Friday, March 26, 2010

Light and Shadow

"Our lives improve only when we take chances ... and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves."
-- Walter Anderson

I’m at this point in my life change / goals…whatever you want to call it…I have to brutally honest with myself and face my shadows. I find this the hardest step of all.

I find after years of taking care of everything for my self and my family to a large degree; I find that don’t like to not be holding the reins in regard to my destiny. I continually have to bite my tongue to stop the “word vomit” from saying things I don’t really mean.

And this is hard for me to admit but it is happening more and more where I just feel so argumentative over the stupidest things because suddenly I’m afraid of not being in control of a situation.

"There are no guarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary."
-- Emmanuel

I don’t even know why this is so important…being in control. I do know from my essence work that it is a fear of something…but I’m not sure what.

So that is a big shadow that looms over me right now and I’m not sure what to do about it until I know where it is coming from.

The thing about shadows is they can’t exist without light. This weekend was full of sunshine and blue skies.

I think that I’ve finally gotten over last year where our weekends were dedicated to my parents and the house. These last two weekends have left me feeling rested and fulfilled at the same time.

We’ve cleaned and gotten rid of old things...especially clothes...and recycled or gifted them. We’ve made strives to create a home for two families where both have more places to put things like shoes and gloves. We’ve rearranged and let in more good chi and light into our living room.

This weekend we welcomed in Ostra as the evidence of Spring is everywhere around us. I pretty much just reinforced my New Year’s goals. I was happy to see that last year’s goals pretty much came to fruition…even if I didn’t record that fact here.

I usually prepare a big feast but DH wanted to go and eat BBQ outside and honor the day that way and really…it was a great idea. We then built a fire outside on the slab and had ritual on the deck. It was a huge change from having it inside at the hearth…but this is probably the first warm Ostra we’ve had like this in years.

My herb garden seemed to survive the winter better then I’d thought it would. I have new shoots and green leaves bursting forth. Smelling the aromatic fragrances of all my beloved green friends was a wonderful blessing indeed. My son has taken an interest in herbs and he helped me clean out the beds and prune the dead branches.

I have spent a lot more time with him now that we have time to spend; and he is turning into a wonderful young man. I have watched him really blossom this year in so many ways. I am so proud of all he has overcome and his compassionate nature. He is such a blessing to my life.

DH and I have had more time to talk again…which is something that I missed last year. We even got in some morning snuggle time on Sunday which made the whole day even better.

There seems to be a little time for everything again. And there is a balance being restored that is stronger then the chaos trying to pull it apart.

I know that there will always be shadows in my life; but as long as there is plenty of light as well…I will be okay.

Bright blessings and warm sunny hugs,

Note: The cherry blossoms are from my childhood home. They would always herald spring's return for us. Our street would be lined in sweet pink and at the first rain or wind we would be surrounded with pink snow. I will miss them this year as they join a list of memories dear that will be held forever in my heart.


Marlene said...

"I don’t even know why this is so important…being in control."

I'm very much like that myself. Maybe it's my fear of change? I'm a great one for routine, (so much so that I can dig myself into quite a rut). If I give up control then I also give up outcome and that can result in unpredictable change. Scary stuff! Must. Have. Routine.

KnitNana said...

Not so surpising that being unable to control things bugs you! I think it's probably the human condition, tho' some are better at letting it be (or are they really hiding something? like maybe their frustration?) - Anyway, I know you're not alone.
The photo of the bottles in the window is FABULOUS! Makes me want to build little glass shelves and line my front window with all the blue glass I have.

Heather said...

It was nice to see your post. You always brighten my day. I'm glad to see that you are making headway in some of the challenges that have plagued over the last year. Maybe letting go allows the energy to start flowing a little in the right direction. I have issues with control also, but on the flip side have become so paralyzed about making decisions that I feel stagnant. I think maybe I'll just choose not to decide, choose not to try to control and just focus on what I'm doing tomorrow not next month or next year. Hugs.

Birdsong said...

Wonderfully honest.... maybe making lists of the things that are hard to let go of will help you uncover a pattern or what the fear is... just monitor closely, but try to breathe in and wait 10 seconds before speaking, and see if the little voice of the fear comes through. Maybe that 'word vomit' you are describing is trying to hide your fear from yourself.

I agree with Heather, I am delighted to see more posting this year:) Thanks for sharing a wonderful childhood memory.

Breien in Lansingerland said...

Beautiful... the blooming trees. It seems we have been struggling with the same issues in the past time. I feel sometimes you have to let go of things, in order to enjoy other (new things) instead. You will find your way in spirit and in life.

rueyeet said...


heeee. :D

Given all the control issues in our household growing up, it'd be amazing if you DIDN'T have some baggage in that regard, really.

I miss our cherry blossoms too... But not as much as I like having my weekends back. O:

<3 Love!