Sunday, September 29, 2013

Fear and Faith


"You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I found that this weekend I was struggling here and there to get some rows on the shawl in and you know what?...the shawl is done.  We blocked it last night and I think it was gorgeous.  It was soft and airy and I'm glad I could help someone out who has given so much to me by just being my friend.

So how did I manage to get so much done in such a short time when my own projects seem to lag?  Did the equinox cause some flux in my knitting that created a hole in the time space continuum long enough for me to accelerate my knitting speed this weekend?  Well in a way, yes.

I knew that my deadline was Wednesday, and I knew how many rows I needed, plus a day of blocking, in order to achieve that goal.  I knew that I had to bring it with me and knit on it during the day and during movie watching in order to achieve this goal. I did what I could here and there...and here is the truth of it that is so simple, but so hard to see when you are looking at the entirety of the project...doing something on a project every day pushes it forward; doing nothing...does well, nothing.  There can be no growth without effort on my part.

So all those projects in the drawer down in my beautiful new Craft Room are not going to grow without my help.  They are like little acorns with all the potential in the world; but without the elements of air, fire, water and earth...they are still just acorns instead of mighty oaks.

This was one of the parts of our Mabon ritual last Sunday.  It was such a blessing to have a ritual again with my family out in nature.  It has really invigorated me and helped me to feel more balanced which, helps with my sense of flow.



We also celebrated the duality in things; sun / moon, hot / cold and so on.  We each drew a mask that touched on what ever aspect of duality we wanted to expand on and the above picture is my sister's creation.  Isn't it fabulous?  We all have our aspects of creativity that run in our veins and you know where mine lies...but my sister has always been so talented with drawing. The shirt she is wearing may look familiar...it is the Vixenpath logo she designed!

While she was wearing this mask it was hard to match the voice to the face and it really helped to drive home what you see on the outside doesn't really show you what is on the inside.  I have a friend who always says, "yes" to everything and last weekend she put her foot down.  She had taken on too much and she was at her breaking point and she didn't want to let anyone down but she was afraid that if she took on one more thing she would shatter into a million pieces.

When she said, "no" everyone didn't understand since this was not the usual mask she wore...the always helpful one that suffers in silence because that is the way it has always been mask. They tried to get her to change her mind but that was not going to happen.  She needed to take some time for herself or she would not be there for anyone else; even her Doctor had told her this.

I for one, was proud of her.  I have listened to her talk about how she couldn't handle it for years now.  But even I had to look again because the face telling me the story was not the one I was used to seeing.  Her face was radiant and the dark circles under her eyes were receding as the light emerged from within her.

We all wear masks.  One of mine is my confidence mask.  When I am doing something new I usually have a panic attack even when I don't want to.  I've tried very hard to hide this fact over the years and it is just in these last few months that I have opened up to people about it.  After I lost Mom I just fell apart and all those masks that have served me well over the ages just fell away.  I lost all my defenses and the inner and the outer bled together and this is the "real" me.

When I design a pattern; I try so hard to test it.  I usually test it three times myself and then I teach a class and test it again before I even think of putting it out there.  I have also been having my sister read through for grammatical errors as well as of late.  I am so afraid of doing something wrong and having someone have a bad experience through my patterns but you know what?...all designers feel this way.  They all have testers for this reason.  They all dread a mistake...but that is life.

I can either be like a project that is never worked on that sits in a drawer and never grows or I can be like the project that I bring everywhere and grows little by little.  The first rows you really can't tell what the project will be.  But as the piece grows the fabric takes shape and you start to become excited by the way the colors play in the light.

I choose to take the next step and claim a little more of my potential.  The fact that I am a designer is not a mask; it is a truth that permeates me.  As I take these next steps there is fear but that is okay because there is faith as well.  Without the fear, I couldn't claim the faith. Without the fear I wouldn't necessarily put the care I do into my patterns.  They are dual to my nature and both are necessary for my growth.

So I give you two new patterns:

The first is my journey into brioche, one and two color knitting.




The second is my journey into linen stitch and textures with color.



I learned so much creating these two patterns.  I have been blessed to be able to create two new patterns this year and teach them as well.  This has been a powerful journey; both patterns were created while I was in different stages of loss.  I was knitting on the Beginners Brioche the day I found out Mom wasn't going to be with us much longer.  You can read about the brioche here. Frederick my linen stitch shawlette / shawl was born from the love of my parents and a book that they used to read to me.  I wrote about it here.

Here are the patterns on Ravelry; you don't need to be a member to purchase / down load them.

Beginners Brioche which is free -  download now

Frederick, new pattern priced at $2.50 -  

These are both active links that will download or send you to Pay Pal.  If you would like to look at either of their pattern pages on Ravelry; here they both are.

Beginners brioche

Frederick

So, my life is bound in those stitches, in these offerings that I am putting up on Ravelry. There is both fear and faith but that is okay since it is in my nature.

May you have the blessings of an abundant harvest,
Happy crafting,
Ruinwen
:)
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