Authentic Success

“No set goal achieved satisfies. Success only breeds a new goal. The golden apple devoured has seeds. It is endless.”

--Bette Davis

Taken from Simple Abundance - A Daybook of Comfort and Joy; by Sarah Ban Breathnach

Authentic success is having time enough to pursue personal pursuits that bring you pleasure, time enough to make the loving gestures for your family you long to do, time enough to care for your home, tend your garden, nurture your soul. Authentic success is never having to tell yourself or those you love "maybe next year." Authentic success is knowing that if today were your last day of earth, you could leave without regret. Authentic success is feeling focused and serene when you work, not fragmented. It's knowing that you've done the best that you possibly can, no matter what circumstances you faced; it's knowing in your soul that the best you can do is all you can do, and that the best you can do is always enough.

Authentic success is accepting your limitations, making peace with your past, and reveling in your passions so that your future may unfold according to a Divine Plan. It's discovering and calling forth your gifts and offering them to the world to help heal its ravaged heart. It's making a difference in other lives and believing that if you can do that for just one person each day, through a smile, a shared laugh, a caress, a kind word, or a helping hand, blessed are you among women.

Authentic success is not just money in the bank but a contented heart and peace of mind. Its earning what you feel you deserve for the work you do and knowing that you're worth it. Authentic success is paying your bills with ease, taking care of all your needs and the needs of those you love, indulging wants, and having enough left over to save and share. Authentic success is not about accumulating but letting go, because all you have is all you truly need. Authentic success is feeling good about who you are, appreciating where you've been, celebrating your achievements, and honoring the point where being is as important as doing. It's the steady pursuit of a dream. It's realizing that no matter how much time it takes for a dream to come true in the physical world, no day is ever wasted. It's valuing inner, as well as outer, labor - both your won and others'. It's elevating labor to a craft and craft to an art by bestowing Love on every task you undertake.

Authentic success is knowing how simply abundant your life is exactly as it is today. Authentic success is being so grateful for the many blessings bestowed on you and yours that you can share your portion with others.

Authentic success is living each day with a heart overflowing.

As I read this I realize that it sounds like something I would write...like something that I already believe...that I try to embody every day.

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Right now I'm working on a lapghan for Mom. Hers is old and fraying. I'm making it out of Vanna in green hues. Nothing fancy or she won't use it. 

Garter on the edges and stockinette in between. I did slip the first stitch of the row so there is a lovely little border edge...hope that doesn't equate to fancy in her book. lol

So one of the things I always dread is buying clothes that are the wrong size. The last few years I bought mediums thinking they would fit and then I'd be shattered when they didn't. I'm happy to say I bought two tops that fit great and even might be a little roomy. *happy dance*

Another thing that brings me great joy is my Roomba. That little technological cleaning marvel is a treasure. When I hear it running I know that it is saving me hours of vacuuming...and that is no small thing.

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Mom update: Her surgery went well. She thanks everyone for their prayers and well wishes. She will have a catheter for a month but that has actually made her happier. I'm really hoping that her appetite comes back as well. Thanks again for all your wonderful vibes...I believe they help immensely!

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So all in all...my life is a success. I am blessed in so many ways...and that is my greatest truth.

Have a beautiful weekend,

Ruinwen

:)

Note: Notice my new avatar...isn't she absolutely beautiful!?! She was penned and inked by the talented Lock-of-Hyrule. I am so blessed to be surrounded by amazing talented people. I am so in love with my new Fey lass. And she looks a lot like me when I was younger and had red hair down to my butt...minus the big red shroom on my head! lol

Fear of Success

The world would have you agree with its dismal dream of limitation. But the light would have you soar like the eagle of your sacred visions."

-- Alan Cohen

Here is the new prayer shawl. I think it came out nicely. Mom seems to like it.

She is having surgery today. Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and good thoughts; I know they make such a big difference!

This week I have felt…slightly off. I don’t know it if is because the sun no longer wakes me up in the morning…or if that day off really confused my inner clock…but I feel very scattered this week.

I watch all these people that surround me who are successful and run businesses and I wonder, “Why can’t I do that?” I have the foundation…but lack the energy to actually get somewhere. Our Esty page sadly never got up this year…and that is a shame since we have so many wonderful things in stock.

Fall Fest is around the corner and I’ve done nothing for it but order new receipt books with our name on them. Whoo hoo! I feel like a total and utter failure sometimes. The Goddess gives me all these talents to try and change our lives and I just shuffle my feet.

After every Fair we always have all these splendid ideas and most of them never come to pass.

DH and I have this precarious balance of not doing too much to threaten what we have and not doing too little that we don’t have stock for the Fairs. I think this mentality hurts us at least in our business…we never risk.

We don’t do this to have a second income though one day we would like to be in a place where this could happen. DH has always been afraid of becoming too successful and not having enough stock. He never wants our demand to outweigh our ability to create.

So where does that leave us?

I asked the Goddess what my next step should be. If maybe I’m just being impatient for no reason. Maybe…just maybe I’m right where I should be and when the time is right then everything will fall into place.

The Goddess answered in that beautiful voice of love and compassion that has gotten me through so much this year, “Socks. Start with socks and all the rest will follow.”

…okay.

…socks it is then. :D

Have a wonderful weekend.

Ruinwen

:)

Goals

"Man is made or unmade by himself. In the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace."
-- James Allen

It is September and I'm trying not to be discouraged by what I didn't accomplish this year. I didn't really write down any concrete goals for this year except the ones that I made last Samhain.

• Create one thing that is mine.
• Motivate my body to a healthy weight.
• Flow serenity into all aspects of my being.
• Nurture my physical body.
• Illumine my soul through happiness.

The "create one thing that is mine" goal is hard to define. I thought it would be a pattern or something I worked months on to bring into being, but I was wrong. My soul had this idea for years now that our cats should have a place to rest and be honored and this Summer we brought that into being as you saw in a past post. This little kitty nook gives me great joy every day as I pass through its gates and it truly blesses our house with those feline friends whose friendships we will love and cherish for eternity.

The second goal I accomplished early in the Summer and have managed to find a groove that has made it pretty effortless to stay at goal weight.

Serenity is a hard mistress to come by but I strive to find her each day if only for five minutes. I have been doing a morning and night meditation to at least begin and end the day on a note of contemplation and reflection. So I at least feel that I have made great strides in working towards this goal.

Okay, this goal has been hard. Over this last year, I've become lactose intolerant and it has done all sorts of funky stuff to me that has really been quite depressing. But over the Summer DH has been really helping me through it by buying products that are lactose-free and quite delish. So at least I've been learning to not look at it like a bad thing...which for an Italian who lived and breathed cheese it is quite an adjustment.

I must say I am happy. I am blessed. Yes, there is chaos around me and things I cannot control and the outcomes of these things...leaves me troubled and upset...but at my core I am joyful...and very happy.

So as these goals go...I think I did really well.

I've changed the way I look at my goals. Every day I pick three things to accomplish and if it is not on my list of three things I do not allow myself to be upset by not completing it.
This was a hard mindset to come by and I still struggle with all the things on the sidelines that are being ignored, but on the whole, this process works pretty well for me.

In that vein...one of my ongoing goals has been to remake this prayer shawl. This time I used Encore colorspun. I like this yarn. It has good stitch definition and is squishy with a nice drape. I ended up using the same pattern because I really liked it.

My son also picked out a bunch of shades of green for a new lap robe for Mom. I will start on that next when the shawl is done.

Usually, I had three projects on the needles at a time but I've been focusing on one at a time realizing that splitting my focus only hurt me in the long run. One project always got pushed to the back of the queue and I ended up neglecting it.

I can tell you that my tank went everywhere with me all Summer and I never even took it out until the last week when I decided I was going to finish it.

So I've tried to really understand the ways I do things this Summer and recreate my goals around this new knowledge.

I wanted to share these awesome earrings that a friend made for me. I love them! Look at how beautiful her wirework is! And she sent me a knitting journal too! Such wonderful treasures! I have already worn the earrings and gotten lots of compliments! And the knitting book is the perfect place to tuck away ideas for later projects...all kept safe in one place. Thanks again! :)

I'm looking forward to the three-day-weekend to just chill. I have simple goals that can be achieved while watching movies or playing games and my son has asked to do both. I just want to finish this prayer shawl to gift on Monday to Mom when we bring them some yummy food, wash everything (including beds and towels) and make something with Italian sausage.

I should be able to do that. :D

May you all have a blessed and safe weekend,
Ruinwen
:)

The Voice of Spirit

You know I’m always making prayer shawls for people and I put all kinds of good energy into them and the one I made for my Mom last week was no exception. I've always seen them as a buffer or shield that either protects the wearer from further suffering or as a blanket of love and prayers that fills the person with happiness and hope each time they wear it.

Last Friday Mom was rushed to the ER and while I know it was scary and horrible for her...for Dad, DH and I... it was like a 70’s sitcom.

We picked up Dad from AL and raced to the ER.
At the ER we were given passes to go see Mom.
We got to Mom’s room and she was not there.
An ER nurse told us that she had just left on transport.
We rushed back to AL.
Transport was still in the drop off zone when we returned.
Mom was being tucked into the bed by the time we got to her room.
So we let Mom rest and took Dad out for sushi.

What does this have to do with prayer shawls? On Sunday my sister presented me with this.

Apparently, Mom’s shawl took the hit of her ER visit. Dad was hoping that I could just rip it out and re-knit it. But I think that this yarn has given it’s all to Mom and it should just be laid to rest. As tragic as that is…that was its purpose. And to fulfill your intention is a noble thing.

I asked her if she wanted a triangle or rectangle shawl this time and as with most things…she didn’t know. So I’m going to pray on it a bit and see what happens. While I loved the pattern I just used…I’m open to another.

In truth; I’ve been very open to the voice of spirit and now I don’t feel so scattered.

I had this great meditation Monday night about my goals and what path I should be following.

When I started this summer I had so many ideas and goals that I wanted to accomplish and very few of them got done. It is like my son. He had the e-n-t-i-r-e summer to put away the papers in his backpack from the last day of school and he never did it.

Spirit told me that I just needed to accept that the things that were worked on this summer were what was supposed to be and to leave it at that. Then Spirit asked me the things that didn't get done...what was stopping me?

...and those excuses that I'd been making to myself...I just couldn't say them to Spirit ya'know? But at the same time, I could see the other things that got done...like all the work on the house.

Then Spirit hugged me and told me that the things that were connected to time had been done. That many times my heart gets way ahead of my mind and starts things before they are ready. Like the tarot card of the man pulling on the shoots to get them to grow faster.

All these goals are good for their time and place in my life but they cannot be accomplished all at once.

So here is my tank. It actually turned out really well. Sorry for the hurried photo but it was a hot day and I needed a shower so I didn't want to get it all sweaty. TMI I know. My boy took all the photos again and I think he is doing a great job. Anyway...I loved this project! It was fun and I even enjoyed the seaming on the sides. I added trim on the arm-holes because it looked wonky without them.

I wish you all a nice weekend.

Ruinwen

:)

Co-creating

While working on this prayer shawl I feel very centered and balanced in my own life process. And I realize for the first time what has been missing from my knitting for a while now.

I've been so focused on not buying new yarn and using stash and not starting patters before finishing what I've begun...that I've lost sight of the "spirit" of my crafting.

It seems like forever since I've begun a pattern with the help of my Patron Goddess, Bridget...or the elements or...really any of my guides or teachers.

It has been a while now since I really could immerse myself into my crafting like I was able to do for this prayer shawl. It is a good feeling.

I love the way this prayer shawl turned out. I really enjoyed everything about it from the soft fiber to the pattern itself. The edging was sheer genius and I love that I learned something new and fun that I can use over and over again.

I think Mom liked it too. Hard to tell these days.

Update on her condition: They didn't want to do radiation therapy. The second Doctor that they saw said that the tumor is as big as a golf ball and it would be better to operate. He is hoping to get it all in one fell swoop and then not have to do any radiation or chemo afterward.

When I talked to her on Friday she was "Mom" for our conversation. There was no confusion, no doubt...I wanted to stay on the phone forever just to talk to her about anything so I could keep the Mother I used to know. But that was just a little gift...as my sister said...a little of her soul shining through the chaos that surrounds her mental facade.

I was talking to my friend on Friday night about it and she said that everyone goes through periods where their soul is eclipsed by their outer shadows. She went on to say, "Look at you for instance. In trying to keep sane you've become so regimented that you lack spontaneity."

And it is true. I'm afraid to color outside the lines of my existence for the same reason that I game. I need the structure of some things so that I can deal with all the things I cannot control that surround me.

I used to do things so differently and I think that "time" cannot be an excuse anymore. I used to start the day off with daily meditation. Not something really long...just something to ponder on and think about during the day and it was a nice way to begin.

I started doing that again this week and I think it makes a big difference in the way I approach everything.

It is just a little change...but it is really all the little things that make up the glittery whole. And the little things are much easier to change then the unmovable mountains that I'm struggling with.

So I'm not going to be so rigid in the future or hard on myself to finish all these WIPs or ideas...or whatever else I've promised myself. I'm going to take time each day to listen to the voice of Spirit. I'm not going to plan out my next project before I finish the one I am working on. I'm going to try to start living in the moment and enjoying it to the fullest instead of dwelling on the past or looking towards the future.

I'm working on the Basic Tank Top and I'm finding it very enjoyable. I'm making it out of Malabrigo Silky Merino in Nocturnal #472. I love Malabrigo and it is so soft and the colors are so vibrant. This colorway has a spectrum of purples from the shyest violet to the deepest plum and I just adore the way it is making up.

This tank is simple yet...it has some design details that are really beautiful. I would recommend this pattern for anyone looking for a fitted design that is not too difficult with a little flair thrown in.

I'm trying to do it right...I did a gauge swatch before starting...I've been measuring it up against a tank that I wear and love and adjusting everything. I'm almost done but I want to take the time to block the pieces after the shoulder straps are done. I'm going to try mattress stitching for the first time and I'm a little excited. Usually, I hate to seam pieces but I think it will be fun to "color outside the lines" a bit with this pattern.

I hope you have a beautiful weekend.

*hugs*

Ruinwen

:)

The Soul of the Matter

“My soul is the bridge between spirit and body and, as such, is a uniter of opposites. ...Without soul at center, I would either transcend into spirit or become mired in matter.”
--Marion Woodman

I’ve been thinking about soul and what I believe these last few days. Are we a body with a soul or a soul with a body? Do I believe that there is this other realm where we all go? Do I believe that we reincarnate?

All good questions.


My name means “Reaper”. I’ve always wondered if I’m supposed to harvest stuff or tend souls.

The Sanskrit greeting “Namaste” means, "The God/Goddess in me greets the God/Goddess in you."

I’ve always liked that.

If you asked me when I was 21 I could have told you without a shadow of a doubt what I believed and why. Even now I can argue pretty convincingly about most of these issues.

For instance; when I was learning to knit I just didn’t get purling. I tried for hours and for whatever reason I couldn’t “see” what I supposed to do. I closed my eyes and prayed to DH’s “Gammy” who had recently passed and asked her to help me. With my closed eyes, my fingers moved as if someone had lovingly moved them and I made my first purl stitch ever. And when I opened my eyes I suddenly knew how to make the stitch…like I’d been doing it for years.

I know that Gammy helped me. I could feel her love and support blanket around me and fill me to overflowing.

I’d be lying if I said that was a strange experience for me. I talk to the spirits of my ancestors all the time and they’ve answered me in different ways over the years.

I want to believe that the soul lives on…and maybe some of the things that fill us with such joy live on in that soul.

My beloved Mother had a remission to her cancer and this time it is inoperable. She is receiving radiation treatments today…her birthday…my parent’s anniversary. Please send prayers or good thoughts her way today.

I can’t even begin to think of a world that doesn’t have my Mother in it. In many ways, she has left us already and that is hard enough.

My Mother was a brilliant person before dementia set in. As a mathematician of great proportions, she would add columns of numbers upside down. She could size and design clothes and sewed many beautiful things for us. I have saved two of her dresses she made me because I couldn’t part with them…one I was married in. She loved crossword puzzles and did them daily…she was always so proud that she could complete them…like there was any doubt?

She was an amazing cook. Her dinners were better than restaurant food. There are still dishes that she made that I just can’t get out because it won’t be the same or anywhere near as good as hers. I’m happy she gave me all the recipes over the years so I can make these dishes that are close to my heart. In the margins are all her little notes making the collection even more precious to me.

Every morning Mom would write me a note. I never tired of them and saved them all. She was always doing little things to make me happy. She liked to be involved in my life and I always told her everything no matter how weird or revealing. It is one of the things I miss the most…just opening up and talking to her.

I was happy that she had time with my son when he was really little. There was a bit of time that they helped me take care of him and I think it really helped them to bond. Yesterday when my little boy was editing his stop motion movie (more on that later), I was reading e-mail and mentioned that his Aunt had suggested making a prayer shawl.

He stopped what he was doing and said, “Let’s pick out some yarn that is soft that Grandma will like. This is much more important than my editing because it is for Grandma.” He ran off and rummaged through my stash as I held back the tears because he is such a rich and beautiful soul.

Now I know why Mom was crying when she found the burnt paper heart between the plates she was heating in the oven that said, “I love you.”

When I asked her why she was crying she answered me, “You’ll know when you have kids of your own.”

I know that Mom can’t remember these things…even when I remind her. I just hope she knows how much I love her…and always will.

Happy Birthday, Mom!
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Have a nice weekend,

Ruinwen

:)

Note: The prayer shawl is made out of King Cole Smooth DK...one of my favorite acrylic yarns. I used navy so far, but I plan on using at least two other colors. The pattern is from my friend's post. I was inspired by the beauty of this shawl when I saw it on her. *hugs*

This is my son's debut as my blog photographer. He took the shawl photo. I think he did a great job! :)

The Game is Afoot

Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will set down quietly, may alight upon you.
–Nathaniel Hawthorne

I know that happiness is just a state of mind. That it is one of those things that is as elusive as the wind. There are rules surrounding it that make no sense to someone who is seeking it. And to find it you have to realize that you never lost it in the first place.

It can exist in din and squalor as well as magnificence and splendor.

For it is not what surrounds us but what lies within that creates happiness.

I have always wondered how I can be happy and terribly depressed at the same time. I can find joy in the silliest things and I love my life. I may have trouble with the chaos surrounding it, but at my heart, I am very happy.

I am truly blessed in so many ways and I know it. I thank the God and Goddess every day for all the wondrous people, moments and things in my life.

I’ve been meditating and trying to work through these conflicting feelings and then I realized that life is all about opposites and finding the harmony between them.

For instance, I practice the art of “financial serenity”. This does not mean that I do not have bills; but rather that I don’t buy something without knowing I have the money to pay for it. Of course, there are always emergencies and in those times I just pull the “belt” in a little tighter on my money for a while as things balance out.

I’ve been working on harmonizing my emotions this summer and it has been really hard since part of me is a volcano ready to erupt and part of me is kisses and kindness.

My sister said something to me which I will misquote but it went something like this, “Don’t let the world judge you by the things that make you happy. Just because you like games doesn’t make their impact on your life “stupid” or “silly”. Everyone has things that they do that bring them happiness…be it stamp collecting or fishing or gaming.”

And those words of hers have been bouncing around in my head. People who know me understand that I game. Playing a game for a few hours every day may seem like a waste to some, but to me, it makes all the other stuff that I have trouble tolerating…bearable.

Does this mean that my family starves or things that are necessary don’t get done? No. Do I shut out my nearest and dearest to game? No.

You know when couples talk about their “Golden Years” there are rockers and sunsets…DH and I talk about gaming systems, surround sound and plasma screens. Gaming is something we do individually and as a family. And it is something that brings us all great joy.

I’m tired of feeling like it is a “dirty little secret” that I have. I’m tired of feeling like I should be ashamed or that I am wasting my time.

I am a gamer. I love my games. I love cool graphics. I love the puzzles in Zelda. I love creating an egg in Pokemon that has kick attacks and then watching her/him fight all the way to the Elite Four. I love building towers and figuring out what pattern will take out the aliens. I love creating and growing my Farm and Frontier. I love that moment when you’ve tried something for two weeks straight and everything just “clicks” and you ace the level. It is like gaming Zen.

This doesn’t mean that this will turn into a gaming blog. I may share primo moments here and there…but more this was about me accepting another part of who I am.

With the humidity so high I can’t really knit. The yarn feels funny and sticks on my needles. So I haven’t picked up my sticks in weeks and I miss it.

The orange essence is doing the trick. It is nudging me here and there to make sense of everything and my place in it. I feel much more centered again and the chaos is pushed outside of me once more.

I’m looking forward to a fun weekend full of family and friends. I’m going to learn to pick crabs tomorrow and I’m so excited!

Have a blessed weekend!

Ruinwen

:)

Sorry if the whole mind-map thing is messy and blurry. I find they really help me focus on stuff when I'm lost. hugs

Happiness...

I had a quote but I lost it somewhere...so here is one that I heard somewhere....happiness is what you make it.

I have this nagging feeling when I enter the Assisted Living and put on my "happy" face. You know the face that smiles and is patient and kind no matter how much I might be screaming inside because my parents don't deserve that.

They are beautiful people and I always try to treat them with love and understanding.

*insert light bulb here"

Wouldn't it be amazing if I could do that with my life every day? If I could take all these crazy feelings and just turn them around because I am just as deserving as my parent to be treated with kindness and respect?

It is easy to see a solution but some times it is elusive as a mountain in the distance. So using my gaming strategy that worked so well for my weight loss and financial serenity I knew that I needed a little help here and went to my guides and teachers who pointed me to the next essence up from cherry blossom.

*insert music of goal being achieved as the magic potion is obtained to refill happiness meter*

It should be no surprise that this new essence is orange. I am deathly allergic to citric acid and oranges are something I have to avoid. So if I needed the energy of this fruit...I cannot get it except through the essence of its flower which, has no citric acid...or maybe in honey from the orange blossoms.

I am hoping this essence will allow me to override my personal depression and allow joy and happiness to flow through my life again.

I am so blessed...I know that. But right now no matter what I do I just feel totally...at odds with my environment and my place in it. If I can't change what is around me then I have to try to change what lies within.

Bright blessings to you all,

Have a beautiful weekend!

Ruinwen

:)

The Big Dogs

"Most people are so busy knocking themselves out trying to do everything they think they should do, they never get around to do what they want to do."
-- Kathleen Winsor






Yeah, well I have nothing really to say this week. But I haven’t missed a Friday post for the whole year and I don’t want to start now.

So this is how I feel...but I'm not going to let the "big dogs" get me down.

*hugs*

Ruinwen

No Sense of Direction

I don't want to be the one 
The battles always choose 
'Cause inside I realize 
That I'm the one confused 
I don't know what's worth fighting for 
Or why I have to scream 
I don't know why I instigate 
And say what I don't mean 
I don't know how I got this way 
I know it's not alright

LINKIN PARK, "Breaking The Habit"

This week I don’t have much positive stuff to say. I don’t want to BMC all over the blog again even though you all are understanding, wonderful and kind. I’ve kinda been withdrawing into myself and I know I’ve missed a bunch of stuff. Sorry about that.

I’m way behind on most of my goals but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I keep working on my tank on Fridays at meet up and that has to suffice for now.

I wanted to write this inspirational cat post. As you can see from the above picture, our cat corner is finally complete. I’m really happy with it. I’ve honored both my beloved boys. It makes me happy to have them together again since they loved each other so much.

Every weekend we get a little more done. We keep trading solutions to make a little more room here and there. I give away what I can. It is hard to fit two families under one roof but we are doing the best we can.

I’m trying to work on my peace-at-any-price nature which is happy to make sure others are content while making me miserable.

What makes one person be able to take insults and brings another to tears? What allows one person to love themselves while another only sees their faults?

Why is one person born with a perception filter that allows them to see the world as they choose and not as it truly is?

I want to change.

It was easy to diet. I say “easy” because there were rules and I followed them and got results. I played it like a game and won.

But these emotions that I’m wrestling with have no “rules”. There is no way to plan or work with them. They explode through me whether I’m ready for them or not. I’m afraid to harden myself though. I don’t want to lose myself while looking for answers.

And I’m afraid that it isn’t something that can be changed without giving away a part of me that is my core.

I’m an empath. I feel. That is what I do…it is at the core of who I am. It helps me to be a healer. Tuning in to people’s emotions helps me to be a better friend to those I care about.

The problem is when those feelings are turned inward then everything is so intense and seems bigger then it really is…they take on a life of their own. The line between reality and emotion becomes blurred.

…and I become lost. Like I am now.

So this weekend while we are cleaning the garage I hope to do some inner work too…because right now I’m a mess.

*hugs to you all*

Ruinwen

:)

Spirit Rain

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

-- Dr. Seuss (via Elena)

Right now the East coast is suffering from an onslaught of unusual heat. Our grass is brown, dry and brittle and our gardens are just managing to hang on. I have no A/C in the car right now and after riding around in my little oven-mobile I feel drained.

DH thrives in high heat…I don’t. I start to droop like a flower deprived of cool refreshing water.

My spirit is the same way; if I don’t nourish it then I feel this heaviness in my center that pulls me down.

I strive to live a spiritual life as much as I can. I hold fast to my beliefs and they are a strong part of who I am.  But lately, I feel like our landscape...arid with little growth. The heat has really been dragging me down just like the blizzard did last winter. I don't do well with extremes of nature, yet I live in a constant state of all or nothing.

My friends and family know to step back when I get an idea. They watch as it consumes me and wait for the flames to die down to see what actually becomes of it. It isn't my intention to get so flared up about something and then set it aside for the next big idea.

I'm so bad with the follow through...and yet I muddle through and do the things that I'm supposed to do.

I reached my final weight goal. That last pound was just beyond my reach for so long yet I kept the faith. I never gained...I kept working out...I kept eating in my points and here I am at the end of a journey that is only the beginning of my relationship with food and my body.

I amaze myself that I can stick to a life change like this and not be focused enough to make a phone call. I put off thing for what seems like f-o-r-e-v-e-r...and yet when I finally get to them...*poof* they seem to be accomplished so quickly I have to chide myself for waiting so long.

Speaking of waiting...after the paint and the living room overhaul...I've been waiting for the shelving to be in place so we can finally hang the family pictures. We've designed the room to have an element of the Bagua in each corner or wall. And it feels lopsided right now.

Kinda like me.

Just between you me and the fence post...I have this yearning that I've had before to learn Tai Chi. After seeing the Avatar the Last Airbender...it got stronger. I'm in that place where I'm not good enough to be taught in a class because...I look like an uncoordinated octopus *bows head - with apologies to all bright and graceful octopuses everywhere*. I'm quite frankly afraid to be laughed at when I'm home as well (but not by my immediate family). *sigh*

But I have to start somewhere.

I feel so strongly about this. But is this just another thing that I throw myself into and then it fizzles out? I don't know. But I bought two DVD's for busy people and I'm going to see if this meditative movement makes a difference to my energy level.

There is this wonderful feeling I get when I'm connected to Spirit through my body/mind/and spirit and the chi, prana...whatever you call it is flowing. My fingers tingle with the energy and my every worry goes out of my head. I become so focused on the now and all the rest falls away. My breath becomes my mantra until my whole body begins to pulse. At this point, I start to sway and this is when I can talk with Spirit.

This is how I've always envisioned doing Tai Chi. It seems like a flowing meditation where each movement is all that exists. It is a beautiful testament to the body/mind/spirit connection that each of us has.

When I do Yoga I get the same feeling.

My problem is getting around my current constraints. My biggest hurdle is to ignore what people say. If I believe in something then that should be enough.

But most times I am easily swayed by an unkind word or a snicker. I am blessed that I have friends and family who support me on each of these strange journeys I undertake.

I'm sorry my readers if this post of mine is disjointed...but it follows my state of mind right now.

I didn't knit a stitch yet this week. Thank goodness for meet-upon Friday or I would never get anything done.

Shade and sweet water,

Ruinwen

:)

One Thing Done

I want to say that I completed each and every one of my goals but that would be a lie. I think I always set goals too high and try to do too much *okay who is snickering?* :)

What I will say is that while reentry into the work week has not been easy I have managed better than before. While my staycay was actually more exertion then play; I felt rested for the first time in a long time. I was able to help put a big smile on my DH’s face and that makes me really happy.

While I ate things out of the norm for me I didn’t overdo and I didn’t gain an ounce either. I think I’m more fit now than when I started my vacation…all that lifting and moving.

As you can see I did get the blanket finished and I’m really happy with the way it turned out. I want to say that I was so good and picked up one of my WIPs and started it, but again that would be a bald-faced lie.

My friend and I went up to the Mannings in PA and I bought beautiful Malabrigo Silky Merino in Nocturnal. I needed to touch something wonderful for a while and we each promised the other we’d make one project from our trip. I picked a nice little tank top which I am almost halfway done with. Sorry, no pictures my photographer is having reentry issues also.

Next week hopefully everything will be back to normal.

I hope you all have a happy 4th if you live in the US…and a happy weekend regardless.

Ruinwen
:)

Isis

Hello everyone. This is my beautiful Isis that my sister brought me from Egypt. She was professionally matted and we finally found a place worthy of her. She makes me smile every time I see her.

We have gotten a lot done and played here and there. I'm tired and sore but when I look at the house I smile. A vacation lasts a week but my living room will be with me every day from now on. A good investment of our time indeed.

Hugs to you all.
Ruinwen
:)

The Color of Purple

"I never know what the next lesson is going to be, because we’re not supposed to know; we’re supposed to trust ourselves to discover it."

-- Melody Beattie

So this week the house is in flux. Everything has been moved so the nice man can paint the living room and all our stuff is crammed in the nooks around the house. The old TV has been moved up to our bedroom and I can’t wait to watch something on it.

Everything is happening much quicker then we thought it would and it amazes me how we were able to move everything in such a short time. Of course, most of the kudos go to DH because he was able to do a lot of the prep work and move a bunch of things before I got home. But I think I did my share too; which is why we make an awesome team.

Next week I am off so I’m not too mortified about the house being in pieces. I really want to put it back together slowly and clean up and dust everything before it goes back into place…if it goes back at all.

It feels good to accomplish a goal like this. These walls have never been painted since we moved in 15 years ago. I think I will like the magical purple color we picked. DH painted 3 different colored blocks on our walls; so the first thing you saw when you walked in the door was purple against white. Everyone picked magical as the wall color. It somehow seems right for us…if you know what I mean. ;)

I’m on the last square of the blanket so I should have all the trim and everything done by next week to show you. It will be great to finish it.

I have acquired more crystals. These are “aura” crystals that are the end result of an electrostatic vacuum process which uses intense heat to infuse different vapor deposits to natural quartz. The atoms fuse to the crystal’s surface and become part of the crystal as well as creating color and or an iridescent metallic sheen.

There are many different types and combinations of crystal that can be created through this process. The ones I have here are Aqua aura, Angel aura, Champagne Aura, Tangerine Aura, Ruby Aura and Tanzine Aura.

I am excited to work with these crystals. I have had in my possession for many years now some beautiful Aqua auras. I was leery at first thinking the process would harm the crystal but what I found was quite the opposite.

I know that tempering is a common metaphor to being tested and tried and coming out stronger at the end of the gauntlet. When I first experienced the Aqua aura energy, I was stunned at how powerful it was. I could feel it purifying the chakras and auric field of all the things that were not for my own learning and growth. All this was done in a gentle non-evasive way.

BTW I was able to use the rose quartz matrix this week and each shape took on its elemental guide and worked just like I’d hoped. I’m very happy with this set. They have such loving, compassionate vibrations.

I want to see what happens when I couple the rose quartz and the auras with the phantom…I need to spend a week just working with my crystals and luckily I have next week off just to do that!

Bright blessings to you all,
*hugs*
Ruinwen
:)

Plan A, B and C

"The problem is not that there are problems.

The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."

-- Theodore Rubin

Problems are a part of life; the trick for me is not to turn them into excuses. I’ve been trying to make a Plan A, B and C so when something doesn’t work out the way I wanted then I have something to fall back on.

I’ve found that this is a good practice for me because it helps me to not worry about an outcome if I know there is another chance for it to happen. I’m very easily discouraged and that emotion turned inward becomes rage. I’m trying to be very wary when my emotions start heading towards anger. When I find I’m upset for no reason I go back to taking cherry blossom essence and really try to pinpoint the root cause of this shift in emotions.

For instance, my last post had me up on Thursday night irate at myself that it was suddenly Friday and I had no pictures or prose of any sort. But instead of just skipping it and being mad at myself I used other pictures and jotted down a few things that were important to me and I had a post.

Voila! The anger never got a chance and I stopped it before it could voice another negative opinion on the subject.

I’ve been on a plateau in WW for a month now. Plateaus can try you to the point of insanity if you let them. I had to try Plan A, B, C, and even D before my scale started to move again. I know that I’ve been losing inches and fat is turning to muscle but I wanted to see that magic number change at WI.

The big thing was each plan took a week to implement. This is a life-change after all and I’m not in it for band-aids or quick-fixes. I’m in it for life. The easiest thing for me to change was to "eat more veggies". I really enjoy food that is in season and there are so many things you can put in a salad that I really look forward to mine each day.

The hardest thing for me to find time to fit in is working out. Because of our house situation, I can’t do the things I used to do. PROBLEM: It would be rude to work out in the morning right over the BIL and kid's heads and that was my optimum time to work out. PROBLEM: I can’t set up my machine because that room is now my BIL’s family room more or less.

PLAN A: So I’ve been walking. I walk around the block. On the weekends we go to the park and get a much longer walk as a family. My DH has to get at least 5,000 steps a day or he gets cranky. So it works great as a motivator.

PLAN B: On days it rains I plan to use the Wii Fit. There is a walking program in there and it is fun. Biking is harder because you have to steer too. So there is always the Wii.

PLAN C: Create a new exercise room. This would take money and planning and if things continue the way they are…might happen in the next few years. But in a pinch, I can take my little stair stepper which is crammed into the corner and use it. It has a nice burn after about 20 minutes and your legs feel like jello when you are done. Also, I can work out at lunch for 20 minutes and bring a bar on those days.

The point is I have options. And I’ve been fitting walking in rain or shine for the last month and I have finally come off that plateau! I have one more pound to convert to muscle until the Wii will be happy and sing accolades of my BMI being spot on.

On the knitting front, I’ve been concentrating on finishing the Community Lapghan. I just finished the 7th square and I’m starting on the 8th. I think this should be done trim and all by the end of this month and I’m very pleased with how it is coming out.

I’ve been doing a lot of work with crystals lately. Here are my rose quartz elemental representations. They have a loving, compassionate vibration and I couldn’t be happier with them. The water crystal has the most beautiful rainbow window in it. It could be an angel…I have to work with her more to find out.

And here is something to make our booth more appealing…cheese for the mice of course! I tried knitting the holes in the fabric but it didn’t felt so well. DH cut the cheese with all the different holes and I adore this little felt slice!

So all in all, things are progressing…life is ever-changing and I’m just trying to keep up with it…but that is okay.

*hugs to all of you*
Ruinwen
:)

Endings and Beginnings

This week went by so fast after our friend and family full weekend that I barely had time to breathe much less come up with a meaningful post. I’m a little behind in a lot of things but that is okay.

I completed a goal that I’ve been wanting for myself for four years and it felt really good. I always like to begin and end with a ritual for most things. I believe in honoring the cycles that our lives go through on this journey. To celebrate the joy of being a Mother yet moving on to a place where I will not be having more children (knock on wood…cross your fingers…say a prayer) I wanted to get my belly pierced. I know that sacred transitions always come with a little pain and a change that is more inward than outward and this is something I’ve wanted to do for some time now.

So I went with my BFF and it was a rite of passage ripe with tears, fun and pretty new sparkly things that remind me that while I’m not perfect…I’m an awesome Mom. And my body was amazing to gift me with the two children it did. And I will be and ever am thankful for the whole amazing process of the creation of new life.

That said. This is for me. It doesn’t mean I’m wearing low shirts or anything. For the most part, it is my secret only shared with a few friends who understand the meaning and importance of this simple act.

So meet my new phantom quartz crystal. This may seem like a simple thing but again it just a seed for something quite bigger than I ever thought possible. I’ll try and give you more on all that later on in the year when it makes sense to me. lol

Phantom crystals help to realign our actual self with our auric template. As a crystal with exact copies of itself inside it puts out an amazing amount of energy. Mine has seven phantom layers…which correspond to the chakras and the auric fields of the body. I could not be more pleased with this crystal. :)

I’ve been keeping up with my goals and finished another square on the MAK blanket and got another few squares done on Dianna too. I’ve got a knot on the board that I’ve been working on but this week has flown by and I never got to finish it…but that is what weekends are for.

Oh, and in my off moments, I’ve been learning sacred geometry. Shown above is the Flower of Life. Pretty neat stuff.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
*hugs*
Ruinwen
:)

And I almost forgot....the winner of the Celtic knot book is Geraldine! Congrats! Send me your address by e-mail okay...please and thank you! :)

Moving On

The message we give our bodies -- one of irritation or acceptance -- is the message to which our bodies will answer."

-- Deb Shapiro, Your Body Speaks Your Mind

I wanted to see how long it actually took to make one of these squares for the Quilt (Square counterpane With Leaves) blanket. There are 49 rounds plus the bind off to a square, and that really isn’t a lot. I finished a square during eight hours of TV...not consecutively.

There are a lot of things I really love about this pattern. One, I get to start it on dpn’s and then move to circs. I love using dpns…I don’t know why…but I do. Two, since there are four needles or four repeats; however you wish to look at it, there are four of them. I can spot check my numbers and see how everything is going on the first needle and then just "read" the knitting through the other three. This is my favorite part of the knitting process; when it becomes zen. There is no checking back and forth in the pattern because I have internalized it. And three, I love fitting it into the already knitted parts of the blanket and three-needle binding-off and “poof” it is done.

My goal here is to change the way I look at things. When I started this project I had in my head that it would be a long-term project. I think that translates to…I think I can work on this for a little bit and then put it away and not feel bad about it.

But really if I only knit on it a little each night I can finish a square a week without changing the way I do anything. BTW I can knit up a square motif during lunch during the day for my shawl. A little time each day is being devoted to my current projects and they are progressing nicely. My MAK scarf of the week is already done and passed on to the next person.

I’m feeling pretty good about my focal projects right now.

So I had to do this. There are all kinds of knotty ideas are going through my head right now. The greatest thing about this project is that we already had all the materials in the house. My blocking board served wonderfully as a knotting board. I was really happy how this turned out. This knot took no time at all.

See I must have wanted to do this before because I already had this book when I ordered it a second time. I must have thought about it and then beat myself up about how I couldn’t do it and then never even tried.

Well, I’m not that person anymore. I got my book this weekend and had a knot done before hubby could find the second cord from the garage. I can’t wait to tackle the harder ones.

So, if you want the extra book let me know. If I have a bunch of people who want it I will hold a raffle or something.

Oh, this came off the blocking board. It’s been there for a while and I totally forgot about it. What I need is one room where everything can live together so stuff like this doesn’t happen. But that is a dream that will have to remain on hold for a while.

Anywaaaaay, isn’t she pretty? I really enjoyed this knit and have enough yarn leftover to make a second one if I so choose.

As I end this month, I feel that I'm in a better place. I am certain that all this self-work that I have done has borne fruit and that I am stronger for it. I can clearly see that all the little changes I have made since the beginning of the year are forming a cohesive whole within my being. I know I still have a long way to go…but at least I feel like I’ve really committed to the journey this time.

Have a super weekend!
*hugs*
:)

Good Enough

"Let the waters settle

you will see stars and moon

mirrored in your Being."

-- Rumi

First of all, I wanted to say, “Thank you!” You are such kind, compassionate, sweet, good-hearted and special people. I am blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. *hugs*

So as this journey of mine continues I learn more and more about why I do the things I do.

It all started when I was a little girl and my parents had put me in an ice skating class. I loved to skate. There was nothing more fascinating to me then to watch the older kids skate backward. I wanted to do that more than my next breath. Gliding on the ice was like…magic.

But as my first real disappointment in life; it was not to last. As I graduated up to the next class I was told I would need a coach and as my Father explained it, “We just don’t have the money for that.”

As an adult, I understand that now. As a child, I did not. My little mind could not comprehend that “money” was in such short supply that I could not have this one little thing. I offered to pay for it with my allowance and Dad shook his head, “Your nickel a week allowance wouldn’t even begin to scratch the surface.”

Again words that have no meaning to a kid. So they put me in ballet. I loved ballet. I just adored dancing and the different positions. I liked the challenge of learning to move my body with grace. My first big performance I got to be a rock that transformed into a faerie in A Midsummer’s Night Dream.

After working so hard to be better at every movement, I was rewarded. They wanted me to go on point and train with the other beautiful ballerinas. I knew that my Father would be proud of me this time because I had worked so hard to get here. He was always saying to work hard and get good at things so he must see that I had thrown my whole being into my dancing.

But the answer was still "no" and I was pulled out of ballet.

They put me in piano but my heart was never in it. I never realized that when I hung up my dance shoes I had shut a piece of me away. I never realized that my belief became…never get good at anything or it will be taken away. And even more damaging…you must have never been good to begin with.

One thought…one moment…can change our entire being forever. Sometimes we never even realize how damaging those instances can be.

When I listed the things that have been on the needles I realized that they are not gifts that I never finished or promises I didn’t keep to others…they are all things that were intended for me.

Never finish…never get good…you aren’t good enough…it will be taken away.

Even now years later those words still influence me. And I realize what happens when I start something for me…the minute I fall in love with the pattern or the yarn…then I put it away. I am in a manner of speaking; taking it away from myself before someone else can.

So these feelings coupled with the others really make sense to me. Deep down I’m scared that when I finish something it still won’t be good enough. I have a lot of trouble taking pride in my work but I have been striving to change that…just like I’m trying to work through the abandonment issues of last post and the new revelations of this one.

I’m still on track with my goals. I finished another block of my lapghan at Spring Fest…that is four done; five to go. I haven’t done much knitting this week because of house things that had to be taken care of. Friday night I hope to work on my shawl and knock out a tier.

I stuck to WW even through Fair. Hubby put a beautiful anklet on me that he had made (will try to get a picture next time) and it is my constant reminder that I cannot gain…if I ever need one.

I have not had the money to sign up for the Nutrition Class yet. I refuse to just charge it. I have saved half of it and if it takes me until July to get the money together then so be it.

We’ve been asked to do some other shows with Vixenpath and we are seriously considering it. We have all kinds of new ideas to throw around and proto-type.

There is a lot of good going on…even if it is all in little baby steps. I can easily see how I created a paradigm out of Dad’s reaction so long ago. I seem to take the worst thing and hold onto it and not trust the best things that are being said. I am working hard to change this behavior.

I intend to shake off this negative way of viewing my talents. I am no longer shackled by the words in my head since I know them for what they are. I know now about money and that my Father’s decision was never related to my talent. I also know that when my Father recently told me how proud he was of me that he meant it. For the first time, I could see it for what it was and that was an amazing feeling after years of feeling “not good enough.”

As you can see our booth at Fair is full of family talent. People weren’t buying really but that is okay. We made back the booth and had a great weekend crafting and throwing out ideas.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. :)
*hugs*
:)

The Hole In My Heart

"The whole secret of freedom from anxiety over not having enough time lies not in working more hours, but in the proper planning of the hours."
-- Frank Bettger

This picture always makes me smile. These are the happy feet from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Socks. This was a community KAL we did where we each knit eight rows of any sock yarn on each other’s socks. It was fun and took no time at all but look at the results! Such amazing colors and variations! Mine are the pink and green ones…since I had to be totally crazy with them. lol

Right now we are doing a Malabrigo lengthwise scarf KAL. The yarn is so yummy. Four rows is not enough…I just want to keep knitting. lol

If you read this blog then you know that community is really big with me. I love giving back to the town I adore so much and I am always happy to hang out with my crafty friends. So once again we are doing our Community Lapghan project. One of the gals wanted to make her own lapghan instead of doing squares like we did last year and I thought that was a great idea!

So here is the start of mine. I’ll still make squares too and help join them…but this lapghan is will be completely made by me. I fell in love with this when I saw it on Ravelry. Everything for the Assisted Living has to be washable so I’m making it in Red Heart. My wonderful DH picked out the colors. My favorite part of this blanket is the three-needle bind off. I found a complementary colorway that has all the colors of the blanket in it from Carron. And while organizing my stash I found enough to do a border. *yay*

Speaking of organizing…I tried Dianna in the Blue Heron cotton and hated it. I even went to the third tier…again…just to see if my opinion changed when the squares were picked up. It didn’t. Don’t get me wrong the yarn is lovely…I just wasn’t feeling the cotton for this pattern.

DH and I rummaged through my stash to find something with long colorways with enough yardage…I find it so disheartening when I have all this stash and nothing ever works with it. But this time I found…way in the back…two balls of merino that I bought when I just started knitting…and I’d been saving for a shawl.

I know a lot of people hate lace with heavy yarn and big needles…but I find it irresistible it as long as the stitch definition is excellent. I am in love with this yarn…in love with this project…and I have made it past the third tier.

For me, shifting my focus to this one project is working. I cast this on for the third time on Saturday morning and look at it now! When you only have one thing to keep your attention on then it is amazing how quickly the knitting goes!

In this vein, I’ve come to a decision that I think will help me work through some of these pent up feelings that I have. Through this blog, you have seen me strive to understand how my feelings affect other facets of my being and I learned something about myself that I didn’t know before.

Having all these WIPs makes me angry at myself. I’m angry that I don’t have more discipline to finish what I started. Some of these projects are six years old. I’ve been working really hard on finishing them this year and my WIP stash has been cut in half already this year…but that is not good enough.

When I went to MD S and W…which was awesome….I saw at Brooks Farm, a shawl in their booth which I have at home. A shawl which I fell in love with and bought the yarn and even started…and then put aside in a basket three years ago.

And it made me mad at myself. And I realize that is what I feel every time I look at my WIP list which sits on my altar and greets me every day…anger….frustration…and general annoyance.

And really, I’m not pointing fingers at you my dear readers. Everyone has a system that works for them and I am not judging your choices or saying that my way is the right way. This is about me and my choices and how they affect my being.

Aries already have the boon that they are ruled by Mars…two war gods…an endless supply of untapped anger. I always have to fight to rein in my emotions…even if I am a generally happy person most of the time. I’m like an unlit match…it just takes one thing to cross that line and *poof* I’m fighting back the anger.

Whenever I find sources of potential anger that I can eliminate from my life; I jump at the chance to eradicate them.

This shawl has taught me a lot about myself. I realized that I kept casting on all these projects to fill a void in me that I didn’t know existed. But the abyss was not what I thought it was…and all the yarn and all the projects in the world would never fill the hole that existed in me.

This year for the first time in 23 years something else had filled that hole. For so long I’ve kept busy trying to jam pack every moment so I could make up for something I couldn’t forgive myself for…even if I thought I had.

And here it is in a nutshell…I got pregnant in high school and gave birth to a beautiful daughter. Wanting the best life for her possible I gifted her to another family who could love and care for her like I never could.

I know it was the right thing for me to do. But this little voice has always nagged at me for abandoning my child…for giving up and not even trying. That voice was the reason that my husband and I were going to only have cats instead of children. He has always been supportive of my feelings and I thank the Goddess every day for such a wonderful, loving partner.

One day everything in me shifted and I knew I wanted to create a child with this fantastic man…and we did. And that little bundle of joy started healing the hole in me from the day he was born.



I no longer feel like a “bad mother”. I may mess things up and all...because I am human. But I know every time my son hugs me that I must be doing something right. He gave me flowers for Mother’s Day…beautiful roses from my amazing little man.

Emotions are tricky…and just because the hole is healed it doesn’t mean that my feelings of love for my daughter have changed. It just means that I can look forward instead of back for the first time in 23 years.

I realize all these projects I have abandoned were to punish myself. All these years of starting things and not finishing them I was trying to sabotage myself. I can see that very clearly now.

My Mother did the same thing in a different way. She bought things to heal her hole from the past. Most times they never even got out of the box. And no matter how many things she bought the pain of the past never lessened.

I started things unconsciously intending not to finish them because for 23 years I’ve felt like a failure and I have created situations where I reinforced that sense of dis-accomplishment.

And now that whole cycle has been broken…I resent all these projects that I’ve abandoned…but I see the symmetry of how nature works and it makes me smile. I’m left with the emotions with no source or reason and it all feels out of balance.

So, in this bizarre journey, I have taken to understand why I do the things I do, I’m going to finish all my WIPs. After this beautiful shawl is done I’m going to commit my Summer to working on all my forsaken projects. I know if I can focus on one project at a time that I can finish all the ones that are left. So that is what I’m going to do.

I will give each project my love and support and treat it with respect. I will enjoy the process and honor the yarn with each stitch. This is not a chore but something I am looking forward to doing.

Then I can start a new project in the Fall with my needles and my head, free and clear.

Have a great weekend,
Ruinwen
:)