"Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are -- chaff and grain together -- certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."
-- Dinah Mulock
Greetings and Salutations to you all:
I hope your best moments of 2008 will be the worst of 2009.
This year was the year that I reached the dark night of the soul…this was the year that broke me into shards and putting me back together was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t really explain why or how it happened but it did and now I’m back.
Everyone goes through watching their loved ones age and I knew that it wasn’t easy but I had never lived it for myself. I once worked in a nursing home and I kept on doing it until one of the residents I loved passed on. I’m too emotional at everything and it really tore me up inside. I never could go back after that and I hated myself at being so weak.
This year was the year that I reached the dark night of the soul…this was the year that broke me into shards and putting me back together was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t really explain why or how it happened but it did and now I’m back.
Everyone goes through watching their loved ones age and I knew that it wasn’t easy but I had never lived it for myself. I once worked in a nursing home and I kept on doing it until one of the residents I loved passed on. I’m too emotional at everything and it really tore me up inside. I never could go back after that and I hated myself at being so weak.
This is my sis, me and Mom during happier times.
In a few weeks, we will move Mom to the 3rd floor because Assisted Living doesn’t provide enough round the clock care. After her fall two weeks ago everyone thinks this is for the best. There comes a time when each new hurdle seems to get easier and there are times when I still break down and cry for the silliest reasons.
I’ve realized that I can’t make her happy no matter how hard I try and it isn’t my job to do so. All I can do is love her and be there for her; which I believe I do to the best of my ability. Sometimes for a moment, I see my old Mom in there but mostly the woman I knew is gone. I’m trying my best to get to know this new woman with my Mother’s beautiful green eyes and a warm smile.
I’ve realized that I can’t make her happy no matter how hard I try and it isn’t my job to do so. All I can do is love her and be there for her; which I believe I do to the best of my ability. Sometimes for a moment, I see my old Mom in there but mostly the woman I knew is gone. I’m trying my best to get to know this new woman with my Mother’s beautiful green eyes and a warm smile.
On Friday they are taking pictures of Dad’s heart. There is something wrong with a valve or something…could you please keep him in your thoughts or prayers?
We’ve been cleaning the house as much as we are able and at times it feels like we are just getting nowhere…there is still so much to do. My father won’t abandon ship until every book has been found a new home and as much as I want to I’ve stopped pushing for him to move. If he wants to stay in his house then so be it.
His life and memories are in that house and if he wants to take a while to sift through them before he lets go then I’m not saying a word. He has lived in that house since he said his vows to Mom. My sister and I grew up in that house. At night the walls echo with childhood laughter and good memories.
My house is full of childhood laughter 24-7. Adjusting to two families under one roof was difficult but so worth it. I’ve gotten to know my BIL a little bit better and as I’m always saying he is so a better Mom than me. He takes his kids to High School Musical or Ravens Training Camp he is always looking for new things to do with them. He baked cookies for all the kids in all the classes and the Y…he is a devoted Father and his kids always come first…ALWAYS.
I guess I feel like right now it is hard for me to be the kind of Mom who plans stuff and has arts and craft things set up for the weekend. Though my son did mention he wanted to learn how to knit or crochet sometime soon! We cook together once a week because he loves it. We baked cookies and bread for two weeks straight during the holidays. All the kids liked to bake cookies and they were a big help. I try to keep up with things for school and he never goes in empty handed when stuff is assigned.
I listen to him and all his ideas and never shoot down his dreams no matter how outrageous they may be. When we play I always tell him that just because he failed this time doesn’t mean he will the next time. And just because he failed this time it doesn’t make him a failure. He’s watched me try something over and over until I got it just to prove a point.
Whatever he’s been interested in I’ve nurtured. I’ve never pushed him into something just because I felt he should do it. He knows that he is loved and cherished. And he tells me that I’m a good Mommy and I try and believe him.
My “mommy issues” go way back and that is a post that I still haven’t had the courage to write. So…suffice it to say this is one of my biggest hurdles to overcome…believing I’m good enough for this amazing little human who puts so much faith in me.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post but you see this is the way that my whole life is right now. The good and the bad all woven together and me doing the best I can.
This is my crazy quilt tarot bag that I made a few years back. It is full of love, memories and symbols and if I was a quilt...I think I'd look a lot like this. :)My personal goals for this New Year are scaled down from previous years:
I want to post once a week – I’m trying for Wednesdays
I want to keep up on RSS feeds and e-mail dailyI want to learn to knit socks Cat Bordhi style
I want to take a spiritual bath once a week
I want to do at least one reading each month
I want to learn to cook one new dish
I want to maintain 150 pounds or go lower but not higher
But mostly I want to be surrounded by family and friends.
No matter how you spend it may your New Year’s celebration be safe and joyful! Here’s to 2009!
Ruinwen
:)
Ruinwen
:)
