this, or how when this happened to you, you did this or anything about you.  This is not your process you are not here to evaluate how your friend should proceed.  You are a vessel, you do not get to choose how you are filled.

A partner to being non-judgmental is acceptance.  In this space your friend should be able to say whatever she needs to say, she should be able to cry or vent or be in whatever part of her process that needs to be.  Be there for them, that is enough.  If your mind is full of things you could change or fix, quiet your mind by using the mantra:

“I am here for _____.  
I support ______.  
I accept _____.”  

When you accept someone for who they are in the present moment, there is no desire to change or fix or improving them because they are exactly where they need to be.

Your whole attention is focused on your friend.  You are keeping eye-contact with them.  You are listening to them with your whole being.  You will know if they need a response from you, otherwise don’t interrupt, add, or comment, your words unless asked for only will only distract your friend.  Your silence will nurture them and allow them to have space to think where they can look at their words and thoughts and see how to progress.  Your support by just being there can give them a silent strength that they needed in order to grow and take their next steps.

It is not an easy thing to do because our ego wants to get in the way so it is a learning process of quieting our inner critics and voices in order to make room for someone else for a while.  But I believe we are equally healed by the process.  It is by giving of ourself without motive or process that we learn truths about ourselves that have remained hidden in all the inner chatter and noise.  

Namaste  (I bow to the Divine in you)

(I used "friend" and "her" to describe this process but it could be anyone or even a group of people.)

I accept each and every one of you where you are on your journey.  I sit without judgment in total acceptance.  This is a sacred space.  Namaste

**********************

So my friend Fran has been making this for 10 years!  There was a time when her hands bothered her so much she couldn't work on it but thankfully, lately, they are better and she is able to crochet again.

This is Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper in filet crochet.  It is stunning.  I had the honor of blocking it with her.  This picture is a before blocking shot.  I am so, so proud of her!  This is just amazing.

************************

I am in love with double knitting!

Here is my crab potholder that I just finished.  I am in love with it.  The crab design was created by Regina Schoenfeldt.  She has a lot of beautiful designs on her Ravelry Page.

I've been using an edging that I really love.  It is clean and easy to do as long as you follow a few simple steps.

For this tutorial, the green stitches represent the MC (main color) stitches and the blue stitches represent the CC (contrasting color) stitches for side one and then they will switch place for side two and the MC will be blue whereas the CC will be green.

On your first row, just do what you always do for double knitting: 

• Knit with the MC yarn in the back of your work
• Bring the MC yarn to the front of your work and purl in the CC yarn, which is already in the front of the work.

Follow your chart across the row until the last pair of stitches.

When you get to your last pair of stitches.  Make sure the working yarns are laying like this. 

You will slip the green stitch (MC) purlwise from the left-hand needle to the right-hand needle with both yarns in the back of your work.

Then you want to make sure the blue stitch (CC) is laying over the green working yarn (MC) before you bring it to the front.

This is the crucial element that holds the two colors together on the edge.

Once your blue working yarn
(CC) is in front of your work.  Slip the last blue stitch (CC) on your left-hand needle purlwise to the right-hand needle and you have completed the right-hand edge.

Now we are back to the left-hand edge.

When you turn your work it will look like the picture.

The blue working yarn (MC) is in the back alone and the green working yarn (CC) is in the front alone.

Knit the blue stitch (MC) with only the blue (MC) working yarn in the back of your work

Bring the (MC) to the front and purl the green (CC) with the green working yarn.  Both working yarns are in the front.

Finally, bring both working yarns to the back to begin the normal progression across the row until you get to the last pair of stitches and then repeat the process.

And that's it!  

Thanks for reading!

If you have any questions regarding this or any of my other tutorials, please feel free to leave a question in the comments.

Happy Crafting,

Ruinwen
:D

Motivation

Some double knitting that I am working on.

On this rainy, foggy morning I find it hard to get going.  This is the kind of day that you just want to hit the snooze bar, roll over and go back to sleep.

Only I didn’t, because that isn’t what I want for my day.

I know there are things that are scheduled for today that need to get done.  I know there are things that I want to achieve today.

I see chores as blessings that I do for my house and my family.  I see healthy choices as blessings that I do for myself.  I see errands as the oil that greases the cogs that run our lives and they are blessings as well.

I start the day by being thankful that I can start another day.  I have gratitude for our part of the world waking up, the birds starting to chirp, the rain falling on the roof, the sun painting colors across the sky and our little house starting to stir.

I also start the day with a plan.  I have three things planned that must happen on top of the things that always happen.  If I am sick or depressed or whatever then those three things can be simple and my schedule is flexible to allow for these days.  Even the moon can’t show her shining face all the time, once a month she turns inward.

On these days I probably won’t get my steps or get a lot of knitting done.  I might ask for assistance in getting out the trash or doing the cat box.  Even if I have tasks in my journal for the day they probably will be arrowed to the next day.  There is no shame or guilt in that.  If I don’t feel good enough, I take care of myself.  If you can’t take care of yourself, then how can you be there for others?

We are such complex beings, some days it seems overwhelming the amount of care that it takes to be nourished and hygienic, for lack of a better word.  As you get older you add routines to your routines to take care of all the little things that you never imagined would be part of your daily life.  

But, I find that I feel totally renewed after my shower.  I feel amazing after a walk or a workout.  A meal that I created and put my energy into, stays with me and nourishes my soul as well as my body.  

How you choose to see everything, becomes how it is.  For instance, I could choose to see eating within my calories as a total pain and it would be just that.  But, what if I chose to see it as a game.  My meals are like a puzzle that I have to unravel in order to stay within my calorie count and fullness meter.  Now, when I get up I start planning how the food that I’m going to eat is going to work for the day into my calorie count.  And, yes, I have an app for that.  I use Lose It.  I have been using it forever and I love it.

But that wasn’t my point…your motivation, in any endeavor, from getting up in the morning to making your dreams come true is based on how you choose to see how that endeavor fits into your life.

Dreading doing the laundry…makes it dreadful.  Being thankful for clean clothes makes you appreciate the variety and amount of clothes that you have.  When all the clothes are clean and the beds are washed I just feel amazing going to sleep that night.  Clean covers, clean bedclothes, make for the best sleep!

Is it easy all the time?  No, of course not.  But I have found it does get easier if you have a positive attitude.  Things that I really struggled with in the beginning are just becoming part of my day now.

Don’t laugh but the hardest thing for me was cleaning the cat box.  Hubby used to do it and then I took it over to shave off some of his morning chore time.  In the beginning, it really hurt my back to scoop the boxes.  I ended up having to stretch before and after scooping to get through it.  And that was just sad.

But after getting back to walking again and achieving my steps each day, the pain just totally disappeared.  I can scoop to my heart’s content and there is no fear of pain or putting it off until later in the day.  I just do it.   

I wonder if my changed attitude towards my kitties happiness has anything to do with the lack of so many misses outside the box?  It seemed that they were missing every day and there was that extra task of cleaning it all up.  But now, they only miss once and a while and that is great!

Regardless our three purry furries are worth it!

Frost, Kitsune and Shadow

The point is, there are some things in life we can’t change, but most things we can alter our perception of how they will impact us through a positive attitude, perseverance patience and belief in yourself and your abilities.  

Start your positive attitude mantra with saying I AM…and say it in the present tense.

I AM eating healthy.

I AM working out today.

I AM knitting five rows.

I AM going to clean the catbox.

When you say I AM you are creating reality.  If you don’t believe that words have power and are made up of energy, that is okay.  But think of how many I AM negative statements you say every day that you believe and have believed for all or most of your life.

And those negative I AM statements have power.  They silently sabotage you and create doubt in your self and your abilities.  And they have been doing it without any resistance from you.

Those negative voices always get louder when you are about to embark on change.  Our inner critic hates change.

So it is up to you to change the dialogue you hear in your head.  These are just a few examples.

Instead of I AM so stupid say I AM thinking before I act

Instead of I AM fat say I AM making healthy life choices

Instead of I AM lazy say I AM full of energy and purpose

Instead of I AM not good enough say I AM always good enough

You need to retrain your brain to think in the positive instead of the negative.  It can be difficult because you have been thinking negativity for so long.  

What I had to do to break out of my destructive “I AM not good enough” cycle was to first create a dialogue with myself.

“Not good enough” is so vague.  To whose standards am I not good enough…and for what?  This negative mantra I kept saying to myself was because I didn’t believe that my Dad thought I was good enough.

Dad left me a letter which went on to say how proud he was of me…this didn’t give my “not good enough” voice much credence, now did it?  

So then I had to ask myself if Dad didn’t believe that about me then who was I seeking approval from?  Myself?  Really?

At this point, I knew something needed to change in me.  So I started saying “release” every time that “not good enough” thought would come up.  I would think of a handler with a dog that had been trained to let go when the command “release” was given and soon my negative thought had to loosen its hold on me.

Then I started thinking what would my life be like if I was “good enough”  I would be a designer…well, wait I am a designer.   

I would be better at math…well, wait I can balance a checkbook, do my own taxes and convert grams to inches in a patten so yeah, next?

That negative voice didn’t want to give up, but each time I said “release” I could feel something changing in me until I believed that I was good enough…I AM good enough.

It took time and patience and all this didn’t happen overnight but any relationship, including the one with yourself, is worth the time and effort you put into it.

Why all this psycho-babble?  This is my shining moment and I can feel all the “not good enoughs” and “so stupids” trying to push back in.  I can feel the anxiety ready to ramp up when it realizes that I AM walking my talk.

I AM a Creatrix!

I AM a designer!

I AM thinking before I act!

I AM a teacher!

I AM a knitter!

I AM a believer!

To all those negative voices I say, “NOT TODAY.  NOT TOMORROW.  NOT EVER!”

This is my moment, the one I worked for since the day I put on the designer label.  This is the reason I research stitches and I teach others how to make them.  

I believe in my self…I AM taking a deep breath…and now I start the first stitches on a new journey.

*drops needles*

*******

On the knitting front, I am working on Page's Blanket and the above creation.  It is a present for someone so I am hesitant to show it fully.  I love double knitting; it amazes me each and every time when the pattern creates itself on the back as I knit it on the front.

I have learned a whole lot over the years on how to make my edges neater and some really nifty cast-ons and bind-offs.

I will share some of that knowledge with you next week when I can get assistance in taking pictures or maybe filming some of the steps.

In the meantime,

Thanks for stopping by.  :D

Happy Crafting,

Ruinwen