Fear and Faith

"You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I found that this weekend I was struggling here and there to get some rows on the shawl in and you know what?...the shawl is done.  We blocked it last night and I think it was gorgeous.  It was soft and airy and I'm glad I could help someone out who has given so much to me by just being my friend.

So how did I manage to get so much done in such a short time when my own projects seem to lag?  Did the equinox cause some flux in my knitting that created a hole in the time space continuum long enough for me to accelerate my knitting speed this weekend?  Well in a way, yes.

I knew that my deadline was Wednesday, and I knew how many rows I needed, plus a day of blocking, in order to achieve that goal.  I knew that I had to bring it with me and knit on it during the day and during movie watching in order to achieve this goal. I did what I could here and there...and here is the truth of it that is so simple, but so hard to see when you are looking at the entirety of the project...doing something on a project every day pushes it forward; doing nothing...does well, nothing.  There can be no growth without effort on my part.

So all those projects in the drawer down in my beautiful new Craft Room are not going to grow without my help.  They are like little acorns with all the potential in the world; but without the elements of air, fire, water and earth...they are still just acorns instead of mighty oaks.

This was one of the parts of our Mabon ritual last Sunday.  It was such a blessing to have a ritual again with my family out in nature.  It has really invigorated me and helped me to feel more balanced which, helps with my sense of flow.

We also celebrated the duality in things; sun / moon, hot / cold and so on.  We each drew a mask that touched on what ever aspect of duality we wanted to expand on and the above picture is my sister's creation.  Isn't it fabulous?  We all have our aspects of creativity that run in our veins and you know where mine lies...but my sister has always been so talented with drawing. The shirt she is wearing may look familiar...it is the Vixenpath logo she designed!

While she was wearing this mask it was hard to match the voice to the face and it really helped to drive home what you see on the outside doesn't really show you what is on the inside.  I have a friend who always says, "yes" to everything and last weekend she put her foot down.  She had taken on too much and she was at her breaking point and she didn't want to let anyone down but she was afraid that if she took on one more thing she would shatter into a million pieces.

When she said, "no" everyone didn't understand since this was not the usual mask she wore...the always helpful one that suffers in silence because that is the way it has always been mask. They tried to get her to change her mind but that was not going to happen.  She needed to take some time for herself or she would not be there for anyone else; even her Doctor had told her this.

I for one, was proud of her.  I have listened to her talk about how she couldn't handle it for years now.  But even I had to look again because the face telling me the story was not the one I was used to seeing.  Her face was radiant and the dark circles under her eyes were receding as the light emerged from within her.

We all wear masks.  One of mine is my confidence mask.  When I am doing something new I usually have a panic attack even when I don't want to.  I've tried very hard to hide this fact over the years and it is just in these last few months that I have opened up to people about it.  After I lost Mom I just fell apart and all those masks that have served me well over the ages just fell away.  I lost all my defenses and the inner and the outer bled together and this is the "real" me.

When I design a pattern; I try so hard to test it.  I usually test it three times myself and then I teach a class and test it again before I even think of putting it out there.  I have also been having my sister read through for grammatical errors as well as of late.  I am so afraid of doing something wrong and having someone have a bad experience through my patterns but you know what?...all designers feel this way.  They all have testers for this reason.  They all dread a mistake...but that is life.

I can either be like a project that is never worked on that sits in a drawer and never grows or I can be like the project that I bring everywhere and grows little by little.  The first rows you really can't tell what the project will be.  But as the piece grows the fabric takes shape and you start to become excited by the way the colors play in the light.

I choose to take the next step and claim a little more of my potential.  The fact that I am a designer is not a mask; it is a truth that permeates me.  As I take these next steps there is fear but that is okay because there is faith as well.  Without the fear, I couldn't claim the faith. Without the fear I wouldn't necessarily put the care I do into my patterns.  They are dual to my nature and both are necessary for my growth.

So I give you two new patterns:

The first is my journey into brioche, one and two color knitting.

The second is my journey into linen stitch and textures with color.

I learned so much creating these two patterns.  I have been blessed to be able to create two new patterns this year and teach them as well.  This has been a powerful journey; both patterns were created while I was in different stages of loss.  I was knitting on the Beginners Brioche the day I found out Mom wasn't going to be with us much longer.  You can read about the brioche here. Frederick my linen stitch shawlette / shawl was born from the love of my parents and a book that they used to read to me.  I wrote about it here.

Here are the patterns on Ravelry; you don't need to be a member to purchase / down load them.

Beginners Brioche which is free -  download now

Frederick, new pattern priced at $2.50 -  

These are both active links that will download or send you to Pay Pal.  If you would like to look at either of their pattern pages on Ravelry; here they both are.

Beginners brioche

Frederick

So, my life is bound in those stitches, in these offerings that I am putting up on Ravelry. There is both fear and faith but that is okay since it is in my nature.

May you have the blessings of an abundant harvest,

Happy crafting,

Ruinwen

:)

Today...I Saw a Blanket

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
By the Muppets 

I have a problem.  I saw this and fell head-over-teacups in love with it.  So what's the problem you say?

This...

I just spent the weekend organizing my yarn, work-in-progress (WIP) projects and designing projects.  I gathered yarn from all over the house and found a home for each skein, cake, ball and hank.  I was so happy to see it all together in my new room and I still am.

I realized how many things I have started and then abandoned for one reason or another.  I was flabbergasted at how many working projects I found hidden in bags or bins.  So how can I even be thinking about a blanket of all things?

But I am.  I am thinking of...the rainbows that I made with my sister in the hose in the Summer sun, the blues in the ocean tinged with green and how marvelous our family vacay was this year, the hues of fall and smelling cider mulling on the stove and fresh gingerbread baking in the oven, Kermit singing in a swamp and my Mom loving him for it, sitting by the fire with my Dad at the cabin when I was younger and the chakras and how wonderful this blanket would be to use in healing or balancing the energy centers in the body.

Yes, that is without a stretch, the way I think.  One glance at something and I can picture myself enjoying it: and all the reasons why I should buy it wrapped in pretty bows.

I know that these Knitpick kits go fast and I've missed out on quite a few of them for waiting.  So what do I do?

The obvious answer is to knit like the wind and finish things in my drawer of WIPS but that is not going to happen since this weekend I agreed to help a friend finish a 5' shawl in two weeks.  I have a foot done.  Her hands are bothering her and she should not be knitting and it is the least I can do.  But that means all my projects are on hold.

I am an Aries...I have these moments of must-start-something-new and it eats at me until I give in; which, if you look at my WIP and designing drawers you will see proof of this malady I have. But this blanket is so neat how it uses 10 yarns to form all the colors of the rainbow in this beautiful progression of hues flowing into one another.  I have been looking at these kind of patterns for a while now and hemming and hawing because it was a lot of yarn to buy.

But when would I have time to make it?  I mean really?  After I finish this shawl I need to go back to my sister's scarf and while we are on my sister...I need to work on her sweater.  I have Yule gifts from two years ago that I never finished.  The logical person in me...and there is one...is saying that I don't need to buy this kit.

But the little kid in me that will always think a rainbow is the most beautiful of nature's creations, is not ready to give up the dream.

Happy crafting,
Ruinwen
:)

Edited to add:  My friend that I am helping out by knitting the shawl for, has gotten the kit for me for Yule this year.  Problem solved!  I get to knit the beautiful rainbows after I have made a good dent on my WIPS!  Yay!  :)

The Fullness of Time

“No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”

-- Source Unknown

I've had this dream for a while now of having a room for my yarn, patterns, books and everything knitting related.  When dreams come into being it is an amazing thing.  

It will take me a while to get it all organized in these bins but wow!  I can't believe how neat and orderly everything has become.  

My mind has been as cluttered as my yarn lately with moving everything into one room to do the floors.  But now as I start to weave spaces into my house as things are put in their places; I feel much freer...airier even.

It really is no surprise how much yarn I've accumulated over the years.  I never seem to have the right fiber for the project I am on so I had to buy more.  Really...

I'm feeling the itch to design something...but it hasn't gelled into an idea yet. Usually, I dream about a project and then it consumes me for a while.  I'm open and ready.  There is more space to let the ideas in and I love to create new things.

Lately, I've felt this shift within my being that allows the day to flow from one thing to the next in this harmonious way.  There actually seems to be more time to do things; when in fact it is my perception of time that has changed.  I think this happens when my stress dissipates.  it is such a rare occurrence that it seems strange to me.

But since Florida, it is strange to me to feel stressed.  Everything changed on vacation and I have not lost the serenity that apparently hopped into my carry-on and followed me home.

I used to laugh when I would ask spirit for a time frame and all I would hear was "in the fullness of time."  I know what that means now for time is full and fruitful and you can flow with it or fight it.  You can be thankful for the things you were able to do and allow the things that are not yet done to be for another day...or you can fret about all the would haves, should haves and if onlys.

It is almost like I found out this amazing secret that was all around me all these years but I am just seeing it for the first time with new eyes.

So I'm not just going to shove all my yarn onto shelving; I'm going to take time to savor it and maybe I'll remember some of the reasons I bought it in the first place.  Maybe it will take me back to a time that I spent with a special friend or a wonderful class.  

Instead of thinking about all the projects I haven't started...or finished...I will reminisce on the journey that I have taken and each project and skein will be used...in the fullness of time.

Not much to show you right now.  I'm still working on the Pointelle Scarf for my sister.  This has been a tough knit for me.  I originally was making one for my sister and one for me in the colors of spring and cherry blossoms.  My goal was to have them to wear through the tough times in Mom's illness.

Cherry trees used to line the streets of our childhood home and it would look like heaven for a while...it is a cherished memory for both of us.

But a week after I got the yarn, Mom passed away and then I was going to try and hurry and make them both for the funeral but I just couldn't knit.  I really wanted to but I kept making errors and ripping back and I finally just gave up.

I've knit this scarf on and off now for a while.  I'm back into the knitting groove again but I'm trying to keep with the flow of my day as well so the other little things get balanced in there.  My thought on this is it is better to do one repeat a day than to wait for time to knit.  If I do just one repeat a day then the scarf will grow by almost an 1" each day; that is 7 inches a week.  That means that if I can do a repeat each day I should have this done by the end of October at the earliest.  If I bring it to Knit Night, I can whip out a foot or so...if I'm not talking all night.  That will bring my day count down considerably.

My goal is to have both of them done by the time we take Mom's ashes to Hawaii.  Speaking of Hawaii: have I shown you the Guest Room yet?  I got these awesome prints and the whole room just radiates with calming vibes.  I still have to put the net over the drop ceiling and fill it with shells...but the light needs to be fixed...replaced? first.  I really adore this room.  I hope it blesses all who sleep there with that feeling I had in the middle of my vacation where I no longer felt stressed...at...all.

Happy Crafting,
Ruinwen
:)

What a Wonderful Event!

Yesterday I was honored to be a teacher at the Knitter's Day Out event in PA.  It was a really nice event with beautiful knitting from a myriad of local sellers.  I met such awesome people in my class and I am thankful to all of them.  It was such a joy watching all of their colorways knit up; everyone made a different vibrant fabric that was unique and beautiful in its own right.  Plus, I got to spend the day with my sister who I always am blessed to spend time with.  :)

The above sample is knit with something from my stash that I love the slow gradient on; when I finally unpack the living room I can tell you what it is.  I tried to make as many mistakes as I could to show what happens when you pull too tight in linen stitch, but the colors really are lovely, aren't they?

I will be getting my linen stitch pattern Frederick up in a few weeks.  I really like it and after seeing so many beautiful versions of it yesterday; I'd love to see what other lovely colorways are out there. 

Next week I should have more room pictures for you.  After a grueling 4 hours with my Container Store room planner, we have two room organizing systems on order, mine and my sons Lego room.  They even had Lego-themed sorting systems that will be so nice for him to use and we can finally have a place for the 3-foot ship he got earlier this year.  It is all so exciting but it really keeps you busy when you are redoing your house.  A very happy busy, but busy none-the-less.  :)

I hope you all are having a beautiful day!

Happy crafting!

Ruinwen

:)

Where Did the Summer Go?

“I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.” 

― J.R.R. Tolkien

Everyone is different and my grieving experience is going to be totally different from yours.  This summer I tried to start celebrating life more and that's what I've been doing.

Here is Dad's Memorial flag, medals and patches.  I love this box so much.  It fit the flag perfectly, which is what it is supposed to do.  But it made me all kinds of happy.  :)

This year I did something that I have not done in six years, I left my home and went on a real vacation.  We toured Lego Land and then chillaxed at Ormond Beach in Florida and it was the best vacay ever!

Lego Land was indescribably amazing!  There were Lego critters hiding behind every bush, in trees and amid the flora and fauna.   The park was full of things to do and see and everyone found something to enjoy.  They even had allergen-free food fare so I was able to eat.  And the food was delish.  Fresh spit-turned chicken and zucchini and squash with potatoes all cooked in oil, not butter.  We took two days so the second day we could spend getting soaked in the water park which is separate from the main park.  Boy did I get wet...yep totally drenched.  But it was a welcome thing to be wet in the hot Florida sun so I didn't complain.  I had put my entire purse into plastic bags so everything was safe even when I went in the wave pool.  There were places to build and play.  It is built on top of the old Cypress Gardens so the gardens are still there and they are just lovely.  There is an old banyan tree which has the most beautiful energy surrounding it.  Lego Land had something for everyone and we all came away tired but extremely happy.

Next was relaxing at Ormond Beach where we stayed at the almost tropical resort The Lotus Boutique.  This hotel was just beautiful.  Our room faced the ocean and was steps away from the hot tub, fire-pit, cabanas, and pool area.  We stayed there for 8 days and I was so relaxed by Wednesday that my stress all started to melt away.

I confided in my sister about my terrible panic attacks and other things that I was afraid that she would think less of me for and you know what?  Since I have the best sister in the world she loved me all the more for opening up to her and letting her know so she can understand me better during those times I'm making no sense.  Love my siiiiiiister!  :)

It's always ourselves that we find at the sea.  E. E. Cummings

I dragged knitting and stuff across the US to do when I came here and relaxed.  But in relaxing I realized that I wanted to be with my family and nature and enjoy the ocean.  I love the ocean, I always have.  But this trip was different.  Maybe my eyes were open in a way they haven't been before but I felt at one with nature.  The ghost crabs scuttled along the shoreline if one knew where to look; I could have watched them for hours for no reason at all.  A dolphin swam along the sandbar scooping up fish right new to the shore.  Those fish were a silver ribbon as they danced around us in the water.  Pelicans flew in formation and then dove for fish right by us as we bobbed up and down in the surf.  The sea was alive and it spilled into me and refreshed me in a way that nothing else could have.

It was such a glorious vacation but all things must end and when we got back we had a super surprise waiting for us.  My BIL and his kids who have been there for around eight years had moved out.  I was so happy that we could provide the stepping stone that he needed to get his life back on track but it was glorious to have our house back too.  :)

A lot of time has been focused on the house.  We had it painted in color.  My husband and I love color and we picked our hues very carefully for meaning and feeling.  If we had our way there would be no white, no cream, no ecru anywhere in the house.  So getting the entire Basement painted with all the hallways and rooms was such a huge blessing for us.  Next came the floors.  The Basement still had carpet and carpet, in my opinion, is much harder to clean than hardwood. We all have allergies and if we had our way the whole house would be hardwood.  

I love my new Basement!  The Guest Room is a reflection of the ocean and has pictures of Hawaii on the aqua walls.  Eventually, it will have a net over the drop ceiling filled with shells and starfish.  I even got a porthole cling that looks out on an oasis.  This means that my sister can have a safe and dark place to sleep when she comes over and I won't end up on the couch!  Yay!  It also means that my Nana and Pop Pop have a room to stay in as well when they come to visit.  We still need to get a futon or something so they both can come; but hey, this is a work in progress.  

My son is creating a Lego room.  This means all the Legos that are bursting out of his room now have a home.  I know that all of us are happy about that!  Hopefully, this will also allow him a place to film his stop-motion videos that he has been wanting to create.  It will be great to get all of his Legos in one place and I think a bit scary to see how much he actually owns.

Note: this is not all my yarn; this is not even a fourth of my yarn.  lol
But speaking of scary...all my yarn in one room.  Eeek!  I am so happy I will have a Knitting room to store and create in.  I have been gathering skeins, and balls, hanks and cakes from all over the house to be lovingly placed on the easy-hang we will buy this weekend.  I really want to organize everything as I go so that I don't loose stuff.  I need to update my Ravelry stash page since everything is moving too...that will take time.   But it is all happy time and the work makes me smile.  

Everything really has been making me smile.  Having a place for pans or organizing shelves.  Finding something I haven't seen in a while.  It all make me smile.  I love the floors and walls and the other day we had friends over in our Basement and played Catan and it was the happiest moment since in the past just walking in our Basement was an accomplishment.

I think it will take a year to clean up everything...let's not talk about Mom and Dad's stuff in the Garage...but it is a happy thing to make space and let the house breathe again.  :)

I have been knitting but it has been mostly on prayer shawls and this is really all I have to show for all that knitting.  The recipients of the shawls have all loved them though and that is what is really important.

Next week is Knitter's Day Out and I am excited and scared all rolled into one.  My wonderful sister is going with me for moral support and I am so thankful for that.  I know my stuff...I just need to get over these inconvenient fears that crop up.  But when I talk to teachers we all have them because it is a human thing.  So c'est le vie and all that.  I am blessed to have this opportunity to teach and I am honored to be there with such great knitters and teachers.  

So I don't have a bunch of summer knitting or projects to show but I am relaxed and happy and blessed in so many ways that it seems a great trade off.

Have a Happy and Safe Labor Day!
Ruinwen
:)

Finding Focus Again

"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."
-- Nikos Kazantzakis

I have spent the last week trying to put the focus back into my life.  I did not imagine it would be so hard, yet each little thing I can complete feels like a major hurdle and each thing I cannot seem to get done is as it should be.  Baby steps still bring you towards a goal and that gives me a reason to celebrate.

I started taking grape essence this week and I have already noticed a difference.  I have always responded positively to essences and I can't believe I didn't think about taking them until now. But c'est le vie.

I decided to start small by working on the Pointelle scarf from Moorehouse.  I love their yarn it is so sproingy.  I am making this scarf for my sister and then another for myself.  It was supposed to be an easy project, but it has taken me much longer then I thought possible.  I keep mixing up the rows and have spent more time tinking then knitting at this point.

Sometimes it is like that.  But that is okay.  I finally was able to get in a groove at knitting tonight and realized if I just "read" my knitting then I would know where I was.  Duh, right?  I'm always repeating that mantra "read your knitting" in my classes and then I go and forget the basics.  I am just not myself and that is just the way it is.

I accept that and I move forward slowly.  Moving slowly is still moving and that is all that matters. This project is going to be blocked from 55" to 74"; I can't wait to see what comes of that!  And my biggest obstacle is finding the other ball.  May the Gods be kind and help me to remember where I stashed it away for safekeeping.  lol

I love this green that is so fresh and full of life.  I like the look of it on the pavers; it reminds me of lichen or some moss that thrives in this wet climate we've had as of late.  My sister loves greens so I am hoping this will be a delightful little scarf that she can wear when it is just a bit cool.  For myself, I chose the peach color since it reminds me of the cherry blossoms in the spring.  When we wear them together she will be the leaves and I will be the flowers and since cherry blossoms are a cherished memory from our youth; this will be such a special set of scarves.

I wish you all a safe and Happy Fourth of July as our nation celebrates another birthday!  

Ruinwen

:)

Meh

I feel much like this poor snow shovel in our front bed; stuck, mired by forces that are holding me back and I can't seem to break free of them.  All I can seem to muster is a whole lot of "meh" and I don't know why.  Every day I look at my knitting and want to knit and every day I find a reason not to pick it up.  But there is a part of me that needs to pick it up, and still, I just can't seem to find the power to do so.

Apparently, for some, this is part of the grieving process and is perfectly normal as long as it lessens as the months go by.  All the questions they asked me which would determine if I am struggling with issues I can't conquer, I passed.

I am sleeping.  I am eating.  I am going to work and doing as much as I ever did before.  I talk to my son every night while he is away and cuddle with my husband as much as possible.  I wash my clothes and dishes and continue to eat as healthy as I can.  I still take time once a week to allow time for spirit and to talk to Mom and Dad.  I pet and love my cats and enjoy the company of my friends.

I don't know what this major quagmire is that is holding me bound and how to honor it or fight it or whatever.  Is my inaction an action that is necessary for my healing?   The Japanese use the term arugamama for the state of accepting things as they "are".  They counsel instead of worrying about this state of "meh", to just ride the waves of emotion and put my energies into the things they do want to flow into.  By not "feeding" the "meh" emotion it will subside on its own and soon I will be happy to pick up my needles again without hesitation.  This is the theory anyway.

In truth, this has happened to me before and loss was not involved.  I just put down my needles for three months and had no interest in picking them up.  I never really found out why; I just did it and moved on and then one day I picked them up and I really haven't stopped knitting, until two weeks ago when it became hard to pick up my needles again.

I find it strange when there are things I need to knit...want to knit...long to knit and I'm just not...knitting.  I'm not mad at myself or berating myself for this lack of inertia.  I am just being and living and doing other things for the moment.  My needles will be patient as they always are.  If knitting were not a pursuit of patience then all my WIPs would get up and walk away for lack of interest.  Thankfully this is not the case or I would be out a lot of beautiful projects.

I have found in my many years of knitting, that it is a healer of body, mind and soul.  There is more than just a fabric that is being woven as one knits.  The calming click of the sound of needles following a rhythmic dance can soothe the soul.  Knitting can be savored; each stitch a benediction of color and texture or it can be rushed as prayers who are rote and memorized and whose meaning has been forgotten in the repetition.

One can be serious about their knitting and aim for a near-perfect project (perfection can only be achieved by the Gods) or one can just be content with what they have done and know that their knitting will not judge them.  Knitting is loyal that way.  One can come home after a long day and pick up their needles and it is just like the last time.  The needles will warm to their hands in a welcoming way and there is a simple unspoken gratification in that.

The only rule in knitting is to follow your own path.  If you choose to knit your stitches through the back; then do so and love the resulting fabric.  Whatever is your truth; embrace it.  Look at Cat Bordhi, she knits everything her way and loves every minute of it.  Some of the ideas that come out of her brain are so amazing  I wonder how she thought of them.

The world is full of amazing knitters; some that I am blessed to call friends.  While many times you may knit alone know that each stitch connects you to a greater community of wonderful people who all share your love of this craft.  One look on Ravelry (a social site for knitters) and you can see that you are not alone; the world is full of knitters.

In the old days, women had their sewing circles where they would commune and gather and talk and craft.  They knew that being part of a community was important to their health and well being and that truth is still relevant today.  Most people are social creatures and need interaction with others to round out their mental well being.  The group I go to is full of women who I call sister; people who I share secrets, devastating losses and radiant joys with.  I love my group; my extended fiber family.  Each week we craft and share our lives and it feels somehow...right.

I know this hiatus is temporary, for I know that knitting is too big a part of my life to ever stop.  I have created a tapestry which reaches back through time and honors my ancestors, I have reached into the present and created a family made of fiber and friendships and I have most importunately delved into myself and found something that resonates with every (excuse the pun) fiber of my being.   I am a knitter and that is the simplest truth.

The feeling of "meh" will pass with time and my fingers will find needles in them soon enough.  For now, I will honor this time, for whatever reason it is necessary, and I will accept it as the way things are.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

Acceptance

One of my favorite designers for children's knit-wear is Pixie Purls.  I have watched her grow as a knitter through her blog and I love her patterns.  They are well written and presented in a lovely format; not to mention they are usually graced by her adorable kids! 

When my son said his teacher was having a baby I reached for one of my favorite gift items Country Kiddie. This is a quick knit that is just adorable.  I made this up in a few days and since most of it is knit, it makes a lovely travel project that you don't have to worry about where you are in the pattern.

The yarn I used was Simplicity by Hikoo.  I love the way the colors flow in this yarn.  The top part is #511 Woody Turquoise and the bottom is #512 Still Waters.  The feel of this yarn is really nice and it holds stitch definition really well.  The colors are vivid and bright and slowly meld into each other so there are no jagged stripe lines.  Plus, this is a super-wash blend which, is perfect for infant wear IMHO.  I needed two balls and I didn't have matching color-ways so I blended the blues and greens and hoped for the best.  I adore the result; that bright blue is in both color-ways and it really ties them together.  This is a cute top-down summer top that can provide a layer of warmth or just add spice to any babies wardrobe.

It was nice to finish something.  I feel like I'm all over the place with everything and I just can't get focused.  I think this is what grieving feels like.  When Dad died there was Mom to take care of and I focused all my energy into that.  I took care of the bills, appointments and paperwork that some days reduced me to tears.  Every time I wrote a check this feeling of losing Dad hit me and I cried...every time.  I fielded calls and made decisions that hopefully were in Mom's best interest.  Goodness knows I tried to make sure her needs were met and mostly that she knew that we were there and loved her very much.

Now the job is done and the woman I was caring for is gone and that is hitting me hard.  With this back-lash of emotion is more grief over Dad being gone as well.  I'm ordering a flag holder...I have been saying this since I was given the flag at his funeral.  I finally found one I liked that I can put his fruit salad (medals) below the flag and it will be really nice.

That's how my mind is working...no real focus on any one thing.  Sometimes I have to talk myself into things.  I was putting away clothes the other day when I saw the flag sitting there and looked at the wall with all my family and I just became so tired; I had to remind myself that doing the laundry blesses the family, which, blesses me in turn.

At my core, I believe that I am blessed.  When I was pretty young I cut out a saying and put it on our fridge at home, "Be happy you have a house to do chores around."

We once sponsored a child who was happy to have a tin roof.  She felt like royalty because all the animals could stay dry with her family during the rainy season.  A tsunami destroyed her village; thank the Goddess she survived.  All she had was the clothes on her back.  The tsunami had come so quickly and there were no alerts where she lived to tell her to evacuate.

I think about these things when I fold my clothes because we are all connected.  I have outfits for every day of the week and then some and others have one outfit to their name.  This doesn't make me better than anyone or richer or whatever status label the media might want to give me.  It does make me feel blessed to have choices and colors and different textures to wear.

I know that I am blessed in so many ways.  When you flip that coin there is a great gaping hole in me that makes it hard to focus on the good because all I can feel is the loss.  Hospice kept calling me and wanted me to come in for counseling; and I finally talked to someone.  I'm not really sure why, but I thought it couldn't hurt.  If you look at things Mom hasn't even been gone for two months so I think I'm doing really well with the whole grieving thing.

My counselor told me that I really haven't grieved which, I guess this post kinda sums up in a way.  He told me to take time to grieve, to cry and let all that stuff that I keep in me out and take time to live and celebrate life...like a vacation.  So, I am doing both as well as making another appointment to talk to him again.

On Wednesday, my spiritual bath night, I took time to sit with Mom and Dad and talk to them and without me really trying the tears started to fall and I cried for a while.  I know that grieving is different for everyone, but these tears felt different than the "missing you" tears that I shed during the funeral weeks.

I'm going to try and do this each week and I guess I will know when I am done when the tears stop falling.  But I think I will make a weekly check-in with my parents as a new kind of ritual.  After I do my weekly reading I will just sit and talk with them for a while.

I talk to them all the time about everything.  But maybe with a purpose behind it, this can be something bigger?  I don't know.  I'm just trying to make sense of my feelings, which is not so easy right now.

And while I have moments of inertia where I just want to do nothing; that is pretty normal for me.  If you look at my WIPs and list of patterns I want to finish...they are quite extensive...but life keeps getting in the way and then there is a new class that needs prep for or a deadline I have to meet.  So, I'm not beating myself up about anything.  Everything always gets done in the fullness of time if it is meant to be.

But the vacation is booked and that is a load off.  Thank you to my wonderful friend who helped me through this maze of hotels...rental cars...amusement parks...oceans and airlines.  You really gave me a beautiful gift when I needed it most.  Hugs!

So at the beginning of the week I was scattered and tearful but now the skies are the ones with tears and I feel cleansed and ready to focus on my life again.  I have a bit of catching up to do but I'm the daughter of a Mother who sewed her dress on the way to her wedding,  so you know that I can do something as simple as knock out a pattern and a few WIPS.  :)

Love to you all,
May your days be full of happy moments,
Ruinwen
:)

Knitting Cruise

Forgive my shameless plug for my cruise; but I'm really excited and it will be a very thorough class on learning about lace.

Some points we will cover:

In this class the student will explore lace construction.  We will:

• break down a pattern and examine the results from different elements of design: decreases, increases, bias and negative and positive space
• learn about the different tools that are used in lace creation and why they are important
• learn why natural fibers are the best yarns to use for lace and how to block them so their projects will bloom
• look at samples of lace and swatches to create a better understanding of lace and how it works
• learn casting on and binding off techniques
• learn how to fix mistakes and read knitting
• look at different ways that lace shawls can be knit
• create a lace shawlette using all the above knowledge
• empower the knitter to feel comfortable exploring the world of lace

Join me in the Summer of 2014 on the Royal Caribbean's Oasis of the Seas for 7 nights in the Western Caribbean in exotic ports of call.  Book early for great rates; instruction, yarn, needles and pattern are included.

If you are interested; please contact Donna.  She is the masterful travel agent behind this voyage and a very good friend of mine.  She will take good care of you.  See you there!

contact-Donna 866-418-8163
dshapiro.cruiseone.com
or e-mail-dshapiro@cruiseone.com

Sunday's post will run as usual.  Thank you for your indulgence.
Ruinwen
:)

Rosemary

"There are some things, after all, that Sally Owens knows for certain: Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Add pepper to your mashed potatoes. Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can.” 

― Alice Hoffman, Practical Magic

In years past I have always had some rosemary by the front door.  I love the smell of it; that deep woodsy aroma that always makes me take a moment to pause and count my blessings.  Rosemary is effective in bringing a feeling of well-being and an increase in energy.  It is known as an antidepressant and a tonic to soothe the nerves.  It is a wonderful herb to aid people with anxiety or depression.

Rosemary, like most of the aromatic herbs, is good for digestion which, makes it a wonderful herb to cook with.  I love to steep a sprig of it in oil or vinegar for a few weeks.  The resulting liquid is so aromatic and adds a dash of flavor to roasted veggies or salads.  

I have always loved herbs and how different and individual they can be.  It is one of the reasons I worked so hard for my ND (Doctor of Naturopathy).  In days past I used to have shelves of herbs for physical ailments and spiritual uses.  I miss that.  In the past, I had a huge herb garden and I miss that too.  I miss the colors as the plants bloom, I miss being able to take a sprig here or there.  I miss watching nature unfold before my eyes.

You see all of our planters now are home to termite stations and the herbs would be inedible.  So for the past few years, I was at a loss what to do.  I bought these containers that have a place for the rain to gather and store.  We've been known to have drought conditions where to water your garden is to break the law, so this container is perfect.  The soil whisks up the water from below and keeps my plants happy even in a drought.  

This weekend I bought six little herbs: rosemary, thyme, lavender, nasturtium, sage and basil.  My wonderful sister helped me haul mulch and plant herbs and it made me feel so...centered to have a garden again.  With there six herbs I can make a myriad of things.  Lavender oil is good for so many things: a few drops in a bath can help to loosen up tight muscles, a few drops in a foot-bath can help with fatigue and inhaling lavender's scent can help to relieve stress and anxiety.

Nasturtium is a great source of vitamin C, stimulates the digestive system and can aid in regulating metabolism as well.  The herb contains the same antibiotic, anti-fungal, antiviral, and antibacterial properties that can be found in mustard.  You can eat the leaves, flowers and seeds as each of these have a different flavor.

Thyme is another of those scents that I just love; I can feel the stress melting away every time I smell that intense aroma.  Thyme has thymol which has antiseptic and anti-fungal properties.  It is very effective as a throat gargle for sore throats.  If you can't stand the strong taste then cooking thyme in a nice broth and then straining out the herbs can be very soothing.  Thyme contains potassium, iron, manganese, calcium, magnesium and selenium.  Thyme also provides vitamin B6 which helps brain function and resistance against free radicals.   It can be added to almost any dish for a burst of flavor.

Sage has such beautiful flowers.  Sage is a wonderful in a tea for congestion, cough or sore throats.  It is an appetite stimulant that is delicious in sauces, flavoring meats and adding that "special touch" to stuffing.  Also, it's beautiful green leaves can be dried and used for smudging which is a shamanic way of cleansing an area or object through purifying smoke.  I love the smell of sage wafting through the house balancing the energies and bringing tranquility to our home.

Last but not least is basil.  Basil is a natural anti-inflammatory, it is good for stabilizing blood sugars, improving breathing and is high in antioxidants.  Spiritually it is connected to fire and that helps to explain the peppery taste.  Basil blended into a paste becomes pesto.  Everyone makes theirs different but I like a lot of garlic, some parsley, a little thyme, black pepper, EVO and a whole lot of cheese.  Blend it all together and let the flavors meld overnight and you have a sauce for pasta or veggies that can help to boost the immune system.

Of course, this is only a snippet of what each herb can do.  While I have used these herbs for all the purposes that I have stated here:  YOU SHOULD CONSULT WITH A HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL BEFORE STARTING ANY HERBAL SUPPLEMENT PROGRAM. 

All material and information presented here is for educational purposes only. The information on this site is general in nature and is not intended to substitute for the advice provided by your own physician or other healthcare professional and is not intended to treat, cure or prevent any condition or disease.

Sorry, I had to say that.  But everyone is different and people are on medications and have allergies and only a physician can tell you if herbs will work with your chemical make-up.

That said if the spirit moves you, plant some herbs and see what the different flavors do to spice up your food.  I'm having pork with thyme and rosemary tonight that has been cooking for hours and is sure to melt in my mouth.  Yumm!

May your life be full of flavor,

Ruinwen

:)

Do Or Do Not There Is No Try

"To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard of life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, live, and love."
-- Leo Buscaglia

In the past, I talked about how I was stuck in this no-win situation.  I was afraid to fail; I was scared to succeed   I had talked myself into a stalemate where I just couldn't win.  But, I'm over that.  I have opened up the flood-gates to the Universe to help me in creating a better self and I am open to whatever they send to me.

I've been teaching, designing, planning a knitting cruise (more on that in later posts) and now I'm honored to be teaching at Knitter's Day Out.  My bio is on the same page as so many wonderful knitters and I'm just kind of pinching myself.  This really is a dream come true to be able to teach in such a wonderful venue surrounded by such amazing talent.

I am doubly happy that I will be able to teach the pattern the Frederick Shawl that honors my parents.  I can't really show the shawl yet so the little slice of linen stitch above will have to suffice for now.  I am so elated with the flow of this pattern.

This is Schaefer's Miss Priss in Gertrude Elion.  Schaefer is one of my favorite yarns for so many reasons.  Their colorways are named after famous women.  The yarn is so vibrant and wonderful to work with.  Sadly, Schaefer closed it's doors last year that is why I have no link for them.  I've been buying all the last stock that my LYS has, since this wonderful yarn will soon only be a memory woven in my projects and sitting in my stash.

Speaking of my stash, I tried to organize it a bit.  I swear I think the wool actually is breeding in my craft boxes, or maybe I just keep buying in my sleep.  Hmmmm.  I'm also working on organizing my patterns as well.  I've been taking all my silly notes and problem solving for my patterns and keeping them in a folder with sides and I put all my swatches in there as well.  That way my whole creative process is right there in one place.

Most of the week I spent organizing; there is always so much to do!  I've been trying to catch up on all the little things that I've let slide and I was able to take care of quite a few of them.

This week I have been happy to eat the produce as it comes in season.  We had such horrible bitter tomatoes this winter that it really forced me to eat foods that were more in season like squash and zucchini.  But now, there are radishes and tomatoes without all that acid available again and it makes me very happy.  I created a little salad for myself with gluten-free/dairy-free cheese and a safe dressing of berries and vinegar and it was so good.  I love salads.  I just have to be so careful with everything.

Right after Christmas, I started a food elimination program to help determine why I was doubling over in pain after meals.  For the first month, I ate nothing but all whole foods containing none of the big four contaminants: gluten, dairy, fructose and yeast.  This was a hard diet to maintain.  I found the foods I could eat and that was it.

I started to really look into food.  I've always been conscious about my dining decisions but I really had to dig deep into each food to see what might be lurking inside.  For instance chicken; many chickens are injected with things even though they say "all-natural".  I couldn't trust anything.  So this was truly an eye-opening experience to my food consumption.

I tested each of the "big four" and if a test was negative I could add that food back in.  It was a long process and now I know that I am dairy intolerant (not just lactose) and gluten intolerant.  This is on top of my citrus allergy which is much more dangerous.

So for the past few months I've been adjusting to this new diet and I've been working out what I can eat.  The biggest thing is cheese.  I miss my cheese; so I've been trying the soy cheeses and I've found one that melts and tastes pretty good.  It comes in a few flavors and I still have to try the cream cheese.  The crumbles melted and stretched like mozzarella should.   The pepper-jack had a nice heat to it and melts like a dream on my tuna.

But my biggest regret was all the deserts that I wouldn't be able to eat anymore.  In rushes Sterling Sweets to the rescue!  Their deserts are gluten free, dairy free, vegan, casein free, soy free, sesame free, peanut and tree nut free, refined sugar free and Kosher!  I find them all so delectable.  My favorite is the Coconut Chocolate Bars...they are like the This-over-that squares my Mom used to make.  I put in an order each week and they come fresh right from the kitchen.

So, all these diet restrictions take getting used to but I'm working my way through them to find a healthy balance.  I've lost that five pounds I couldn't lose and I've been maintaining my weight for about three months now.  At some point I'd like to start working out again but for now I just have to be content with the calories burned while knitting; which for my height and weight is 30 calories per hour.

Have a safe and beautiful Memorial weekend.
Ruinwen
:)

Frederick

Mastery does not come from dabbling.  We have to be prepared to pay the price.  We need to have the sustained enthusiasm that motivates us to give our best.
- Eknath Easwaran

I have been obsessed in trying to figure something out.  Every day I have my swatches, charts and notes out and every day I am defeated by math and the universe.  But I don't give up.  Usually after a week of watching me try and fail my hubby will step in with some great ideas.  If Friday rolls around and I still don't have an answer then I'll ask the knitting girls for some input.  If all else fails; I close my eyes, quiet my soul and pray.

Sometimes it seems that these obsessions of mine are a hindrance, but truly they help to motivate me and propel me forward.  They force me to question and think about things in a way that I might not have ever thought about.

And while I'm in this "special" place where I'm out of my box and my routines I see things from an enlightened perspective.  It was from this "place" that I cleaned my altar room on Saturday.  I celebrated and mourned, I laughed and wept.  I held each of my treasures and lovingly dusted them off and remembered why they were there before placing them back.  I made sure that Mom had her bracelet and Dad had his dog-tags.  I found the letters that were hidden behind his picture and wept again.  All the time I was playing spiritual music and singing when the spirit moved me and this cathartic act of simply cleaning and remembering changed everything.  Time had stopped for me and when I emerged from my cocoon I realized three hours had passed in what seemed like a half an hour to me.

But then life happened and I left the "special" place until much later in the week.  I had been fiddling with an idea that had suddenly popped into my head but there was no real-time to test it. At dinner, I showed it to my husband on a napkin and he showed me his idea and there it sat.

After my spiritual bath, I usually pick a tarot card and then meditate for a bit before going to bed but instead, I looked at my beautifully clean altar and looked into Mom and Dad's eyes and felt a stirring of compassion and love; like a hug but with more to it.  Once again I got out a pen and began to write out the pattern I was trying to crack line by line; but this time, it worked.

So I've decided to dedicate this shawl pattern, Frederick, (which will be kinda "hush-hush" until after I teach it) to my beloved parents.

Here is the blurb part of my pattern:

"This shawl is dedicated to my beloved parents who taught me to read at a very young age.  Frederick by Leo Lionni, is a book about a mouse who stored away things for the cold winter days like sunshine, words and colors.  My hope is that on those gray days that pass through our lives you can take out this shawl and its colors will bring you joy."

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for everything!  You were always there for me; even now I can feel your love and support; your compassion and your kindness.  I love you now and forever.

May your crafts be full of color that make you smile,
Ruinwen
:)

The Lives We Weave

Our life is composed greatly from dreams, from the unconscious, and they must be brought into connection with action.  They must be woven together.
-Anais Nin

In my last post, I talked about how my Mom planted seeds in me that have been growing for quite a while now.  My love of knitting has only grown over the years and I suspect it always will be a huge part of me. I believe that it reaches down into my DNA since my ancestors knitted too.  When I visited my Great-Aunt I saw my first glimpse of a stash.  She housed more yarn than most stores I had visited.  She knit every spare moment she had and I was told by a visitor that one cannot leave her house without being gifted a pair of slippers.

So this love of knitting is woven within me; the past and present come together in this beautiful tapestry of fiber, creativity and family.  In my life, I seem to be drawn to other crafters who help to weave another row into my life that bring friendship, diversity and community.  My students add another layer that allows me to push myself to learn new things that I can share and to be patient as my students teach me.  Each row, every layer creates an even more beautiful fabric then I could have ever imagined.  Each day offers me new opportunities to learn, to grow and to teach.

In the fiber that I work with surges the elements; air, fire, water and earth.  The sheep eat grasses that have been kissed by the sun, blessed by rain and nurtured by gentle winds.  It seeps into their wool binding them to nature's dance.  That wool is harvested by people, carded, spun and made into fiber.  That fiber is packaged and distributed and somehow ends up in my hands.

The wool I knit with now, like every strand of fiber I have, has a story and people, creatures and elements weave that story into what I now hold.  As I hold this fiber my life intertwines with theirs and I feel the tug of the community through my craft.  This is one reason I really like MD Sheep and Wool festival; I love to see the people who are making the yarn that I will be using.  I like to talk to them about their sheep, goats, alpacas, angoras...etc.  I love to hear the care and love that they have for their creatures; it endears them to me and I can feel that love every time I knit a stitch.

I've always wanted to knit some Cormo.  I love a good Merino and the Cormo is in the same fiber family.  It is a cross between the Corriedale and Saxon Merino. This year Bijou Basin Ranch was there to make my dreams come true.  I got Bijou Bliss which is 50 yak and 50 Cormo and feels soft like a dream but full of bounce so I know it will drape beautifully.

Then I found a pure Cormo skein from Lavender Hill Farm and I bought that too.  Note:  I couldn't find any Cormo on their web page right now but they said that they would be carrying it in the future.  They have a ton of other wonderful yarns in a myriad of fibers.  I found out that they are more or less local too, so that was nice to know.  The Cormo is so squishable; I just adore it.  So thank you to the universe for allowing me to experience this wonderful fiber in two different ways!  :)

In other news, I'm working on something new.  This is the linen stitch.  A knit stitch that is very deceptive.  It looks and feels like a fabric that has been woven.  Really, I wish you could feel this swatch.  It feels smooth on the right side and would feel fabulous on the skin.  The other side is full of little bumps that you can feel in the fabric.  It is an interesting stitch.

As you can see, I have been playing around with color to see what would happen.  Changing the colors every two rows makes a kind of checkerboard effect; which I think would be really lovely with a solid and variegated yarn alternated throughout the fabric.

Linen stitch is really, really easy IMHO.  Once you memorize where the yarn should be held for the slips, it flows like any other stitch.  This stitch tends to be tight so you might find going up a needle size or two will be helpful in stopping it from pulling too tight and curling.  Also, this stitch is awesome with pooling yarns as it breaks up the colorway and disperses it throughout the rows.

Linen stitch is just two rows over and over.  This is the pattern for knitting on straights.  An even number of stitches have been loosely cast on.

Row #1:     *K1, sl1 with the yarn held in front (WYIF)* repeat ** to end of row
Row #2:     *P1, sl1 with the yarn held in back (WYIB)* repeat ** to end of row

All slips are done purlwise regardless of whether the yarn is in the front or the back.  Each row will end with a slipped stitch and the yarn will have to be returned to the front (purl) or the back (knit) for the next stitch.

On circulars it becomes easier since your purl row is now a knit stitch. Again this pattern is for an even number of stitches.


Row #1:     *sl1 (WYIF), K1* repeat ** to end of round
Row #2:     *K1, sl1  (WYIF)* repeat ** to end of round


All slips are still done purlwise when circulars are used.

And that's it!

There are many ways to bind off linen stitch.

Some people use a knit two stitches pass the 2nd stitch over the first stitch bind off; yet there is many complaints about this edge being too tight.  I find sometimes this can be alleviated by using a needle that is one or two sizes up from the current one used to knit the fabric.

Some knit 2 stitches together and put that stitch back on the needle.  Then the process is repeated until the last stitch.  This will make a looser bind off; but there are still complaints about that as well.

My personal loose bind-off  is to knit two stitches move them from the right-hand needle to the left, slipping them tip to tip and knit them through the back loops.  Move the resulting stitch back to the left-hand needle and knit the next two stitches through the back loops.  Continue in this manner until all stitches are bound off.  This is a really stretchy bind off.   This is what I used in the swatch photo.

Some people bind off in pattern by slipping a stitch, then knitting a stitch and then passing the slip stitch over the knit stitch on the right-hand needle.  Then you would slip the next stitch and pass the 2nd stitch on the right-hand needle over that one and so forth until you had bound off all stitches.  This is said to produce a lovely bind off that helps keep the flow of the linen stitch.

I read a blog of a Russian knitter who found the original bind off she used unsettling and created her own.  Her post on it is here.

In the end it what you prefer; so experiment and find what you like.  I think I will put in a life-line before I start trying the different methods so I don't rip back and make a mess.  :)

Happy crafting!
Ruinwen
:)

Remembering Mom

Here is the memory board we did for Mom.  I think it captured her life through the years.

This has been a long week but we have been taking it one day at a time.  My sister and I have been inseparable since last Friday and I think we are both working through the grief and trying to celebrate the wonderful woman that was our Mother.

Everything happened so quickly, but that means she didn't suffer and that is a blessing.  

We found a sweater in her drawer that was huge and I fell in love with the yarn.  It was six strands of different colors all knitted together and I thought I could reclaim the yarn.  

This is me and my sis trying to figure out how in the heck they put this vest together.  Not pictured is my awesome hubby who helped us.  It took us SIX hours to reclaim this vest.  Once we started we couldn't stop and it was 1 am when we finally were rewarded with many, many balls of yarn.

So moral of the story is that a vest made of intarsia is probably not worth reclaiming no matter how awesome the colors are.  :)

It was my beloved Mom who taught me how to knit so many years ago.  Forgive me if I've already told you this.  She had me knit a scarf out of ugly orange yarn for the homeless.  I hated my stitches and ripped it out over and over.  But, I finished that scarf and there was pride in that act.

Little did I know that a year later when I passed some yarn I would want to knit again.  The creative seeds that had been planted were growing and shaping my destiny without me even being aware.  I started thinking about making another scarf and the next one I made was black and simple but the yarn was yummy and I didn't rip as much.

Each time I went back to knitting it became more and more enjoyable until I wanted to try something new and that was the purl stitch.  After that, the world of knitting opened up to me like a flower blooming in the springtime.

So thank you, Mom, for giving me something that has seen me through the hard times and helped me to cherish the good times.  Thank you for teaching me something that reaches down into my roots and connects me with my ancestors every time I make a stitch.  Thank you for giving me something that lets me honor you with each project and every smile that a new yarn brings as I start something or get a new idea.  I love you...now and forever.

My sister and I want to thank all of you for your love and support over the last week.  We are blessed by our cyber family and we send hugs to all of you!

Happy Crafting,
Ruinwen
:)