Light and Shadow

"Our lives improve only when we take chances ... and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves."

-- Walter Anderson

I’m at this point in my life change/goals…whatever you want to call it…I have to brutally honest with myself and face my shadows. I find this the hardest step of all.

I find after years of taking care of everything for my self and my family to a large degree; I find that don’t like to not be holding the reins in regard to my destiny. I continually have to bite my tongue to stop the “word vomit” from saying things I don’t really mean.

And this is hard for me to admit but it is happening more and more where I just feel so argumentative over the stupidest things because suddenly I’m afraid of not being in control of a situation.

"There are no guarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary."

-- Emmanuel

I don’t even know why this is so important…being in control. I do know from my essence work that it is a fear of something…but I’m not sure what.

So that is a big shadow that looms over me right now and I’m not sure what to do about it until I know where it is coming from.

The thing about shadows is they can’t exist without light. This weekend was full of sunshine and blue skies.

I think that I’ve finally gotten over last year where our weekends were dedicated to my parents and the house. These last two weekends have left me feeling rested and fulfilled at the same time.

We’ve cleaned and gotten rid of old things...especially clothes...and recycled or gifted them. We’ve made strives to create a home for two families where both have more places to put things like shoes and gloves. We’ve rearranged and let in more good chi and light into our living room.

This weekend we welcomed in Ostra as the evidence of Spring is everywhere around us. I pretty much just reinforced my New Year’s goals. I was happy to see that last year’s goals pretty much came to fruition…even if I didn’t record that fact here.

I usually prepare a big feast but DH wanted to go and eat BBQ outside and honor the day that way and really…it was a great idea. We then built a fire outside on the slab and had ritual on the deck. It was a huge change from having it inside at the hearth…but this is probably the first warm Ostra we’ve had like this in years.

My herb garden seemed to survive the winter better then I’d thought it would. I have new shoots and green leaves bursting forth. Smelling the aromatic fragrances of all my beloved green friends was a wonderful blessing indeed. My son has taken an interest in herbs and he helped me clean out the beds and prune the dead branches.

I have spent a lot more time with him now that we have time to spend, and he is turning into a wonderful young man. I have watched him really blossom this year in so many ways. I am so proud of all he has overcome and his compassionate nature. He is such a blessing to my life.

DH and I have had more time to talk again…which is something that I missed last year. We even got in some morning snuggle time on Sunday which made the whole day even better.

There seems to be a little time for everything again. And there is a balance being restored that is stronger than the chaos trying to pull it apart.

I know that there will always be shadows in my life; but as long as there is plenty of light as well…I will be okay.

Bright blessings and warm sunny hugs,
Ruinwen
:)

Note: The cherry blossoms are from my childhood home. They would always herald spring's return for us. Our street would be lined in sweet pink and at the first rain or wind, we would be surrounded with pink snow. I will miss them this year as they join a list of memories dear that will be held forever in my heart.