I can't think of a title...so I'm going to make hummus...

I started off the week with a FO (finished object).  This is a shawl that has a lot of meaning to me. I made it for the first time for my Mom as a prayer shawl and I blogged about that here.  It was ruined here.  And I made a new one here.  I still have the brown one down in my knitting room.

I believe in prayer shawls.  I believe that when we craft, we not only put a bit of ourselves into everything but we can put our energy as well.  I made this for a woman who took time to talk to me about my Mom and Dad and her Mom and the things we have to face when we are letting them go. I cried and she cried and we both admitted one thing: in the end, it is all about love.

I know the last thing I said to both my parents was, "I love you."  I never leave a conversation with someone I care about without saying that.  If I am with them, I always give them a hug.  I hug everyone that I care about, I think it is important to leave someone with a little love and light.

A prayer shawl is like a hug that you wear.  When our knitting group makes blankets for the assisted living, the residents love that these blankets were made for them.  They use them all the time and talk about them.

Little things really can make a difference.  Kindness does matter.

****************

I normally don't share things like this.  But this touched me deeply.  It is hard to watch without feeling some sort of overwhelming emotion.

My Mom had dementia her Mom had Alzheimer's.  My Mom was very confused on and off in the last few years of her life.  She would forget things like how to turn on a light or even her beloved TV. Thank the Goddess she always remembered us.  I send blessings of love and light to all those people who are faced with people they love forgetting who they are.  You are angels filled with love and compassion.

The experiment really opened up a window on the things that we cannot see.  My prayers go out to all the families struggling with this horrible disease.

****************

I cast on something new this week, but it is a secret for now.  Unfortunately, that doesn't give me much to talk about on the knitting front.  lol

I sent Caitlin off for her photoshoot and I'm so excited to see the pics!

Oh, and this:

I am going to be making some things to sell and see how it goes.  You'll be seeing FO's in the weeks to come after I finish the secret thing.  That is Knitpicks Brava Bulky yarn and it is really soft and has bright and pretty colors.

*************

On a totally different note...I've been looking for hummus without lemon for a while now and I couldn't find any so I made my own.

I have a recipe that I've tweaked over the years with little adds to make it yummy for me so it may be way too strong for you if you don't like garlic.  This hummus is perfect to help ward off anything if you have been around too many sick people or vampires for that matter.  lol

Ingredients
15 oz chick peas/garbanzo beans
1/4 cup tahini

(tahini can cause a reaction if you have a peanut allergy; so please omit it if you are allergic)

2 tbs of olive oil
a head of garlic cloves with the skins removed (use less if you don't like a lot of garlic)
1/2 cup roasted red pepper (roasting really brings out the flavor)
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp chili powder

(you can make a delightful little chili powder with the heat and chilies you like by taking dried chilies and heating them to get the moisture out, and then pulverizing them when they are crisp - but don't do what I did and lean over to take in how good the cooking chilies smelled and basically pepper-sprayed myself in the face.  I was totally blind trying to find milk.  I ran outside screaming for help and then couldn't find the door again...so be careful with the chili powder concocting...it can be really dangerous.)

...but I digress...

Emeril says to take the garlic and the salt and combine them to cure the garlic a bit; so I put those in first and blend them into a bit of a paste before I add in the roasted red pepper.  This way the garlic permeates into every bit of the hummus.

Then, I add in the cumin and chili powder and blend that into my paste.  Next add the tahini, pulse for a bit and then add the garbanzo beans / chick peas and slowly drizzle in the oil as you pulse.  When the whole thing is blended you can let it sit over-night to deepen the flavors or just enjoy it on anything right now.  I like to eat it on yellow or orange pepper sticks or high grain crackers. Sometimes I will put it on my salad as a dressing.

If it is too thick you can add a little water a tsp at a time - more oil just makes it more oily IMHO

Yum!  Can you smell the garlicky goodness?  Hummus is super good for you, especially with the red peppers and garlic!

And hummus is not just healthy snack food.  You can:

• take veggie curls and stuff them with hummus
• use it as a spread on sandwiches or wraps
• coat meat in it before putting it on the grill; it will come out moist and tender
• make a cold pasta salad with it as the dressing
• make a warm pasta salad with it as the sauce
• use it as a dressing on a salad

*************************

Happy crafting,
Hugs!
Ruinwen
:)

NOTE:  The prayer shawl is made in Dark Horse, Fantasy Multi #FA-36.  I love this yarn for softness and it really shows the stitches nicely.

Also, we've been updating the side bar.  Wow!  Things were really out of date over there.  We still have a blog feed app to add...we are looking at different ones right now.  Hope you like the changes. Hugs!

No Regrets

"The road this past year has not been an easy one, but you can stand back and take a look at how far you have come and be very proud of yourself.  I have watched you as you faced up to adversity and started to take charge of your life, and I am very proud of you.  When I say, "I love you," it doesn't begin to express how much I do truly care for you, worry about you, and take pride in the things you do."

Daddy 1996

These last few weeks I have been trying to clean up loose ends and organize the house.  The bathroom is done!  I love it!  It came out better then we could have hoped and we thank everyone involved.

I didn't knit this week or last week for that matter.

I wrote up a pattern and a class and then had to rest because my eye strain was horrible.

Then I worked on taxes with my DH.  We've got that down to a science now more or less and it only took a few hours.  I just need to double-check it again and then I can cross that off my rather long list.

The ice did a number on our chimney so that is in the process of being fixed.  At least it isn't leaking water right now.  The yard will finally get cleaned up this weekend while we take advantage of the sunshine.  It looks like a war zone with all the branches down from the storm.  Yeah, I know that storm was months ago but this week is the first week we've had sun and not rain or snow for such a long time.  It is hard to believe that it snowed two weeks ago.  But spring is finally here.

I made my Dr. appointments.  No cavities for me or my son and my eyes get checked again next week.

But mostly these last few weeks I've been dealing with "me".

This is the first year without Mom or Dad and I really missed Dad not singing to me on my birthday or Mom calling me at 1:04 PM (the time she delivered me) to wish me a beautiful day...and for some reason, it hit me rather hard that they were gone.  And that must sound kinda silly since it has been a year and all...two for Dad...but to me, it was like some revelation.

If I tell you I talk to my parents all the time you might say, "Well that is normal and good and all." But if I told you that they talk back you might think I'm a bit nuts.  But regardless of what you think, I have heard my Mother say over and over to me, "No regrets."

My Mother worried about everything.

I used to worry that I was a failure and that my parents would never be proud of me.  As usual, these things are based on a kernel of truth that has been magnified by our thoughts until we believe that truth, when in fact it may or may not be true at all.

Let's face it I was not my sister.  I lost homework on a regular basis and missed stuff on the board all the time because I hated wearing my glasses and being called four-eyes.  There were times I would skip school to bask in the sun at Great Falls but I didn't skip a lot.  I lied to cover my tracks and got so lost in my lies that I didn't know what my truth was.  I liked to party when I finally got some friends and made some bad choices there.  And that was High School.

My sister was a straight-A honor roll student who was like day to my night.  I was always comparing myself to her because I thought that's what my Dad wanted of me.

I moved out of the house too soon and had money troubles for about 10 years while my sister saved and was again the "responsible one" my father wanted me to aspire to be.

Please don't get me wrong.  I have always admired my sister for her accomplishments and would brag to my friends how amazing she was and is.  I love my sister and I always have.  This was never about her it was about me.

I was a hot mess and most if not everything Dad said was true and if I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now I would have "buckled down" and done my homework and really tried harder this time.  But I can't go back, only forward.  And years later I would get my ND after much grueling homework, study and a thesis I was really proud of, with straight As all across the board.  And you know what?  My Father was so proud of me but I didn't see it.  I was still that struggling teenager trying to make my Daddy proud and I couldn't see that he was.

Through the years as I got married and had a child he would tell me over and over how proud Mom and Dad were of me but it just didn't register.

But this week as I reread a letter that he left in my personal file that he never sent me and I finally got it.  I'm not that teenager anymore.  I am responsible, organized, compassionate and a bunch of other things.  I turned all that money trouble around and I am now living commercial debt - except for the house - free.  I have been saving for my son since the day he was born.

I'm not judging my life by holding it up to my sister's or anyone else for that matter.  My husband and I built our lives on love and we never much cared about money as long as we had each other and enough to get by it was fine.  We have both grown as individuals as much as we have grown closer together and to me, that is what being prosperous truly is.

What I realized this week is that my parents were proud of the person that I have become.  They have always been proud of me and it was my clouded view of myself that made it seem otherwise.  I know they always loved me and wanted what was best for me.  I know that even in darkest hours they were always there for me.

The last thing I said to both my parents was, "I love you."

I have no regrets.  They knew I loved them and I know they loved me.  Just as I know that I can't go back in time and change who I was except by being a better person in the "now".

No regrets.

But I miss them fiercely, which is how things should be.

Hug your loved ones for me,
Ruinwen
:)

Inner Connections

Another snowstorm this week shut everything down and we had another Monday at home.  I finished my squares for the week in between shoveling.  Yay!  Another block is done.  2 to go!

In July of 2011 I put the projects that had yarn together with their patterns in Ziploc bags.  This week I took out one of those patterns; the Tourniquet Scarf.  Two of my dear friends had bought this for me with enough Cascade to do the project.  It is mostly ribbing with a little duplicate stitch running down a few staggered rows.  What a fun little knit and a great neck warmer as well.

My LYS really liked La Donna and my outline for a beginners lace class.  Yay!  I love lace and I can't wait to share the knowledge that I've gleaned over the years.  I know this will be a great class! And as a bonus...my wonderful sister is finally going to learn to YO!  I am so excited to have her taking the class because I truly am blessed by any time that we spend together.  :)

I didn't want to insert a picture of my sis without her permission, so imagine one of my favorites; she is holding my son on his birthday and he is giving her a hug.  There is love on his face and you can see how important she is to him and conversely there is a big smile on her face that reflects how much she loves him back.

We were watching something with some friends and my son and one of their kids said, "People just don't do that; break into song."  My son turned around and said, "Yes they do.  We do it all the time at our house." And it is true.  Especially me and my sis; we have this deep wonderful connection that is such a blessing to me.

My Mother and her sister didn't really ever get along and that may be an understatement.   My BIL and my DH don't have a thing in common and never do anything together.  I didn't want my Sis and I to be like that...ever.  I think losing our parents has only brought us closer as facing tragedy hand-in-hand can only do. But I can't really remember a time that I didn't love my sister with all my heart; even though I know the High School years when I found boys was a little rough.  But even then, we created a newspaper together about stuff going on.  I still have some of them.  Later on, I would go all the way to get her from school so she could spend time with us on the weekends.

I spent my life admiring her for how brilliant she is and I have always been awed by her creativity. Her attention to detail and ability to work on tiny little things always puts me in a state of awe.  She has a big heart and is fiercely loyal to her friends and family.  She has a soft and gooey center for my son and she and he have a special beautiful friendship.  When she can't make it for our Sunday visit or monthly sleepover; she is missed by all of us...I think even the cats wonder where she is.

So when I look at what I've lost, it only accentuates the blessings I have.  But then I can see my Mother in my Sister.  Her creativity is a reflection of not only my Mom but all the women on that side of the family.  I can't tell you the relief when I visited my Ohio relatives and found my Aunt in a room surrounded by yarn and exclaimed, "Thank you, Goddess, I 'm not the only one!"  Crafting, creating is in our blood and if I look at myself with an unbiased eye, I can see that I too am a reflection of that creative spirit that runs in our family.

I see my Father in my son.  My Dad loved nature and nurtured the creatures in it whenever he could. If a bird had frozen its talons on a clothesline he would hold it until it warmed up enough to be free. He took creatures outside whenever he could.  He taught me the language of birds and they would come to the window to try and catch a glimpse of their new friend.  My Dad had a big heart, you had to know him to see it, but he was someone with a big and generous heart.  While he was more reserved about it, my son is outwardly kind.  People tell me that he resembles my simpatico (Italian for sympathetic) so I guess that means I am a reflection of Dad as well.

These are actual flowers in our yard that decided to bloom between the storms.

With Spring here officially...I'm not sure I believe it...that means it is the anniversary of our parents crossing over to the other side.  By recognizing Mom and Dad in those that I love; I have found them within myself as well, and that is truly a beautiful blessing.  :)

A Springtime blessing is my wedding anniversary.  It will be 18 years this year that I have been blessed and honored to be with such a wonderful man.  I am so thankful for every gesture that he grants me; from the coffee in my cup every morning to retiring into his arms at night.  I truly love him more each day.  (It won't let me insert a heart here because it breaks the html code - so imagine one please)

I'm not sure what happened with all that snow and ice, but somewhere along the line, I stopped worrying about how I was seeing the world and turned that gaze within...I started to see the world and the people I love and admire in reflected in myself.  :)

On the health front, I got one of those Jawbone Up bracelets.  It tracks my sleep and activity.  It tells me when I have been idle too long and I can track my daily food intake on it.  I love it.  I got one for DH too and my Sis already had one.  This way I can see the reality of what I am eating, how many steps I am getting and my sleep all in one place.  I started out with 3,000 steps and sadly I had to run around the house a bit to get up to that number.

This job is mostly sitting and if it wasn't for the dog forcing me to get up and let him out sometimes I wouldn't move for hours.  That is why I love my little idle nudge.  I can get up and do some filing or something that isn't sitting for a bit.  Little steps create lasting health.  Oh, it was a relief to know that typing and knitting do not add steps.  Maybe if I was a picker, but as an English thrower, the movement in my left hand is negligible to the step counter.

Oh, the Ziploc VersaGlass has worked out better then I thought it would.  Some people say theirs leaks; mine doesn't.  In fact the lid is so tight that I did have a bit of trouble getting it off.  Maybe with a lot of use, that lid might become looser and then it might leak, but right now it holds liquids in tight. You can put it without a lid in the oven (400F) or microwave and with a lid in the freezer and fridge. It is dishwasher safe and made out of pretty nice glass IMHO.

It is hard to be healthy; it takes time and constant work.  Something you may think is good for you one week is found to be dangerous in the next.  All one can ever do is the best they can with what they have.

I hope that even if there is snow where you are that the spirit of Spring blesses you with rebirth and renewal.

Happy crafting,
Ruinwen
:)

A Day With Mom

Monday was Veteran's Day here in the US and it is the only holiday I get by myself.  I really had some good intentions when I started the day.  I put in a load of laundry and filed some papers.  I knit for four hours before I realized that fighting the kitten over my needles was a losing battle that I just didn't want to fight.

And then I just decided to chill.  I didn't need to be productive because I had a day off.  I had been productive and gotten a bunch of little things done and it was time for me to just enjoy the day.

I put on SALT because I love action/suspense movies like that; something I may have gotten from Mom. She would have really liked SALT.  The woman was kick-ass and not to spoil anything for someone who hasn't seen it but there is quite a bit of intrigue as you try to figure out just whose side she is on.

Mom was always watching movies.  She taught us to look behind the words and see the meanings. Being so smart she picked up on tells in an actor's behavior and things that didn't fit in the background.

Which is why I then watched The Tourist.  It was like Mom was sitting across from me and filling in little details about Venice as we watched.  Italy was one of her most favorite places in the world; she went there when she was younger and it really touched her soul.  Once, we planned a trip there for a school project. We had every day planned out with all the places she wanted to return to and share with me.  I had hoped one day to take her on that trip, but I never had the money and then arthritis made it harder and harder for her to travel.

I must admit I talked to her during the whole movie about how beautiful the marble walls were or the splendor of azure waters.  I talked to her about tells and plots and for the span of the movie she was there with me...more so than most times.

It was a really nice day and I was glad Mom could be there to share it with me.

Hugs!

Ruinwen

:)

The Fullness of Time

“No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”

-- Source Unknown

I've had this dream for a while now of having a room for my yarn, patterns, books and everything knitting related.  When dreams come into being it is an amazing thing.  

It will take me a while to get it all organized in these bins but wow!  I can't believe how neat and orderly everything has become.  

My mind has been as cluttered as my yarn lately with moving everything into one room to do the floors.  But now as I start to weave spaces into my house as things are put in their places; I feel much freer...airier even.

It really is no surprise how much yarn I've accumulated over the years.  I never seem to have the right fiber for the project I am on so I had to buy more.  Really...

I'm feeling the itch to design something...but it hasn't gelled into an idea yet. Usually, I dream about a project and then it consumes me for a while.  I'm open and ready.  There is more space to let the ideas in and I love to create new things.

Lately, I've felt this shift within my being that allows the day to flow from one thing to the next in this harmonious way.  There actually seems to be more time to do things; when in fact it is my perception of time that has changed.  I think this happens when my stress dissipates.  it is such a rare occurrence that it seems strange to me.

But since Florida, it is strange to me to feel stressed.  Everything changed on vacation and I have not lost the serenity that apparently hopped into my carry-on and followed me home.

I used to laugh when I would ask spirit for a time frame and all I would hear was "in the fullness of time."  I know what that means now for time is full and fruitful and you can flow with it or fight it.  You can be thankful for the things you were able to do and allow the things that are not yet done to be for another day...or you can fret about all the would haves, should haves and if onlys.

It is almost like I found out this amazing secret that was all around me all these years but I am just seeing it for the first time with new eyes.

So I'm not just going to shove all my yarn onto shelving; I'm going to take time to savor it and maybe I'll remember some of the reasons I bought it in the first place.  Maybe it will take me back to a time that I spent with a special friend or a wonderful class.  

Instead of thinking about all the projects I haven't started...or finished...I will reminisce on the journey that I have taken and each project and skein will be used...in the fullness of time.

Not much to show you right now.  I'm still working on the Pointelle Scarf for my sister.  This has been a tough knit for me.  I originally was making one for my sister and one for me in the colors of spring and cherry blossoms.  My goal was to have them to wear through the tough times in Mom's illness.

Cherry trees used to line the streets of our childhood home and it would look like heaven for a while...it is a cherished memory for both of us.

But a week after I got the yarn, Mom passed away and then I was going to try and hurry and make them both for the funeral but I just couldn't knit.  I really wanted to but I kept making errors and ripping back and I finally just gave up.

I've knit this scarf on and off now for a while.  I'm back into the knitting groove again but I'm trying to keep with the flow of my day as well so the other little things get balanced in there.  My thought on this is it is better to do one repeat a day than to wait for time to knit.  If I do just one repeat a day then the scarf will grow by almost an 1" each day; that is 7 inches a week.  That means that if I can do a repeat each day I should have this done by the end of October at the earliest.  If I bring it to Knit Night, I can whip out a foot or so...if I'm not talking all night.  That will bring my day count down considerably.

My goal is to have both of them done by the time we take Mom's ashes to Hawaii.  Speaking of Hawaii: have I shown you the Guest Room yet?  I got these awesome prints and the whole room just radiates with calming vibes.  I still have to put the net over the drop ceiling and fill it with shells...but the light needs to be fixed...replaced? first.  I really adore this room.  I hope it blesses all who sleep there with that feeling I had in the middle of my vacation where I no longer felt stressed...at...all.

Happy Crafting,
Ruinwen
:)

Where Did the Summer Go?

“I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.” 

― J.R.R. Tolkien

Everyone is different and my grieving experience is going to be totally different from yours.  This summer I tried to start celebrating life more and that's what I've been doing.

Here is Dad's Memorial flag, medals and patches.  I love this box so much.  It fit the flag perfectly, which is what it is supposed to do.  But it made me all kinds of happy.  :)

This year I did something that I have not done in six years, I left my home and went on a real vacation.  We toured Lego Land and then chillaxed at Ormond Beach in Florida and it was the best vacay ever!

Lego Land was indescribably amazing!  There were Lego critters hiding behind every bush, in trees and amid the flora and fauna.   The park was full of things to do and see and everyone found something to enjoy.  They even had allergen-free food fare so I was able to eat.  And the food was delish.  Fresh spit-turned chicken and zucchini and squash with potatoes all cooked in oil, not butter.  We took two days so the second day we could spend getting soaked in the water park which is separate from the main park.  Boy did I get wet...yep totally drenched.  But it was a welcome thing to be wet in the hot Florida sun so I didn't complain.  I had put my entire purse into plastic bags so everything was safe even when I went in the wave pool.  There were places to build and play.  It is built on top of the old Cypress Gardens so the gardens are still there and they are just lovely.  There is an old banyan tree which has the most beautiful energy surrounding it.  Lego Land had something for everyone and we all came away tired but extremely happy.

Next was relaxing at Ormond Beach where we stayed at the almost tropical resort The Lotus Boutique.  This hotel was just beautiful.  Our room faced the ocean and was steps away from the hot tub, fire-pit, cabanas, and pool area.  We stayed there for 8 days and I was so relaxed by Wednesday that my stress all started to melt away.

I confided in my sister about my terrible panic attacks and other things that I was afraid that she would think less of me for and you know what?  Since I have the best sister in the world she loved me all the more for opening up to her and letting her know so she can understand me better during those times I'm making no sense.  Love my siiiiiiister!  :)

It's always ourselves that we find at the sea.  E. E. Cummings

I dragged knitting and stuff across the US to do when I came here and relaxed.  But in relaxing I realized that I wanted to be with my family and nature and enjoy the ocean.  I love the ocean, I always have.  But this trip was different.  Maybe my eyes were open in a way they haven't been before but I felt at one with nature.  The ghost crabs scuttled along the shoreline if one knew where to look; I could have watched them for hours for no reason at all.  A dolphin swam along the sandbar scooping up fish right new to the shore.  Those fish were a silver ribbon as they danced around us in the water.  Pelicans flew in formation and then dove for fish right by us as we bobbed up and down in the surf.  The sea was alive and it spilled into me and refreshed me in a way that nothing else could have.

It was such a glorious vacation but all things must end and when we got back we had a super surprise waiting for us.  My BIL and his kids who have been there for around eight years had moved out.  I was so happy that we could provide the stepping stone that he needed to get his life back on track but it was glorious to have our house back too.  :)

A lot of time has been focused on the house.  We had it painted in color.  My husband and I love color and we picked our hues very carefully for meaning and feeling.  If we had our way there would be no white, no cream, no ecru anywhere in the house.  So getting the entire Basement painted with all the hallways and rooms was such a huge blessing for us.  Next came the floors.  The Basement still had carpet and carpet, in my opinion, is much harder to clean than hardwood. We all have allergies and if we had our way the whole house would be hardwood.  

I love my new Basement!  The Guest Room is a reflection of the ocean and has pictures of Hawaii on the aqua walls.  Eventually, it will have a net over the drop ceiling filled with shells and starfish.  I even got a porthole cling that looks out on an oasis.  This means that my sister can have a safe and dark place to sleep when she comes over and I won't end up on the couch!  Yay!  It also means that my Nana and Pop Pop have a room to stay in as well when they come to visit.  We still need to get a futon or something so they both can come; but hey, this is a work in progress.  

My son is creating a Lego room.  This means all the Legos that are bursting out of his room now have a home.  I know that all of us are happy about that!  Hopefully, this will also allow him a place to film his stop-motion videos that he has been wanting to create.  It will be great to get all of his Legos in one place and I think a bit scary to see how much he actually owns.

Note: this is not all my yarn; this is not even a fourth of my yarn.  lol
But speaking of scary...all my yarn in one room.  Eeek!  I am so happy I will have a Knitting room to store and create in.  I have been gathering skeins, and balls, hanks and cakes from all over the house to be lovingly placed on the easy-hang we will buy this weekend.  I really want to organize everything as I go so that I don't loose stuff.  I need to update my Ravelry stash page since everything is moving too...that will take time.   But it is all happy time and the work makes me smile.  

Everything really has been making me smile.  Having a place for pans or organizing shelves.  Finding something I haven't seen in a while.  It all make me smile.  I love the floors and walls and the other day we had friends over in our Basement and played Catan and it was the happiest moment since in the past just walking in our Basement was an accomplishment.

I think it will take a year to clean up everything...let's not talk about Mom and Dad's stuff in the Garage...but it is a happy thing to make space and let the house breathe again.  :)

I have been knitting but it has been mostly on prayer shawls and this is really all I have to show for all that knitting.  The recipients of the shawls have all loved them though and that is what is really important.

Next week is Knitter's Day Out and I am excited and scared all rolled into one.  My wonderful sister is going with me for moral support and I am so thankful for that.  I know my stuff...I just need to get over these inconvenient fears that crop up.  But when I talk to teachers we all have them because it is a human thing.  So c'est le vie and all that.  I am blessed to have this opportunity to teach and I am honored to be there with such great knitters and teachers.  

So I don't have a bunch of summer knitting or projects to show but I am relaxed and happy and blessed in so many ways that it seems a great trade off.

Have a Happy and Safe Labor Day!
Ruinwen
:)

Acceptance

One of my favorite designers for children's knit-wear is Pixie Purls.  I have watched her grow as a knitter through her blog and I love her patterns.  They are well written and presented in a lovely format; not to mention they are usually graced by her adorable kids! 

When my son said his teacher was having a baby I reached for one of my favorite gift items Country Kiddie. This is a quick knit that is just adorable.  I made this up in a few days and since most of it is knit, it makes a lovely travel project that you don't have to worry about where you are in the pattern.

The yarn I used was Simplicity by Hikoo.  I love the way the colors flow in this yarn.  The top part is #511 Woody Turquoise and the bottom is #512 Still Waters.  The feel of this yarn is really nice and it holds stitch definition really well.  The colors are vivid and bright and slowly meld into each other so there are no jagged stripe lines.  Plus, this is a super-wash blend which, is perfect for infant wear IMHO.  I needed two balls and I didn't have matching color-ways so I blended the blues and greens and hoped for the best.  I adore the result; that bright blue is in both color-ways and it really ties them together.  This is a cute top-down summer top that can provide a layer of warmth or just add spice to any babies wardrobe.

It was nice to finish something.  I feel like I'm all over the place with everything and I just can't get focused.  I think this is what grieving feels like.  When Dad died there was Mom to take care of and I focused all my energy into that.  I took care of the bills, appointments and paperwork that some days reduced me to tears.  Every time I wrote a check this feeling of losing Dad hit me and I cried...every time.  I fielded calls and made decisions that hopefully were in Mom's best interest.  Goodness knows I tried to make sure her needs were met and mostly that she knew that we were there and loved her very much.

Now the job is done and the woman I was caring for is gone and that is hitting me hard.  With this back-lash of emotion is more grief over Dad being gone as well.  I'm ordering a flag holder...I have been saying this since I was given the flag at his funeral.  I finally found one I liked that I can put his fruit salad (medals) below the flag and it will be really nice.

That's how my mind is working...no real focus on any one thing.  Sometimes I have to talk myself into things.  I was putting away clothes the other day when I saw the flag sitting there and looked at the wall with all my family and I just became so tired; I had to remind myself that doing the laundry blesses the family, which, blesses me in turn.

At my core, I believe that I am blessed.  When I was pretty young I cut out a saying and put it on our fridge at home, "Be happy you have a house to do chores around."

We once sponsored a child who was happy to have a tin roof.  She felt like royalty because all the animals could stay dry with her family during the rainy season.  A tsunami destroyed her village; thank the Goddess she survived.  All she had was the clothes on her back.  The tsunami had come so quickly and there were no alerts where she lived to tell her to evacuate.

I think about these things when I fold my clothes because we are all connected.  I have outfits for every day of the week and then some and others have one outfit to their name.  This doesn't make me better than anyone or richer or whatever status label the media might want to give me.  It does make me feel blessed to have choices and colors and different textures to wear.

I know that I am blessed in so many ways.  When you flip that coin there is a great gaping hole in me that makes it hard to focus on the good because all I can feel is the loss.  Hospice kept calling me and wanted me to come in for counseling; and I finally talked to someone.  I'm not really sure why, but I thought it couldn't hurt.  If you look at things Mom hasn't even been gone for two months so I think I'm doing really well with the whole grieving thing.

My counselor told me that I really haven't grieved which, I guess this post kinda sums up in a way.  He told me to take time to grieve, to cry and let all that stuff that I keep in me out and take time to live and celebrate life...like a vacation.  So, I am doing both as well as making another appointment to talk to him again.

On Wednesday, my spiritual bath night, I took time to sit with Mom and Dad and talk to them and without me really trying the tears started to fall and I cried for a while.  I know that grieving is different for everyone, but these tears felt different than the "missing you" tears that I shed during the funeral weeks.

I'm going to try and do this each week and I guess I will know when I am done when the tears stop falling.  But I think I will make a weekly check-in with my parents as a new kind of ritual.  After I do my weekly reading I will just sit and talk with them for a while.

I talk to them all the time about everything.  But maybe with a purpose behind it, this can be something bigger?  I don't know.  I'm just trying to make sense of my feelings, which is not so easy right now.

And while I have moments of inertia where I just want to do nothing; that is pretty normal for me.  If you look at my WIPs and list of patterns I want to finish...they are quite extensive...but life keeps getting in the way and then there is a new class that needs prep for or a deadline I have to meet.  So, I'm not beating myself up about anything.  Everything always gets done in the fullness of time if it is meant to be.

But the vacation is booked and that is a load off.  Thank you to my wonderful friend who helped me through this maze of hotels...rental cars...amusement parks...oceans and airlines.  You really gave me a beautiful gift when I needed it most.  Hugs!

So at the beginning of the week I was scattered and tearful but now the skies are the ones with tears and I feel cleansed and ready to focus on my life again.  I have a bit of catching up to do but I'm the daughter of a Mother who sewed her dress on the way to her wedding,  so you know that I can do something as simple as knock out a pattern and a few WIPS.  :)

Love to you all,
May your days be full of happy moments,
Ruinwen
:)

Frederick

Mastery does not come from dabbling.  We have to be prepared to pay the price.  We need to have the sustained enthusiasm that motivates us to give our best.
- Eknath Easwaran

I have been obsessed in trying to figure something out.  Every day I have my swatches, charts and notes out and every day I am defeated by math and the universe.  But I don't give up.  Usually after a week of watching me try and fail my hubby will step in with some great ideas.  If Friday rolls around and I still don't have an answer then I'll ask the knitting girls for some input.  If all else fails; I close my eyes, quiet my soul and pray.

Sometimes it seems that these obsessions of mine are a hindrance, but truly they help to motivate me and propel me forward.  They force me to question and think about things in a way that I might not have ever thought about.

And while I'm in this "special" place where I'm out of my box and my routines I see things from an enlightened perspective.  It was from this "place" that I cleaned my altar room on Saturday.  I celebrated and mourned, I laughed and wept.  I held each of my treasures and lovingly dusted them off and remembered why they were there before placing them back.  I made sure that Mom had her bracelet and Dad had his dog-tags.  I found the letters that were hidden behind his picture and wept again.  All the time I was playing spiritual music and singing when the spirit moved me and this cathartic act of simply cleaning and remembering changed everything.  Time had stopped for me and when I emerged from my cocoon I realized three hours had passed in what seemed like a half an hour to me.

But then life happened and I left the "special" place until much later in the week.  I had been fiddling with an idea that had suddenly popped into my head but there was no real-time to test it. At dinner, I showed it to my husband on a napkin and he showed me his idea and there it sat.

After my spiritual bath, I usually pick a tarot card and then meditate for a bit before going to bed but instead, I looked at my beautifully clean altar and looked into Mom and Dad's eyes and felt a stirring of compassion and love; like a hug but with more to it.  Once again I got out a pen and began to write out the pattern I was trying to crack line by line; but this time, it worked.

So I've decided to dedicate this shawl pattern, Frederick, (which will be kinda "hush-hush" until after I teach it) to my beloved parents.

Here is the blurb part of my pattern:

"This shawl is dedicated to my beloved parents who taught me to read at a very young age.  Frederick by Leo Lionni, is a book about a mouse who stored away things for the cold winter days like sunshine, words and colors.  My hope is that on those gray days that pass through our lives you can take out this shawl and its colors will bring you joy."

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for everything!  You were always there for me; even now I can feel your love and support; your compassion and your kindness.  I love you now and forever.

May your crafts be full of color that make you smile,
Ruinwen
:)

Remembering Mom

Here is the memory board we did for Mom.  I think it captured her life through the years.

This has been a long week but we have been taking it one day at a time.  My sister and I have been inseparable since last Friday and I think we are both working through the grief and trying to celebrate the wonderful woman that was our Mother.

Everything happened so quickly, but that means she didn't suffer and that is a blessing.  

We found a sweater in her drawer that was huge and I fell in love with the yarn.  It was six strands of different colors all knitted together and I thought I could reclaim the yarn.  

This is me and my sis trying to figure out how in the heck they put this vest together.  Not pictured is my awesome hubby who helped us.  It took us SIX hours to reclaim this vest.  Once we started we couldn't stop and it was 1 am when we finally were rewarded with many, many balls of yarn.

So moral of the story is that a vest made of intarsia is probably not worth reclaiming no matter how awesome the colors are.  :)

It was my beloved Mom who taught me how to knit so many years ago.  Forgive me if I've already told you this.  She had me knit a scarf out of ugly orange yarn for the homeless.  I hated my stitches and ripped it out over and over.  But, I finished that scarf and there was pride in that act.

Little did I know that a year later when I passed some yarn I would want to knit again.  The creative seeds that had been planted were growing and shaping my destiny without me even being aware.  I started thinking about making another scarf and the next one I made was black and simple but the yarn was yummy and I didn't rip as much.

Each time I went back to knitting it became more and more enjoyable until I wanted to try something new and that was the purl stitch.  After that, the world of knitting opened up to me like a flower blooming in the springtime.

So thank you, Mom, for giving me something that has seen me through the hard times and helped me to cherish the good times.  Thank you for teaching me something that reaches down into my roots and connects me with my ancestors every time I make a stitch.  Thank you for giving me something that lets me honor you with each project and every smile that a new yarn brings as I start something or get a new idea.  I love you...now and forever.

My sister and I want to thank all of you for your love and support over the last week.  We are blessed by our cyber family and we send hugs to all of you!

Happy Crafting,
Ruinwen
:)

Stranded

I know that you will understand the feeling as I write about an WIP of mine that has been just waiting for me to pick her up again.  It was a gift from my parents when they lived back at the house; which should tell you how long ago that was.

I saw the Sipalu Bag at Knitpicks and I fell in love.  I'm the kind of Aries that jumps into everything with cannons blazing and only when I am knee-deep in chaos do I stop to ponder my actions.

This kit came with 16 balls of Palette which were all so lovely to look at and I pet them lovingly...and that was it.  After reading over the instructions I put the kit away.  Yep, that's me...or was me...but I digress.

Now and again I would pull out my kit and then I would find a reason to not knit it and back into the recesses of my UFOs it would go.

In 2011 I had played with Fair Isle a bit on my own; as I do most things, and enjoyed it enough to take a foray into "the kit".  This time I looked at the Fair Isle as an adventure and created a provisional cast on and began to knit Fair Isle.

Now mind you I moved balls back and forth to strand and switch colors but my strands or floats on the back looked pretty good and my fronts did too.  I was pretty darn proud of myself and knit the entire sideband.  Now, all that moving of balls had become second nature and I could switch those colors pretty fast.  I breezed through the little side welt and cast on my 4th side provisional and began to knit the bag itself.

About six rows after the welt in I dropped two stitches and put them on lock ring markers and put "the kit" away.

And then it was excuses and this and that and really I didn't remember why I had stopped knitting, but I was constantly reminded of "the kit" because the bag of yarn is right by where I place my purse.

Fast forward to 2013 and I finally take a two-handed, two stranded knitting class in Fair Isle.  Now there were no more excuses.  I teach picking up stitches; I can handle some drops and I pick them up easily making sure the color sequences follow and I am back to knitting.  No more ball moving; I just knit with a color in each hand and strand as I go. The whole thing flows without effort.  I am back in the game.

My goal is to knit on "the Two Side of Me" as I now will call her, at least once a week,  This is only the bag front that I'm currently working on.  And it still needs to be blocked.  There is still a back and a top and a cord of some sort to tie it all together.  So I have a ways to go but that is okay.

I decided on that name because I will knit the other side in the opposing color chart that they included.  I liked them both and I thought why not?  Not sure how I will do the welt yet...but that is a long...long...way off.

I have an FO to share as well.  Here is the brioche scarf all posed and looking very Halloweeny IMHO.  This was a really fun project and I hope to make lots more.

Have a beautiful day,
Ruinwen
:)

P.S.  Thank you for all your kind comments regarding Mom; they mean more then words can convey.  She passed in her sleep last night; she went peacefully into the next world where Dad was waiting for her.

A Little Rain Must Fall

Be still sad heart and cease repining; 
Behind the clouds, the sun is shining, 
Thy fate is the common fate of all, 
Into each life, a little rain must fall, 
Some days must be dark and dreary. 
Longfellow

I'm sorry that this post is very personal and not full of knitting or spirituality or really anything of value to you dear reader.  Today I just kind of ask for a hug from my cyberspace family and next week I will be back with things to show and beautiful yarns to dazzle and tempt you with.

The thing I have been dreading has happened and most days I feel like my world is just shifting out of order. Mom's cancer has become untreatable. They have said she has two to six months to live and to get her affairs in order. The rain was pitter patterning on the window and the moment is forever frozen in my mind. Lonestar was playing when the Doc told her:

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know, I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there

I was knitting my brioche before I left and I felt Dad's hand on my arm so much so that I turned to see who had touched me and he said, "You do such beautiful work.  It will be okay."

I thought I was going to drop a stitch which is harder to fix in the brioche then you might think, but he was talking about Mom.

In my heart; I know that I let go a long time ago so I could accept this new woman that my Mom had become.  Her dementia makes it hard to talk about most anything for long but I tell the same stories with a smile on my face and treat her with love and respect.

I know she is so weary of everything and she misses Dad terribly.  She hardly eats now, but I can ply her with chocolate and cashews when I visit and her eyes become so bright and my heart smiles a bit to see her so happy.

I called Hospice today to start the process of having them watch over Mom.  Right now she isn't in any pain and most days she has forgotten that she has cancer; which is good I guess.  But Hospice will assure that if she needs anything like pain meds or whatever, it will be there.  They also tell me that they have a wonderful grief counselor and maybe one of these days I will check into that.  Not now though.

So if you are of the praying sort, if you could say one for my Mom I would truly be thankful.

I wish you all a beautiful day,
Ruinwen
:)

Co-creating

While working on this prayer shawl I feel very centered and balanced in my own life process. And I realize for the first time what has been missing from my knitting for a while now.

I've been so focused on not buying new yarn and using stash and not starting patters before finishing what I've begun...that I've lost sight of the "spirit" of my crafting.

It seems like forever since I've begun a pattern with the help of my Patron Goddess, Bridget...or the elements or...really any of my guides or teachers.

It has been a while now since I really could immerse myself into my crafting like I was able to do for this prayer shawl. It is a good feeling.

I love the way this prayer shawl turned out. I really enjoyed everything about it from the soft fiber to the pattern itself. The edging was sheer genius and I love that I learned something new and fun that I can use over and over again.

I think Mom liked it too. Hard to tell these days.

Update on her condition: They didn't want to do radiation therapy. The second Doctor that they saw said that the tumor is as big as a golf ball and it would be better to operate. He is hoping to get it all in one fell swoop and then not have to do any radiation or chemo afterward.

When I talked to her on Friday she was "Mom" for our conversation. There was no confusion, no doubt...I wanted to stay on the phone forever just to talk to her about anything so I could keep the Mother I used to know. But that was just a little gift...as my sister said...a little of her soul shining through the chaos that surrounds her mental facade.

I was talking to my friend on Friday night about it and she said that everyone goes through periods where their soul is eclipsed by their outer shadows. She went on to say, "Look at you for instance. In trying to keep sane you've become so regimented that you lack spontaneity."

And it is true. I'm afraid to color outside the lines of my existence for the same reason that I game. I need the structure of some things so that I can deal with all the things I cannot control that surround me.

I used to do things so differently and I think that "time" cannot be an excuse anymore. I used to start the day off with daily meditation. Not something really long...just something to ponder on and think about during the day and it was a nice way to begin.

I started doing that again this week and I think it makes a big difference in the way I approach everything.

It is just a little change...but it is really all the little things that make up the glittery whole. And the little things are much easier to change then the unmovable mountains that I'm struggling with.

So I'm not going to be so rigid in the future or hard on myself to finish all these WIPs or ideas...or whatever else I've promised myself. I'm going to take time each day to listen to the voice of Spirit. I'm not going to plan out my next project before I finish the one I am working on. I'm going to try to start living in the moment and enjoying it to the fullest instead of dwelling on the past or looking towards the future.

I'm working on the Basic Tank Top and I'm finding it very enjoyable. I'm making it out of Malabrigo Silky Merino in Nocturnal #472. I love Malabrigo and it is so soft and the colors are so vibrant. This colorway has a spectrum of purples from the shyest violet to the deepest plum and I just adore the way it is making up.

This tank is simple yet...it has some design details that are really beautiful. I would recommend this pattern for anyone looking for a fitted design that is not too difficult with a little flair thrown in.

I'm trying to do it right...I did a gauge swatch before starting...I've been measuring it up against a tank that I wear and love and adjusting everything. I'm almost done but I want to take the time to block the pieces after the shoulder straps are done. I'm going to try mattress stitching for the first time and I'm a little excited. Usually, I hate to seam pieces but I think it will be fun to "color outside the lines" a bit with this pattern.

I hope you have a beautiful weekend.

*hugs*

Ruinwen

:)

The Soul of the Matter

“My soul is the bridge between spirit and body and, as such, is a uniter of opposites. ...Without soul at center, I would either transcend into spirit or become mired in matter.”
--Marion Woodman

I’ve been thinking about soul and what I believe these last few days. Are we a body with a soul or a soul with a body? Do I believe that there is this other realm where we all go? Do I believe that we reincarnate?

All good questions.


My name means “Reaper”. I’ve always wondered if I’m supposed to harvest stuff or tend souls.

The Sanskrit greeting “Namaste” means, "The God/Goddess in me greets the God/Goddess in you."

I’ve always liked that.

If you asked me when I was 21 I could have told you without a shadow of a doubt what I believed and why. Even now I can argue pretty convincingly about most of these issues.

For instance; when I was learning to knit I just didn’t get purling. I tried for hours and for whatever reason I couldn’t “see” what I supposed to do. I closed my eyes and prayed to DH’s “Gammy” who had recently passed and asked her to help me. With my closed eyes, my fingers moved as if someone had lovingly moved them and I made my first purl stitch ever. And when I opened my eyes I suddenly knew how to make the stitch…like I’d been doing it for years.

I know that Gammy helped me. I could feel her love and support blanket around me and fill me to overflowing.

I’d be lying if I said that was a strange experience for me. I talk to the spirits of my ancestors all the time and they’ve answered me in different ways over the years.

I want to believe that the soul lives on…and maybe some of the things that fill us with such joy live on in that soul.

My beloved Mother had a remission to her cancer and this time it is inoperable. She is receiving radiation treatments today…her birthday…my parent’s anniversary. Please send prayers or good thoughts her way today.

I can’t even begin to think of a world that doesn’t have my Mother in it. In many ways, she has left us already and that is hard enough.

My Mother was a brilliant person before dementia set in. As a mathematician of great proportions, she would add columns of numbers upside down. She could size and design clothes and sewed many beautiful things for us. I have saved two of her dresses she made me because I couldn’t part with them…one I was married in. She loved crossword puzzles and did them daily…she was always so proud that she could complete them…like there was any doubt?

She was an amazing cook. Her dinners were better than restaurant food. There are still dishes that she made that I just can’t get out because it won’t be the same or anywhere near as good as hers. I’m happy she gave me all the recipes over the years so I can make these dishes that are close to my heart. In the margins are all her little notes making the collection even more precious to me.

Every morning Mom would write me a note. I never tired of them and saved them all. She was always doing little things to make me happy. She liked to be involved in my life and I always told her everything no matter how weird or revealing. It is one of the things I miss the most…just opening up and talking to her.

I was happy that she had time with my son when he was really little. There was a bit of time that they helped me take care of him and I think it really helped them to bond. Yesterday when my little boy was editing his stop motion movie (more on that later), I was reading e-mail and mentioned that his Aunt had suggested making a prayer shawl.

He stopped what he was doing and said, “Let’s pick out some yarn that is soft that Grandma will like. This is much more important than my editing because it is for Grandma.” He ran off and rummaged through my stash as I held back the tears because he is such a rich and beautiful soul.

Now I know why Mom was crying when she found the burnt paper heart between the plates she was heating in the oven that said, “I love you.”

When I asked her why she was crying she answered me, “You’ll know when you have kids of your own.”

I know that Mom can’t remember these things…even when I remind her. I just hope she knows how much I love her…and always will.

Happy Birthday, Mom!
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Have a nice weekend,

Ruinwen

:)

Note: The prayer shawl is made out of King Cole Smooth DK...one of my favorite acrylic yarns. I used navy so far, but I plan on using at least two other colors. The pattern is from my friend's post. I was inspired by the beauty of this shawl when I saw it on her. *hugs*

This is my son's debut as my blog photographer. He took the shawl photo. I think he did a great job! :)

Life-lines

One of the hardest things I went through last year is that my Mother, my best friend, and confidant...has lost her short term memory. The woman I relied on for years with all the silly little things in my life...the wonderful friend I trusted with every secret...needs me now.

And I realize that it is very selfish of me…but sometimes I just want my Mommy. I want to cry and tell her how I really messed up…or have her eyes show with pride over something I’ve done…or have her give me advice peppered with wisdom and age.

And I don’t know if it is the snow, or taking off a layer of fat that had a memory stored away or even the essence working to heal me…but it is like I am reliving it all over again.

From a healer’s standpoint, it means I didn’t work through it the last time…I just accepted or hid it or whatever. Everything was so crazy last year and there was little time to think…but now…now with the snow piled up and white as far as the eye can see…I’m thinking…

It’s like a life-line in knitting. You can rip back to the row before your mistake and work through the whole thing again…which, is what I had to do with Ishbel. This little lace pattern is taking much more patience then I thought it would. So I’ve got life-lines and markers at every repeat…which move with each row and every repeat; so really it is a pain in the butt.

But this time I’m taking it slow and really focusing and I'm back to where I started before I ripped. The lace is starting to emerge and I remember why I chose this pattern. I love lace. I love the way the holes and paired decreases tell a story and paint a picture with negative space. Which is why I chose the frozen spiderweb for this post. There is something so magical about a web; spiders are knitters, after all, making their own personal lace that adorns nature with such great beauty.

I’ve been thinking about the world waiting to emerge as the seasons begin to change...(I know what Phil said...and I'll be up to my eyeballs in snow till Summer...but let a girl dream 'kay?) ...and honing my spiritual seeds that I will plant at Ostra. I always make this little container of sorts that hold the seeds of the things I hope to accomplish this year. I’m not sure what container I am creating this year…but I’m meditating on it.

My personal “container” continues to get smaller and my muscles are getting stronger too. My clothes are really fitting better and I can already wear a few things I couldn’t at the beginning of the year. This weekend my Wii adjusted my avatar to the "normal" range. *and there was much rejoicing*

So all in all…I’m doing okay…much better then a few weeks ago.

*hugs to all of you*
Ruinwen
:)

Bittersweet

Chaos results when the world changes faster than people.

-Anon

I have so many emotions running through me at this moment that I feel adrift in a sea of confliction. I have been trying as of late, to keep the chaos swirling around me instead of through me. It seems I’m failing.

The doing for everyone is easy. I can organize, clean, plan and scheme. It is the deep intense feeling that is causing my routines to skip a beat here and there; thus throwing off the order in my universe.

I really don’t know what to do about it except change faster than the flux around me. There is no way to do that with all my tendrils of emotion being dragged and scattered on the four winds. Lately, I feel less than whole and I just don’t know how to repair me.

On one hand, I have the most wonderful friends who threw me a super birthday and I could gush about it seven ways to Sunday because it was that good. All my friends…virtual or otherwise…rock. I’m blessed to have you all in my life. And I’m sorry that I’ve been ignoring blogs and such. I’ve barely been keeping up with e-mail but I’ve gleaned enough love to know that you all have sent well wishes and prayers and they all mean so much. I am thankful for each and every one of you. :)

Then there is the other hand...the one that I usually can put to the back of my head for a time and smile and be the Ruinwen you know. At the beginning of this blog, I just posted projects and knitting and then I got to know you and you encouraged me to let more and more of myself show. I found a place I could talk, vent, examine, pose questions or just share what was on my mind…and it gave me a great joy to do so.

But lately, I find little time for crafting…though I squeeze every ounce of time out of my Friday night at Starbucks with the girls. The things that balanced me and kept me sane seem so few and far between. I hate that when I come to this blog I sound so needy…so lost. It is not a me that I’m used to dealing with and I still reread these words and wonder who this person is that I’m becoming?

Can I be this rock that everyone thinks I am? Even rocks will erode with enough elements beating against them. How can one stay strong for everyone and yet whole for themselves?

Until I find out the answers to those questions I’m just muddling through the best that I can.

Obsidian has cancer as we suspected and the vet has no idea how much longer he will be with us. Right now the mass cells have not invaded his organs and you wouldn’t know from his constant demands that there is anything wrong with him. We are spoiling and loving him as much as possible and will continue to do so until the very end.

This was my Mother’s last holiday at home. She can’t make it up the steps anymore. She won’t walk or do anything to strengthen her body and now it is ceasing to work for her. With her short term memory gone life is very frustrating for her and she is terribly unhappy. She keeps telling me that she lived too long. It breaks my heart.

Dad confided in me that he no longer cares about getting up and getting dressed in the morning. I can see the depression settling in and a familiar pattern taking place but seem helpless to stop it. On the one hand, he wants us to clean the house and the other it is killing him to see everything disappear. There is no happy middle ground. He wants to be with Mom but not in AL. He hasn’t made appointments for the doctor and is just letting it all go.

I realized this weekend that my role was going to increase as I know that I need to step in and take over this whole thing with Dad. He needs to get out of that house and be in a place where people can help him…he needs to be with Mom. I need to make this happen. So I took off a week (my only vacation) and DH and I will clean with Sis and possibly a few friends. I will get a truck and get everything out of there that needs to go. I will make sure the house is empty if that is what it takes so that Dad will come up here.

I don’t know if I told you about my son. He is having trouble keeping up in school and DH and I have been working with him as much as possible in the afternoons on everything from Math (which I am terrible at), Science and English. We have all been working very hard to bring him back up to grade level or beyond. And I feel that it is finally paying off. He has only missed one word on his spelling in the past six weeks now. He is reading better and can identify more words. It is a joy to see his confidence climb and all this hard work is so worth it.

Another change to our household is my BIL finally got his divorce and will keep sole custody of the kids. My ex-SIL gets them every other weekend and Tuesday nights for dinner and a bunch of holidays and things. Where as this is the normal progression for a separated family. These are the first visits unsupervised and it has us all a little leery.

At the same time it gives my BIL some time to do things that need to be done. He is such an amazing Dad but everybody needs some down time and he gets so little of that. This will be the first weekend without them in so long I know it will be a hard one for him. He is all about his kids. The whole thing is very bittersweet.

So that is the long and short of what is going on. Thank you for wrapping me in your thoughts and sending prayers…everything you do or say means so much to me. Again, I apologize for not being on the computer so much. I feel horrible about it but I’m doing the best I can.

All my love and light,

Ruinwen
:)