Shattered Focus

“A good intention clothes itself with power.”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“By becoming a conscious choice-maker, you begin to generate actions that are evolutionary for you.”

-- Deepak Chopra

I’ve read on the WW boards about people who say they had no choice but to go over their points. That by the time they got home there was nothing left of their daily allotment. But to me that says, they didn’t take the time to journal and figure out how many points they were consuming. The way I see it is that if they wanted…really cared about…having those points for dinner then they would have chosen to plan their day.

I know this for a fact because I was that person once. I ate what I wanted and got home and had no points left. I had to dip into my weekly allotment and it upset me to no end because I was saving that for sushi on the weekend. By the time the weekend rolled around I realized that there was no weekly allotment left and I ate salad, begrudgingly, when we went out.

WW has taught me a lot about life. With goals you either want them or you don’t. Sometimes one sets a goal just because they feel like they should, but in their heart, they have no intention of ever seeing it to fruition.

I’ve found out your mind will go along with creating whatever you truly want to create and it will stop you from bringing anything to life that you are not ready for. With most things, it is the intent that focuses the energy and brings thoughts into this reality.

It is amazing to me that one can have this idea in their heads for years and then the minute they write it out and make it “real” it starts to gain momentum. Once it is put on paper then the idea can be fleshed out and expanded upon as it gains power.

The problem that I’ve noticed with me is that I have too many things drawing on this creative energy at the same time. I thought if I did a little here and a little there, then I would at least be doing something. But I was wrong.

In my yarn craft more then any other aspect of my life; I lose my creative focus. There are so many pretty patterns which keep calling to me. Books…lure me with new ideas and vibrant hues. Blogs…Ravelry…magazines…it all is getting to be too much!

I’ve been so good about not buying new yarn…MD S and W doesn’t count. But the patterns…it is like an addiction and I’m trying to stop.

I think my creative focus fractures a bit with each one…as I ponder on how I can change it or what yarn would be perfect each new pattern takes a bit of my creativity and diverts it where it sits in a holding pattern. In my head, that pattern has become an idea that longs to be realized.

And all these ideas are overwhelming me but I am not casting on something new until I finish something old. I refuse. I am not going to scatter my focus like this anymore.

The truth is most patterns could be finished in little over a weeks time…if that…if only I would focus on one at a time then a project would have a beginning, middle and end that would follow a nice orderly fashion. Instead of my current…oooooh I love this pattern I must cast it on now….such pretty yarn…half way yawn…time to cast on something new…pattern sits in bag…and sits…I find it while looking for something else…think about working on it and decline…it moves to a new bag…time passes (sometimes years)…project is found again…why did I ever put you away…such pretty colors…such a nice pattern…pattern is finally finished…waits to block…yay, I actually finished something…pattern gets to be on the blog.

To stop this cycle I’m trying something new. This is totally against my Aries nature and I expect inner resistance. But like WW, financial serenity and my yarn diet when I decide something my mind knows that I’m serious. So, to that end, I am going to try and do one project from beginning to end without casting on another one in between. I am going to focus my intent and mind on that one project and not cast on another until it is done.

I have picked something very challenging. Dianna caught my eye even though I knew it would not be an easy knit. I just love the entrelac leaves made out of lace.

The first thing I did was make myself a chart. I have trouble with the phrase "knit the knits and purl the purls." For me it makes more sense if it is charted; so that is what I did.

I played around with big needles and yarn and made a few leaves. I wanted to make sure I remembered how to do entrelac since it has been a while. And I must say, I'm happy with the results.

So now I'm going to wind 1000 yards of my Blue Heron Deep Blue Sea that I've had forever. I wanted something with long legs of color...the fall colors swatch seemed way too jumbled for this pattern to me.

So this is my project. I will not cast on anything new until it is done. I'm being honest with you...that I have two other things that I will knit on from time to time. One is a KAL that I'm doing with the fine ladies from my community and the other is the lapghan project that I'm doing with the community.

So wish me luck as I once again realize that a swift would be wonderful.

Have a super weekend!
Ruinwen
:)

The Necessary Life

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so the necessary may speak.

-Hans Hofmann

Everybody has something that changes them to an elemental level; if only for a split second in time. There is at least one trigger for each of us that brings us back to our center and simplifies us. For me, there is a few and I’ve tried to embrace each of them more and more to combat the spiraling chaos that threatens to choke me.

Cuddling: This is number one on my list. I love being with the man I adore and intertwining our hands together. When we become two individuals sharing one energy field I just melt into him.

I also will cuddle with my son when he needs his “Mommy”. I am honored that he still sees me as a source of comfort even though he will be nine this year.

If our sweet fur Princess would allow it; I would cuddle with her too. But sadly she is DH’s cat and I’m only allowed to pet and coo and worship at her kitty paws. I miss my purry furry that curled up with me and loved to share my space. *sigh*

Water: I have loved the water as long as I can remember. I guess it makes sense since our bodies are mostly H20. I’m not really picky about how I get my daily dose either. I love taking a long hot bath, but a shower will do in a pinch. I listen to the ocean every night to lull me to sleep.

The ocean in itself is such a magical thing. The ebb and flow of the tides are so hypnotic to me; it’s the sweet song of nature itself from the womb of creation.

We used to go more often but as of late our money is a bit tight and it is either fix up the house or go on vacation. We can’t do both and stay out of debt. The adult in me is proud that I’ve learned that lesson…the child in me misses the ocean.

Comfort Food: There are so many foods that will change my mood entirely and sushi is one of them, but it is not what comfort food means to me.

When I was sick and feeling blah Mom made these amazing potato pancakes out of leftover mashed potatoes and they were so good. I’ve always felt that Mom’s food tasted so amazing because of the love she put in it. I try to put that same love into my food when I have the time to cook. I think it makes a big difference.

Unfortunately, those particular potato pancakes are bathed in butter as they cook and are now way too many points for me. And really I’ve tried to make them again and they were good but something was off. I think that they will just have to be remembered as a gift my wonderful Mom made me.

So maybe after thinking it over…sushi is my comfort food…it cycles me back to the ocean which I love. It is good for me and low in points and I get a smile on my face every time I eat it.

Creating: There is something magical about taking something like a ball of yarn and adding your energy and time and ending up with something entirely new.

Yarn calls to me all the time. I’ve been trying so hard to resist but this weekend is Maryland Sheep and Wool and I’ve set aside a nice sum to purchase new yarn without guilt and believe-you-me when I leave through those gates I will be skipping like a little child.

I knit, crochet, garden, cook, write and do a lot of creative things but there is this one thing that ties them all together; the moment when I am no longer doing the craft but I am one with it.

In writing, I will hear a noise and realize that I’ve been so immersed in my story that I’ve written eight pages. Or when I’ve got a pattern down and I no longer have to look at the chart and the rhythm starts flowing from my soul…that is when the magic happens.

That is when all the unnecessary falls away and this moment; the one I am living is all there is. Past…future…all the could haves or will becomes...disappear.

It is in these stolen moments that I gain my greatest insights. I believe they are a necessary food for my soul.

But one cannot live in this state of oneness for forever; not in the world as it is now.

As I write these words I remember the bank statement I have to fill out and write myself a memo so I don’t lose my train of thought. The phone rings, which sends me looking for a book for a knitter who needs assistance. Back at the keys…my son asks a question which I answer. I check my bank account in another tab to see if I can buy that essence my DH needs. Back to the post…my eyes lift and I see bills that I have to pay on Friday…I tuck them in my bag so they will not be forgotten. I realize after trying to read this and get my momentum back…the moment is gone…the words that I was trying to express have been said. Might as well as get a load of laundry in while I wait for the picture to upload in another tab….

See, that is life as I know it. But if I can take a moment here and there to focus on the necessary things that season my life with spirit and enrich my soul…then the chaos that precedes and follows those moments seems less stressful.


Before I go...I was blessed to receive a beautiful package from Heather. Thank you so much!!! She may not know this but I've never knit with glass needles or owned anything Rowan. So those two gifts are just priceless to me. The clips, magnets and egg cookers will all be treasured here.

I love the lavender sachets she made with her amazing creativity! You should check out her blog to see all the stuff she creates. Plus...she is a talented dyer as well.

So I guess I need to add my friends and family for they are truly the most necessary of all the things I treasure in my life. I am blessed and surrounded by so many wonderful people! From my BFF...to the people I'm lucky enough to call friends...to my virtual friends...to the reader that I may never know...thank you for sharing and enriching my life just by being in it. :)

*hugs to all of you*

Have a beautiful weekend!
Ruinwen
:)

Dear Diary

"The positive thing about writing is that you connect with yourself in the deepest way, and that's heaven. You get a chance to know who you are, to know what you think. You begin to have a relationship with your mind."

-- Natalie Goldberg

Journaling can be like talking to a good friend; only this time the “friend” is you. I often find when creating a post I learn new things about myself. Though I only blog once a week, I find it very rewarding to be able to reexamine myself through the written word.

I also keep a personal journal under lock and key. I have kept a diary of sorts since I was a little girl. Mom gave me my first diary to hold fast to my dreams and to keep a record of precious memories. I remember how awestruck I felt to hold the future in my hand represented by all those blue lines waiting to be filled with my thoughts and recollections.

For WW one of the tools, they suggest you use is the daily journal. This allows me to be accountable for everything that I consume. A daily food journal IMHO should be the first thing anyone who wants to make a diet change should employ.

I started out by guesstimating my food before I joined WW. I was shocked to find that things that I thought were healthy and good for me were 8 to 10 points…which is almost half of my daily allowance. I learned that my idea of portion sizes were all wrong. I learned how to accurately judge a serving.

The biggest change was my perception. Once I wrapped my mind around the fact that one piece of pizza could fill me up; I found that that one slice was enough. Through journaling, I found out that I felt that I was being deprived. So I found my triggers for deprivation mode and fed them.

When anyone gets fries, I take one. I only need one now. I always have one little piece of katsu…or a pepperoni…or anything else that is screaming at me. One little piece is usually enough to stop the craving.

Figuring out your triggers takes time. Learning about yourself is an on-going and sometimes exhausting process, but well worth it.

Last week I found out that I was guesstimating yet another aspect of my diet wrong. Apparently, I’ve gone from mostly sedentary to mildly active and I didn’t even know it. I’ve been eating under my points for about a month now.

With the Pokewalker I’ve been pushing the steps to between 8,000 and 10,000+ a day...(still no surfing Pikachu). Apparently, that makes a huge difference in my activity level. Enough that I got back 2 points a day…that is 14 extra points a week!

DH had the same problem and had to readjust his calories.

I find that lately, I have more energy and commitment to my life changes. I’ve been working with MAP and found essences that were calling to me. Both modifications to my care program have made a huge difference in how I feel and act.

Another thing that has changed is I wanted to knit some challenging pieces. The MAK girls gave this to me for my birthday and I’m in love with the process of watching the leaves form. I still have a little bit to go and it will have to be seriously blocked but I love working on it!

I love Knitpicks because you can get anything as a kit so that is what I did. I also bought this and can’t wait to start it.

I’m getting ready to start my blanket/square drive for the Assisted Living with our talented crafting community.

Spring Fling is around the corner too.

I’m trying so hard to be organized and give a little time to each of these areas so they don’t all hit me at once. But with MD S and W around the corner…I tend to get distracted. lol

Bright blessings and happy crafting.
Ruinwen
:)

Happy Earth Day!

photo is from: http://s266.photobucket.com/home/DIANASMOON

Happy Earth Day!

What I Want

“Please… tell me who you are and what you want. And if you think those are simple questions, keep in mind that most people live their entire lives without arriving at an answer.”

-- Gary Zukav

I am the kind of person who is trying to do so much at once that it is easy to get lost along the way. Right now I have a bunch of solid goals and I am walking on the pathways that lead to them. It is impossible to think I can do them all at once but still, I try.

I want to be a healthy weight and despite certain adverse eating days when I could have just pigged out, I have remained true to WW. I keep losing a bit here and there since now I'm whittling away the hardest weight. Each pound lost these days brings with it a new bout of emotions to sift through. I haven’t let it weigh me down again (pun intended) and I haven’t eaten out of anger or sadness. And to me it is not a diet – it is a life change.

I want to be able to handle my full load of overwhelming emotions. These emotions keep building until they attack me with full force. I use the weapons of my trade; Reiki, MAP, Essences, Mantras, Meditation, Ritual, Yoga, Journaling, Prayer and anything else I can think of. But more and more I just want to run away and cry; I want to go somewhere that is separate from my life. So on Sunday, I did and it felt good to sit by gurgling water surrounded by flowers and nature.

I want to be able to use my healing more. For me, this is easy since I am using it as much as possible in a myriad of ways. But I want more than that. I want to find a place that is looking for someone like me, since creating that place cannot happen right now as we had previously planned. I’m working on getting the money for my Nutrition course and hope to have it all saved up by May.

I want to be able to do a project from start to finish without getting sidetracked. I fear this is impossible. I met a woman at knit group who only ever has one project on the needles at a time. ONE. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t do that. As of this post, I have 17. I’m ashamed of that. I know that Aries are not known for endings and completions since they are on the fire, energy side of the chart…but still. It isn’t that I don’t finish things; because I do.

I find it so hard to focus on things. I’ve been trying to find a stitch for the washcloth of my spa set. And this is the one I’ve fallen in love with. I bet you thought I’d just placed my spa idea aside as a flight of fancy. And heck, I would not blame you in the least. But this time my dear readers I have been working hard to make and test the products that were in my head.

The round little crochet face scrubbie I love. I’ve had it now a month or so and it is doing great. I have been throwing it in the wash with the towels at it seems not to mind at all. So I think this is a winner.

The washcloth is light and airy. I wanted a mesh that would hold soap, yet not be so heavy that it took away from the experience.

I have an idea for the actual puff…but I haven’t worked it out yet.

As much as I try and at least cast off one project before I cast on another…I cannot stay focused on one project. At least I do a little here and there on each one and none is totally forgotten. I’m trying to add them all to the sidebar so I’m accountable for them.

So what did we learn today? I’m a mental and emotional mess who is on hold for her next phase of healing classes. I can’t seem to stay focused enough to finish anything but I look darn good not doing it. lol

Have a great day,
Ruinwen
:)

Note: This pic was made from my new IPad on the Doodle program. The goal is that I can take my IPad with me and be able to put together a post. BTW...I love the IPad. I've already downloaded a book to the reader and I love that I can search through the text when I need to find something fast. I love the big screen that I can embiggen whenever I need to with a pinch.

You are What you Eat

"The spiritual life is a call to action. But it is a call to ... action without any selfish attachment to the results."

-- Eknath Easwaran

If I can be quite honest with you; I’m being called. And the voice that started out in gentle dulcet tones is now up to a dull roar. Since I am clairaudient, I usually can discern what direction I’m being pulled in, but this…this is different.

I thought this was getting back to using my herbs…and it is. I thought this was doing more healing…and it is. I thought this was about maybe becoming a Weight Watchers leader…and it is. I thought this was about eating more local food…and it is.

Confused…yeah, so was I. I really had to focus to understand what would tie all these separate issues together into one cohesive whole.

I have an ND (Doctor of Naturopathy). I am a certified herbalist, Bach essence practitioner, and Reiki Master.

Really, if I could practice healing full time…it would be the perfect vocation. But…I just haven’t found a venue that allows me to do what I love and make enough to help support our family.

So when the Goddess started urging me in a direction I was hesitant…as if I know what is best for me? I had to swallow all that fear that comes with branching off of what one knows and listen with an open mind and heart.

It seems that the path I’m on may have many spokes but at the heart of them is the fuel that allows us to exist…food. What we eat determines how hale and hearty we are. When what we consume cannot fulfill the needs a functioning body has, then something within us suffers. Poor digestion interferes with nutrient breakdown, absorption, and metabolism; it allows toxins to remain in the body and accumulate which then over-stresses the body

For example, heavily processed food requires the support of more pancreatic enzymes (the enzymes that aid in digestive processes) than whole foods. This causes an imbalance in our systems that we may not even be aware of. Some of the symptoms of this imbalance are: gas, bloating, muscle pain, skin disorders, insomnia, constipation, diarrhea, and heartburn.

This progression steals enzymes from the immune system to help with the digestive process…thus weakening the immune system. If the digestive process becomes sluggish, then the toxic load that it usually filters out becomes yet another hardship for it to handle. The weakened immune system then has trouble fighting off the excess free radicals (everyday toxins)…and then the whole system is compromised.

Okay, so I’m sure you’re like…this is fascinating Ruinwen but what is your point?

I’m going to get my certification as a Nutritionist. I took a class in it for my ND. I’ve learned so much about healthy eating over the years. And it really ties together everything I want to do and hope to become.

Yes, I’m scared about fitting in classes into an already crammed life…yes, it is a bit of money but I have to trust the Goddess to provide and to know what is best for me.

A Nutritionist certification opens doors for me that were previously closed and it only upgrades my ND work. It will come in handy if I become a WW leader. It will only benefit my family and help us in our journey to good health.

I find nutrition fascinating. There are so many parts of this course that I really think I will enjoy. I can’t wait to learn more about the healing power of foods.

So this blog is going to become even more diversified as I start a new leg of my journey.

Finally, an amazing piece of news…Dad sold the house pretty much right after it went on the market. I’m sooo happy that it won’t be there to vex him. I wish the new owners blessings and I hope it is a haven of serenity and happiness.

Have a wonderful weekend!
Ruinwen
*hugs*
:)
Note: The above snow is the kind I really love; cherry blossoms scattered everywhere changing the concrete to a hue of pink.

I Am Worth It

"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures."

-- Henry Ward Beecher

In Feng Shui, one can rearrange elements of a room to change the flow of chi through it. A stagnant space can suddenly become a haven of serenity by moving 27 items. Why 27? Nine is considered the number of longevity in Feng Shui, and multiplying it by three, the number of growth, will welcome in a continuous string of prosperous changes into your life.

We moved our living room around and focused on creating more flow and I am very happy with the results. I feel more relaxed now when I sit on the couch. I actually feel less sluggish and find myself getting in a dozen rows every night on the project de jour.

We’ve decided to not stop there. This summer we will have the room painted in a hue of violet or mauve. We had originally decided on a deep purple color but we think that now that we’ve opened up the space; the color should be full of serenity and light.

It is amazing what a coat of paint and a few alterations can do to bring new life into an area.

This weekend I want to get my hair cut to go with my new modifications. Last weekend I reached my original WW goal and I am in my skinny jeans again! Now I am on to the next goal which is the one the Wii has set for me. It wants me to have a good solid BMI and so do I. And I’m all good with that. I want to be a healthy weight.

Towards that end, I started carrying a Pokewalker. This is part of the new Pokemon game. It is a pedometer that you carry around with you all day and you can earn things for the game by how many steps you take. I saw this and fell in love…Pokemon and getting healthy…for me what could be better than that? My sister and son are doing it too. We had to get permission from school and daycare that he could carry it and not touch it during the day. But I think it is a wonderful way for us gamers to promote good health. Yay Nintendo!

So, this week I’ve been working on something I am really bad at…honoring my time. I do a lot of things pro bono. I honestly can say that I get two or three knitting emergencies a week that I help with and ask for nothing. I truly believe that friendship is a gift in itself and hate asking for anything more.

Those near and dear to me think that I should be compensated for my time. They believe that I’m dishonoring myself and the gift that I’ve been given if I give away my services all the time; especially if it stops me from completing something that I was working on.

I never really thought about it that way until last week. A friend and student of mine needed help finishing a prayer shawl and in the beginning, it seemed a simple task. So I added three feet on it during a movie marathon weekend of knitting and handed it back feeling it was a job well done…only to find that she wanted it to be 7 feet, not 5.

So this was okay. I needed to order more yarn (which she paid for) to finish the task and thank goodness for WEBS ‘cuz they had 7 balls of the stuff. The last remaining three feet took a little longer because I didn’t have another entire weekend freed up like that for just knitting. So at the end, I had worked 40 hours on the shawl and that didn’t count me actually being the one to start it all those months ago or me ordering the yarn to finish it.

When people have asked to pay me in the past I always have said, “I work for $5 an hour or barter of goods or services.” I think this is fair and I know others who charge more. Fixing a pattern is not always an easy thing to do and many times I have to rip it out and start it over. Most times I just ask that they buy me a drink at Starbucks or something small if they have to do something and it was a quick fix.

Equating my time is a very gray area for me. I found it very hard to tell my friend that it took 40 hours of work to finish her prayer shawl…and at $5 an hour…well, that was a lot of money. But after talking to many friends they argued that if I keep devaluing myself I will only hurt my self-esteem in the long run.

So we agreed on cash and barter and she was happy to have her shawl done to give to her friend and I felt valued as a knitter. In the end, it was a win/win situation.

But it was really hard to get to that end point. I don’t know why I find it so hard to ask for services rendered like I have committed some grave sin. I know if I go into town and ask for advice I will be charged $25 for 15 minutes of instruction at one of the yarn stores. Then my $5 for an hour looks pretty okay. This is just one of those areas I will really need to work on in my personal makeover.

Some actually knitting happened this week and I am in love with the way the dark purples seem to float in the air like lavender fields and the suri adds lightness and soft hues to the deep purple. This fabric is light and different then anything I’ve ever made. Since the yarns are both from Knitpicks; the colors match and flow with each other beautifully. The suri is so unbelievably soft. I really am pleased the way that this is coming out.

To those that celebrate Easter; I hope yours is full of family and happiness.

We are bringing a home cooked meal to the Assisted Living for my Mom and Dad. We are making one of those dishes that my Mother used to make for the holidays. I’m crocking a pork shoulder with veggies so we can be healthy and celebrate at the same time. I’m still working on picking a desert that is mid-ground.

Slowly all the pieces are coming together…how to meld everything so it creates a new reality. It takes work and time but like a beautiful piece of knitting; one day you wake up and there is a flow that wasn’t there before. You realize instead of struggling with every step that there is a give and take that creates harmony when you stop struggling and start living.

May your days be blessed with happiness,
Ruinwen
:)
We went to the circus last weekend. This picture really makes me smile. The elephants were really amazing. :)

Light and Shadow

"Our lives improve only when we take chances ... and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves."

-- Walter Anderson

I’m at this point in my life change/goals…whatever you want to call it…I have to brutally honest with myself and face my shadows. I find this the hardest step of all.

I find after years of taking care of everything for my self and my family to a large degree; I find that don’t like to not be holding the reins in regard to my destiny. I continually have to bite my tongue to stop the “word vomit” from saying things I don’t really mean.

And this is hard for me to admit but it is happening more and more where I just feel so argumentative over the stupidest things because suddenly I’m afraid of not being in control of a situation.

"There are no guarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary."

-- Emmanuel

I don’t even know why this is so important…being in control. I do know from my essence work that it is a fear of something…but I’m not sure what.

So that is a big shadow that looms over me right now and I’m not sure what to do about it until I know where it is coming from.

The thing about shadows is they can’t exist without light. This weekend was full of sunshine and blue skies.

I think that I’ve finally gotten over last year where our weekends were dedicated to my parents and the house. These last two weekends have left me feeling rested and fulfilled at the same time.

We’ve cleaned and gotten rid of old things...especially clothes...and recycled or gifted them. We’ve made strives to create a home for two families where both have more places to put things like shoes and gloves. We’ve rearranged and let in more good chi and light into our living room.

This weekend we welcomed in Ostra as the evidence of Spring is everywhere around us. I pretty much just reinforced my New Year’s goals. I was happy to see that last year’s goals pretty much came to fruition…even if I didn’t record that fact here.

I usually prepare a big feast but DH wanted to go and eat BBQ outside and honor the day that way and really…it was a great idea. We then built a fire outside on the slab and had ritual on the deck. It was a huge change from having it inside at the hearth…but this is probably the first warm Ostra we’ve had like this in years.

My herb garden seemed to survive the winter better then I’d thought it would. I have new shoots and green leaves bursting forth. Smelling the aromatic fragrances of all my beloved green friends was a wonderful blessing indeed. My son has taken an interest in herbs and he helped me clean out the beds and prune the dead branches.

I have spent a lot more time with him now that we have time to spend, and he is turning into a wonderful young man. I have watched him really blossom this year in so many ways. I am so proud of all he has overcome and his compassionate nature. He is such a blessing to my life.

DH and I have had more time to talk again…which is something that I missed last year. We even got in some morning snuggle time on Sunday which made the whole day even better.

There seems to be a little time for everything again. And there is a balance being restored that is stronger than the chaos trying to pull it apart.

I know that there will always be shadows in my life; but as long as there is plenty of light as well…I will be okay.

Bright blessings and warm sunny hugs,
Ruinwen
:)

Note: The cherry blossoms are from my childhood home. They would always herald spring's return for us. Our street would be lined in sweet pink and at the first rain or wind, we would be surrounded with pink snow. I will miss them this year as they join a list of memories dear that will be held forever in my heart.

PROMISES KEPT

"Joy is prayer - Joy is strength - Joy is love - Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls. She gives most who gives with Joy."

Mother Teresa

I made a promise that I couldn’t keep for one reason or another last year. This year I intend to make good on it.

There is a wonderful blogger friend of mine who always has a kind word and sympathetic ear (actually that sums up most of you *hugs*) who got together with me on a spiritual exchange of sorts. I picked out a pretty purple mohair to cast on the Athena Smoke Ring from The Knitting Goddess by Deborah Bergman.

Athena the Goddess of wisdom, warriors, spinning, harmony and a bunch of other things, would many times follow her heroes around invisibly. As I’ve knit this I have envisioned this cowl protecting my friend…inspiring her and allowing peace and harmony to enter in when times are stressed and hectic.

Each stitch has been made with love and respect for a wonderful, beautiful human who enriches my life just by being in it.

I find this knit flying off my fingers…working on it seems to be blessing me with a deep inner peace. The purple changes to violet at times and reminds me of the chakra progression. I can feel the fiber hum with delight as a connection is made as I spiral around again and again.

As I weave in the final ends a fleeting mantra dances in my mind. “There is no beginning…no end…there is only now.”

I’ve been so worried about making all the pieces fit...I’d forgotten that the glue that binds it all together is Spirit dancing between the moments in my life.

What makes us forget the things that are really important? Why do we momentarily forget who we are?

There is a story about the Gods hiding in men’s hearts because They knew that no one would look for Them there.

Overwhelming emotions so easily can destroy our sense of balance and distort our well being. Thank the Gods that Spirit stays waiting patiently within us until we can once again see the light.

My journey right now is still in the crawling stages. When you start out everything is shining and beautiful. The scenery is new and exciting and I am full of hope and good cheer.

I am starting and finishing things…which, is a lot for this Aries.
I am staying true to my WW points and the weight keeps slowly coming off.
I continue to work out and my body starts to enjoy it more and more.
Slowly I’m paying that one big bill down and there is an end in sight…it may be many months down the road…but it will happen this year.
I am balancing chores with the things that are really important like time with family.

For now, this is enough.

Bright blessings to you and yours,
Ruinwen
:)

Note: I wrote this post a while ago when I finished the cowl since this was to be a secret project I didn’t want to post it yet so the emotion woven through it is quite different even if the message is the same.

Erin Go Bragh!

May the blessings of the green isle and the "good neighbors" be yours today.
*hugs*
:)

Musings in My Shower

"The body has its own way of knowing, a knowing that has little to do with logic, and much to do with truth, little to do with control, and much to do with acceptance, little to do with division and analysis, and much to do with union."

-- Marilyn Sewell

So, I’ve been sick since last week with a cold that is really hanging on. Despite that, I’ve only missed one day of work and have kept up with most of life.

In my quasi blurred state, I’m having trouble tracking my thoughts so this may not be my most poignant post. But the act of posting is very important to my well being. I find that expressing myself through this blog is helping me to heal and become a better person.

After writing about “staying true to one’s beliefs” in my last post I began thinking about bath scrubbies. *yes you heard me right*

My little scrubbie is made of plastic and I really haven’t thought about it before. But really, I should be using something that I can wash easily…that is gentle on the skin…yet abrasive enough to do the job that scrubbies are faced with.

So my next big task is to make a scrubbie that is eco-friendly and kind to the skin as well. Something that can be thrown in and washed with the towels and at the same time will help my soap become good and lathery.

Life is made up of little things that make a difference on such a small scale that by themselves they might seem to barely matter. But if you piece together all these little things they form a greater cohesive whole.

Saving money is like that…one dollar might not be much but keep putting away a dollar here and there and it grows to a much larger sum.

I had trouble saving in the beginning because I felt guilty that I was paying myself first…yet, that is what all the money gurus tell you to do. Also, I thought it would be better to pay off my credit card rather than save money but I was wrong there too.

I was lucky enough to have a money guide that taught me that doing anything with money is like dieting…it takes time, commitment and diligence. My guide told me that you should always pay more to the card then the minimum payment calls for…even if you can only do it by a few dollars.

This gets you in the habit of adding in a little more and as the money frees up those extra dollars add up. The habit is just as important as the money itself.

At the same time, he told me, you should put away a little. I could only do $25 a month at first. So I opened an ING account because the money was out of sight and out of mind. But again the amount was not what was truly important…the habit of saving was.

When I started this financial serenity plan four years ago I wasn’t sure I could stick to the budget I had created which also included daycare, charities, a UTMA and 529 for my son and all the little behind the scenes things I pay for each month.

A budget is much harder than a diet. In a diet, you can say, “No, I won’t eat that,” and go on with your day. You can’t say to your budget, “Sorry, I’m not fixing the car this month…or no, I won’t take my child to the doctor.”

That is what I found out the savings is for. So when life hands you lemons you can say, “Well, I’m glad I had an emergency fund for that.”

That moment of clarity when you realize your financial serenity isn’t some far day in the future…instead it is now…this moment. And for me, that was a beautiful feeling.

Was there a point to this ramble of disjointed thoughts that I had while using my plastic scrubbie in the shower?

Actually…yes.

All things truly worth having take time and effort. You can’t put into effect big changes in a day…but you can make little continual changes that in the long run enrich your life.

* germ-free hugs and bright blessings*

:)

Notes:
First of all, I only wish that was my shower.
Second, I know that everything I have is a blessing.
Third, I'm not suggesting my financial guidelines should be followed by anyone but me...I'm just writing my process to financial serenity. It has been a long hard road for me...but I think I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. But that may just be an oncoming dragon. ;)

The Path We Choose

"More important than finding the teacher is finding and following the truth of the teaching...."

-- Sogyal Rinpoche

Walking Your Talk is a New Age buzz phrase that you hear a lot of these days. But what does it really mean?

There is a story told about Mahatma Gandhi:

A lady brought her son and said he ate too much sugar. She wanted Gandhi to tell him to stop. Gandhi said to bring the child back the next week. The next week she brought the child and Gandhi said “Stop eating sugar child”. And the child did. A month later the lady came back and said: “My child has done what you asked, but why could you not have spoken to him the first time I came.” “Lady”, said Gandhi, “a week earlier I was still eating sugar”.

“Walking Your Talk” is living what you say. It makes you accountable for actually following your personal beliefs, tenants, laws, commandments or rules that govern your life.

It is a hard path to follow. And it makes you think…a lot…about every choice and each thing you say and do.

For instance, when I realized that my son was being subject to a toxic soup of bath and shampoo products…I felt that I had not followed my healing path. It was a horrible awakening and I threw everything away from cleaners to beauty products.

Now we only use natural products. Natural products have a shorter shelf life because there are no preservatives in them. There are no separators to keep the product looking good; so many times you have to give your product a good shake before using. But who cares? It was so worth it to switch!

It is like my diet. I am dedicated to it. I track my points. I eat on points. End of story. I made a commitment to myself and that is that. When someone says, “Go on eat it; it doesn’t matter,” I get upset. It really does matter to me.

Ask any recovering addict if taking one (fill in a vice of choice) will destroy all they have worked so hard for. The things that we believe in, that shape the way we live may be personal but they have meaning.

I am watching the pounds fall away and a new me take shape inside and out. And it feels really…good. Today I wore a top that I haven’t been able to fit in for two years…last night I slept on my stomach for the first time in two years. Yes, they are two little things that don’t mean much in the grand scheme of things…but to me they are gems in my crown.

And these things are only possible by staying true to my beliefs and walking my talk.

This is Ishbel done and blocking. I love her. She was a struggle...but well worth it in the end.

On the craft front, I’ve been knitting from stash. My stash…like my WIP list…is huge. I keep thinking I have a handle on everything and then I find another poor project tucked away and forgotten. I’m trying to round up all these orphans and either finish them or frog them.

I’ve been working hard to finish things up and not start up a project until another is done. And that is going really well. I have finished up more projects already this year then I had finished all of last year. I’m working on making things for fair too.

All this has a deeper meaning because if the projects are under control then I will start designing again. This is not an easy process but it is one that I enjoy. Taking an idea in my head and getting it to adhere to gauge is always very challenging for me. I am horrible with math and I end up having to ask DH to check my calculations.

Everything flows into something else and all things have meaning if one takes the time to look.

When I started to think about walking it made me ponder each step. Steps seem so insignificant by themselves but without each leg of a journey, we would never get anywhere. Without each foot following the other; we would stand still.

Each goal is like this. Each one has steps to achieve it. To try and do all the steps at once will spell disaster, but to do the best you can in working towards your goals each day will bring forth a satisfying journey. And before you know it you will be at your goal.

But you must be dedicated and true to your purpose. It doesn’t have to be a grandiose goal…just important to you.

I'm sorry to reuse a photo...but my mouse stuffer is not feeling well. The ones I made this week were magenta and a heathery blue that changes color with the light.

One of my craft goals is to have 20 mice made by the end of the month. I’ve got 7 knit up already. :)

Little steps…each one leads to another…and one of these days I’ll find myself somewhere…all I know is that I intend to enjoy the journey.

*hugs*
<3 br="">Ruinwen
:)

Spirals of Change

So, one of the little things I’ve been doing to keep me motivated during all these life changes is to reward myself now and then. For every five pounds lost I’ve been buying a little something. And at the 10 pounds gone mark, I thought it should be something really special.

I always wear a pentagram. To me, it sums up my religion; man at one with the elements and nature. And every few years I get a new one to celebrate a change in self.

I must say I fell in love with this at first glance. Garnet is my magical stone and it is red…and I’m all about the red…being a Mars/Aries. The flower morphing from the penti is just beautiful since I am an herbal healer. I feel this really emphasizes the 5 fold path that I follow also. So this is my new penti and I love it. It is so me.

It is funny as I lose pieces of myself I find myself discovering more and more of my true inner core. I was writing my sweet sister about how all the ice is really resonating with me. Because I feel like my soul has been frozen and now it is melting and revealing something that I had forgotten.

I guess I had overlooked the fact I was still in there.

You know Doctors will tell you that when you shed fat that a lot of toxins are also let go with it. As a healer who can feel energy, I believe that pockets of energy are also held captive in the body and released at this time.

Let me heal “geek” for a moment. There are meridians or channels which run through your body. When a person is blocked, energy, chi, prana or whatever you call it, cannot circulate. This blockage will eventually cause some sort of discomfort on one or more of the three levels: physical, mental or spiritual.

The meridians run through the limbic system of the brain where emotional memories are stored and moods are regulated. It is believed that meridians hold our unresolved emotions and feelings. When you free up the energy blockage these emotions are also freed.

I’ve found that these emotions being freed brings about different changes in me day to day and I’ve just been flowing with them. I’ve been listening to the different complaints my body is making and striving to “heal” that part of myself that has been neglected.

For the first time in…forever…I am awake with my alarm and not dragging or tired but rested and fresh and ready to take on the day…without coffee. If you know me…you know I love my coffee…but it was always an occasional thing and then I started using it to wake up and by the end of the day, I was just…done.

I found out daily coffee is not good for my personal being. It was hurting me and I didn’t even know it. So, I’ve been off it for a month now. I’ve been having this amazing Himalayan Black tea which sis got me for Yule that I really, really love first thing in the morning and it has made such a difference.

One change has spiraled into another and now heading into March I can honestly say that every step has been worth it.

Here is a scarf I started a while ago with yarns I could only afford one skein of. This weekend thanks to my BF, I finished it. It is just a simple garter stitch done lengthwise...but to me, this is more than a scarf. To me, this is keeping a promise to me. I always put the projects that are going to me aside to do things for others. And while it is good to be giving and kind...one should give that same respect to the self. So this was another way to honor myself and it really felt good!

Finally, Ishbel is off the needles and drying right now. This is the first project that I have "blocked the heck out of". I can't wait to see what she looks like. I think IMHO this may be some of the finest lace I have ever done.

So all in all, this was a good week. The skies are threatening and the wind is howling but I finished two projects so in the grand scheme of things...I'm pretty darn happy.

*hugs to you all*
<3 br="">:)

Life-lines

One of the hardest things I went through last year is that my Mother, my best friend, and confidant...has lost her short term memory. The woman I relied on for years with all the silly little things in my life...the wonderful friend I trusted with every secret...needs me now.

And I realize that it is very selfish of me…but sometimes I just want my Mommy. I want to cry and tell her how I really messed up…or have her eyes show with pride over something I’ve done…or have her give me advice peppered with wisdom and age.

And I don’t know if it is the snow, or taking off a layer of fat that had a memory stored away or even the essence working to heal me…but it is like I am reliving it all over again.

From a healer’s standpoint, it means I didn’t work through it the last time…I just accepted or hid it or whatever. Everything was so crazy last year and there was little time to think…but now…now with the snow piled up and white as far as the eye can see…I’m thinking…

It’s like a life-line in knitting. You can rip back to the row before your mistake and work through the whole thing again…which, is what I had to do with Ishbel. This little lace pattern is taking much more patience then I thought it would. So I’ve got life-lines and markers at every repeat…which move with each row and every repeat; so really it is a pain in the butt.

But this time I’m taking it slow and really focusing and I'm back to where I started before I ripped. The lace is starting to emerge and I remember why I chose this pattern. I love lace. I love the way the holes and paired decreases tell a story and paint a picture with negative space. Which is why I chose the frozen spiderweb for this post. There is something so magical about a web; spiders are knitters, after all, making their own personal lace that adorns nature with such great beauty.

I’ve been thinking about the world waiting to emerge as the seasons begin to change...(I know what Phil said...and I'll be up to my eyeballs in snow till Summer...but let a girl dream 'kay?) ...and honing my spiritual seeds that I will plant at Ostra. I always make this little container of sorts that hold the seeds of the things I hope to accomplish this year. I’m not sure what container I am creating this year…but I’m meditating on it.

My personal “container” continues to get smaller and my muscles are getting stronger too. My clothes are really fitting better and I can already wear a few things I couldn’t at the beginning of the year. This weekend my Wii adjusted my avatar to the "normal" range. *and there was much rejoicing*

So all in all…I’m doing okay…much better then a few weeks ago.

*hugs to all of you*
Ruinwen
:)

A Breather

Here is our neighborhood during the 2nd blizzard.

Here is Widdershins chillin' with the boys.

The winds crafted some wicked icicles.

These are my favorites. These icicles have been there since just after Christmas...and I suspect they will not be going away any time soon.

Here is my completed scarf for Spring Fest. It feels good to finish a project that is not due for a while. I've really been trying to keep to my goal of three projects on the needles; one for me, one for charity and one for Vixenpath.

I rewarded myself by casting on this. Knitnana really inspired me to give this scarf/shawl a go. This is super yummy Araucania Ranco in color 105. I must say even though I struggled with this pattern because I can't count...no really...I'm totally in love with the subtle change in color and the delicate lace vines starting to emerge.

I want to thank everyone who wrote to me cheering me up. I think this season is a test of my will...more then others passed. I did do my reading and I was gifted with this wisdom.

• The ice that covers everything symbolizes a transition between the conscious mind and the subconscious mind.
• Quality time with your family will assure them of a secure future.
• Whatever you begin or straighten out now, will last for years.
• Discover future cycles in your life.
• And the God and Goddess will always care for all of their children.

A lot to ponder. But being snowed in with your family for two days gives you time to think.

My essence came UPS...in the snow...FES rocks! So I have been using it and I feel a bit lighter...but that could be because I lost another pound! My clothes are fitting better and better and I'm really proud of how much I've accomplished.

Baby steps...

I can't believe it is Friday already. I can't wait to sit and knit tonight in front of the fire.

I wish you all a wonderful, safe and happy weekend.

Ruinwen
*hugs*
:)

*Oh, a shout out should go to DH who photographed all my pictures. Which reminds me as Valentine's Day rounds the bend...Thank you, honey, for always doing my photoshoots...it means so much to me to have pictures to post again. I love you!

Is it Spring Yet?

"Knowing others is wisdom; knowing the self is enlightenment."

-- Tao Te Ching

I feel lost today. This weekend I felt really blah and stayed cuddled under a blanket while it snowed. I figured the world was under a mantle why not me?

This morning I woke from a dream as my alarm went off…very reluctantly.

I was searching in the dream for a tarot deck because mine had been sold and I was now missing certain cards. Every time I looked at them they were shrouded in mist and impossible to read.

I had just figured out how to get to the tarot store and gotten the nice lady’s attention when I was forced to wake up in the real world.

I feel like I am missing something…

something important…and I just don’t know what it is.

I think I will do a reading tonight before bed and see if I can find some answers.

But for now, I’ll muddle through as I usually do.

More snow is on the way…any snow will be enough to close us down again…most schools are out today…the Govt is off…side roads are disastrous…

*sigh*

I did get some knitting done and I got in three loads of laundry. I stayed on points and even had a loss again. I’m trying…really I am.

Where ever you are I hope you are safe and happy.



Oh, and those of you who are jealous of my snow...we left a big pile at the end of the driveway that you can come and take at any time...really. ;)

*hugs*
Ruinwen
:)

The Blizzard of 2010

Just wanted to show you a peek of how awesome this storm was. I'm not sure what total inches were...because of drifts.

*winter hugs to you all*
Ruinwen
:)

This or Something Better

******************************
This is our last snow storm on Wednesday this week...as you read this we are either bracing for a huge storm or in the middle of it.
******************************
In an ongoing study of my “critical voice”, I’ve found that it can always find this higher ideal that I’m not living up to. For example; when I do lose the last 10 pounds, it will criticize me that I need to be toned or then it will complain about my hair…or something else. There is always something else to fret over…the next new thing.

That is why in the surge of taking care of the newest item of scorn the old sometimes slips from our minds…and next thing you know I’ve gained back three pounds. Of course, my mind thinks I’ll just eat right for a few days and I’ll be back to goal weight…but this three…goal…three…goal routine finally goes to five pounds and then it becomes harder to hit goal again.

I was at goal weight for five years before I “slipped” the last time. As long as I could fit into my skinny jeans it was okay…but then I just gave up because my mental overload was way too high and just cramming food in my face seemed to take enough effort in itself.

I believe as I take off each layer that I shrouded myself in to cope with the transitions of the last few years…the issues that surrounded me then will revisit me until I heal them. This is when I usually start doubting not only myself but my path.

These snowy dark and gray days are not helping me either. I’ve seen many of you explaining how the world without the sun is starting to immerse you with doubt and depression…and I’m right there with you.

But my Patron Goddess is one of ice and snow and this week was her feast day. And this time locked in winter’s embrace is meant to make us think. The Norse rune Isa is all about introspection and when something is frozen in time and space being able to look at it from all sides.

So on one side, I have my depression and I acknowledge this as a hurdle for this Aries/Mars fire sign whose energy levels center around the sun. On another side, I am surrounded by an awesome family and network of friends that spans cyberspace and numerous communities.

I’ve been having numerous dreams where I am lost. Last night I dreamt that I was in a school I had never been to before and I couldn’t find my classroom…I was totally disoriented. And when I finally got there I had to give a presentation on a subject I’d never even heard of. But when I opened my notebook there were notes from the previous classes that I didn’t remember attending and a teacher stood there gloating at me that I had never seen before. So I stepped up to the board and starting writing Faerie symbols and the teacher growled at me because that was not the assignment.

Now either the message of Heroes’ latest episode was making its way into my mind or my subconscious was trying to tell me something. Either way there is something that I’m holding on to that I need to delve in…something that I’ve frozen within me that needs to be observed from a place of love and light with no judgment or accusations.

These nudges from the PTB usually mean that a spiritual change has to be made. There needs to be a shift in perception as well as methodology. I’m feeling drawn back to my essence work. I gave up on my essences last year…because it was too much to actually work through the feelings when I was having them.

At least it is a start.

Even though I have the blahs…I’ve kept true to points and I keep losing a little at a time. I’ve been doing my workouts and taking my timeouts…I’ve been creating more and more balance between the things that have to be done with the things I want to do.

I’ve been finishing up promised projects and have started my socks for a traveling sock group…so I’m actually feeling really good on the crafting front. This weekend I will have plenty of time to sit and knit as the snow falls…and falls. If it starts when they say it will…I’m not sure we will have meet-up tonight and that makes me sad. But I will be with my sisters and brothers of the craft in spirit…

This week I planted my spiritual seeds that represent the things that I hope will bear fruit when the sun returns and the grounds melt. Even though Phil says six more weeks of winter; I will try and hold my head high and stay my course.

To those of you who celebrate…may the thoughts of dreams yet to be fulfilled during this time of ice and snow bring colorful and beautiful fruit in the days to come.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

POV

Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.
Obi-Wan Kenobi

I promised myself I would blog even if there were no eloquent words or projects to show. It is far easier to do nothing and beat myself up about it inside then to sit here and spout out pieces of my heart. But I’m done with the easy road.

So here I am.

Did you see the moon this morning so big and bright? It took my breath away. It made me start thinking about reflections and our perception of them. The moon cannot make her own light; she clothes her face in the light reflected from the sun.

We reflect what is shining from within. We can pretend to wear a happy face and smile and laugh but usually, our closest friends are not swayed by this false reflection.

A reflection is just a copy of the real thing peppered by our perception of the way we see it. POV…point of view defines how we look at everything including ourselves.

It is very hard to control or change our POV. For instance, I can step on a scale and see the weight loss and put on my clothes and see the difference in fit…the bagginess where everything was once snug…and still, look in the mirror and think, “I’m huge.”

Everyone else who sees me will notice and mention casually, “You’ve lost weight,” or “Wow, are you down a size.”

And I just smile and tell them how hard I’ve been working and changing everything I’m eating while inside…deep inside…my inner mirror doesn’t believe a word of it.

Have you ever searched for something for say half the day, until you are ranting and screaming and ready to pull your hair out? Me too. Then to make it even worse what you are looking for is right there in front of you. You just couldn’t see it because our eye-brain connection can only see like 30% of what is actually there. It kind of fills in the blanks with other snippets of memory at will.

My friend showed me a video of a survey where they switched the guy giving directions with another in the middle of his spiel, and 75% of the people did not know that they had talked to two different guys.

So with all this POV distortion is there any wonder that I have so much trouble actually seeing myself and not the self I’ve created or the self I think I am?

I took a peek at the scale today…even though weigh-in is Sunday…and it seems I’ve lost another two pounds…that is five pounds I’ve lost. If I look with my eyes I can’t see it. Well, maybe a little…but I’ve been building a lot of muscle too and it is hard to tell which is which right now.

I really wish my POV towards myself could be like it is towards my friends. I am so overly critical of my self and I talk to myself in a very cruel way…and I’m not sure why.

There are two really loud voices in my head that are constantly at war. One I like to call “the Goddess loves me” and the other “It doesn’t matter.”

And when I look at myself in a mirror I get both sides and what I see is somewhere in the middle. It goes a little like this…”Oh that necklace really brings out your eyes”…”who cares you’re too old and fat for anyone to take a second glance”…”but look you are wearing a top that you’ve not been able to fit in for a while and it looks so nice, you should be proud”…”but look at that hair, you look like a clown.”

Yeah, it is really noisy in my head.

So what am I to do? Shifting a POV I’ve spent 40+ years perfecting is not easy. But the only way to do it is with continued effort. So today when I looked in the mirror and heard the old song and dance, I wore the necklace just because I like it and the top…told the “it doesn’t matter” voice that I’ve lost 5 pounds and I’m within points and I’ve been working out and it took 20 years to put this weight on my ass and it will take a while to take it off and I’m willing to wait. That made my critical self cringe a bit and when the voice tried to goad me again, I just agreed with him..’cuz Lordy my hair is horrible this morning so I just styled it another way and it looks fine now.

My critical voice started stomping its feet…and stammering but I couldn’t hear it anymore. One victory does not win the war but it is a start.

*hugs to you all*
Ruinwen
:)

Serenity

When I think of a way to define serenity it always comes down to water. Water can be liquid, gaseous or solid depending on the circumstances. It knows how to change form to suit the situation or its surroundings.

If an object enters its realm of influence, it flows around them and eventually settles sharing its space with the newcomer in harmony. When that object leaves the water; the space it occupied is swallowed and disappears…as if it never existed in the first place.

My goal for 2010 is to be more like water.

Last year for me was akin to a wildfire running through my being burning everything in its path until little was left. I was consumed by the events that surrounded me until I doubted my own purpose and knowledge of self.

Who’s to say why one being can take the trials and tribulations that have been piled on them with ease and another breaks under the burden of responsibility…but I broke into little pieces and I let the flames consume me until the rains came and put out the fires.

Now for the first time in so long, I can see almost clearly. All the swirling chaos that surrounds me stays outside of me although it shares my space and dances through my days with me. I have learned again how to step outside of myself and see what is truly mine and what belongs to everyone else.

So I begin again to piece together the things that make me…well me. I draw them close to me and hold them dear and slowly I feel almost whole again.

My goals this year are simple and each calls in a different aspect that I have been lax to embrace.

Air – I want to create one thing that is mine…be it a poem or story, a knit pattern or a beaded necklace. I want to create one thing with joy in my heart and enjoy the process as much as the final project.

Fire – I want to be back in my skinny jeans at the end of the year…I’ve already joined Weight Watchers…again…third time is the charm, right? I’ve downloaded the app and I have been faithful for two weeks now. For two weeks before that, I worked on finding a breakfast and coffee combo at Starbucks that works…’cuz I don’t have time to make breakfast or eat it before I leave the house…I’ve been doing elliptical 3 times a week and the Wii Fit Plus in between…I try to walk most days…even if it is in place for 1,000 steps at least once a day. And yes all this tracking and extra time to workout is just that…extra time that I am working into my day to form a seamless immersion. If I don’t have the points…I don’t eat it…I don’t cheat. But I find most things are doable if I plan a bit and I don’t feel like I’m suffering at all…except maybe from all that chicken flapping on the Wii…for some reason that really makes my arms ache. :)

Water – Serenity in every aspect of my life. Last year my husband and I embraced financial serenity. We have been working towards no commercial debt and we are almost there. Last year we had to buy a very expensive new heat pump and it drained our emergency funds and since we had to pay upfront the rest went on the card. But that is okay. The amazing thing was that we were able to do it. Now we are building up the emergency fund again and working on paying off the balance…but I feel like a milestone has been reached and that feels really good.

Earth – this one I’m bad at…Go to all the doctors and dentists and appointments I’ve been putting off.

Spirit – Do things that make me smile. Last year I did so many things that I had to do that were difficult and made me hurt inside. So this year I want to try and sprinkle the stuff that “has to be done” with the stuff I really enjoy doing. So far I’ve identified what these nuggets are and I’m trying to embrace them as much as I can.

Not an impossible list…but each one will take a little time and a little doing. If I can take a breath and think like water…I think each one is possible.

I thank all of you that checked in on me from time to time and tried to cheer me up. You all are so important to me and I’ve missed writing this blog…but the words for so long wouldn’t come. Even now I struggle with phrases that flowed off my fingers before…but baby steps…

Hugs to all of you and yours.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)