One of Those Days

"The responsibility for both present and future is in our own hands. If we live right today, then tomorrow has to be right."
Eknath Easwaran

I'm having one of those incredibly bad days where from the moment you wake up everything feels off. I keep trying to say things and it is like I have to recall the stuff from my brain to be able to form thoughts. I keep doing things wrong and then have to redo them...usually more then once. I feel like I'm in this fog and can't focus enough to get out. It is very frustrating.

It is easy on days like today to cry, "woe is me" and just give up to the despair that seems right around the corner. But I won't. I can't let that feeling of hopelessness take hold again in my life.

So I take a moment to breathe and look at the trees turning outside the window. I take a minute to count my blessings and that turns into quite a long contemplation. The "fog" is still with me but the negative feelings have passed.

As Hannah Montana sings,

Everybody makes mistakes

Everybody has those days
Everybody knows what, what? I'm talkin? 'bout
Everybody gets that way

A simple song with a powerful message because somewhere across the globe or down the street someone else's day has started off on the wrong foot and they are feeling just like me. I send them some love and light and ask the Goddess to send them a messenger of hope so they won't become lost in a moment of confusion and doubt.

It's so much easier to let the negative feelings swallow you alive then to fight them. And sometimes you get so tired arguing with your inner being that it just seems easier to just give in.

But that is not me...and not today.

I did an entire chakra reboot using the Reiki symbol for past life regression. It can change the way the events effected you at the time...so in essence you can change the past.

Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view.

Obi-Wan, Star Wars

History is written by the conquers...and that doesn't necessarily mean that is the truth. Why then can't we "rewrite" the way that events shaped our lives? If our truth is based upon our point of view, then what if our view was to shift 180 degrees?

A king has the blind men of the capital brought to the palace, where an elephant is brought in and they are asked to describe it.

"When the blind men had each felt a part of the elephant, the king went to each of them and said to each: 'Well, blind man, have you seen the elephant? Tell me, what sort of thing is an elephant?"

The men assert the elephant is either like a pot (the blind man who felt the elephants' head), a winnowing basket (ear), a plowshare (tusk), a plow (trunk), a granary (body), a pillar (foot), a mortar (back), a pestle (tail) or a brush (tip of the tail).

The men cannot agree with one another and come to blows over the question of what it is like and their dispute delights the king. The Buddha ends the story by comparing the six blind men to preachers and scholars who are blind and ignorant and hold to their own views: "Just so are these preachers and scholars holding various views blind and unseeing.... In their ignorance they are by nature quarrelsome, wrangling, and disputatious, each maintaining reality is thus and thus."

The Buddha then speaks the following verse:

O how they cling and wrangle, some who claim

For preacher and monk the honored name!

For, quarreling, each to his view they cling.

Such folk see only one side of a thing.

So in this vein of thought I have been taking my past and turning it this way and that and looking at if from a different view. I've found that most of my thinking around certain events is indeed "one-sided". With that insight I am able to go back and look at things from outside myself and see them in a different light.

It is a slow process wrought with emotion and sometimes the feelings rise up to choke me...but I push them back down into the past and remind myself that these are the shadows of things that have been. They can not hold me in the present unless I let them.

Last Saturday was another of those days where nothing was working. I was trying to bead a leaf and failing at every turn. But after four hours I finally had something I was happy with. I've written down the pattern so I can do it again. I'm glad I kept up with it and didn't give up when I really, really wanted to.

I'm still plugging away on the blanket. I'm on my 4th color now. It is mindless zen kind of knitting that can be done anywhere. It is nice to have a project like that once and a while. It is nice not to think of counting or charting for this project. I think my mind needed the break.

I hope you all enjoy the first weekend of October.

Bright blessings and happy crafting,

Ruinwen

:)

I Welcome In The Fall

Happy Autumnal Equinox...Happy Mabon...Happy Second Harvest!

Normally at this time of year I feel defeated on one hand by all I didn't get done over the Summer and giddy on the other at all the blessings I have in my life.

I think I will skip the defeated emotions and move on to the giddy.

I am surrounded by wonderful people. I am blessed to know so many beautiful souls...some only through words and pictures on a screen...but all of them enrich my life in so many ways.

My home, though over-crowded at times, is so beautiful now with her coat of paint and accessories to match. I feel this great sense of peace surrounded by all that purple. lol

I took a hiatus from my projects this summer and worked on charity blankets and then stuff for Mom. I did at least a row every day even during the hottest... driest summer ever...and got quite a lot done.

I got to watch my little boy start taking on more responsibility and become eager to be more. We took time to play since our time is limited by academics during the school year...and as a family we had a lot of fun.

DH as always is my rock. He always takes on life's challenges with enthusiasm and gusto. It was wonderful having so much time with him and watch him really enjoy making the miters for our baseboard...ya know men and power-tools. lol

It really was a wonderfully productive and fun summer. :)

But now it is Fall. And Fall to me is all about vivid hues...tantalizing tastes...and magic.

Every year the squirrels leave me a perfect acorn that I keep on the altar until the next year to remind me that even the mighty oak starts as a small acorn. Everything for that oak to be is in that little acorn. Just like in all of us is great potential to be so much more if we choose.

Squirrels also teach us to gather up tools and supplies for the cold days ahead. So it is time for me to decide what things I want to work on this Winter.

When I finish this lapghan for Mom I want to get back to Dianna. And I already have the yarn for that project...so I'm good to go.

I figure there is no sense in making this huge list. I started the Summer vowing to work on WIPs...and I got quite a few done...and then things changed and I worked on other projects. I think it is better to give myself the whole Winter to finish one thing then make a long list.

And right now at the start of Fall; I'm not exactly sure where I want my path to go in the season of ice and dare I even say it...snow. So I'm going to meditate on what I need to squirrel away for the cold's Winter's days.

This weekend I made this awesome simple dish which you could change up anyway you want.

Take a piece of sausage for each person - we used Bratwursts...they were not overpowering yet had a nice flavor. Take an apple for each person - We used red delicious...which I do not recommend...we are going to try it again with a granny smith...I think that will be much better.

1 tbs thyme

1 tsp pepper to taste

2 tbs real maple syrup

1/2 cup rice per person - but it could be any grain like quinoa or bulgar

Cook the sausage...and make rice.

Take the apples and de-core them. DH wants to try them without skin this time but it is up to you if you skin them...and cut them into bite sized pieces.

If you want use the pan you cooked the sausage in after pouring off the oil...or use a tbs of olive oil in a new pan.

Put in the apples, thyme and pepper. Let the apples cook for five minutes then drizzle in the maple syrup.

Let that cook until the apples are tender. Keep stirring because that sugar will burn if left unattended.

When the apples are cooked. Add the sausage and rice and stir to coat. Let the whole thing meld for another five minutes and serve. Enjoy!

I've really been trying to make one thing a weekend from scratch. I love to cook. My parents always made food into a celebration and I enjoy a good meal that has a lot of parts and dances on your tongue.

Here is the recipe I made for our knitting group. I love mushrooms and this came out delish.

Mushrooms stuffed with Sage Pesto

1 - Cup fresh sage leaves
1 - Cup fresh parsley leaves
4 - Cloves garlic
1/3 - Cup, plus 2 teaspoons freshly grated Parmesan cheese
1 - Teaspoon salt
1/2 - Cup olive oil
1 - Cup walnuts
1 - Cup browned bread crumbs
Fresh ground pepper to taste
Twenty 2 1/2 inch mushrooms, cleaned and stemmed

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F

Put the sage, parsley, garlic, 1/3 cup of the cheese and salt in the bowl of a food processor, and pulse until combined. Gradually add the oil. Finally, add the walnuts and pulse until they are minced.

While you are pulsing the sage pesto brown the crumbs. This will take a long time and you cannot stop stirring them for long. If you want to add a bit of butter to help them brown; add it first and let it melt to liquid then add the crumbs stirring to coat as many as possible. You want them a deep brown. Take them out of the pan as soon as they are done so they can start cooling.

Transfer the pesto mixture to a bowl and stir in the bread crumbs. Season with pepper and check the salt. The filling should be quite pungent as the mushrooms will absorb a lot of flavor. If the mixture is dry and crumbly, add a little water.

Brush the pan with oil and the top of each mushroom around the cap with oil.

Fill the mushrooms caps with the sage pesto and sprinkle with the remaining Parmesan. Arrange the mushroom caps on a baking sheet and place in the oven for 15 minutes. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Note: If you have leftover filling you can use it to crust chicken, fish or steak. We tried it with chicken and it was delish.

Now I'm hungry. lol

Have a beautiful weekend blessed by the spirit of harvest and thanksgiving.

Ruinwen

:)

Authentic Success

“No set goal achieved satisfies. Success only breeds a new goal. The golden apple devoured has seeds. It is endless.”

--Bette Davis

Taken from Simple Abundance - A Daybook of Comfort and Joy; by Sarah Ban Breathnach

Authentic success is having time enough to pursue personal pursuits that bring you pleasure, time enough to make the loving gestures for your family you long to do, time enough to care for your home, tend your garden, nurture your soul. Authentic success is never having to tell yourself or those you love "maybe next year." Authentic success is knowing that if today were your last day of earth, you could leave without regret. Authentic success is feeling focused and serene when you work, not fragmented. It's knowing that you've done the best that you possibly can, no matter what circumstances you faced; it's knowing in your soul that the best you can do is all you can do, and that the best you can do is always enough.

Authentic success is accepting your limitations, making peace with your past, and reveling in your passions so that your future may unfold according to a Divine Plan. It's discovering and calling forth your gifts and offering them to the world to help heal its ravaged heart. It's making a difference in other lives and believing that if you can do that for just one person each day, through a smile, a shared laugh, a caress, a kind word, or a helping hand, blessed are you among women.

Authentic success is not just money in the bank but a contented heart and peace of mind. Its earning what you feel you deserve for the work you do and knowing that you're worth it. Authentic success is paying your bills with ease, taking care of all your needs and the needs of those you love, indulging wants, and having enough left over to save and share. Authentic success is not about accumulating but letting go, because all you have is all you truly need. Authentic success is feeling good about who you are, appreciating where you've been, celebrating your achievements, and honoring the point where being is as important as doing. It's the steady pursuit of a dream. It's realizing that no matter how much time it takes for a dream to come true in the physical world, no day is ever wasted. It's valuing inner, as well as outer, labor - both your won and others'. It's elevating labor to a craft and craft to an art by bestowing Love on every task you undertake.

Authentic success is knowing how simply abundant your life is exactly as it is today. Authentic success is being so grateful for the many blessings bestowed on you and yours that you can share your portion with others.

Authentic success is living each day with a heart overflowing.

As I read this I realize that it sounds like something I would write...like something that I already believe...that I try to embody every day.

__________________________________________________________________
Right now I'm working on a lapghan for Mom. Hers is old and fraying. I'm making it out of Vanna in green hues. Nothing fancy or she won't use it. 

Garter on the edges and stockinette in between. I did slip the first stitch of the row so there is a lovely little border edge...hope that doesn't equate to fancy in her book. lol

So one of the things I always dread is buying clothes that are the wrong size. The last few years I bought mediums thinking they would fit and then I'd be shattered when they didn't. I'm happy to say I bought two tops that fit great and even might be a little roomy. *happy dance*

Another thing that brings me great joy is my Roomba. That little technological cleaning marvel is a treasure. When I hear it running I know that it is saving me hours of vacuuming...and that is no small thing.

________________________________________________________________

Mom update: Her surgery went well. She thanks everyone for their prayers and well wishes. She will have a catheter for a month but that has actually made her happier. I'm really hoping that her appetite comes back as well. Thanks again for all your wonderful vibes...I believe they help immensely!

_________________________________________________________________

So all in all...my life is a success. I am blessed in so many ways...and that is my greatest truth.

Have a beautiful weekend,

Ruinwen

:)

Note: Notice my new avatar...isn't she absolutely beautiful!?! She was penned and inked by the talented Lock-of-Hyrule. I am so blessed to be surrounded by amazing talented people. I am so in love with my new Fey lass. And she looks a lot like me when I was younger and had red hair down to my butt...minus the big red shroom on my head! lol

Fear of Success

The world would have you agree with its dismal dream of limitation. But the light would have you soar like the eagle of your sacred visions."

-- Alan Cohen

Here is the new prayer shawl. I think it came out nicely. Mom seems to like it.

She is having surgery today. Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and good thoughts; I know they make such a big difference!

This week I have felt…slightly off. I don’t know it if is because the sun no longer wakes me up in the morning…or if that day off really confused my inner clock…but I feel very scattered this week.

I watch all these people that surround me who are successful and run businesses and I wonder, “Why can’t I do that?” I have the foundation…but lack the energy to actually get somewhere. Our Esty page sadly never got up this year…and that is a shame since we have so many wonderful things in stock.

Fall Fest is around the corner and I’ve done nothing for it but order new receipt books with our name on them. Whoo hoo! I feel like a total and utter failure sometimes. The Goddess gives me all these talents to try and change our lives and I just shuffle my feet.

After every Fair we always have all these splendid ideas and most of them never come to pass.

DH and I have this precarious balance of not doing too much to threaten what we have and not doing too little that we don’t have stock for the Fairs. I think this mentality hurts us at least in our business…we never risk.

We don’t do this to have a second income though one day we would like to be in a place where this could happen. DH has always been afraid of becoming too successful and not having enough stock. He never wants our demand to outweigh our ability to create.

So where does that leave us?

I asked the Goddess what my next step should be. If maybe I’m just being impatient for no reason. Maybe…just maybe I’m right where I should be and when the time is right then everything will fall into place.

The Goddess answered in that beautiful voice of love and compassion that has gotten me through so much this year, “Socks. Start with socks and all the rest will follow.”

…okay.

…socks it is then. :D

Have a wonderful weekend.

Ruinwen

:)

Goals

"Man is made or unmade by himself. In the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace."
-- James Allen

It is September and I'm trying not to be discouraged by what I didn't accomplish this year. I didn't really write down any concrete goals for this year except the ones that I made last Samhain.

• Create one thing that is mine.
• Motivate my body to a healthy weight.
• Flow serenity into all aspects of my being.
• Nurture my physical body.
• Illumine my soul through happiness.

The "create one thing that is mine" goal is hard to define. I thought it would be a pattern or something I worked months on to bring into being, but I was wrong. My soul had this idea for years now that our cats should have a place to rest and be honored and this Summer we brought that into being as you saw in a past post. This little kitty nook gives me great joy every day as I pass through its gates and it truly blesses our house with those feline friends whose friendships we will love and cherish for eternity.

The second goal I accomplished early in the Summer and have managed to find a groove that has made it pretty effortless to stay at goal weight.

Serenity is a hard mistress to come by but I strive to find her each day if only for five minutes. I have been doing a morning and night meditation to at least begin and end the day on a note of contemplation and reflection. So I at least feel that I have made great strides in working towards this goal.

Okay, this goal has been hard. Over this last year, I've become lactose intolerant and it has done all sorts of funky stuff to me that has really been quite depressing. But over the Summer DH has been really helping me through it by buying products that are lactose-free and quite delish. So at least I've been learning to not look at it like a bad thing...which for an Italian who lived and breathed cheese it is quite an adjustment.

I must say I am happy. I am blessed. Yes, there is chaos around me and things I cannot control and the outcomes of these things...leaves me troubled and upset...but at my core I am joyful...and very happy.

So as these goals go...I think I did really well.

I've changed the way I look at my goals. Every day I pick three things to accomplish and if it is not on my list of three things I do not allow myself to be upset by not completing it.
This was a hard mindset to come by and I still struggle with all the things on the sidelines that are being ignored, but on the whole, this process works pretty well for me.

In that vein...one of my ongoing goals has been to remake this prayer shawl. This time I used Encore colorspun. I like this yarn. It has good stitch definition and is squishy with a nice drape. I ended up using the same pattern because I really liked it.

My son also picked out a bunch of shades of green for a new lap robe for Mom. I will start on that next when the shawl is done.

Usually, I had three projects on the needles at a time but I've been focusing on one at a time realizing that splitting my focus only hurt me in the long run. One project always got pushed to the back of the queue and I ended up neglecting it.

I can tell you that my tank went everywhere with me all Summer and I never even took it out until the last week when I decided I was going to finish it.

So I've tried to really understand the ways I do things this Summer and recreate my goals around this new knowledge.

I wanted to share these awesome earrings that a friend made for me. I love them! Look at how beautiful her wirework is! And she sent me a knitting journal too! Such wonderful treasures! I have already worn the earrings and gotten lots of compliments! And the knitting book is the perfect place to tuck away ideas for later projects...all kept safe in one place. Thanks again! :)

I'm looking forward to the three-day-weekend to just chill. I have simple goals that can be achieved while watching movies or playing games and my son has asked to do both. I just want to finish this prayer shawl to gift on Monday to Mom when we bring them some yummy food, wash everything (including beds and towels) and make something with Italian sausage.

I should be able to do that. :D

May you all have a blessed and safe weekend,
Ruinwen
:)

The Voice of Spirit

You know I’m always making prayer shawls for people and I put all kinds of good energy into them and the one I made for my Mom last week was no exception. I've always seen them as a buffer or shield that either protects the wearer from further suffering or as a blanket of love and prayers that fills the person with happiness and hope each time they wear it.

Last Friday Mom was rushed to the ER and while I know it was scary and horrible for her...for Dad, DH and I... it was like a 70’s sitcom.

We picked up Dad from AL and raced to the ER.
At the ER we were given passes to go see Mom.
We got to Mom’s room and she was not there.
An ER nurse told us that she had just left on transport.
We rushed back to AL.
Transport was still in the drop off zone when we returned.
Mom was being tucked into the bed by the time we got to her room.
So we let Mom rest and took Dad out for sushi.

What does this have to do with prayer shawls? On Sunday my sister presented me with this.

Apparently, Mom’s shawl took the hit of her ER visit. Dad was hoping that I could just rip it out and re-knit it. But I think that this yarn has given it’s all to Mom and it should just be laid to rest. As tragic as that is…that was its purpose. And to fulfill your intention is a noble thing.

I asked her if she wanted a triangle or rectangle shawl this time and as with most things…she didn’t know. So I’m going to pray on it a bit and see what happens. While I loved the pattern I just used…I’m open to another.

In truth; I’ve been very open to the voice of spirit and now I don’t feel so scattered.

I had this great meditation Monday night about my goals and what path I should be following.

When I started this summer I had so many ideas and goals that I wanted to accomplish and very few of them got done. It is like my son. He had the e-n-t-i-r-e summer to put away the papers in his backpack from the last day of school and he never did it.

Spirit told me that I just needed to accept that the things that were worked on this summer were what was supposed to be and to leave it at that. Then Spirit asked me the things that didn't get done...what was stopping me?

...and those excuses that I'd been making to myself...I just couldn't say them to Spirit ya'know? But at the same time, I could see the other things that got done...like all the work on the house.

Then Spirit hugged me and told me that the things that were connected to time had been done. That many times my heart gets way ahead of my mind and starts things before they are ready. Like the tarot card of the man pulling on the shoots to get them to grow faster.

All these goals are good for their time and place in my life but they cannot be accomplished all at once.

So here is my tank. It actually turned out really well. Sorry for the hurried photo but it was a hot day and I needed a shower so I didn't want to get it all sweaty. TMI I know. My boy took all the photos again and I think he is doing a great job. Anyway...I loved this project! It was fun and I even enjoyed the seaming on the sides. I added trim on the arm-holes because it looked wonky without them.

I wish you all a nice weekend.

Ruinwen

:)

Co-creating

While working on this prayer shawl I feel very centered and balanced in my own life process. And I realize for the first time what has been missing from my knitting for a while now.

I've been so focused on not buying new yarn and using stash and not starting patters before finishing what I've begun...that I've lost sight of the "spirit" of my crafting.

It seems like forever since I've begun a pattern with the help of my Patron Goddess, Bridget...or the elements or...really any of my guides or teachers.

It has been a while now since I really could immerse myself into my crafting like I was able to do for this prayer shawl. It is a good feeling.

I love the way this prayer shawl turned out. I really enjoyed everything about it from the soft fiber to the pattern itself. The edging was sheer genius and I love that I learned something new and fun that I can use over and over again.

I think Mom liked it too. Hard to tell these days.

Update on her condition: They didn't want to do radiation therapy. The second Doctor that they saw said that the tumor is as big as a golf ball and it would be better to operate. He is hoping to get it all in one fell swoop and then not have to do any radiation or chemo afterward.

When I talked to her on Friday she was "Mom" for our conversation. There was no confusion, no doubt...I wanted to stay on the phone forever just to talk to her about anything so I could keep the Mother I used to know. But that was just a little gift...as my sister said...a little of her soul shining through the chaos that surrounds her mental facade.

I was talking to my friend on Friday night about it and she said that everyone goes through periods where their soul is eclipsed by their outer shadows. She went on to say, "Look at you for instance. In trying to keep sane you've become so regimented that you lack spontaneity."

And it is true. I'm afraid to color outside the lines of my existence for the same reason that I game. I need the structure of some things so that I can deal with all the things I cannot control that surround me.

I used to do things so differently and I think that "time" cannot be an excuse anymore. I used to start the day off with daily meditation. Not something really long...just something to ponder on and think about during the day and it was a nice way to begin.

I started doing that again this week and I think it makes a big difference in the way I approach everything.

It is just a little change...but it is really all the little things that make up the glittery whole. And the little things are much easier to change then the unmovable mountains that I'm struggling with.

So I'm not going to be so rigid in the future or hard on myself to finish all these WIPs or ideas...or whatever else I've promised myself. I'm going to take time each day to listen to the voice of Spirit. I'm not going to plan out my next project before I finish the one I am working on. I'm going to try to start living in the moment and enjoying it to the fullest instead of dwelling on the past or looking towards the future.

I'm working on the Basic Tank Top and I'm finding it very enjoyable. I'm making it out of Malabrigo Silky Merino in Nocturnal #472. I love Malabrigo and it is so soft and the colors are so vibrant. This colorway has a spectrum of purples from the shyest violet to the deepest plum and I just adore the way it is making up.

This tank is simple yet...it has some design details that are really beautiful. I would recommend this pattern for anyone looking for a fitted design that is not too difficult with a little flair thrown in.

I'm trying to do it right...I did a gauge swatch before starting...I've been measuring it up against a tank that I wear and love and adjusting everything. I'm almost done but I want to take the time to block the pieces after the shoulder straps are done. I'm going to try mattress stitching for the first time and I'm a little excited. Usually, I hate to seam pieces but I think it will be fun to "color outside the lines" a bit with this pattern.

I hope you have a beautiful weekend.

*hugs*

Ruinwen

:)

The Soul of the Matter

“My soul is the bridge between spirit and body and, as such, is a uniter of opposites. ...Without soul at center, I would either transcend into spirit or become mired in matter.”
--Marion Woodman

I’ve been thinking about soul and what I believe these last few days. Are we a body with a soul or a soul with a body? Do I believe that there is this other realm where we all go? Do I believe that we reincarnate?

All good questions.


My name means “Reaper”. I’ve always wondered if I’m supposed to harvest stuff or tend souls.

The Sanskrit greeting “Namaste” means, "The God/Goddess in me greets the God/Goddess in you."

I’ve always liked that.

If you asked me when I was 21 I could have told you without a shadow of a doubt what I believed and why. Even now I can argue pretty convincingly about most of these issues.

For instance; when I was learning to knit I just didn’t get purling. I tried for hours and for whatever reason I couldn’t “see” what I supposed to do. I closed my eyes and prayed to DH’s “Gammy” who had recently passed and asked her to help me. With my closed eyes, my fingers moved as if someone had lovingly moved them and I made my first purl stitch ever. And when I opened my eyes I suddenly knew how to make the stitch…like I’d been doing it for years.

I know that Gammy helped me. I could feel her love and support blanket around me and fill me to overflowing.

I’d be lying if I said that was a strange experience for me. I talk to the spirits of my ancestors all the time and they’ve answered me in different ways over the years.

I want to believe that the soul lives on…and maybe some of the things that fill us with such joy live on in that soul.

My beloved Mother had a remission to her cancer and this time it is inoperable. She is receiving radiation treatments today…her birthday…my parent’s anniversary. Please send prayers or good thoughts her way today.

I can’t even begin to think of a world that doesn’t have my Mother in it. In many ways, she has left us already and that is hard enough.

My Mother was a brilliant person before dementia set in. As a mathematician of great proportions, she would add columns of numbers upside down. She could size and design clothes and sewed many beautiful things for us. I have saved two of her dresses she made me because I couldn’t part with them…one I was married in. She loved crossword puzzles and did them daily…she was always so proud that she could complete them…like there was any doubt?

She was an amazing cook. Her dinners were better than restaurant food. There are still dishes that she made that I just can’t get out because it won’t be the same or anywhere near as good as hers. I’m happy she gave me all the recipes over the years so I can make these dishes that are close to my heart. In the margins are all her little notes making the collection even more precious to me.

Every morning Mom would write me a note. I never tired of them and saved them all. She was always doing little things to make me happy. She liked to be involved in my life and I always told her everything no matter how weird or revealing. It is one of the things I miss the most…just opening up and talking to her.

I was happy that she had time with my son when he was really little. There was a bit of time that they helped me take care of him and I think it really helped them to bond. Yesterday when my little boy was editing his stop motion movie (more on that later), I was reading e-mail and mentioned that his Aunt had suggested making a prayer shawl.

He stopped what he was doing and said, “Let’s pick out some yarn that is soft that Grandma will like. This is much more important than my editing because it is for Grandma.” He ran off and rummaged through my stash as I held back the tears because he is such a rich and beautiful soul.

Now I know why Mom was crying when she found the burnt paper heart between the plates she was heating in the oven that said, “I love you.”

When I asked her why she was crying she answered me, “You’ll know when you have kids of your own.”

I know that Mom can’t remember these things…even when I remind her. I just hope she knows how much I love her…and always will.

Happy Birthday, Mom!
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Have a nice weekend,

Ruinwen

:)

Note: The prayer shawl is made out of King Cole Smooth DK...one of my favorite acrylic yarns. I used navy so far, but I plan on using at least two other colors. The pattern is from my friend's post. I was inspired by the beauty of this shawl when I saw it on her. *hugs*

This is my son's debut as my blog photographer. He took the shawl photo. I think he did a great job! :)

The Game is Afoot

Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will set down quietly, may alight upon you.
–Nathaniel Hawthorne

I know that happiness is just a state of mind. That it is one of those things that is as elusive as the wind. There are rules surrounding it that make no sense to someone who is seeking it. And to find it you have to realize that you never lost it in the first place.

It can exist in din and squalor as well as magnificence and splendor.

For it is not what surrounds us but what lies within that creates happiness.

I have always wondered how I can be happy and terribly depressed at the same time. I can find joy in the silliest things and I love my life. I may have trouble with the chaos surrounding it, but at my heart, I am very happy.

I am truly blessed in so many ways and I know it. I thank the God and Goddess every day for all the wondrous people, moments and things in my life.

I’ve been meditating and trying to work through these conflicting feelings and then I realized that life is all about opposites and finding the harmony between them.

For instance, I practice the art of “financial serenity”. This does not mean that I do not have bills; but rather that I don’t buy something without knowing I have the money to pay for it. Of course, there are always emergencies and in those times I just pull the “belt” in a little tighter on my money for a while as things balance out.

I’ve been working on harmonizing my emotions this summer and it has been really hard since part of me is a volcano ready to erupt and part of me is kisses and kindness.

My sister said something to me which I will misquote but it went something like this, “Don’t let the world judge you by the things that make you happy. Just because you like games doesn’t make their impact on your life “stupid” or “silly”. Everyone has things that they do that bring them happiness…be it stamp collecting or fishing or gaming.”

And those words of hers have been bouncing around in my head. People who know me understand that I game. Playing a game for a few hours every day may seem like a waste to some, but to me, it makes all the other stuff that I have trouble tolerating…bearable.

Does this mean that my family starves or things that are necessary don’t get done? No. Do I shut out my nearest and dearest to game? No.

You know when couples talk about their “Golden Years” there are rockers and sunsets…DH and I talk about gaming systems, surround sound and plasma screens. Gaming is something we do individually and as a family. And it is something that brings us all great joy.

I’m tired of feeling like it is a “dirty little secret” that I have. I’m tired of feeling like I should be ashamed or that I am wasting my time.

I am a gamer. I love my games. I love cool graphics. I love the puzzles in Zelda. I love creating an egg in Pokemon that has kick attacks and then watching her/him fight all the way to the Elite Four. I love building towers and figuring out what pattern will take out the aliens. I love creating and growing my Farm and Frontier. I love that moment when you’ve tried something for two weeks straight and everything just “clicks” and you ace the level. It is like gaming Zen.

This doesn’t mean that this will turn into a gaming blog. I may share primo moments here and there…but more this was about me accepting another part of who I am.

With the humidity so high I can’t really knit. The yarn feels funny and sticks on my needles. So I haven’t picked up my sticks in weeks and I miss it.

The orange essence is doing the trick. It is nudging me here and there to make sense of everything and my place in it. I feel much more centered again and the chaos is pushed outside of me once more.

I’m looking forward to a fun weekend full of family and friends. I’m going to learn to pick crabs tomorrow and I’m so excited!

Have a blessed weekend!

Ruinwen

:)

Sorry if the whole mind-map thing is messy and blurry. I find they really help me focus on stuff when I'm lost. hugs

Happiness...

I had a quote but I lost it somewhere...so here is one that I heard somewhere....happiness is what you make it.

I have this nagging feeling when I enter the Assisted Living and put on my "happy" face. You know the face that smiles and is patient and kind no matter how much I might be screaming inside because my parents don't deserve that.

They are beautiful people and I always try to treat them with love and understanding.

*insert light bulb here"

Wouldn't it be amazing if I could do that with my life every day? If I could take all these crazy feelings and just turn them around because I am just as deserving as my parent to be treated with kindness and respect?

It is easy to see a solution but some times it is elusive as a mountain in the distance. So using my gaming strategy that worked so well for my weight loss and financial serenity I knew that I needed a little help here and went to my guides and teachers who pointed me to the next essence up from cherry blossom.

*insert music of goal being achieved as the magic potion is obtained to refill happiness meter*

It should be no surprise that this new essence is orange. I am deathly allergic to citric acid and oranges are something I have to avoid. So if I needed the energy of this fruit...I cannot get it except through the essence of its flower which, has no citric acid...or maybe in honey from the orange blossoms.

I am hoping this essence will allow me to override my personal depression and allow joy and happiness to flow through my life again.

I am so blessed...I know that. But right now no matter what I do I just feel totally...at odds with my environment and my place in it. If I can't change what is around me then I have to try to change what lies within.

Bright blessings to you all,

Have a beautiful weekend!

Ruinwen

:)

The Big Dogs

"Most people are so busy knocking themselves out trying to do everything they think they should do, they never get around to do what they want to do."
-- Kathleen Winsor






Yeah, well I have nothing really to say this week. But I haven’t missed a Friday post for the whole year and I don’t want to start now.

So this is how I feel...but I'm not going to let the "big dogs" get me down.

*hugs*

Ruinwen

No Sense of Direction

I don't want to be the one 
The battles always choose 
'Cause inside I realize 
That I'm the one confused 
I don't know what's worth fighting for 
Or why I have to scream 
I don't know why I instigate 
And say what I don't mean 
I don't know how I got this way 
I know it's not alright

LINKIN PARK, "Breaking The Habit"

This week I don’t have much positive stuff to say. I don’t want to BMC all over the blog again even though you all are understanding, wonderful and kind. I’ve kinda been withdrawing into myself and I know I’ve missed a bunch of stuff. Sorry about that.

I’m way behind on most of my goals but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I keep working on my tank on Fridays at meet up and that has to suffice for now.

I wanted to write this inspirational cat post. As you can see from the above picture, our cat corner is finally complete. I’m really happy with it. I’ve honored both my beloved boys. It makes me happy to have them together again since they loved each other so much.

Every weekend we get a little more done. We keep trading solutions to make a little more room here and there. I give away what I can. It is hard to fit two families under one roof but we are doing the best we can.

I’m trying to work on my peace-at-any-price nature which is happy to make sure others are content while making me miserable.

What makes one person be able to take insults and brings another to tears? What allows one person to love themselves while another only sees their faults?

Why is one person born with a perception filter that allows them to see the world as they choose and not as it truly is?

I want to change.

It was easy to diet. I say “easy” because there were rules and I followed them and got results. I played it like a game and won.

But these emotions that I’m wrestling with have no “rules”. There is no way to plan or work with them. They explode through me whether I’m ready for them or not. I’m afraid to harden myself though. I don’t want to lose myself while looking for answers.

And I’m afraid that it isn’t something that can be changed without giving away a part of me that is my core.

I’m an empath. I feel. That is what I do…it is at the core of who I am. It helps me to be a healer. Tuning in to people’s emotions helps me to be a better friend to those I care about.

The problem is when those feelings are turned inward then everything is so intense and seems bigger then it really is…they take on a life of their own. The line between reality and emotion becomes blurred.

…and I become lost. Like I am now.

So this weekend while we are cleaning the garage I hope to do some inner work too…because right now I’m a mess.

*hugs to you all*

Ruinwen

:)

Spirit Rain

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

-- Dr. Seuss (via Elena)

Right now the East coast is suffering from an onslaught of unusual heat. Our grass is brown, dry and brittle and our gardens are just managing to hang on. I have no A/C in the car right now and after riding around in my little oven-mobile I feel drained.

DH thrives in high heat…I don’t. I start to droop like a flower deprived of cool refreshing water.

My spirit is the same way; if I don’t nourish it then I feel this heaviness in my center that pulls me down.

I strive to live a spiritual life as much as I can. I hold fast to my beliefs and they are a strong part of who I am.  But lately, I feel like our landscape...arid with little growth. The heat has really been dragging me down just like the blizzard did last winter. I don't do well with extremes of nature, yet I live in a constant state of all or nothing.

My friends and family know to step back when I get an idea. They watch as it consumes me and wait for the flames to die down to see what actually becomes of it. It isn't my intention to get so flared up about something and then set it aside for the next big idea.

I'm so bad with the follow through...and yet I muddle through and do the things that I'm supposed to do.

I reached my final weight goal. That last pound was just beyond my reach for so long yet I kept the faith. I never gained...I kept working out...I kept eating in my points and here I am at the end of a journey that is only the beginning of my relationship with food and my body.

I amaze myself that I can stick to a life change like this and not be focused enough to make a phone call. I put off thing for what seems like f-o-r-e-v-e-r...and yet when I finally get to them...*poof* they seem to be accomplished so quickly I have to chide myself for waiting so long.

Speaking of waiting...after the paint and the living room overhaul...I've been waiting for the shelving to be in place so we can finally hang the family pictures. We've designed the room to have an element of the Bagua in each corner or wall. And it feels lopsided right now.

Kinda like me.

Just between you me and the fence post...I have this yearning that I've had before to learn Tai Chi. After seeing the Avatar the Last Airbender...it got stronger. I'm in that place where I'm not good enough to be taught in a class because...I look like an uncoordinated octopus *bows head - with apologies to all bright and graceful octopuses everywhere*. I'm quite frankly afraid to be laughed at when I'm home as well (but not by my immediate family). *sigh*

But I have to start somewhere.

I feel so strongly about this. But is this just another thing that I throw myself into and then it fizzles out? I don't know. But I bought two DVD's for busy people and I'm going to see if this meditative movement makes a difference to my energy level.

There is this wonderful feeling I get when I'm connected to Spirit through my body/mind/and spirit and the chi, prana...whatever you call it is flowing. My fingers tingle with the energy and my every worry goes out of my head. I become so focused on the now and all the rest falls away. My breath becomes my mantra until my whole body begins to pulse. At this point, I start to sway and this is when I can talk with Spirit.

This is how I've always envisioned doing Tai Chi. It seems like a flowing meditation where each movement is all that exists. It is a beautiful testament to the body/mind/spirit connection that each of us has.

When I do Yoga I get the same feeling.

My problem is getting around my current constraints. My biggest hurdle is to ignore what people say. If I believe in something then that should be enough.

But most times I am easily swayed by an unkind word or a snicker. I am blessed that I have friends and family who support me on each of these strange journeys I undertake.

I'm sorry my readers if this post of mine is disjointed...but it follows my state of mind right now.

I didn't knit a stitch yet this week. Thank goodness for meet-upon Friday or I would never get anything done.

Shade and sweet water,

Ruinwen

:)

One Thing Done

I want to say that I completed each and every one of my goals but that would be a lie. I think I always set goals too high and try to do too much *okay who is snickering?* :)

What I will say is that while reentry into the work week has not been easy I have managed better than before. While my staycay was actually more exertion then play; I felt rested for the first time in a long time. I was able to help put a big smile on my DH’s face and that makes me really happy.

While I ate things out of the norm for me I didn’t overdo and I didn’t gain an ounce either. I think I’m more fit now than when I started my vacation…all that lifting and moving.

As you can see I did get the blanket finished and I’m really happy with the way it turned out. I want to say that I was so good and picked up one of my WIPs and started it, but again that would be a bald-faced lie.

My friend and I went up to the Mannings in PA and I bought beautiful Malabrigo Silky Merino in Nocturnal. I needed to touch something wonderful for a while and we each promised the other we’d make one project from our trip. I picked a nice little tank top which I am almost halfway done with. Sorry, no pictures my photographer is having reentry issues also.

Next week hopefully everything will be back to normal.

I hope you all have a happy 4th if you live in the US…and a happy weekend regardless.

Ruinwen
:)

Isis

Hello everyone. This is my beautiful Isis that my sister brought me from Egypt. She was professionally matted and we finally found a place worthy of her. She makes me smile every time I see her.

We have gotten a lot done and played here and there. I'm tired and sore but when I look at the house I smile. A vacation lasts a week but my living room will be with me every day from now on. A good investment of our time indeed.

Hugs to you all.
Ruinwen
:)

The Color of Purple

"I never know what the next lesson is going to be, because we’re not supposed to know; we’re supposed to trust ourselves to discover it."

-- Melody Beattie

So this week the house is in flux. Everything has been moved so the nice man can paint the living room and all our stuff is crammed in the nooks around the house. The old TV has been moved up to our bedroom and I can’t wait to watch something on it.

Everything is happening much quicker then we thought it would and it amazes me how we were able to move everything in such a short time. Of course, most of the kudos go to DH because he was able to do a lot of the prep work and move a bunch of things before I got home. But I think I did my share too; which is why we make an awesome team.

Next week I am off so I’m not too mortified about the house being in pieces. I really want to put it back together slowly and clean up and dust everything before it goes back into place…if it goes back at all.

It feels good to accomplish a goal like this. These walls have never been painted since we moved in 15 years ago. I think I will like the magical purple color we picked. DH painted 3 different colored blocks on our walls; so the first thing you saw when you walked in the door was purple against white. Everyone picked magical as the wall color. It somehow seems right for us…if you know what I mean. ;)

I’m on the last square of the blanket so I should have all the trim and everything done by next week to show you. It will be great to finish it.

I have acquired more crystals. These are “aura” crystals that are the end result of an electrostatic vacuum process which uses intense heat to infuse different vapor deposits to natural quartz. The atoms fuse to the crystal’s surface and become part of the crystal as well as creating color and or an iridescent metallic sheen.

There are many different types and combinations of crystal that can be created through this process. The ones I have here are Aqua aura, Angel aura, Champagne Aura, Tangerine Aura, Ruby Aura and Tanzine Aura.

I am excited to work with these crystals. I have had in my possession for many years now some beautiful Aqua auras. I was leery at first thinking the process would harm the crystal but what I found was quite the opposite.

I know that tempering is a common metaphor to being tested and tried and coming out stronger at the end of the gauntlet. When I first experienced the Aqua aura energy, I was stunned at how powerful it was. I could feel it purifying the chakras and auric field of all the things that were not for my own learning and growth. All this was done in a gentle non-evasive way.

BTW I was able to use the rose quartz matrix this week and each shape took on its elemental guide and worked just like I’d hoped. I’m very happy with this set. They have such loving, compassionate vibrations.

I want to see what happens when I couple the rose quartz and the auras with the phantom…I need to spend a week just working with my crystals and luckily I have next week off just to do that!

Bright blessings to you all,
*hugs*
Ruinwen
:)