Friday, January 29, 2010

POV



Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.
Yoda


I promised myself I would blog even if there were no eloquent words or projects to show. It is far easier to do nothing and beat myself up about it inside then to sit here and spout out pieces of my heart. But I’m done with the easy road.

So here I am.

Did you see the moon this morning so big and bright? It took my breath away. It made me start thinking about reflections and our perception of them. The moon cannot make her own light; she clothes her face in the light reflected from the sun.

We reflect what is shining from within. We can pretend to wear a happy face and smile and laugh but usually our closest friends are not swayed by this false reflection.

A reflection is just a copy of the real thing peppered by our perception of the way we see it. POV…point of view defines how we look at everything including ourselves.

It is very hard to control or change our POV. For instance, I can step on a scale and see the weight loss and put on my clothes and see the difference in fit…the bagginess where everything was once snug…and still look in the mirror and think, “I’m huge.”

Everyone else who sees me will notice and mention casually, “You’ve lost weight,” or “Wow, are you down a size.”

And I just smile and tell them how hard I’ve been working and changing everything I’m eating while inside…deep inside…my inner mirror doesn’t believe a word of it.

Have you ever searched for something for say half the day, until you are ranting and screaming and ready to pull your hair out? Me too. Then to make it even worse what you are looking for is right there in front of you. You just couldn’t see it because our eye-brain connection can only see like 30% of what is actually there. It kind of fills in the blanks with other snippets of memory at will.

My friend showed me a video of a survey where they switched the guy giving directions with another in the middle of his spiel; and 75% of the people did not know that they had talked to two different guys.

So with all this POV distortion is there any wonder that I have so much trouble actually seeing myself and not the self I’ve created or the self I think I am?

I took a peek at the scale today…even though weigh in is Sunday…and it seems I’ve lost another two pounds…that is five pounds I’ve lost. If I look with my eyes I can’t see it. Well, maybe a little…but I’ve been building a lot of muscle too and it is hard to tell which is which right now.

I really wish my POV towards myself could be like it is towards my friends. I am so overly critical of my self and I talk to myself in a very cruel way…and I’m not sure why.

There are two really loud voices in my head that are constantly at war. One I like to call “the Goddess loves me” and the other “It doesn’t matter.”

And when I look at myself in a mirror I get both sides and what I see is somewhere in the middle. It goes a little like this…”Oh that necklace really brings out your eyes”…”who cares you’re too old and fat for anyone to take a second glance”…”but look you are wearing a top that you’ve not been able to fit in for a while and it looks so nice, you should be proud”…”but look at that hair, you look like a clown.”

Yeah, it is really noisy in my head.

So what am I to do? Shifting a POV I’ve spent 40+ years perfecting is not easy. But the only way to do it is with continued effort. So today when I looked in the mirror and heard the old song and dance, I wore the necklace just because I like it and the top…told the “it doesn’t matter” voice that I’ve lost 5 pounds and I’m within points and I’ve been working out and it took 20 years to put this weight on my ass and it will take a while to take it off and I’m willing to wait. That made my critical self cringe a bit and when the voice tried to goad me again, I just agreed with him..’cuz Lordy my hair is horrible this morning so I just styled it another way and it looks fine now.

My critical voice started stomping its feet…and stammering but I couldn’t hear it anymore. One victory does not win the war but it is a start.

*hugs to you all*
Ruinwen
:)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Serenity


When I think of a way to define serenity it always comes down to water. Water can be liquid, gaseous or solid depending on the circumstances. It knows how to change form to suit the situation or its surroundings.

If an object enters its realm of influence, it flows around them and eventually settles sharing its space with the newcomer in harmony. When that object leaves the water; the space it occupied is swallowed and disappears…as if it never existed in the first place.

My goal for 2010 is to be more like water.

Last year for me was akin to a wild fire running through my being burning everything in its path until little was left. I was consumed by the events that surrounded me until I doubted my own purpose and knowledge of self.

Who’s to say why one being can take the trials and tribulations that have been piled on them with ease and another breaks under the burden of responsibility…but I broke into little pieces and I let the flames consume me until the rains came and put out the fires.

Now for the first time in so long I can see almost clearly. All the swirling chaos that surrounds me stays outside of me although it shares my space and dances through my days with me. I have learned again how to step outside of myself and see what is truly mine and what belongs to everyone else.

So I begin again to piece together the things that make me…well me. I draw them close to me and hold them dear and slowly I feel almost whole again.

My goals this year are simple and each calls in a different aspect that I have been lax to embrace.

Air – I want to create one thing that is mine…be it a poem or story, a knit pattern or a beaded necklace. I want to create one thing with joy in my heart and enjoy the process as much as the final project.

Fire – I want to be back in my skinny jeans at the end of the year…I’ve already joined Weight Watchers…again…third time is the charm right? I’ve down-loaded the app and I have been faithful for two weeks now. For two weeks before that I worked on finding a breakfast and coffee combo at Starbucks that works…’cuz I don’t have time to make breakfast or eat it before I leave the house…I’ve been doing elliptical 3 times a week and the Wii Fit Plus in between…I try to walk most days…even if it is in place for 1,000 steps at least once a day. And yes all this tracking and extra time to workout is just that…extra time that I am working into my day to form a seamless immersion. If I don’t have the points…I don’t eat it…I don’t cheat. But I find most things are doable if I plan a bit and I don’t feel like I’m suffering at all…except maybe from all that chicken flapping on the Wii…for some reason that really makes my arms ache. :)

Water – Serenity in every aspect of my life. Last year my husband and I embraced financial serenity. We have been working towards no commercial debt and we are almost there. Last year we had to buy a very expensive new heat pump and it drained our emergency funds and since we had to pay up front the rest went on the card. But that is okay. The amazing thing was that we were able to do it. Now we are building up the emergency fund again and working on paying off the balance…but I feel like a milestone has been reached and that feels really good.

Earth – this one I’m bad at…Go to all the doctors and dentists and appointments I’ve been putting off.

Spirit – Do things that make me smile. Last year I did so many things that I had to do that were difficult and made me hurt inside. So this year I want to try and sprinkle the stuff that “has to be done” with the stuff I really enjoy doing. So far I’ve identified what these nuggets are and I’m trying to embrace them as much as I can.

Not an impossible list…but each one will take a little time and a little doing. If I can take a breath and think like water…I think each one is possible.

I thank all of you that checked in on me from time to time and tried to cheer me up. You all are so important to me and I’ve missed writing this blog…but the words for so long wouldn’t come. Even now I struggle with phrases that flowed off my fingers before…but baby steps…

Hugs to all of you and yours.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)