Holding Space and Showing Up

My wonderful daughter and I ❤️

 (Caution: this post may have triggers for adoptive parents or adopted children.) I hope that it helps you in one small way.

It seems forever since this post https://vixenpath.blogspot.com/2010/05/hole-in-my-heart.html

When I gifted my daughter so many years ago, I wanted to be part of her life in any way she was happy with.  Every year on her birthday,  I would write her a letter.

The truth is that those letters were hard in the beginning, but as the years went by, I realized I wasn't just showing up; I was holding space for possibilities, and I enjoyed sharing things with her.

I wrote poems for her and shared my dreams, and I got a few pictures here and there with some letters from her parents (who are fabulous, loving people). Those pictures were like treasures to me, and I kept them with me at all times in my wallet. I always felt so blessed that her parents would write to me and let me know how she was doing. I was ecstatic to get those letters and pictures, but I always held space for more.

Then one day, I got a call from my social worker about a birth-daughter who was looking for her birthday letter, and they wanted to know if I had sent it, and they lost it.  

I felt a million emotions at once, and my heart opened up to make more room. I was crazy happy, bawling like a baby, and my social worker held space for me the whole time.  

She then asked me the question that changed everything: "Do you want me to see if she would be open to e-mail?"

Of course, I said, "Yes!"

That weekend was her birthday and our wedding anniversary.  We got hand-fasted on the Saturday after Beltaine, which was my daughter's birthday.  So many happy blessings that day!  💖

I had planned a weekend getaway for my DH to a romantic hot tub for two and a beautiful B&B. We walked in the door, and I received an email: "I'm your birth daughter."

He was so happy for me and didn't mind that it was all I could think about and talk about. He joked and said, "I hope she doesn't call me stepdad because they always end up being the villain."

That e-mail led to others.  We were better at texting, and as I became more confident, I started opening up more, inviting in more space, and learning about this remarkable woman my daughter had become.

Then, like Anais Nin says, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

I asked her if it was okay if I said good night each night, and she said it was.  Saying good night is such a sacred part of my day.  If she needs Reiki, I will send some.   

She prayed for me when I was ill and sent me good energy. She held space for me, and I felt safe with someone who understood what was happening to me. Some of our chats were the only reason I got through the day.

During that time, we became good friends. We have so much in common, and there is always something to talk about. I used to have all these blocks, triggers, and things that I never knew how to heal, and they transformed day by day.

I could finally step back and view these things and see that they were past perceptions that no longer hold true, if they ever did.

All those fears and insecurities have melted away because my son and daughter are such beautiful people. I feel whole in a way I cannot explain. I feel like I have unfurled beautiful wings like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. I feel free, and in that freedom is love, family, connections, pure joy, and discovery.

Ah, dear readers, there is more to this story.  We decided to meet at a sushi restaurant, and it was magical.  I saw her beautiful face and heard her voice for the first time, and I was just so happy.

We talked forever. We both accepted each other as we were. We played Pokémon, and she came home to meet her brother and DH. We spoke until way after my bedtime, but I didn't care.

I look forward to many new adventures with her, her family, and our families. I feel like all that space I was holding just expanded more, and overnight, I became part of something so special.

I am truly blessed.

In knitting news, I re-charted the Laurene Shawl and have knit two more repeats. It's slow progress, but I keep showing up, and that keeps the momentum going.

Happy Crafting!

Bright Blessings,

Ruinwen

Bright Blessings to all the men and women who have fought for our country and our freedoms, past, present and future.  🙏