Shooting the Curl

"The balanced energy is the birthing energy. I used to say that the birthing energy was all feminine -- it’s not. You have to push and you have to be. It’s such a potent example of the dance of the feminine and masculine together, the dance that is the creative energy of life!"

-- Joyce Irvine

I was looking at Serenity, which was my first design for my first class ever in March of '06, because I wanted to put it up as a free pattern on Ravelry.  I have never liked the way the edge curled into the stockinette.  I mean everyone knows that stockinette will curl which is why I put the garter edging on there.  I steamed the sucker and blocked it and still...curl.

One of my wonderful students and friends made me the spring-green scarf pictured above for Yule.  It is soft and yummy and I just love it...but there again, through no fault of anyone...is that darn curl.  If you can't tell this is something that I wake up in the middle of the night mulling over.  So, instead of just thinking about it here is my attempt to find a solution.

ABBREVIATIONS (just in case you are new to knitting)

K         - Knit

K2tog - Knit the first and second stitches on the left-hand needle at the same time 

             - it is a right- slanting decrease

P          - Purl

YO       - yarn over, with the yarn in front knit your next stitch

SEED STITCH

Okay, we tried garter stitch in the original pattern and failed...let's see if seed stitch fares any better.  Seed stitch is a nice little stitch that is totally reversible and great for edgings.  It is the top light-blue swatch in the above picture.

Seed stitch is usually created over an even number of stitches:

Row 1:     *K1, P1* rep **

Row 2:     *P1, K1* rep **

Rep Rows 1 and 2 for pattern

As long as you knit the purls and purl the knits you will find this easy.  I use a pink or purple marker on the row that starts with a purl (since they both begin with P) to help me remember where I am.  

Alas, this did not help.  The scarf curled after the seed stitch line.

RIBBING

Ribbing is usually used on the cuffs, neck or bottom of a sweater.  It allows the fabric to look smaller then it is but then still stretch to the actual size...like a sleeve cuff.

Ribbing is usually created over an even number of stitches:

Row 1:     *K1, P1* rep **

Row 2:     *K1, P1 **

Rep Rows 1 and 2 for pattern

As long as you knit the knits and purl the purls you will find this easy.  

This technique would look silly on this scarf...and I'm sure the tenacious Serenity would find a way to curl with the ribbing as well.

DROP STITCH OR UN-LADDERING

The un-ladder option just doesn't work with the pattern here..though I do love to knit a scarf and then drop every four stitches watching them unravel and adding lightness to the fabric.  

So, what I have learned is this pattern will curl with any edging I use.  The name of this scarf at this moment is not very descriptive of how I feel. *breathe*

My next swatch will be eyelets. 

My last resort before I do something rash that I don't want to do is to leave one stockinette stitch surrounding the pattern and make the rest garter.  This might stabilize the fabric enough to tame the curl.  *crossing fingers*  (NOTE:  I tried this for funsies and the pattern was lost.)

YO OR EYELET ROWS

Eyelets are just little columns or rows of YOs all lined up in a...well row or column   It is a nice little flourish and you can snake a ribbon through them to make a scarf extra pretty.  It is the bottom light-blue swatch in the above picture.

So with a four stitch border, the pattern would look like this:

Row 1:     K2, YO, K2tog

Knit your pattern and leave 4 stitches:

Row 1:     K2tog, YO, K2

Well, this didn't work either.  In fact, Serenity curled up so fast you would think she was a bear going to hibernate for the winter.

STAGGERED EYELETS

So...*breathe* now I will try staggered eyelets.  This is a lovely effect; almost like twining vines.  It is the dark-green three-repeat swatch in the picture.

Okay, using a four stitch border it would look like this.  

Right side - because we knit from right to left.

Row 1:     K2, K2tog, YO

Row 2:     You can K2, P2 here or K all the stitches, or P all the stitches based on what you are trying to achieve.  For this pattern, I used K2, P2

Row 3:     K2, YO, K2tog

Row 4:     K2, P2

After the pattern, we end with four stitches on the left side:

Row 1:     YO, K2tog, K2

Row 2:     P2, K2

Row 3:     K2tog, YO, K2

Row 4:     P2, K2

Nope, didn't make a lick of difference though it is very pretty and I like the raised effect achieved by purling on the back.

So my next attempt...hopefully my last...will incorporate a few of these techniques all in one hopeful prayer of a mishmash that maybe by all the techniques working together, I can conquer the dreaded curl.

PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

The right side:

Row 1:     K2, K2tog, YO, K2

Row 2:     K2, P2, K2

Row 3:     K2, YO, K2tog, K2

Row 4:     K2, P2, K2

The left side:

Row 1:     K2, YO, K2tog, K2

Row 2:     K2, P2, K2

Row 3:     K2, K2tog, YO, K2

Row 4:     K2, P2, K2

This produces a larger garter boarder surrounding the staggered eyelets.  Employing this pattern has forced the right and left-slanting decreases to pop and become almost 3 dimensional ..or I've been staring at this way too long?

I am happy with the result.  :)  But it still did this :(

So, it is back to the drawing board...again.

Maybe, just maybe I have been looking at this whole thing wrong.  I've been trying to stop what is apparently natural in this pattern.  Gravity and other factors are at work here.  

If this was surfing; I'd be working with that curl...flowing through it...not trying to deny it's existence.

So, I sat down and thought about this and I thought a thought that had once come to me in a fleeting glimpse at night just before bed...why not just let it curl?  It is going to do it anyway.  In fact did you know the Harry Potter house movie scarves were all done in the round so they would not curl?

So, I have two ideas and one is to just knit this sucker in the round with lace on both sides and the darn staggered eyelets that I've grown to love after swatching them so many times, could be the border between the two sides.  Or...I could use a stitch that is guaranteed to curl and it can get it's curl on early on and we will both be happy.

I've decided to start with a stockinette border which is against everything I usually do.  I want it to match the sides so I will have to see if it rolls under or over on whether I begin with a purl row or a knit one.  The pattern for the edges will be simple:

Row 1:     K3, P3 - Pattern - P3, K3
Row 2:     P3, K3 - Pattern - K3, P3

Of course I will have to play with my stitch count since I just added six rows to this 30 stitch pattern...I'm not sure if bigger is better but at this point I won't give up my staggered eyelets.

Ooops I think I forgot there *breathe*...ahhhhhh.....better.  :)

I know the pictures a bit dark but this is the result.  My DH likes the other side the which would be:


Row 1:     P3, K3 - Pattern - K3, P3
Row 2:     K3, P3 - Pattern - P3, K3

They both have good and bad aspects.  The first which I will name "flat" is so neat to watch come into being.  The first stitch of the purl is all you see, the rest pull into themselves and disappear.  So it appears you have this solid border of stockinette.  The downside is it wanted to curl as well.  But maybe it can be blocked out.  I have not tried blocking this particular mod and won't be able to before this post is due out.  But I will let you know if it works in upcoming posts.

The other edge which I will name rolled is very akin to a i-cord.  It is a wonderful little edge but it too seems to want to roll a bit and the lace is lost in it's pull.  

So, I learned a lot and I'm still not happy with anything.  But I have some new ideas to try and I will either find something that flows with the curl or find a way to tame it.






Happy Knitting,

Ruinwen
:)

BTW:  The yarn is Knitpicks Swish Tonal in canopy.  I like it for stitch definition.  It reminds me of Cascade 220 and it actually has 220 yards.  I ripped this piece out more times then I would like to count and there was very little fuzz or degrading of the fibers.  This yarn can take a beating and still shines in bright beautiful colorways. 

Connections

"What every man needs, regardless of his job or the kind of work he is doing, is a vision of what his place is and may be. He needs an objective and a purpose. He needs a feeling and a belief that he has some worthwhile thing to do. What this is no one can tell him. It must be his own creation."

-- Joseph M. Dodge

My Grandpa was a lineman with Ma Bell...Pop Pop was too...and so is my Brother-in-Law who works for Verizon...those black cables lines that surround most of us connect all these amazing men.  There are 114,000,000 cable lines crossing the US connecting us to friends and loved ones at the touch of a few buttons.  It really is quite magical to me how a voice can travel from place to place at any time of day or night.

This thought had me up at two in the morning and I had a vision of a cabled scarf that I could design to honor these men in my family who have kept us connected over the years.  I imagined three cable lines that come together in a unique sort of way.

So I found a cable pattern I liked called Fishernet.  It was four cable lines all perfectly happily flowing into each other; so I shook things up a bit by removing one of the cables.  Now it was asymmetrical and very wonky to say the least.  So I charted two possibilities one with the bulbous exaggerated cables and one with nice flowing cables.  The charting reminded me of one of those pictures you stare at and suddenly everything shifts and you see whatever was hidden.  Suddenly, I could see the cable lines as clear as if they were really there.

I brought both charts to Knit Night and the girls voted on the flowing cable so that will be the one I swatch.  From beginning to end a new design can take quite a bit of time but sometimes everything flows and falls into place quickly and that is always a nice surprise.  But I suppose most things are like that.  

I have knit a pattern with no trouble at all; all my numbers work the first time and it just flows.  And then I have knit a pattern which I tink back more then I knit and I am dreading each stitch.  Sometimes I have silly setbacks that all can be chalked up to fate and not the pattern....such as this is the second day that I have forgotten a needle to finish my friend's baby sweater.  It has been that kind of week and it is only Tuesday.  *sigh*

Oh well, I still managed to get it done later that evening.  This cotton yarn is is Dark Horse, Desert Flower in black.  The pattern is Naughty Knots Top Down Baby Cardigan from February's Cast On.  I really enjoyed knitting this despite the fact I kept forgetting the needles.  

I adore the sheep buttons that I got at the Knitter's Nest, sorry the picture came out blue.  I want to make this again in something bright; the black was hard to see at times but when you have a city baby who likes his dark colors...I just went with it.  lol

I've been working really hard to put our brand on my patterns and get them up on Ravelry.  I've been making folders for all the patterns and systematically going through a checklist on each of them.  1) does the pattern work?,  2) layout the pattern, 3) photoshoot, 4) brand it, 5) check the whole thing again for accuracy and spelling and stuff and save it as a PDF...load it up and feel just a little freer.

The new ideas get folders too.  I get them to a point that I will be able to continue where ever I left off.  Which is where Linemen is.  It is all ready to be tested...and then I will make it reversible and test it again.   It all seems like a lot of work at times but when you see someone wearing something you designed and they tell you how much they love it...all the creation stress goes away.  Besides I really like the puzzle part of it.  Figuring out a pattern really is fun for me.  

I hope you all had a wonderful week; if not relax, make some tea and take some time to appreciate the wonderfulness that is you.

Happy crafting,
Ruinwen
:)

NOTE:  I had to change the settings to my comment feeds because of really bad spam.  Some of you said you couldn't read the little pictures with numbers and words and I agree: I can't either   So, I have moderated the comments.  I will try to keep up with them in a timely manner.  Thanks for your understanding.  Hugs!  :)

Evolution of a Hood

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it is not all mixed up.
-- A. A. Milne

The evolution of a pattern over a 3 year period

1. I found a pattern that I liked and it was really neat…a scarf that attaches to a hood to make a hooded scarf and decided to make it for a Christmas gift. It is now October.

2. After swatching I realize I’m not going to be able to deal with the back of the fabric and decide to redesign the cable to be reversible.

3. After messing up my math in every conceivable way and pulling my hair out, I chart the pattern correctly. There is much rejoicing. :)

4. The scarf is flawless and I love it. It is a joy to knit and I love the finished project. There is much happy dancing. :) It is now November.

5. Feeling on a wonderful high I use the same now tested cable pattern to replace the cable pattern on the old pattern’s hood and I am feeling pretty happy about how it looks and is making up.

6. I knit furiously finishing the hood and come to the grafting part and realize that I never took into account that:

One) the pattern grafted the two halves together so they would kinda be a blob and grow from one another and (Two) by using the reversible knitting technique in order for them to join properly the 2nd cable would have to be totally reversed from starting with a purl to the whole CF8 / CB8 mess. There was much gnashing of teeth, swearing and crying. :( It is now the day before Yule.

7. A good friend promises me in the new year she will rip the hood out with me…the salt tears are not good for the silken wool. :( It is now the day after Yule.

8. I do not have the will to reknit this hood part again and I make the scarf longer and give it as a gift and it is loved and appreciated. Happy dance. :) It is the day before Christmas.

9. During the long weekend, I scour Ravelry and my books for ideas and find another hood/scarf idea I like. I redesign the cables into smaller ones and actually get the math right on the first try. Amazement ensues. :) It is two days after Christmas.

10. I realize that in order for the hood to “grow” from the scarf I must employ the use of short rows. I spend two weeks swatching short rows until DH begins to think they all look the same. It is now January.

11. I begin on the scarf section and tweak design six times before liking the smaller reversible cables. Wild cable happiness abounds. It is now February.

12. It seems the hood has a will of its own and my friend cannot rip it out to save her life. We plan a day and I make the cut that will hopefully unravel my hood and give me back my pretty Noro. It hurts but we do it and now the hood is in one big ball. I place the ball back in the stash and try and forget how much I loved that hood. :(

13. I painstakingly line by line design a hood using Cat Bordhi’s method of knitting short rows. I am hopeful this is the month I will learn how to knit her little sock. *hah* I am still happy with the scarf portion and the pattern is complete but not yet tested. Hello March…

14. I’m getting ready to start the increases for the hood and so far so good.

15. Life goes insane and creative knitting falls into the drain of disparity for the rest of the year.

16. It is February again and I have learned how to knit Cat Bordhi’s socks thanks to a knit group that I am part of. I resolve that it will help me with my hood and spend many sleepless nights worrying about “Larinking”.

17. February is ending and I have two socks to pass on and my creative mojo is coming back from its long hiatus. I feel that I can take on the world…or at least the hood.

18. March; okay I'm getting down to business here. I am fired up by the Aries energy coming in and I want to see this pattern birth into life like the blooms that are starting on the trees. Starting again with two cables running up the scarf I am excited that maybe this will be the time that I figure this all out.

The cables are pretty little things filling me with hope.  I get to the hood part and I split them and everything goes as planned.  *there is much rejoicing*.  I decide this is enough for today and happily go to sleep.

19.  Somehow it is April and I have not worked on the hood.  I pick it up and totally lose everything Cat had taught me.  I fiddle with short rows until I have something I can be okay with and move on.

20.  My beloved Father dies suddenly and I cannot seem to knit anything that is complicated.  I have to push to finish my project for my class and can't believe I managed to design something and teach it when my heart is filled with such sorrow.  *side note:  yes I was cheating on my hat/scarf with my cowl design...but playing with the sugar was just too tempting)*

21.  June flies by and I knit here and there but charting looks too intimidating.  I start doubting myself and feel like I should just rip the thing out.  I am pretty down...I cry all the time in private.  I talk to Dad and he tells me that I shouldn't be sad because he is still with me.  Every bill I pay for Mom, every call I have to make breaks me down.  But the hat/scarf is patient.  It doesn't judge me and I am thankful for that.

22.  We start playing Skyrim since hubby works for their parent company and we've been wanting to play for a while...I've expounded on my gaming before so this should be no surprise.  I found this game slowly bringing me back to myself.  It is hard to explain.  But knowing I could set out and finish a Quest gave me the courage I could do another.  The battle music filled me with a desire to go forward.  We all get inspired in different ways: Skyrim helped me get through the melancholy haze I was in and embrace life again.  While I watched my son and DH play I began to knit again with a ferocity that surprised even me.

23.  With over 20 dragons under my belt, I was feeling more like my old self but quite different.  I was tired of being afraid of failing, and I just jumped into my pattern and ripped the whole thing out and started over.  By the end of the weekend, I had tested the cables and they looked good.  By the end of the week, I was finished with the hood and the cables were back together going down the other scarf.

24.  December.  I bring my finished triumph to knit night and one of the girls says it is a little big.  Not deterred in the least...I start working on sizes.

25.  January.  After so much math that I cannot comprehend if 2+2 actually equals 4 anymore; I have three sizes to show for all my work.  I still need to test them which will have to stay on the back burner for a while.  But I think the math will ring true when I do.

26.  February.  After much work and considerable effort, my beautiful hooded scarf gets a photoshoot.  I am proud that I finished it.  I can feel Dad smiling in Heaven.

Happy crafting,
Ruinwen
:)

Despondency and a New Pattern

Today I remembered my little green stopper to bring to Starbucks; this is an achievement…no really.

I had hoped last time I wrote that I could continue my blogging days; but alas that did not happen. I’m not sure exactly what did happen since this year has become hazy in its passing.

My beloved hubby was looking for a job and things had been tense for a while but the Goddess was looking over me (as always) and opened up a new door that I wasn't expecting in the least.

I was asked to teach at the Knitter’s Nest; a wonderful LYS chock full of beautiful yarns and lovely people to boot. A friend of mine had asked to watch me design something from start to finish; so I set out to make something beautiful out of lace in honor of the extraordinary woman that gave birth to my husband, for my first class.

I had found this scrumptious yarn at The Mannings (look at me dropping LYS names like they are going out of style…lol). It is made out of sugar…I like to slur the u a bit…suuugar…when I say that. It is soft and silky and drapes like a dream. I knew this was the perfect yarn for my project.

My friend was content to watch me struggle with gauge and the pattern over and over. I brought it to Friday night with the girls and they laughed at the number of life-lines I had at the various repeats in the pattern.

Finally, I found an edging that I adored and established a place where a bead would go nicely in it; and after three months of extensive edits, I was finally done.

The day before I taught my class, my Father fell. The hospital urged me to finish my class that he was in no shape to see me. I saw him the next day and it was heartbreaking…he passed away soon after surrounded by his loved ones…after living a long and colorful life. I promised him that we would take care of Mom who he had lovingly spent his days proving comfort and companionship.

Suddenly…everything changed. Children became adults overnight. As POA of my Mother; I suddenly had bills and Doctor’s appts and other things that I had to keep track of. And I say this with no anger or ill intent; it is a joy to care for my Mother…I love her dearly and would do anything to ease the loss of her husband and best friend. It's just I had trouble keeping track of the three of us…now it was four and I felt a little frayed. Don’t get me wrong my sister is a HUGE help and my family is awesome…my friends are the best and they have been there for every tear and every breakdown.

But…that doesn't stop the…missing him. I just miss him. I know people lose people every day and I always send a prayer to their family…but I've never lost anyone so close like this before…and I've never felt this emptiness like I feel now.

At times I feel that maybe a bit of depression has set in and maybe it has…but I don’t really have time for it. I work a 40 hour week and when I get home there is homework, sometimes pattern designing, dinner and bed. And that continues until Friday...when I am already tired beyond belief and I go to knitting because I love it.

I haven’t stopped doing anything important. I keep going, but the little things become harder each day and the stress at times of the things I can’t do is overwhelming.

I had vertigo for four weeks and I never even opened my computer.

That is why after a week of trying to remember my little green stopper, the fact that I did, is a reason to celebrate.

Thanks for listening.

Happy crafting, Ruinwen

BTW: The Knit Nana Lace Cowl will be available on Ravelry soon.

My test knitters have been awesome and all the edits are done. A special thanks to my model as well who came right over to help me with a photoshoot and didn't mind the 20 or so pictures we took to get the shot right.

Reinventing Myself

I’m back.

The old me would apologize for being away so long. But the new me knew I needed the time to make sense of everything before I came back.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t miss everyone…because I did.

I thought that my hiatus on my blog would be enough but I ended up abandoning my e-mail and Facebook as well.

In the end, it was lace that brought me back to my center. I made eight lace projects starting with finishing the Queen of Hearts shawl. The shawl is done and I am awed by the beauty of the yarn and the lines of the lace.

I realized that when I started knitting one of the shawls that there was a glaring mistake that messed up the count and skewed the lace. Such a simple thing to leave out one K1; you would think that it could hardly do any real damage. But it did.

At this point you have 3 choices; a crossroads of sorts that will determine the rest of the flow of your pattern. You can rip back to a point where everything made sense and put in a life-line. You will have to pay attention this time and maybe you can figure out where the mistake is and avoid it…or you might just do it again…and again. This first scenario often lends itself to overdoses of chocolate or even stronger methods of soothing one’s frazzled nerves.

The second choice you have is to ignore it. You can blindly make an increase and hope for the best. Sometimes this will work; other times you will find that the fix is worse then the mistake. The question you need to ask yourself is can you live with it? If you can then, voila, you can go on with your pattern happy as a clam.

I’m not sure how happy a clam is. But this idiom comes from either from them being happy in high tide because that is the time they are free from predators and all is right in their clammy world or from the fact their shells look like little smiles.

Either way that is how you will feel if you can manage to make a mistake and let it go. There is another tier to this second choice. Many cultures believe that a mistake in their craft honors the Divine. Only the PTB (Powers That Be) can be perfect and by making a conscious mistake and gifting it to the PTB you are honoring them. I always try and acknowledge one in everything I make. It can be as simple as an uneven stitch that maybe only you can see. Since perfection is unobtainable; this is an easy thing to do.

Now if you can’t live with your mistake then you have to choose again between choice one; ripping back and choice 3 which is to give up altogether.

This can be expressed by ripping the project back to a ball of now kinky yarn and never looking at the pattern again. But the most common thing is to place it away in a UFO holding pattern. That way you haven’t given up and you might actually get back to it at some later date.

My life was like this example. I kept trying to make it better but I needed to rip everything away before I could see what was really going on within me.

I spent the last 4 months doing just that.

I meditated on what my path is and where I am going. I started taking on knitting and healing clients. It helped me to step outside myself and see how other people see me.

There was this anime that DH and I watched where they said when someone has a friend who can see things within them that their friend cannot, it allows that person to glimpse those aspects of self and embrace parts of themselves that they didn’t even know existed.

Even a person who does not love themselves can mirror love from another by reasoning, “If they can love me, I should be able in turn to find something in me that is lovable.”

There was a moment where one of the girls in my knitting group who I also consider a good friend, gave me the gift of a spinning class in the spring; and I burst into tears. She told me that I was always so giving and kind to everyone she wanted to give me something in return.

At that moment something in me shifted and I began to see myself as my friends saw me and to tell the truth I did not know this woman they talked about. One of the things they talked about was my talent as a knitter.

I wanted to argue that I have ripped back on plenty of projects and made mistakes that were totally unfixable. I wanted to expound on my fear of steeking and all my faults. But I didn’t.

At that moment I chose to see if they were right and I decided to make a lace project a week until July 25 and give each of these beautiful knitting friends a little bit of me owning my talent.

The first project I was a bit scared that I would find my talent was all a sham but that soon gave way to a new appreciation for how the yarn came together in lovely patterns as I knit away.

I realized when I came the point in the pattern where there was an error that I could visualize what was missing and fixed it and just kept knitting. As the finished projects piled up I began to feel this inner strength flexing its muscles.

I began to embrace the process again and each new project brought such joy to me. Lace patterns became an extension of Zen meditations.

When each gift was finally opened they were all received with such love and gratitude. It was at that moment that I realized there was no charade; I am truly a knitter.

That doesn’t mean I won’t make mistakes but it does mean that I can meet each with patience and understanding the way I do for my students.

The next goal I have is to get a pattern up on Ravelry. I am designing a layout for my patterns, which has a learning curve of new software. But I’m up to the task.

Last year I got so caught up in making sure I posted each week that I created things to post about. This year I’m going to create something and then post about it. I’m not promising any schedule and I don’t feel guilty about that.

Right now I am knitting a prayer shawl for my friend’s Mother. It is made with some merino that is a light blue and white color-way. I was saving it for something to go with jeans but c’est la vie. This is the Shoulder Shawl from Victorian Lace Today. The merino is making this huge and squishy which for my purposes is just perfect. I’m on the lace border right now.

I love this pattern and will make it again with actual lace weight yarn at some point. The shawl body itself was easy to memorize and I was soon knitting it without a pattern. The edging is a little tricky with the double yarn-overs but on the whole it is the piece de resistance.

The shawl is lovely without the edging but with it the shawl is transformed into something almost magical. I’m really enjoying the process.

******************

I wrote the above post in a moment of clarity where everything was clicking about 6 months ago. That is why the dates and projects are skewed.

The truth was I still needed to fall before I could get back up. And fall I did. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was blessed beyond measure but she chaos outside of me had overtaken me and I lived in constant shadow.

I had been moving forward with so many things that I hadn't taken time to truly grieve my losses. It started with a potato pancake made from left-over mashed potatoes. Mom always saved a little mashed potatoes to make me a few potato pancakes. I can never get them to taste just like hers; I think I am missing a Mother's love.

She had all kinds of things she would make that would cheer me up. Like cutting my toast and making it into a log cabin when I was sick...such a sweet thing. So simple...so Mom.

It is hard for me to grasp that my home where I grew up has been sold...that the Mom I love will never make me a log cabin toast treasure again. Our roles are switched and now it is my time to take care of her...to help her find her way.

I miss being able to talk to her. Her insights were always loving and deep and really I should have listened to her more rather then being so hard headed. I miss my friend and confidant.

We spent most of the Summer with either Mom or Dad in and out of the ER. If Mom's cancer was in remission then Dad would have some brush with death that spun my world out of control with concern and worry.

I love my parents so much it is so hard for me to see them suffer. I want to do something; but I'm just helpless and it is so frustrating for me to do nothing.

This Summer my husband was out of a job and that was a stress all in itself. I wanted to trust that the God and Goddess would provide; I really tried to embrace my faith. But as the Summer wore on it ate at me. So instead of worrying I tried to help my husband polish up his resume and what ever I could do to be a supportive wife to the brilliant man I married.

I took time to listen to what he was seeking and realized this was more then a paycheck this was my husband wanting something more out of his career. The perfect job fell in his lap working for a gaming company...Praise the Goddess. He loves it there and I am so happy that not only did he find a good job but a place where he feels happy.

And that is really what this whole post is really about...happiness.

My friend sent me a mantra:

I am deeply centered and peaceful in life. It is safe for me to be alive and joyous.
I half heartily said this when she gave it to me like a prescription. But then I added two of my own one day in a moment of inspired reading.

I am loved. I am guided and protected. This situation will resolve.

and

I am financially secure now, and I have a surplus of money to spare and share.

This shift happened around Yule. We don't turn the lights on the decorations until after Yule...to signify the sun's return. The tree was so dark without lights...sad even and I realized that what was missing in me...light.

I stopped and asked myself, "What five things did I want to bring into my life to invite in more light?" When I made this list I didn't worry about what people would think or care if it was silly. I wrote down my five things and breathed life into them. I found an app called Aspire that allows you to take your goal and put in pictures, reasons and music. It is an amazing way to focus on something for a few moments a day.

On New Year's Eve I stood outside and left 2011 and all the stuff that was not making me happy in the old year that was of my own making. I whispered to the New Year coming in the next day that when I opened the door to change me. To allow me to always be able to reach into myself and find the joy that I could feel at this moment. To allow my choices to be ones that built me up instead of tearing me down. And since I believe in magic...to allow me pass this bliss that was bubbling up inside of me to others through a smile, hug or even a post on a blog.

Happiness is a choice. I have said it before, I thought I had learned this lesson but I hadn't. I have learned even in the situations that surround me day-to-day that I can either let them break me or I can breathe love into them. If I can take a situation that I hate and breathe love into it; then it starts to change. Maybe the hatred can turn to a kernel of understanding and allow compassion to grow.

Maybe at one point the hatred will go away and only the compassion and understanding will remain. I really hope so. But like anything worth having...I will have to work at this new way of seeing life and the chaos in it.

So this is me; the good and the bad...and despite the chaos swirling in my life...I am happy. Truly blessed...giddy with love and compassion for all I have been blessed with. My support system is awesome; my family and friends are amazing. My goals are being achieved one by one. I have two patterns up on Ravelry and more are to come. I am half-way there to my goal of financial serenity. My husband, sister and I are working on a project together that is rewarding and full of fun. And finally my son said to me the other day, "I love you Mommy. You are the funnest Mom in all the world." It doesn't get much better then that.

It is great to be back.

Happy Crafting,

Hugs
Ruinwen

Back In A Month

I need to take a break.

I don’t know how to write this in words that make sense to anyone else but me but I’m going to try.

Right now I am struggling with my blog. I find that I feel guilty about not posting or knitting something new…and right now it is more of a chore then the joy it used to be for me.

The situations around me do not change and I feel stuck even as I evolve and I know that I seem to be writing the same things over and over.

I was waiting for a sign to make this all make sense to me…and today it snowed. The Goddess told me sometimes in order to connect you need to disconnect first…like a reboot.

So this is me disconnecting from my blog for a month. After that time I will reassess all my blog issues.

In the meantime I hope to get caught up on all the blogs I am behind on…read my e-mail…and get caught up on Ravelry.

I’m going to take this time away to take a good hard look at my life and what I want vs what I can actually accomplish.

I’m not depressed. I’m burned out. I’ve burned the candle at both ends for too long and I need to step back for a bit.

They say the hardest part of a journey is the first step.
See you all in a month.

I am always awed that you are there to support and uplift me. I am blessed to have a beautiful cyber family like you.

Ruinwen
:)

Spring is Really Here

Look what popped up in my garden today! The bright color is so welcome after this cold winter.

I'm feeling as the sun has been returning I've been coming back to myself more and more. The chaos ever swirling around me never changes...but somehow when more light is present...it is not as unbearable.

I have finished the length of my sweater and the cabling looks really beautiful. I'm not sure that I like the bottom without a border...so I will have to contemplate that.

I have been doing a lot of that as of late...contemplating that is.

This is the time that I am planting my seeds for spring and I decided to keep it simple this time. I have honed my focus in five directions and I feel really good about that.

AIR - CREATIVITY
FIRE - HEALING
WATER - COMPASSION
EARTH - PROSPERITY
SPIRIT - CONNECTION

I meditated on it for a while and these were the things that really jumped out at me. Creativity is a given and encompassed under this title is finishing my shawl. Healing is something I need to do for myself. I am finishing up the Dentistry this month and then I will start on the whole Doctor thing. Compassion is necessary that I not be so hard on myself and more understanding of the previously mentioned chaos. Prosperity in all things is my mantra and always my focus. And last but not least; the connection of Spirit is not something I lack but rather I wish to deepen the times that I am open to Spirit's energy.

I wish you all a Happy Ostra this weekend as the spirit of Spring comes back to the land and our hearts.

Ruinwen
:)

On The Needles

Excuse the strands of yarn everywhere...this is a work in progress. I am enjoying this knit and would love to make it in something else at some later point...but for now, I'm loving this yarn.

The ribbing is really pretty with the cables in it. A scarf would be really lovely with that pattern and I may have to make that in the future.

Sorry, this is a short post...but things are really in flux here and I'm not sure if I start pouring my heart out...I'll be able to stop.

Have a nice weekend,
Ruinwen
:)

Bobbles on the Thread of Life

I had a student of mine come by and ask me to make her booties and a hat for her first Grandchild. She had picked this sky blue yarn with a thread wrapped around it with bobbles attached. Truly it is a charming yarn to look at and when the project is done it looks as sweet as pie. But getting there...now that is a totally different story.

First of all, just trying to make sure that those little bobbles get through the stitch is agonizing...secondly; it throws the gauge way off. She wanted newborn sizes of everything and it made all my patterns a size up which meant I would have to rewrite any pattern I had.

So all other projects had to go to the back burner as I worked on this commission. My sweater...my shawl. I am so behind it makes me want to cry. I thought I could just knock these out...well you know all the cliches about assuming...

This got me thinking about my trip to the dentist. The Valium did its job and I was good and non-stressed. I can't tell you how many times I fell asleep in that chair. But it's what happened afterward that got me pondering.

You see I couldn't compartmentalize anymore. I couldn't multi-task or do more than one thing at a time. My brain was so relaxed and calm that all it could do was think of one idea and focus on that. For instance, I put in a load of laundry and then since that was all there was to do at that time promptly forgot about it. In fact, in all fairness, I can't remember putting it there in the first place.

I tried to do things like pack my bags for the next day like I always do...and I kept getting lost. There was no list in my head to follow of things that needed to be done...and I felt very helpless.

I thought to myself how does anyone function like this day to day?

Then I realized that this is what meditation is supposed to be like. A singular focus...flowing from one thing to the next without worrying about all the other things there are to do...it was about giving all to each moment before moving on to the next.

This is what surrendering everything and living in the moment felt like.

Right now in that moment, something became very clear to me that has bothered me non-stop since that day...I am like that yarn I hated working with. All the things I fill my day with are like the bobbles on the thread...a thread that clings to every aspect of my day. Just like Atlas with his world...I don't leave home without my thread. Sometimes that thread becomes wound around itself so many times with all I am trying to shove into a moment that it becomes a bobble. Unfortunately, this is a regular part of each day.

But the most horrible truth is that I felt totally at loss in a world of surrender. I need to do more than one thing at a time now and then to make things work. If I don't pack up the books that need to go to the post office a day before I need to go...they might not get there. If I waited for the most opportune time to take them then I would owe money for not getting them back before the deadline.

Singular focus cannot cook food while unloading the dishwasher...to do so would be to dishonor the food being prepared or the task of cleaning the kitchen.

So where does that leave me? I've realized that as much as I would like to make some things happen in my life...to do so would make more bobbles then I can handle. I need to acknowledge that now is not the time to try and take on a second income. I cannot manage it. I work 40 hours a week, visit my parents as much as possible, have a second family living in our home, a son who usually has homework every night, a house to clean, clothes to wash, a family to cook for and a bunch of other stuff that is the central basis to my life.

Just managing to juggle all these things is a miracle to me. If I didn't have the love and support of my wonderful DH, friends and family I couldn't handle all that I do. But I do and I am so thankful.

Every Fair I always have all these big dreams and then we get to the next one and I'm just happy to have stock. I work a little on each goal but I still don't get all the way there. We've tried to make time to work on our products but the truth is we are tired by the weekend. We only get a few hours of family time during the week and our weekends are precious to us.

That is why last Fair my biggest goal was to actually finish the QOH shawl...and I'm going to do it before May. But I still need to replenish stock. I've been doing these commissions non-stop and that is really great...I am very thankful that people are coming to me to make things for them...but everything has to stop when I get a commission and my other projects get put on hold.

I felt extreme guilt that I worked on the QOH shawl last Friday at meet-up instead of my commission. But it had been a hard week and I wanted to work with the yummy lamb's wool.

My poor sweater does not exist. It is not even cast on and I feel horrible about it. Everyone else is all the way to the cabling or farther and I haven't even started.

But this is the reason I am very selective about KALs and such. I know that things just get bogged down in my life for periods of time and there is nothing I can do about that.

So here I am at Friday again...the booties are done. That hat is in progress. My shawl is at 13 repeats of 15. My sweater is in little balls of untouched beautiful yarn...and all of it is...okay.

I will knit on the hat at lunch and my shawl at the meet-up and I will feel guilty about neither. I will get to the sweater when the hat is complete.

Just because I plan and organize doesn't mean that my life has to be totally filled with bobbles. When I look ahead it doesn't mean I can't shift my focus to the present moment. Knowing my limits and when to say, "No," is not a bad thing.

As always; all things will work out in the accordance of their time. I can plan and organize and create space for things but they all will become complete and whole when it is their time to do so. That is the way it has always been and I know that will never change.

Vixenpath will have what it needs to see us through another Fair. My shawl will get done. I will learn the lesson of taking care of myself and all the Dentists and Doctors will have been visited and I will catch up on my healthcare. I will learn to let go of the things I cannot change and lay them at the feet of the God and Goddess. I will understand that financial serenity is not based on a number but on the flow of prosperity.

****************


On a separate note. Look at this beautiful pendant the talented Birdsong made me. I love the energy that I feel emanating from this beautiful pendant. It has stones to represent each member of our family. I love the way the tree is interconnected yet the stones each shine separate and whole by themselves. If you want one of these for a gift or for your own family; send Birdsong a note and she can create a one-of-a-kind work of art for you.

****************

It is a little cold here but I think that we have seen our last snowfall (knock on wood). So my shawl shot will have to wait until next year. Oh well.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Ruinwen
:)

Ooops!

This week has been so crazy what with the snow...Dentist...Dad...and my head just generally not being on my shoulders that I forgot to write a post.

Please forgive me.

I know I said this last week...but next week I will do better. I have tons to show you and share and I will get my butt in gear and write a decent post.

I'm going to spend Saturday with Dad getting all his bills in order and then madly knitting to try and catch up with my commission work.

I hope you have a beautiful weekend.
Ruinwen
:)

A Not So Typical Week

It seems that February has hit me with a curve ball.

Each of us has been sick. It hit DH and me harder then our son so I am dragging and looking forward to a week of doing nothing.

I have not knit a stitch in a week.

Dad is in the hospital because he will not take care of himself nor let us do the job. The Assisted Living he stays in made me feel like I'm at fault when I have done all I can do. He does not listen to us and spouts Fatherly experience but in the end does nothing to help the situation. *sigh* Please pray for him and me while you are at it...this has been a hard week.

A SWAT team appeared as if by magic across from where I work. For two hours it was guns, black cars, helicopters and tons of operatives. Scared the heck out of me. They did catch someone...but I have no idea what happened.

Social Services was called again by my ex-SIL. So we did the same old song and dance and they came to the same conclusion. It pisses me off that once again my child was called out to talk to them and she has put my family in jeopardy as well as hers. She doesn't seem to understand that if indeed they found something wrong they would take my child as well and they would be taken into foster care before being given to another family member. She doesn't understand that she would not be that member. And it pisses me off that once again we had to do this. But apparently this is my life and the social worker seemed pretty upset she had to come and visit a place that was cleared 120 days ago.

To top it off my son's fish died today. He admitted like an adult that he does not want another fish. He cannot keep up with the needs of another living thing and do his homework. My sweet poor little boy. Thank you Speedy for your loyalty when I'd come up to the tank you'd always swim to greet me. May your journey on the rainbow road be full of perfect streams filled with sunbeams and happiness.

So TGIF. I have nothing to show for this week expect I survived it.

Love you all,
Ruinwen
:)

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

My son and I went to the Dentist last night. He had no cavities and actually enjoyed going...yay. I hadn't been since before he was born (I know bad Ruinwen) so I didn't know what to expect. But apparently I have good brushing habits and my gums and what is under them is good. *whew* I have to go back for a scaling and to fill a few little cavities...but that is it.

I've made my appointment for the work. I'm going to take my Valium and go to my happy place and not get freaked out about this. The Dentist was the nicest one I have ever met. He was honest and explained everything and told me that he would not do anything until I was good and numbed.

He said after that if I keep up what I've been doing and see him every six months then I shouldn't have to have scaling done again...or get a cavity. So I'm doing what my sister said...treat my body in the same way as my financial serenity (which is getting a set back of a thousand dollars) ...this is my first step to healthy serenity. Yay me. :)

*****************************

If you read this blog then you know that numbers and I don't get along. Sometimes I get dollars and time mixed up and it quite frustrating. Well apparently I also get inches and gauge mixed up and it was equally upsetting. After finally finding the gauge for my sweater I was told by a friend that I had seen 4 stitches where it said 4 inches...big difference.

So I swallowed what was left of my pride and ripped out my swatch and began again. This time I used size 9 needles and got my gauge on the first try. *happy dance* This is my sample swatch of the cable ribbing on the bottom of the sweater. The first part was done with size 9 needles and the second was knit with 8s. The pattern calls for a step down in needle size when you get to the ribbing. I understand that this helps to shape and create an accented waist...but I wonder if I need to go down a size.

This is superwash and I'm not sure how it blocks compared to actual wool. So I'm going into this with more questions than answers but the actual start of this sweater is Saturday. My friends are taking a class together and I am going to start it at home. So when we all get together we should be on equal ground.

*****************************



At Imbolic one of the things I start doing is looking at seeds. In many ways, this is torture to me. I'd love to plant herbs in all the beds but we have these termite things in each bed. I'm leery to eat anything that goes into that dirt. Plus they spray around the house so those beds are off-limits for herbs or vegetable matter.

And the past few years I haven't really had time to garden, but this year I want to plant some flowers in the beds and get some more containers for a few herbs and maybe a few veggies.

When looking at an herb I have a lot of criteria that I consider. First, it has to be something I will use in cooking or medicinally. I always like it to have a strong spiritual connection as well.

Take calendula for example. It is wonderful as a topical remedy for wounds and skin irritations. Calendula is known for its anti-inflammatory, astringent, anti-fungal, antiseptic, antioxidant, antiviral, and mild antibacterial properties.

Note: Calendula is generally considered safe for topical application. It should not be applied to an open wound without a doctor’s supervision. People who are sensitive to plants in the daisy or aster family, including chrysanthemums and ragweed, may also have an allergic reaction to calendula (usually a skin rash).

It can be used to create a rich beautiful yellow dye which has been used by many cultures. The leaves and petals can be sprinkled on salads or used in cooking. Some call it the poor man's saffron. You gain that rich yellow when you use it in your cooking, but it doesn't have saffron's same exotic flavor.

In magic, its powers come from the sun and the element of fire. It is an herb of protection, bolstering self-confidence, aiding in legal matters and helping decipher or induce prophetic dreams.

As a Flower Essence, it has Positive qualities for healing warmth and receptivity, especially in the use of the spoken word and in dialogue with others. It aids in patterns of imbalance of using cutting or sharp words; argumentative, lack of receptivity in communication with others.

And finally, it is really a beautiful herb. It has a sunny scent and looks striking in a bouquet of wildflowers. The one I'm looking at has a high resin content just for medicinal usage and it is a brilliant bright orange; the kind you might see at sunset.

So these are all the factors I think about as I think about planting. Right now our land is covered in snow and it is hard to think that spring is right around the corner...but a certain groundhog said spring was coming early and I choose to believe him. :)

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend,
Ruinwen
:)

Disillusionment

One alone is not enough. You need both together.
Winter, summer. Moon and sun.
Lesson number one.

Like a rock you must be hard.
Like an oak you must stand firm.
Cut quick like my blade.
Think fast unafraid.

But you're still out of balance.
You're only halfway there.

Like a cloud you are soft.
Like bamboo you bend in the wind.
Creeping slow.
You're at peace because you know
It's okay to be afraid.

From Disney's Mulan II

*********
I just drew the 9 of wands for my Imbolic card reading. The Goddess wants me to persevere in the days to come.

But right now I am bummed. In the whole of the Universe my little trivial feelings mean nothing; but right now in this moment I am sad....really sad. You might remember how happy I was to get my little belly ring to honor my belly for all it has done in creating life. But not all these piercings take and after mine caught on the laundry basket it has never been the same. It began migrating a bit ago and I turned a blind eye to the whole thing. After all the pain and fear I had to overcome to get this done had to account for something. But tonight after drawing that card...I knew I had to take it out. And a part of me is mourning tonight. It seems most of the time I do something for myself it never works out as well as the things I do for others.

*sigh*

There is more ice and sleet on the way. More time for introspection as the world freezes and time is held captive. And I can hear the Goddess saying that I can't give up...I have to keep walking the path. All will be well.

But the path seems to be covered in a foot of snow and I think that I have lost my way again.

I'm not sure what She wants me to do or where I am to go.

I have been throwing all my creative energies into my knitting as of late. The shawl is growing by leaps and bounds and I can't believe I will be done before Spring graces the land. *believe me, my crocuses will not be rising anytime soon*

I have a pattern in the works that I've been wanting to make for me and I think it will be adorable. Our group is making a sweater together and I just ordered my yarn after much debate. So I am looking forward to some knitting for me in February. Then in March I need to work on stuff for the store. But Feb will be about finishing my shawl...knitting on a sweater that I plan to wear all the time and making something that came out of a dream two weeks ago. I'll share more as I obtain the yarn and more of a clue of what I am doing.

*********

I saw the moon and She was just a sliver hanging in the sky getting ready to go dark. I remember a lesson She taught me a long time ago that even the moon needs to take some time to bring Her light within. Her time of darkness is necessary to Her renewal. All living things need this time to go within and renew. Why should I be any different?

Bridget came to me today after the ice covered us this morning and gave me an answer for my question of last night. She told me that my path at this time is to cultivate me. I need this time to renew myself...to heal those things that need to be healed...to lessen my stress...to attend to things that I have ignored. This is my time to go dark and turn my light within.

*********

To be in balance is the greatest challenge anyone can face. Life often skews us one way or another and it takes a lot to tip the scales back to the center again.

There are many plants that know one cannot be strong all the time. When the winds of adversity come they bend with the pressure instead of cracking and breaking to pieces.

But ice is another story. A layer of ice on the trees seems beautiful; yet let it accumulate and it too will break even those that are pliant and lithe.

Ice can be equated to frozen thoughts. One troublesome thought can be nagging but with patience and perseverance you can work through it. But if that thought is layered upon itself over and over then your emotions can't help but spiral out of control.

February is a time to stop and go within. The snow and ice makes you slow down whether you want to or not.

I'm going to take this month to reach inside myself instead of outside. I have two projects that I would like to work on besides the shawl but beyond that I will focus on the shawl. I am up to 11 repeats and working on the 12th. I can do this.

I am going to the dentist on Tuesday. A part of me is screaming while a part of me is standing strong...so together I am in balance. lol

*********

I got my yarn yesterday for my sweater and I realized that I ordered the gauge of the yarn in the pattern but that instead of 4.5 stitches to the inch it called for...they really wanted 4 stitches to the inch. And this yarn that they used is bigger then mine by a bit so where as they can get gauge on an 8 or 9 sized needle; mine is more around the 10.5 range.

The problem is will this distort the stitches having such a small yarn on such huge needles? I was so happy to finally get gauge but I wonder if doubling up the yarn would make a difference. The problem with doubling is I lose the effect of the yarn. This yarn has a magical rainbow effect that drew me to choosing this yarn in the first place.

So I'm kinda lost on which way to go. But maybe the huge needle size won't change the pattern that much...it could all be in my head. The point is one way or another I'm still going to make this sweater.

If you have any words of wisdom from past experience with gauge like this...please let me know.

Have a super weekend!
Ruinwen
:)

On Idle

This week we found ourselves blessed with a lot of snow. I must have pulled something shoveling because I find myself having trouble typing and I couldn't hold a knitting needle either. So this will be a short post.

"Work is not always required ... there is such a thing as sacred idleness, the cultivation of which is now fearfully neglected."
-- George MacDonald

I had a day and 1/2 off due to the snow. And during that time I got nothing accomplished. When I got home I was cold and tired and just needed some R and R. So I spent time playing with my son and niece. Today I shoveled for three hours and that was it. DH was sick...and I was frozen and aching and...well...done.

We can't be moving all the time. We must take time to pause in between each great action to get our breath and renew our spirit.

This morning when I shoveled there was this great peace to the quiet day dawning all white and pristine. With my music in my ears, I didn't really mind the work. But after a while, I became wet and numb with the repetitiveness of the act of shoveling and realized this is an example of day to day life.

Many of us do the same things over and over until we become numb with the tediousness of it. It is only the pauses in between that make these tasks bearable. And when we ask so much of ourselves we must give back to our resources least we become depleted from our endeavors.

I used to have this terrible guilt when I just became lax on the weekend. But now I realize that this is a necessary part of the cycle. The things that need to be done are always taken care of. That goes without saying. But I'm taking more time to recharge instead of thinking that I have to keep moving 24/7.

I need to not let the guilt that crops up during these times affect me. It is so easy to fall into the trap of doing something for the wrong reasons.

As Imbolic / Candlemas approach I am reminded that once again I must bring forth my seeds from spirit and decide what I'm focusing on this Spring.

Air - I am going to finish my Queen of Hearts Shawl
Fire - I am going to find a way to work out with 6 people in this house
Water - I am going to learn when to pause and be still
Earth - I am continuing the path of financial serenity
Spirit - We are continuing to celebrate the full moons as a Family

Those are my goals. I hope to grow great fruit with them and have a bountiful harvest in the fall.

*hugs* to you all
Runwen
:)

Why I Believe I am a Pisces

*all this is speculation of my own. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind or create a flame war. I'm just trying to figure some things out.*

I know that you have heard about this. For a moment it felt like everything I knew was challenged; the world felt off-kilter and suddenly I didn't even know my own self.

I have always thought I was an Aries...I blamed my sign for most of my behavior but in truth, I never have been a very good Aries because of some of the core beliefs that have always been with me.

Aries are warriors and I am not; I am a peace-at-any-price kind of person. A ram's element is fire. Don't get me wrong I love a good fire...and I love the sun, but water is and always has been more my element. I have to immerse myself in water during the week...it regenerates me. I listen to the waves before bed to shut off my mind chatter. Being by the water centers me and invigorates me. I love listening to the rain...I sleep my best during storms. And the liquid I take in more then any other is water. Most days it is all I drink. My body craves it and it always feels better after I've taken in cool...fresh...water.

While I do have the Arian..." let's start something and I will lead the way and then I will step back and see what comes of it attitude"...I'd much rather express myself through creativity and helping others. In fact, sometimes I help too much. An expressed concern from friend or family sends me spiraling to help even when it wasn't really asked for. I've already come up with at least three ways to work out their problem...when it wasn't really a problem to begin with.

I have the Piscean...(or would that be Picon for us BSG fans?)...attitude that everybody's needs come before mine...and then I can be happy. Which, I know isn't necessarily a good thing.

I have an Arian stubbornness. But the water can be stubborn too...it just does it in a more subtle way.

First and foremost I see myself as a Healer which is more Piscean. I think in my youth I was happier to be a warrior and leader but now I feel that my view of life has changed. I do not need to lead to feel happy. In fact, I'm happy to sit back on Friday night and bask under someone else's leadership. It feels like a sigh of relief to have somewhere to go that all I have to do is sit and knit.

And as I look back a lot of my control issues were not what they seemed. I'd have a party so I wouldn't have to go somewhere I didn't know. It was easier to break my bank buying supplies and having to clean my house the next day then going somewhere else and maybe having a panic attack.

To this day I still get panic attacks when I have to go somewhere that is different than the day-to-day. Now I breathe through them and take some Bach Rescue Remedy and I can see them for what they are. But in the past I didn't understand that; all I could feel was this sense of dread and I needed to be as far from it as possible...not very Arian.

If they are really bad I just ask for someone to go with me. I've learned that I can't always do it on my own and there is no shame in that. But that was a hard lesson to learn.

My moods swing like the many faces of water. And with me, it is more what is under the surface then what is floating up top. everything has a deeper meaning to me.

I can feel emotions off of people like heat radiating from the sun. I am very emphatic and not just people but places and ideas. I have trouble when I am not feeling my own emotions to allow them to disperse. I have worked very hard not to take on someone or something else's emotions. But there are still times that one look from a stranger can make me cry because I feel their anguish and it tears me up inside.

I like to work alone...though I'm like my Mom...I want someone nearby...even on a different floor...because I don't like being totally alone.

I have the ability to daydream...I prefer to call it visualization. Like mental chess, I take a situation in my head and project different scenarios until one makes sense. Pisceans find it hard to concentrate on one project while Aries don't finish what they start. Usually, I will have broken a project down into parts in my mind. If I feel I have gotten through the part that was holding my attention I will stop. It is at this point that I will start something new if I lose my focus. At any point, if the project becomes charged with emotion...then I will stop too.

My emotions get so strong at times that they really do run my life. If I mess up something or do something wrong it starts a litany of all the bad things said to me in my life and I associate those feelings with whatever I'm doing. It is very difficult for me after that point to pick the project up again. If I could only uplift myself the way I do for others...

So as you can see; I am much more Piscean then Arian. Maybe when I was younger I was more Arian. But now; my life revolves around the love I have for my family and friends, creating beautiful things, celebrating life through my spirituality and gaming.

**************


On to projects. The first blue lace panel is from a scarf I finished for a dear friend. It was a difficult project because the purl rows were still working rows...so I always had to be alert. But after the fourth repeat I got into the flow of it and found it very serene. Which, was my hope; I wanted to imbue the scarf with serenity and good thoughts. Every time I see it I smile; since it still strikes me with awe that I'm capable of making something like lace.

And since my scarf is done, that means there is room in my queue for something new. I started this little fox and I am in love with him...even without a head. I had put off making him because I was scared to mess up the color-work sections...but after much youtube...I felt ready. And look...I did it. I'm very proud of myself.

One of our knitting circle died last Friday and I didn't get much knitting done at meet-up. Our thoughts were on celebrating her life and thinking about how she had touched each of us. Last night when I went to the viewing I felt a sense of peace that I had not been able to find before about her passing.

She was dressed in her Indian Regalia and looked so beautiful. Her family had created collages of her life so even if you had never met her; you could see what kind of person she had been. It was the most beautiful and moving viewing I had ever been to. I love that her family saw this as a celebration of her life instead of just a time to mourn her.

When it is my parent's time; I would like to honor them by doing this for each of them.

On this week of the Wolf Moon, which seems to shine brighter due to the ice covering everything...I am thankful for all I have been given. Family...friends...prosperity...happiness...everything. Thank you God and Goddess for all my blessings. Some times the world spins too fast and I forget that I am standing in a river of light...thank you.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

Moving On

It feels good to finish the last of my Yule projects. Yay! It feels like I can move onto this year's projects now. BTW I can't show you how much I love the way this project came out because it is for someone who reads this blog. So that will have to wait for next week.

I want to make something that is quick and easy and just a jog along the path before I start something new and I found this. If you don't have a Lion Brand account you won't be able to use the link without signing up. Don't worry it is free and they have a bunch of wonderful patterns on there.

Anyway, they have this wreath pattern with beautiful leaves and I've been saving up for the kit because the colors are perfect for Fall. But I found out the other day that they make blocks...felt them and then they cut the leaves out of the felt.

For some reason, this really upset me so I am on the lookout for the most wonderful leaves to make into a Fall wreath. I figured that was a nice project for in-between things or when I only have a 1/2 hour to knit but I don't want to work on something big.



Friday nights are dedicated to my Queen of Hearts shawl. I'm up to 8 of 15 hearts across and she is growing beautifully. It is made out of a discontinued Schaefer Yarn Esperanza in the Clara Barton colorway. I am so happy that I have another ball after this one!

Stop me if you've heard this before...but I'd like to get this shawl done so I can do a photoshoot on a day like today. The snow is so pretty and it was one of those really great days where it was bad enough for no school so the kids are happy...but the roads are good enough that I didn't need 4 wheel drive. But yeah, I really want to take a picture of the brilliant scarlet against the pure white snow...all Little Red Riding Hood-like.

I've been doing this free new game that allows me to schedule goals that grow a tree which is in fact; a representation of me. I've found that this is actually a wonderful tool for my self-growth. One of the things you can do is make "movies" of the things that inspire you with quotes and or pictures...they are very nice to play to inspire, motivate or recenter you. I also enjoy the journaling aspect.

Other then that...we've been making more meals with the crock that have been really yummy. We had an awesome turkey soup made from turkey stock and root veggies. Soup seems to be a great choice for these frigid days. Then this week we took a pork roast and first marinated it then slow cooked it with honey, hoisin sauce, soy sauce, sesame oil, garlic, ginger, ketchup and honey...DH put carrots in there too and they turned out delish. It ended up tasting like Chinese BBQ...and wow that was so easy!

DH has had his first gum surgery and the Dentist said everything went great. He is in a little bit of pain but the drugs help manage that. He sees it as a small price to pay if he can keep his teeth in later life. I agree. I made appointments for both my son and I at this new Dentist. I was very, very impressed with how nice they were and how much they care about their patient's well being. Hopefully, they can deal with my total irrational fear of dentists.

It makes no sense really. But the minute I think about anyone touching my teeth they start to ache. That is why I picked this dentist. They cater to cowards...and that is me in this case. I will probably have to have a Valium when they do the actual stuff I know they will have to do. Hopefully, I can make it through the exam and cleaning without acting like a total baby.

I mean...I had a C-section and that didn't strike fear in me like this does. I watched the vidscreen as they burned away the vein my leg both times and sure it pricked and was really hot...but that was okay. I had a needle in my thigh for the last bit of my pregnancy that shot a drug into my system every five minutes and that was tolerable. So why can't I buck up and just say that this is needed and go?

*sigh*

*breathe*

Have a great day!
Ruinwen
:)

Week one of the New Year

We have to decide for ourselves what’s nourishing to our souls, and do those things over others.
-- Thomas Moore

The Holidays came and went without so much stress this year. I have already written things to do in my calendar to make them even easier. Such as...taking pictures in the Summer for our holiday card and then getting them made early...and actually creating savings for the holidays.

I used to start making things for the Holidays in July and managed to get a lot done without stress or rushing...so I'm going to start that up again this year also.

I've worked a plan for my income and I'm really focusing on saving this year as well as paying down my card again. I had it almost paid off last year when we made two big purchases that ran it up. And since I used my Holiday money to help pay down my card then when December came around I was hurting and charged up the card again.

*sigh*

In knitting, I am focusing on finishing my Queen of Heart Shawl. This is the project I will bring to Friday night meet-up group until it is done. I've been working on it for a while now but the two commissions I got took priority. The above picture is one of the two cardigans I made. I really enjoyed this project. It taught me how to make a cardigan by following the top-down method. Now I really want to make one for me. :)

I am currently finishing up a Yule gift that is one of those pieces you cannot do anything else while you are knitting it..which is a rarity for me. I can knock out most lace and other complicated repeating patterns without a lot of trouble while talking or whatever...but this pattern is telling me to slow down and not try and always multitask. So I'm listening to the voice of serenity and following orders.

This year I want to cultivate more serenity...peace and happiness.

To that end, I'm trying to do little things to make the big things easier. Like...using the organic tub spray after bathing. I broke down the other day and scrubbed our tub from top to bottom. Then after each of us used the tub we used the spray and today when I looked our tub was beautiful. Something like that really puts a smile on my face...to know one chore is done for the day and it only took a few seconds to do it. *yay*

*My son just shared with me that he remembered to spray the tub without anyone telling him!*

I'm trying to find more of those "stitch in time saves nine" ideas to make all of our lives easier. Archimedes, our automatic vacuum cleaner saves us so much time. At his appointed time he starts cleaning and will not stop unless the area he is in is clean. He hates dirt and has a little button that lights up when he finds some. We all love him. The time he saves us is incredible...having a clean floor is priceless.

We've all been making changes here and there to improve our lives. We joined a whole foods farm and enjoy getting a morning delivery of organic healthy food. Everything there is so wonderful and delicious.

I've been looking at cell phones to find one with a lower radiation rating. Every week I make another little step to make my life safer and healthier for me and my family. I like this one. It has everything I could ever want in a phone so I'm pretty happy that it safer too. :)

So that is the week in a nutshell. They tell us that a winter wonderland is on the way...so where ever you are, be safe, warm and full of happiness.

*hugs*
Ruinwen
:)

Happy New Year!

May you and yours be blessed in the coming year.
Ruinwen
:)

Sorry for the short post. But I have not missed a post the entire year and starting now would be unthinkable. Bright blessings everyone.

I Believe...

I believe in Santa Claus. I always have…and I always will.

Faith can be defined as “belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.”

To me, he is a magical spirit that descends once a year to remind us all of how blessed we are. He comes down the chimney, the heart of our home, to answer the deepest wish in each person’s heart the best that he can.

For physical things, he has helpers that he whispers to that arrange for a special gift…you may know one of them.

He follows the law of Karma and each person gets back what they themselves have given to others throughout the year.

I get goosebumps every year when NORAD says that he is one state down. The tradition in our house is to get to bed quick as soon as he’s over PA. Milk, cookies, and carrots are put out for our guests as an offering of thanks for another year with loved ones and all the amazing blessings that we have been given.

Thank you, Santa Claus, for the family gathered here…they are the greatest blessing…the most wonderful treasure that I could ask for. Thank you for my readers; many who are now dear friends…please extend your love and light to them as well and grant them each a special beautiful holiday wish.

So mote it be.

Dear Editor—
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O’Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Happy Holidays! Whatever you celebrate may your heart be full of joy and happiness.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)