“Just as the tumultuous chaos of a thunderstorm brings a nurturing rain that allows life to flourish, so too in human affairs times of advancement are preceded by times of disorder. Success comes to those who can weather the storm.”-- I Ching No. 3
I know I’ve been quiet and far away from blog land and I’ve missed everyone. Life, as it is, has been as of late has been difficult. The spaces that I used to breathe in seem few and far between. It just seems so hard to get it all in.
Sometimes I just feel so trapped by all the things I cannot change. And I know that this trapping is in my head. So instead of focusing my energy into things that I cannot control, I have been working on me. I’m trying to unlearn everything and it is a slow process.
Being a caregiver is not so easy when its someone you love. I used to enjoy being a candy striper and helping people. I designed a garden so that the residents could enjoy the beauty of the flowers and plants. I would sit and learn to crochet dishcloths that they would then sell to earn money for charity.
How I pictured moving Mom up here to assisted living is very different from reality. I was hoping it would give us more time to get to know one another. I never dreamed of how panicked and frightened she would become. I didn’t realize that I would become the adult and she would become the child. How could I have fathomed these daily calls of her discontent would rip my heart out?
It seems everyone is going through this with their parents and everyone has advice. See her less get her to assert her independence. She went on suicide watch. Lay down the law and use tough love. She didn’t stop crying for days. Ignore it and make a joke. She doesn’t get them and it only upsets her more.
So what to do? I just do my best. I try and address her needs without letting her guilt me into feeling that her hating assisted living is my fault. And that is hard to do. I try to get her to enjoy life which, she avoids as much as possible. And it hurts.
I love her so much and it truly is painful to see her so unhappy. I try and address her every need and I see her four times a week plus the whole family comes once a week too. I wash her laundry so it doesn’t have harsh chemicals. I do everything I can to make it easier for her. But it is never enough and it tears on me horribly.
Today is my beloved Mother’s birthday and my parent’s anniversary. Please send her and my wonderful Father good thoughts today. We may have had our ups and downs over the years but I have always thought myself fortunate to have such loving and caring parents.
I am also incredibly blessed that I have such a wonderful DH. He has helped to take Mom hither and yon. He is always there to uplift and support me and insists that I do things for myself and take time outs when I need to. He is amazing in so many ways…even after 11 years just thinking of him makes me smile! :)
My sis has been great too. She helps with shopping and other weekly tasks. It is great that we can share the responsibilities and make it easier on each other. It is great that there is someone just as weird as I am in this world…so when I break out into song my sis is right there with the harmony. :)
And all of you…you all mean so much to me. I still can’t just erase all those RSS feeds since they are your life stories while I’ve been away. I thank everyone for your words of comfort and support and even if sometimes it seems that I’m ignoring you…I’m not. You all are the best and I love you all! :)
My son just turned 7! He had a few things that he wanted me to share. First, this is the moth that he raised from a caterpillar. Both of his insects survived this year and he was so proud. Soon he will be raising painted lady butterflies and he is so excited!
He had an archeological dig for his birthday. All the kids really enjoyed themselves…including the bigger ones *grin*. After unearthing the bones the kids built them into models. It was a really fun and educational project.
Finally, this is what I have knit in all this time. A wonderfully fun scarf which can be found here. It is for the Ball of Yarn Blog. I’m so happy I was able to finish something. The minute I cast this beauty on I was awed by the way the stitches look and it was love at first sight. So much so that I have cast on another in some yummy green merino from MD S and W.
I am also working on WIPs…hoping to finish something but not stressing about it.
I’m really not sure where I am going or what my goals right now are. I just want to be a good wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend to all who are dear to me. I want to eat mostly healthy meals with correct portion sizes. I want to maintain my weight and health. I want to get at least 8 hours of sleep every night. But mostly I want to enjoy life with those I love.
Have a wonderful day!
Ruinwen
:)
12 comments:
Thanks for taking the time to post. I'm so sorry life is throwing you some major curve balls. *virtual hugs*
Sending good thoughts to you and your family. :)
Blessings and Peace to you and yours. :)
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers...
Ah. Dear.
How do you survive it? The old saw, "One Day at a Time," (sometimes it's one hour...)
I'm so sorry. I'll keep you in my prayers.
I'm so glad you have your DH and Sis, too!
(((((((Hugs)))))))
http://theballofyarn.blogspot.com/2008/08/mount-airy-maryland-usa.html
Here you are, my lovely lady, your Ball of Yarn Project post. :-D Thank you so much for participating and being your wonderful self.
Oh Ruinwen, it is SO good to read a post here. I am sorry that things are so tough right now. I had 6 LONG YEARS of my mom's illness and caregiving to the point of me almost being dead. I feel for you, I really really do. And I KNOW with all my heart what you are going through. It will get easier, things will get better. In the meantime, do the best you can, take breaks without any guilt or excuses, for yourself and LOVE your mom with all your heart, now. When she passes on, the void will be so hard to bear. Been there, done that. Hugs dear Ruinwen, keep in touch and stop by when you can.
G
I love you, Sis. I wanted to ask what was going on but felt at the time, a strong urge to let you come out and say whatever it was on your own time.
I can only imagine the struggles you go through and I totally feel for you. The curveballs life throws at us arent much fun 90% of the time.
You are one of the strongest women I know and I am proud to call you my friend and sister. You make me smile and feel good about myself. You have been a ray of sunshine when I needed it most. You are a good person with a heart of solid gold.
You keep being you through all of this, that way you wont have any regrets. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers daily and I wish you a day of Ruinwen!
God Bless You!!
Oh, Ruinwen.. I know how hard this has to be for you. A year ago, it was me taking care of Mom. After she fell, breaking her elbow & fracturing her pelvis, she had to be in a nursing home for a little over three weeks and she *hated* it. We were fortunate in that the social worker from the hospital held her an extra day there to get her into the home that's two blocks from our house. I was there three times a day at meals and often a fourth time as I knew the afternoon hours were long. She couldn't understand why I could stay with her all the time like I did in the hospital. We were finally able to bring her home to her house and I lived with her for the remaining weeks of her life. It was rough, but I never regreted one moment that I was able to spend with her.. I've been through this so if there's any way I can help, please let me know.. {{{{HUGS}}}}}
Congrats (though belated) to your son. 7 is quite an age :-)
I'm sorry to hear though that life has been rough on you. Still I think that what you are doing is the best. But keep one thing in mind... do take care of yourself. We'll keep you and your family in our prayers!
It is good to see you posting :-)
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. It's so hard when where they want to be and where they need to be are two entirely different places. I'm going through that on a lesser scale with my mom but it is being resolved and she is now happier.
I hold you and your family in my thoughts.
I will not offer any advice, but just hold you in my thoughts. I was there over a decade ago, trying to raise my children alone while my parents suddenly aged way too fast for their years and the demands were incredible. You have a strong sense of intuition and what you are doing is the best you can do right now.
Please pass along to your son that the moth is totally awesome... and blessings to you for raising a child who would see the compassion in that act at age 7.
I just wanted you to know that I totally understand that you haven't been able to focus on the Pay It Forward Exchange the past weeks or months. I don't expect you to be inhumanly strong, so don't let that exchange become another weight on your shoulders.
Focus on your mother and father instead, and the people that you actually love and care about, and when you feel strong enough you can focus on the PIF Exchange and people you might not even now instead.
Good luck with everything, I'll be thinking of you! *Hugs*
Post a Comment