Musings in My Shower

"The body has its own way of knowing, a knowing that has little to do with logic, and much to do with truth, little to do with control, and much to do with acceptance, little to do with division and analysis, and much to do with union."

-- Marilyn Sewell

So, I’ve been sick since last week with a cold that is really hanging on. Despite that, I’ve only missed one day of work and have kept up with most of life.

In my quasi blurred state, I’m having trouble tracking my thoughts so this may not be my most poignant post. But the act of posting is very important to my well being. I find that expressing myself through this blog is helping me to heal and become a better person.

After writing about “staying true to one’s beliefs” in my last post I began thinking about bath scrubbies. *yes you heard me right*

My little scrubbie is made of plastic and I really haven’t thought about it before. But really, I should be using something that I can wash easily…that is gentle on the skin…yet abrasive enough to do the job that scrubbies are faced with.

So my next big task is to make a scrubbie that is eco-friendly and kind to the skin as well. Something that can be thrown in and washed with the towels and at the same time will help my soap become good and lathery.

Life is made up of little things that make a difference on such a small scale that by themselves they might seem to barely matter. But if you piece together all these little things they form a greater cohesive whole.

Saving money is like that…one dollar might not be much but keep putting away a dollar here and there and it grows to a much larger sum.

I had trouble saving in the beginning because I felt guilty that I was paying myself first…yet, that is what all the money gurus tell you to do. Also, I thought it would be better to pay off my credit card rather than save money but I was wrong there too.

I was lucky enough to have a money guide that taught me that doing anything with money is like dieting…it takes time, commitment and diligence. My guide told me that you should always pay more to the card then the minimum payment calls for…even if you can only do it by a few dollars.

This gets you in the habit of adding in a little more and as the money frees up those extra dollars add up. The habit is just as important as the money itself.

At the same time, he told me, you should put away a little. I could only do $25 a month at first. So I opened an ING account because the money was out of sight and out of mind. But again the amount was not what was truly important…the habit of saving was.

When I started this financial serenity plan four years ago I wasn’t sure I could stick to the budget I had created which also included daycare, charities, a UTMA and 529 for my son and all the little behind the scenes things I pay for each month.

A budget is much harder than a diet. In a diet, you can say, “No, I won’t eat that,” and go on with your day. You can’t say to your budget, “Sorry, I’m not fixing the car this month…or no, I won’t take my child to the doctor.”

That is what I found out the savings is for. So when life hands you lemons you can say, “Well, I’m glad I had an emergency fund for that.”

That moment of clarity when you realize your financial serenity isn’t some far day in the future…instead it is now…this moment. And for me, that was a beautiful feeling.

Was there a point to this ramble of disjointed thoughts that I had while using my plastic scrubbie in the shower?

Actually…yes.

All things truly worth having take time and effort. You can’t put into effect big changes in a day…but you can make little continual changes that in the long run enrich your life.

* germ-free hugs and bright blessings*

:)

Notes:
First of all, I only wish that was my shower.
Second, I know that everything I have is a blessing.
Third, I'm not suggesting my financial guidelines should be followed by anyone but me...I'm just writing my process to financial serenity. It has been a long hard road for me...but I think I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. But that may just be an oncoming dragon. ;)

The Path We Choose

"More important than finding the teacher is finding and following the truth of the teaching...."

-- Sogyal Rinpoche

Walking Your Talk is a New Age buzz phrase that you hear a lot of these days. But what does it really mean?

There is a story told about Mahatma Gandhi:

A lady brought her son and said he ate too much sugar. She wanted Gandhi to tell him to stop. Gandhi said to bring the child back the next week. The next week she brought the child and Gandhi said “Stop eating sugar child”. And the child did. A month later the lady came back and said: “My child has done what you asked, but why could you not have spoken to him the first time I came.” “Lady”, said Gandhi, “a week earlier I was still eating sugar”.

“Walking Your Talk” is living what you say. It makes you accountable for actually following your personal beliefs, tenants, laws, commandments or rules that govern your life.

It is a hard path to follow. And it makes you think…a lot…about every choice and each thing you say and do.

For instance, when I realized that my son was being subject to a toxic soup of bath and shampoo products…I felt that I had not followed my healing path. It was a horrible awakening and I threw everything away from cleaners to beauty products.

Now we only use natural products. Natural products have a shorter shelf life because there are no preservatives in them. There are no separators to keep the product looking good; so many times you have to give your product a good shake before using. But who cares? It was so worth it to switch!

It is like my diet. I am dedicated to it. I track my points. I eat on points. End of story. I made a commitment to myself and that is that. When someone says, “Go on eat it; it doesn’t matter,” I get upset. It really does matter to me.

Ask any recovering addict if taking one (fill in a vice of choice) will destroy all they have worked so hard for. The things that we believe in, that shape the way we live may be personal but they have meaning.

I am watching the pounds fall away and a new me take shape inside and out. And it feels really…good. Today I wore a top that I haven’t been able to fit in for two years…last night I slept on my stomach for the first time in two years. Yes, they are two little things that don’t mean much in the grand scheme of things…but to me they are gems in my crown.

And these things are only possible by staying true to my beliefs and walking my talk.

This is Ishbel done and blocking. I love her. She was a struggle...but well worth it in the end.

On the craft front, I’ve been knitting from stash. My stash…like my WIP list…is huge. I keep thinking I have a handle on everything and then I find another poor project tucked away and forgotten. I’m trying to round up all these orphans and either finish them or frog them.

I’ve been working hard to finish things up and not start up a project until another is done. And that is going really well. I have finished up more projects already this year then I had finished all of last year. I’m working on making things for fair too.

All this has a deeper meaning because if the projects are under control then I will start designing again. This is not an easy process but it is one that I enjoy. Taking an idea in my head and getting it to adhere to gauge is always very challenging for me. I am horrible with math and I end up having to ask DH to check my calculations.

Everything flows into something else and all things have meaning if one takes the time to look.

When I started to think about walking it made me ponder each step. Steps seem so insignificant by themselves but without each leg of a journey, we would never get anywhere. Without each foot following the other; we would stand still.

Each goal is like this. Each one has steps to achieve it. To try and do all the steps at once will spell disaster, but to do the best you can in working towards your goals each day will bring forth a satisfying journey. And before you know it you will be at your goal.

But you must be dedicated and true to your purpose. It doesn’t have to be a grandiose goal…just important to you.

I'm sorry to reuse a photo...but my mouse stuffer is not feeling well. The ones I made this week were magenta and a heathery blue that changes color with the light.

One of my craft goals is to have 20 mice made by the end of the month. I’ve got 7 knit up already. :)

Little steps…each one leads to another…and one of these days I’ll find myself somewhere…all I know is that I intend to enjoy the journey.

*hugs*
<3 br="">Ruinwen
:)

Spirals of Change

So, one of the little things I’ve been doing to keep me motivated during all these life changes is to reward myself now and then. For every five pounds lost I’ve been buying a little something. And at the 10 pounds gone mark, I thought it should be something really special.

I always wear a pentagram. To me, it sums up my religion; man at one with the elements and nature. And every few years I get a new one to celebrate a change in self.

I must say I fell in love with this at first glance. Garnet is my magical stone and it is red…and I’m all about the red…being a Mars/Aries. The flower morphing from the penti is just beautiful since I am an herbal healer. I feel this really emphasizes the 5 fold path that I follow also. So this is my new penti and I love it. It is so me.

It is funny as I lose pieces of myself I find myself discovering more and more of my true inner core. I was writing my sweet sister about how all the ice is really resonating with me. Because I feel like my soul has been frozen and now it is melting and revealing something that I had forgotten.

I guess I had overlooked the fact I was still in there.

You know Doctors will tell you that when you shed fat that a lot of toxins are also let go with it. As a healer who can feel energy, I believe that pockets of energy are also held captive in the body and released at this time.

Let me heal “geek” for a moment. There are meridians or channels which run through your body. When a person is blocked, energy, chi, prana or whatever you call it, cannot circulate. This blockage will eventually cause some sort of discomfort on one or more of the three levels: physical, mental or spiritual.

The meridians run through the limbic system of the brain where emotional memories are stored and moods are regulated. It is believed that meridians hold our unresolved emotions and feelings. When you free up the energy blockage these emotions are also freed.

I’ve found that these emotions being freed brings about different changes in me day to day and I’ve just been flowing with them. I’ve been listening to the different complaints my body is making and striving to “heal” that part of myself that has been neglected.

For the first time in…forever…I am awake with my alarm and not dragging or tired but rested and fresh and ready to take on the day…without coffee. If you know me…you know I love my coffee…but it was always an occasional thing and then I started using it to wake up and by the end of the day, I was just…done.

I found out daily coffee is not good for my personal being. It was hurting me and I didn’t even know it. So, I’ve been off it for a month now. I’ve been having this amazing Himalayan Black tea which sis got me for Yule that I really, really love first thing in the morning and it has made such a difference.

One change has spiraled into another and now heading into March I can honestly say that every step has been worth it.

Here is a scarf I started a while ago with yarns I could only afford one skein of. This weekend thanks to my BF, I finished it. It is just a simple garter stitch done lengthwise...but to me, this is more than a scarf. To me, this is keeping a promise to me. I always put the projects that are going to me aside to do things for others. And while it is good to be giving and kind...one should give that same respect to the self. So this was another way to honor myself and it really felt good!

Finally, Ishbel is off the needles and drying right now. This is the first project that I have "blocked the heck out of". I can't wait to see what she looks like. I think IMHO this may be some of the finest lace I have ever done.

So all in all, this was a good week. The skies are threatening and the wind is howling but I finished two projects so in the grand scheme of things...I'm pretty darn happy.

*hugs to you all*
<3 br="">:)

Life-lines

One of the hardest things I went through last year is that my Mother, my best friend, and confidant...has lost her short term memory. The woman I relied on for years with all the silly little things in my life...the wonderful friend I trusted with every secret...needs me now.

And I realize that it is very selfish of me…but sometimes I just want my Mommy. I want to cry and tell her how I really messed up…or have her eyes show with pride over something I’ve done…or have her give me advice peppered with wisdom and age.

And I don’t know if it is the snow, or taking off a layer of fat that had a memory stored away or even the essence working to heal me…but it is like I am reliving it all over again.

From a healer’s standpoint, it means I didn’t work through it the last time…I just accepted or hid it or whatever. Everything was so crazy last year and there was little time to think…but now…now with the snow piled up and white as far as the eye can see…I’m thinking…

It’s like a life-line in knitting. You can rip back to the row before your mistake and work through the whole thing again…which, is what I had to do with Ishbel. This little lace pattern is taking much more patience then I thought it would. So I’ve got life-lines and markers at every repeat…which move with each row and every repeat; so really it is a pain in the butt.

But this time I’m taking it slow and really focusing and I'm back to where I started before I ripped. The lace is starting to emerge and I remember why I chose this pattern. I love lace. I love the way the holes and paired decreases tell a story and paint a picture with negative space. Which is why I chose the frozen spiderweb for this post. There is something so magical about a web; spiders are knitters, after all, making their own personal lace that adorns nature with such great beauty.

I’ve been thinking about the world waiting to emerge as the seasons begin to change...(I know what Phil said...and I'll be up to my eyeballs in snow till Summer...but let a girl dream 'kay?) ...and honing my spiritual seeds that I will plant at Ostra. I always make this little container of sorts that hold the seeds of the things I hope to accomplish this year. I’m not sure what container I am creating this year…but I’m meditating on it.

My personal “container” continues to get smaller and my muscles are getting stronger too. My clothes are really fitting better and I can already wear a few things I couldn’t at the beginning of the year. This weekend my Wii adjusted my avatar to the "normal" range. *and there was much rejoicing*

So all in all…I’m doing okay…much better then a few weeks ago.

*hugs to all of you*
Ruinwen
:)

A Breather

Here is our neighborhood during the 2nd blizzard.

Here is Widdershins chillin' with the boys.

The winds crafted some wicked icicles.

These are my favorites. These icicles have been there since just after Christmas...and I suspect they will not be going away any time soon.

Here is my completed scarf for Spring Fest. It feels good to finish a project that is not due for a while. I've really been trying to keep to my goal of three projects on the needles; one for me, one for charity and one for Vixenpath.

I rewarded myself by casting on this. Knitnana really inspired me to give this scarf/shawl a go. This is super yummy Araucania Ranco in color 105. I must say even though I struggled with this pattern because I can't count...no really...I'm totally in love with the subtle change in color and the delicate lace vines starting to emerge.

I want to thank everyone who wrote to me cheering me up. I think this season is a test of my will...more then others passed. I did do my reading and I was gifted with this wisdom.

• The ice that covers everything symbolizes a transition between the conscious mind and the subconscious mind.
• Quality time with your family will assure them of a secure future.
• Whatever you begin or straighten out now, will last for years.
• Discover future cycles in your life.
• And the God and Goddess will always care for all of their children.

A lot to ponder. But being snowed in with your family for two days gives you time to think.

My essence came UPS...in the snow...FES rocks! So I have been using it and I feel a bit lighter...but that could be because I lost another pound! My clothes are fitting better and better and I'm really proud of how much I've accomplished.

Baby steps...

I can't believe it is Friday already. I can't wait to sit and knit tonight in front of the fire.

I wish you all a wonderful, safe and happy weekend.

Ruinwen
*hugs*
:)

*Oh, a shout out should go to DH who photographed all my pictures. Which reminds me as Valentine's Day rounds the bend...Thank you, honey, for always doing my photoshoots...it means so much to me to have pictures to post again. I love you!

Is it Spring Yet?

"Knowing others is wisdom; knowing the self is enlightenment."

-- Tao Te Ching

I feel lost today. This weekend I felt really blah and stayed cuddled under a blanket while it snowed. I figured the world was under a mantle why not me?

This morning I woke from a dream as my alarm went off…very reluctantly.

I was searching in the dream for a tarot deck because mine had been sold and I was now missing certain cards. Every time I looked at them they were shrouded in mist and impossible to read.

I had just figured out how to get to the tarot store and gotten the nice lady’s attention when I was forced to wake up in the real world.

I feel like I am missing something…

something important…and I just don’t know what it is.

I think I will do a reading tonight before bed and see if I can find some answers.

But for now, I’ll muddle through as I usually do.

More snow is on the way…any snow will be enough to close us down again…most schools are out today…the Govt is off…side roads are disastrous…

*sigh*

I did get some knitting done and I got in three loads of laundry. I stayed on points and even had a loss again. I’m trying…really I am.

Where ever you are I hope you are safe and happy.



Oh, and those of you who are jealous of my snow...we left a big pile at the end of the driveway that you can come and take at any time...really. ;)

*hugs*
Ruinwen
:)

The Blizzard of 2010

Just wanted to show you a peek of how awesome this storm was. I'm not sure what total inches were...because of drifts.

*winter hugs to you all*
Ruinwen
:)

This or Something Better

******************************
This is our last snow storm on Wednesday this week...as you read this we are either bracing for a huge storm or in the middle of it.
******************************
In an ongoing study of my “critical voice”, I’ve found that it can always find this higher ideal that I’m not living up to. For example; when I do lose the last 10 pounds, it will criticize me that I need to be toned or then it will complain about my hair…or something else. There is always something else to fret over…the next new thing.

That is why in the surge of taking care of the newest item of scorn the old sometimes slips from our minds…and next thing you know I’ve gained back three pounds. Of course, my mind thinks I’ll just eat right for a few days and I’ll be back to goal weight…but this three…goal…three…goal routine finally goes to five pounds and then it becomes harder to hit goal again.

I was at goal weight for five years before I “slipped” the last time. As long as I could fit into my skinny jeans it was okay…but then I just gave up because my mental overload was way too high and just cramming food in my face seemed to take enough effort in itself.

I believe as I take off each layer that I shrouded myself in to cope with the transitions of the last few years…the issues that surrounded me then will revisit me until I heal them. This is when I usually start doubting not only myself but my path.

These snowy dark and gray days are not helping me either. I’ve seen many of you explaining how the world without the sun is starting to immerse you with doubt and depression…and I’m right there with you.

But my Patron Goddess is one of ice and snow and this week was her feast day. And this time locked in winter’s embrace is meant to make us think. The Norse rune Isa is all about introspection and when something is frozen in time and space being able to look at it from all sides.

So on one side, I have my depression and I acknowledge this as a hurdle for this Aries/Mars fire sign whose energy levels center around the sun. On another side, I am surrounded by an awesome family and network of friends that spans cyberspace and numerous communities.

I’ve been having numerous dreams where I am lost. Last night I dreamt that I was in a school I had never been to before and I couldn’t find my classroom…I was totally disoriented. And when I finally got there I had to give a presentation on a subject I’d never even heard of. But when I opened my notebook there were notes from the previous classes that I didn’t remember attending and a teacher stood there gloating at me that I had never seen before. So I stepped up to the board and starting writing Faerie symbols and the teacher growled at me because that was not the assignment.

Now either the message of Heroes’ latest episode was making its way into my mind or my subconscious was trying to tell me something. Either way there is something that I’m holding on to that I need to delve in…something that I’ve frozen within me that needs to be observed from a place of love and light with no judgment or accusations.

These nudges from the PTB usually mean that a spiritual change has to be made. There needs to be a shift in perception as well as methodology. I’m feeling drawn back to my essence work. I gave up on my essences last year…because it was too much to actually work through the feelings when I was having them.

At least it is a start.

Even though I have the blahs…I’ve kept true to points and I keep losing a little at a time. I’ve been doing my workouts and taking my timeouts…I’ve been creating more and more balance between the things that have to be done with the things I want to do.

I’ve been finishing up promised projects and have started my socks for a traveling sock group…so I’m actually feeling really good on the crafting front. This weekend I will have plenty of time to sit and knit as the snow falls…and falls. If it starts when they say it will…I’m not sure we will have meet-up tonight and that makes me sad. But I will be with my sisters and brothers of the craft in spirit…

This week I planted my spiritual seeds that represent the things that I hope will bear fruit when the sun returns and the grounds melt. Even though Phil says six more weeks of winter; I will try and hold my head high and stay my course.

To those of you who celebrate…may the thoughts of dreams yet to be fulfilled during this time of ice and snow bring colorful and beautiful fruit in the days to come.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

POV

Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.
Obi-Wan Kenobi

I promised myself I would blog even if there were no eloquent words or projects to show. It is far easier to do nothing and beat myself up about it inside then to sit here and spout out pieces of my heart. But I’m done with the easy road.

So here I am.

Did you see the moon this morning so big and bright? It took my breath away. It made me start thinking about reflections and our perception of them. The moon cannot make her own light; she clothes her face in the light reflected from the sun.

We reflect what is shining from within. We can pretend to wear a happy face and smile and laugh but usually, our closest friends are not swayed by this false reflection.

A reflection is just a copy of the real thing peppered by our perception of the way we see it. POV…point of view defines how we look at everything including ourselves.

It is very hard to control or change our POV. For instance, I can step on a scale and see the weight loss and put on my clothes and see the difference in fit…the bagginess where everything was once snug…and still, look in the mirror and think, “I’m huge.”

Everyone else who sees me will notice and mention casually, “You’ve lost weight,” or “Wow, are you down a size.”

And I just smile and tell them how hard I’ve been working and changing everything I’m eating while inside…deep inside…my inner mirror doesn’t believe a word of it.

Have you ever searched for something for say half the day, until you are ranting and screaming and ready to pull your hair out? Me too. Then to make it even worse what you are looking for is right there in front of you. You just couldn’t see it because our eye-brain connection can only see like 30% of what is actually there. It kind of fills in the blanks with other snippets of memory at will.

My friend showed me a video of a survey where they switched the guy giving directions with another in the middle of his spiel, and 75% of the people did not know that they had talked to two different guys.

So with all this POV distortion is there any wonder that I have so much trouble actually seeing myself and not the self I’ve created or the self I think I am?

I took a peek at the scale today…even though weigh-in is Sunday…and it seems I’ve lost another two pounds…that is five pounds I’ve lost. If I look with my eyes I can’t see it. Well, maybe a little…but I’ve been building a lot of muscle too and it is hard to tell which is which right now.

I really wish my POV towards myself could be like it is towards my friends. I am so overly critical of my self and I talk to myself in a very cruel way…and I’m not sure why.

There are two really loud voices in my head that are constantly at war. One I like to call “the Goddess loves me” and the other “It doesn’t matter.”

And when I look at myself in a mirror I get both sides and what I see is somewhere in the middle. It goes a little like this…”Oh that necklace really brings out your eyes”…”who cares you’re too old and fat for anyone to take a second glance”…”but look you are wearing a top that you’ve not been able to fit in for a while and it looks so nice, you should be proud”…”but look at that hair, you look like a clown.”

Yeah, it is really noisy in my head.

So what am I to do? Shifting a POV I’ve spent 40+ years perfecting is not easy. But the only way to do it is with continued effort. So today when I looked in the mirror and heard the old song and dance, I wore the necklace just because I like it and the top…told the “it doesn’t matter” voice that I’ve lost 5 pounds and I’m within points and I’ve been working out and it took 20 years to put this weight on my ass and it will take a while to take it off and I’m willing to wait. That made my critical self cringe a bit and when the voice tried to goad me again, I just agreed with him..’cuz Lordy my hair is horrible this morning so I just styled it another way and it looks fine now.

My critical voice started stomping its feet…and stammering but I couldn’t hear it anymore. One victory does not win the war but it is a start.

*hugs to you all*
Ruinwen
:)

Serenity

When I think of a way to define serenity it always comes down to water. Water can be liquid, gaseous or solid depending on the circumstances. It knows how to change form to suit the situation or its surroundings.

If an object enters its realm of influence, it flows around them and eventually settles sharing its space with the newcomer in harmony. When that object leaves the water; the space it occupied is swallowed and disappears…as if it never existed in the first place.

My goal for 2010 is to be more like water.

Last year for me was akin to a wildfire running through my being burning everything in its path until little was left. I was consumed by the events that surrounded me until I doubted my own purpose and knowledge of self.

Who’s to say why one being can take the trials and tribulations that have been piled on them with ease and another breaks under the burden of responsibility…but I broke into little pieces and I let the flames consume me until the rains came and put out the fires.

Now for the first time in so long, I can see almost clearly. All the swirling chaos that surrounds me stays outside of me although it shares my space and dances through my days with me. I have learned again how to step outside of myself and see what is truly mine and what belongs to everyone else.

So I begin again to piece together the things that make me…well me. I draw them close to me and hold them dear and slowly I feel almost whole again.

My goals this year are simple and each calls in a different aspect that I have been lax to embrace.

Air – I want to create one thing that is mine…be it a poem or story, a knit pattern or a beaded necklace. I want to create one thing with joy in my heart and enjoy the process as much as the final project.

Fire – I want to be back in my skinny jeans at the end of the year…I’ve already joined Weight Watchers…again…third time is the charm, right? I’ve downloaded the app and I have been faithful for two weeks now. For two weeks before that, I worked on finding a breakfast and coffee combo at Starbucks that works…’cuz I don’t have time to make breakfast or eat it before I leave the house…I’ve been doing elliptical 3 times a week and the Wii Fit Plus in between…I try to walk most days…even if it is in place for 1,000 steps at least once a day. And yes all this tracking and extra time to workout is just that…extra time that I am working into my day to form a seamless immersion. If I don’t have the points…I don’t eat it…I don’t cheat. But I find most things are doable if I plan a bit and I don’t feel like I’m suffering at all…except maybe from all that chicken flapping on the Wii…for some reason that really makes my arms ache. :)

Water – Serenity in every aspect of my life. Last year my husband and I embraced financial serenity. We have been working towards no commercial debt and we are almost there. Last year we had to buy a very expensive new heat pump and it drained our emergency funds and since we had to pay upfront the rest went on the card. But that is okay. The amazing thing was that we were able to do it. Now we are building up the emergency fund again and working on paying off the balance…but I feel like a milestone has been reached and that feels really good.

Earth – this one I’m bad at…Go to all the doctors and dentists and appointments I’ve been putting off.

Spirit – Do things that make me smile. Last year I did so many things that I had to do that were difficult and made me hurt inside. So this year I want to try and sprinkle the stuff that “has to be done” with the stuff I really enjoy doing. So far I’ve identified what these nuggets are and I’m trying to embrace them as much as I can.

Not an impossible list…but each one will take a little time and a little doing. If I can take a breath and think like water…I think each one is possible.

I thank all of you that checked in on me from time to time and tried to cheer me up. You all are so important to me and I’ve missed writing this blog…but the words for so long wouldn’t come. Even now I struggle with phrases that flowed off my fingers before…but baby steps…

Hugs to all of you and yours.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

Just Breathe

Breath is the link between the inner and outer worlds.

- Alice Christensen

You know how when you start something there is sometimes that moment in which you inwardly shriek in terror at the Herculean task you have accepted? At the moment of inception, there is such a great doubt that you can ever complete such a monumental undertaking?

I must say when we started cleaning Dad’s house a year and a half ago, I really didn’t think that this day would ever come. I tried to imagine it and stay true to the plan but in my head, I had my doubts.

Last week we used our vacation to clean the house and move my Father to the same assisted living as my Mother. This gigantic task could not have been completed without the support and strong muscles of my soul mate and best friend. DH has been a miracle to me throughout this entire process…as he always is. I am very blessed.

My sister who has been through the whole process, mourned with me and Dad as we moved him out of his home. Sis was amazing at helping us do what needed to be done and being able to fill in the gaps as we went. She helped set up Dad at AL when I was too tired to move and helped make the move a smooth one. The God and Goddess have blessed me by giving me such a wonderful sister.

I was also incredibly blessed that my BF and her whole family (much to their dismay) helped us most of the week. Without her, I’m sure Dad would have never made it up here. She used her first week of summer vacation to help me move…there is no greater love than that.

My nephew also lent us a hand and made a huge difference to the time in which it took to get the truck loaded on the last day. My knitting friend came to help us when we were ready to drop and she made unloading go so much easier that we all got a second wind and could finish the job.

Nana and Pop Pop watched my son for the week and that too was a blessing since we basically left in the morning and crawled into bed each night exhausted. It was nice to know he was having fun with the people he loves.

Another knitting friend covered for me on our square project. She updated and answered e-mails and that really meant so much to me.

My support system is awesome. I am so blessed! When I needed help, everyone was there. And I can never thank you all enough. From the nice lady at Starbucks who saves me almond toffee nut bars to the nice lady learning to make drinks that poured me my mudslide on Friday night…and everyone in between…May the God and Goddess bless you all.

Having good friends is like having oxygen suddenly when you were struggling to breathe a moment before. It lightens your soul and somehow makes it all easier to bear.

I went to visit Dad and he wasn’t there so I tried again yesterday and caught him before he went out again. It was such a joy to see him so happy. As much as I know he misses the house and his old life, I can see that he is settling into this one. He has new people to tell his stories and show his pictures. There are many Vets there so he feels right at home. He is with his “beautiful girl” (that’s what he has been calling Mom the past few days) again and the loneliness of being apart from her is gone from him.

You know that commercial with the lines like…one moving truck for 4 days…one 10 foot dumpster…a year and a half of toting stuff back to our home. Dad smiling in his new room...PRICELESS. To see Dad happy makes the aches go away and it all falls into place. I am so happy and thankful…and blessed.

Last week is a blur…but I’m slowly cleaning up and finding where I was. I haven’t really been crafting much. But that is okay.

For now I’m just going to take the time to breathe and reconnect.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

Holes

Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.

-- Orison Swett Marden

I don’t know if I’ve told you before how terrified I am of death; which is so ironic since my name means “reaper”. But I am. I’m always afraid that this is it and wow, haven’t I really messed up this one chance that I’ve been given to make something wonderful of the time I’ve been given?

I believe in reincarnation and other worlds and so much other stuff that I take on faith. It seems stupid to be afraid of death when in my heart I believe we go on in some form or fashion. But I am.
When Obsidian died in our arms a week ago there was no fear or hesitation. My son and I watched vigil for the 15 minutes between us finding him unable to move and the moment he left us for his next life.

My son the old soul that he is asked the God and Goddess, “All I ask is in his next life may he find a family that loved him as much as we did.”

I believe in my heart he will.

My life seems to be developing holes in it as of late. When my LYS closed it formed a little yellow hole in our town. I couldn’t just stop by and see friends or sit and knit for a little with people I cared about. It still feels weird to see the building without the sign…like something isn’t quite right in my world.

Obsidian passing created a huge hole in my heart and in our home. I am happy that he hardly suffered, the steroids kept him going to the very end. We spoiled and loved him to his last breath. When he died he was surrounded by people who loved him and always will. But I miss him fiercely.

I realize that it has been over a month since I posted and that too seemed like a hole I just couldn’t fill. How can I sum up my feelings in a sentence or two and create colorful antidotes when the words just won’t flow?

But in the world of circles and cycles after each death comes a rebirth and I feel it is time to try and find my place again and leave the holes open to welcome in new things. Nothing is forgotten but time lessens the pain a bit each day and there is still so much to do I can’t stop for long.

I’ve missed your blogs and I’m out of touch but give me a few and I will find my way back.

Not all who wander are lost.

Tolkien

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

Bittersweet

Chaos results when the world changes faster than people.

-Anon

I have so many emotions running through me at this moment that I feel adrift in a sea of confliction. I have been trying as of late, to keep the chaos swirling around me instead of through me. It seems I’m failing.

The doing for everyone is easy. I can organize, clean, plan and scheme. It is the deep intense feeling that is causing my routines to skip a beat here and there; thus throwing off the order in my universe.

I really don’t know what to do about it except change faster than the flux around me. There is no way to do that with all my tendrils of emotion being dragged and scattered on the four winds. Lately, I feel less than whole and I just don’t know how to repair me.

On one hand, I have the most wonderful friends who threw me a super birthday and I could gush about it seven ways to Sunday because it was that good. All my friends…virtual or otherwise…rock. I’m blessed to have you all in my life. And I’m sorry that I’ve been ignoring blogs and such. I’ve barely been keeping up with e-mail but I’ve gleaned enough love to know that you all have sent well wishes and prayers and they all mean so much. I am thankful for each and every one of you. :)

Then there is the other hand...the one that I usually can put to the back of my head for a time and smile and be the Ruinwen you know. At the beginning of this blog, I just posted projects and knitting and then I got to know you and you encouraged me to let more and more of myself show. I found a place I could talk, vent, examine, pose questions or just share what was on my mind…and it gave me a great joy to do so.

But lately, I find little time for crafting…though I squeeze every ounce of time out of my Friday night at Starbucks with the girls. The things that balanced me and kept me sane seem so few and far between. I hate that when I come to this blog I sound so needy…so lost. It is not a me that I’m used to dealing with and I still reread these words and wonder who this person is that I’m becoming?

Can I be this rock that everyone thinks I am? Even rocks will erode with enough elements beating against them. How can one stay strong for everyone and yet whole for themselves?

Until I find out the answers to those questions I’m just muddling through the best that I can.

Obsidian has cancer as we suspected and the vet has no idea how much longer he will be with us. Right now the mass cells have not invaded his organs and you wouldn’t know from his constant demands that there is anything wrong with him. We are spoiling and loving him as much as possible and will continue to do so until the very end.

This was my Mother’s last holiday at home. She can’t make it up the steps anymore. She won’t walk or do anything to strengthen her body and now it is ceasing to work for her. With her short term memory gone life is very frustrating for her and she is terribly unhappy. She keeps telling me that she lived too long. It breaks my heart.

Dad confided in me that he no longer cares about getting up and getting dressed in the morning. I can see the depression settling in and a familiar pattern taking place but seem helpless to stop it. On the one hand, he wants us to clean the house and the other it is killing him to see everything disappear. There is no happy middle ground. He wants to be with Mom but not in AL. He hasn’t made appointments for the doctor and is just letting it all go.

I realized this weekend that my role was going to increase as I know that I need to step in and take over this whole thing with Dad. He needs to get out of that house and be in a place where people can help him…he needs to be with Mom. I need to make this happen. So I took off a week (my only vacation) and DH and I will clean with Sis and possibly a few friends. I will get a truck and get everything out of there that needs to go. I will make sure the house is empty if that is what it takes so that Dad will come up here.

I don’t know if I told you about my son. He is having trouble keeping up in school and DH and I have been working with him as much as possible in the afternoons on everything from Math (which I am terrible at), Science and English. We have all been working very hard to bring him back up to grade level or beyond. And I feel that it is finally paying off. He has only missed one word on his spelling in the past six weeks now. He is reading better and can identify more words. It is a joy to see his confidence climb and all this hard work is so worth it.

Another change to our household is my BIL finally got his divorce and will keep sole custody of the kids. My ex-SIL gets them every other weekend and Tuesday nights for dinner and a bunch of holidays and things. Where as this is the normal progression for a separated family. These are the first visits unsupervised and it has us all a little leery.

At the same time it gives my BIL some time to do things that need to be done. He is such an amazing Dad but everybody needs some down time and he gets so little of that. This will be the first weekend without them in so long I know it will be a hard one for him. He is all about his kids. The whole thing is very bittersweet.

So that is the long and short of what is going on. Thank you for wrapping me in your thoughts and sending prayers…everything you do or say means so much to me. Again, I apologize for not being on the computer so much. I feel horrible about it but I’m doing the best I can.

All my love and light,

Ruinwen
:)

Borrowed Time

A Cat's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,

The king-size bed is soft and deep...

I sleep right in the center groove

My human can hardly move!

I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight

And here is where I pass the night

No one disturbs me or dares intrude

Till morning comes and "I want food!"

I sneak up slowly to begin

My nibbles on my human's chin.

She wakes up quickly, I have sharp teeth -

And my claws I will unsheath

For the morning's here and it's time to play

I always seem to get my way.

So thank you Lord for giving me

This human person that I see.

The one who hugs me and holds me tight

And sacrifices her bed at night.

-Author Unknown

I want to share all the amazing things I accomplished this weekend but I feel like a fraud. I cleaned and gardened to keep my mind busy. I was afraid if I stopped moving the tears would fall and never stop.

My beloved Obsidian is very sick. I don’t know how much longer he will be with us.

We spent the weekend letting him do all the things he loved. He basked in the sun as I gardened and cleaned the garage. We fed him his favorite foods and one of us was always with him giving him love and lots of petting.

My poor purry furry has been living on borrowed time for a while now.

There was one month that seems so long ago now where my Mother was hospitalized and almost died. My Father on visiting her fell and we found out he had blood on his brain. He was hospitalized and almost died.

At home Obsidian was being treated for cancer; it was only luck that we found it in time. Widdershins our other cat had an infected uterus and if it had burst would have died.

All four beings that I love dearly had a horrible brush with death and all survived and recovered. It was nothing short of a miracle…an amazing blessing. I am so thankful for all the extra time that I’ve been given with my parents and my kitties.

But it seems my sweet Obsidian is fighting a battle with a powerful enemy and he may not grace our house much longer. We have at least a week before the tests come back to spend with him. I’m thankful that I can tell him how much he means to me. I will miss him so much. We all will.

So please pray for my sweet fluffy guy that he doesn’t suffer or feel any pain. I want his last days to be full of hugs, treats, sunbeams and the knowledge that he is truly loved.

If I’m MIA on blogs and such…I hope you can understand.

Have a happy Passover, Easter or whatever Spring rebirth holiday you celebrate. :)

All my love and light,
Ruinwen
:)

Knittin' Chicks To Close Their Doors

My beloved LYS has been struggling for a while now to keep afloat. At the end of April, Knittin' Chicks will close their doors forever. :(

I have so many happy memories of my LYS and the people that made it special. If not for Dalia and her shop I would not be the knitter that I am today. If not for the friends I made at that marble table I would not know what community really is.

Everything has to go and this includes all the books, bins, computer, needles and of course the yarn.

I wish Dalia the best on the next leg of her journey and thank her for the wonderful LYS which will always hold a special place in my heart.

Choices

Just because we increase the speed of information doesn't mean we can increase the speed of decisions. Pondering, reflecting and ruminating are undervalued skills in our culture.

-- Dale Dauten

Chances are if you read this then you are computer literate. You may be downloading a pattern, while IMing a friend, during which you are uploading pictures to your favorite site and at the same time you are stopping here to read my blog. *waves, “Hi”*

Computers are wonderful tools when they work and they create a terrible void when they don’t. Luckily they are good multitaskers since they generate the need to be in more than one place at once.

When you click with your mouse each press of the button is a choice. It seems so easy to make pick a preference when it comes to surfing the web. When you like something you download it and try it.  If you don’t well that is okay because most trials are free.

If life was like the computer you could hit undo when you do something really stupid or go back to three days before you did something stupid. You could erase, edit and spell-check your words before they fell streaming out of your mouth. And best of all choices would be easy to make.

I’m horrible at making choices. I always have been. Either I’m impulsive and latch on to something without thinking it through or I have to research every detail before I decide. Both paths lead me to question my choice.

In Bach Essences there is a remedy for that: Cerato. This is Dr. Bach’s description of people who could benefit from Cerato, “Those who have not sufficient confidence in themselves to make their own decisions. They constantly seek advice from others, and are often misguided.”
- taken from The Twelve Healers and Other Remedies

Yep, that’s me. I’ve worked over the years to be happy with my choices but at the core, I am not a good decider. Case in point, we have these traveling scarves we are doing in our group and I have to decide what to add to each section. Sometimes it is too much to choose and stick to that choice so I bring it in and take a popular opinion vote at the group. I really lack faith in my own judgment especially when it comes to something for someone else.

At the same time, I believe that getting other people involved in what I’m doing enforces community. I like a little bit of everyone in the projects I do…it makes them mean more. Truly that is a beautiful thing to weave my friendships into my stitches and feel their love and support in my project.

I felt the love yesterday when I received my beautiful surprise birthday package from Birdsong! She created this beautiful hat for me and I love everything about it! The flower is perfect the color is my favorite…everything about this is a treasure! She included a cotton washcloth for my spiritual baths and it is so nubbly. All from her talented fingers…I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life! Finally, there was a little tin of lip balm to keep my lips happy. That will go straight into my knitting bag. What a thoughtful and sweet gift. Thank you, Birdsong! :)

Another gift I received was from my sweet sister. I had been reading a book about tarot and they mentioned this amazing deck that was dedicated to the creatures of all countries…and I fell in love. I agonized about getting another deck. Was I just making another hasty decision that I would regret later? Was it really calling to me? Did I really need another deck?

I kept coming back to this deck over and over until my sister offered to buy it for me. This is one decision that I’m really happy with. I love the rich drawings that depict creatures and beings from all over the globe. The cards really speak to me and I enjoyed my reading last night. Thank you again, sis! :)

I needed to turn a heel and cast on a pair of socks with this beautiful Spirit Trail Fiberworks sock yarn from knitnana. Thank you knitnana! :) This was another surprise gift from a while ago and I’ve been waiting until I had time to actually make a pair of socks for me. And you know what? I will never have time to make a pair of socks for me with all that is going on…so I just cast them on. I think it was a superb decision. I’m in love with this yarn and the colorway is just gorgeous!

Another decision that I’m very happy I waited on was the planting of seeds. Last night it went below freezing and we had frost on the cars. It is hard to wait for the right day and the precise weather conditions. I’m chomping at the bit to plant and have new life and yummy herbal goodness.

I guess I can see that all my choices do not turn into regrets. I will also concede that maybe I have more faith in my abilities then I allow myself to admit. I never have someone proof my blog before I send it and even though I agonize over hitting that “publish” button…I do it.

Baby steps…

If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice
Rush, Freewill

Just maybe it doesn’t matter how you choose. Sometimes a second opinion is a smart option. There are other times when to do nothing is the only path that can be taken. In the end, the choice is yours and yours alone. Choose well.

Have a great day!

Happy crafting!

Ruinwen
:)

Happiness Is...

... we can no longer afford to throw away even one ‘unimportant’ day by not noticing the wonder of it all. We have to be willing to discover and then appreciate the authentic moments of happiness available to all of us every day.

-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

What makes a day unimportant? Every day that we take a breath upon this beautiful Earth and spend another moment with our family and friends is precious. Each night before bed I am thankful for at least three specific moments during that day…I can never stop at three.

There are so many things that can so easily be taken for granted. During this economic crisis maybe we can see how blessed we are much clearer than before. I can see how chaos is everywhere and many of my friends are overburdened with hardships that are slowly breaking them.

I’ve always believed you do what you can and the rest takes care of itself for good or bad. One person can only handle so much…but with a few good friends, you can do almost anything.

A kind word can bolster your soul. A helping hand can save you time. A loving gesture can uplift your entire day. A good friend is a treasure beyond worth or measure.

My life is filled with chaos but my friends balance it out and in the end, I think that makes all the difference. This weekend my BF and our families celebrated my birthday way early because there won’t be time for it later. We had a Twilight / Vampire / Fondue night that was out of this world. Have you ever tried chocolate fondue on bread? OMG, that was delish!

The simplest things are so precious and I will hold this celebration in my heart for a long time. Sometimes that is all you need to get through the “other” stuff. One happy memory can last forever if you cherish it.

Right now it is all about the memories. We are cleaning the house in order to put it on the market. We have a date now: in July the house I grew up in will no longer be mine. My tree Fred that I planted in 1976 will belong to another. But I have the memory of making sure that fragile little sapling was kept wet all day. I wrapped him in damp paper towels and the water made all my homework run, but he survived. Now Fred towers above our soon-to-be-old-house and it makes me smile whenever I see him.

It is time to let go and I can do that with only a few tears because the thing that makes a house a home is the people in it and with Mom at AL…it feels strangely empty even now.

They believe something happened with Mom like a mini-stroke or something that wiped out her short term memory. But with the thought of Dad moving in actually on the horizon, she seems happier. I also think the sun being stronger has a lot to do with it also.

I would say that it is actually warm here but I’d be lying. But that didn’t stop my crocuses. They keep pushing though because in adversity life goes on.

I finished another feather and fan scarf this weekend. I liked the “rose garden” feel to this one. If I can’t plant yet I’m going to bring in as much color as I can.

I’ve gotten the pattern together for my circle scarf and since I can only work on it when there is peace in the house…I haven’t started yet. lol

I had a silly little happy dance moment this weekend. I got up and went to Wal*mart when it opened so I could get Pokemon Platinum and they had this collectors game for the same price. This is a birthday present from my Dad and I can’t open it yet but it made me happy just the same. :)

I had such a wonderful weekend full of family, friends and unexpected blessings I just can’t stop smiling. :)

I wish the same happiness for all of you.

Happy crafting,

Ruinwen
:)

The Spiritual Side

Spirituality is the sacred center out of which all life comes, including Mondays and Tuesdays and rainy Saturday afternoons in all their mundane and glorious detail. ... The spiritual journey is the soul's life commingling with ordinary life.

-- Christina Baldwin

This is the time of year when everything is in flux. You can feel the creative energy building as Winter prepares to withdraw for another year and Spring starts to bud and blossom. It seems to me like the earth around me is sighing as the first warm rays hit her face.

Every season has its beauty but Spring and Autumn are my favorites. I love the amazing colors that suddenly burst out all over the land. Dull landscapes are suddenly dotted with hues of every color as life begins anew.

There is something so magical when plants just burst forth out of nothingness. It is with this love of nature that I’m planting my garden. To me a garden is sacred. Each plant brings with it a different blessing, a diverse way to heal and a special individual beauty that shines through as it grows.

Air, fire, water, and earth all come together to create something amazing from a single seed. In that tiny seed is everything that particular plant needs to develop to its full potential.

So I wait until the nights are no longer too cold for new seedlings to survive and plot and plan my little garden. I’m trying my hand at some new plants this time around and keeping the ones I can’t live without. I’ve been without a garden for too long.

I’ve been lovingly talking to my seeds of nasturtium, dill, basil, oregano, tomato, lavender, marjoram, parsley, thyme, rosemary and paprika all through winter. I want them to know how beloved they are to me and how much I’ve missed my garden.

I always had a garden up until the year I became pregnant with my son and due to complications, they forbade me to play in the dirt. Then the box where all my beloved herbs lived was poisoned with termite bait traps and spraying. It hurt me deep inside when they put the toxic death on my beautiful plants after asking them not to.

With the droughts and water bans, we couldn’t keep a garden alive. But last year I’d had enough with all of it and bought a system that keeps water in a reservoir so that even in a drought the plants would survive. Unfortunately, I couldn’t afford it until late in the Summer and with all the family changes just didn’t get the seeds in the ground in time.

But this year I’m ready. I’ve got planters, seeds and a burning need to see things grow and thrive. I want fresh herbs to awaken dishes with flavor and vitality. I can’t wait to make my own paprika from these special pepper plants. I’m so excited to bite into a fresh homegrown tomato and feel the elements alive in its juices. I just can’t wait.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Here is a photo of my son doing a science experiment. For his own amusement, he wanted to try this little test of the powers air pressure. So we filled a glass with water to the very top and then placed an index card over the opening and turned the glass over. Voila, the index card stayed and no water came out. The whole experiment was even patient with me taking the picture and continued to hold as my son posed with it. I’d never seen this done so I thought it was pretty neat.

Such a simple mundane moment filled with magic. I think most of life is like that if you know where to look.

Today is one of those very foggy mornings where everything is just a little fey. Fog is powerful because it mixes mind with emotion and brings the two in balance. It helps you to see clearly. Or going the other direction it can hide things…distort things so that they are not as they seem at all. I guess how you perceive it is up to you. Like most of life.

We had a little sign on the fridge that I made when I was little, “Be happy you have a house to do chores around.” When you distinguish that doing chores is not drudgery but honoring a structure that provides you with shelter and maybe a nice tax break, you begin to see things differently.

I will admit I rarely have time to clean the house from top to bottom but it is hard for me to sleep when I’ve seen a dirty kitchen sink before bed. I like to see that stainless steel sparkle. I like to honor my kitchen where so many wonderful meals are prepared, teas are created, herbs are used and my family gathers to refuel.

My sister always jokes with me that I can find the spiritual side to anything…but that is because I’m quite sure everything has a spiritual side to begin with…if one takes the time to look.

May your week be full of magic and happiness as spring comes back to the world and blesses us all.

Happy crafting,

Ruinwen
:)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Irish luck's proverbial,
It never fails, they say,
And that's the kind I'm wishin' you,
With all my heart today
And faith, that's not the half of it,
I wish you fun and laughter
Good friends and health and happiness
Today and ever after.

Irish Blessing

Circle Back

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

- Anonymous

True friendship isn’t about being there when it is convenient: it’s about being there when its not.
- Anonymous

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.
-Elisabeth Foley

Those of you who know me are aware that I love Pokemon and I always have. I went to an event this weekend where you get a Pokemon through Nintendo Wi-Fi and I had a really weird thing happen.

I tried to let go my Biberal, which is like a large beaver, because I needed room. And...let me say I hate to do this...I really hate it. But I had no room in any of my boxes!

He would not go. The screen came up and said, "Biberal came back. Was he worried about you?" WTF Sis was there and saw it too...my Pokemon was worried about me?

Over the years I’ve let go Pokemon before I reset a game thinking it was better to have them in the wild when I wiped it clean…okay silly but I’m terribly sentimental. I’ve never, ever had one refuse to go. Never. And he wouldn’t go because he was worried about me? As silly as this may sound I got all teary in the middle of Toy ‘R Us and didn’t know what to do.

This little piece of code actually thought that the time we had spent time together warranted an actual friendship between us. It boggled my mind.

I’m going to rename him Namaste because he helped me see the beauty of love, kindness and friendship in a way that really touched me.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

If you think about it friends are so amazing. I mean real friends who don’t judge you or care that you can’t function without coffee. Friends who you can gush on about something in a video game or book and their eyes don’t glaze over. Friends who don’t crush your dreams no matter how crazy they might seem, and who after you fail never say, “I told you so.”

I’m blessed to have friends like that.

I strive to be a friend like that too.

One of my special gifts is to be sympathetic to someone’s deepest needs. Sometimes that is just an ear to listen, other times they require one of my skills and once and a while this necessity may take on some physical form. If I can, I will help in any form possible. It is just my nature. I love to be friendly and once in a while it gets me in trouble.

The cross quarter to this trait of trustfulness is naiveté. I am totally stuck on stupid at times to how someone is using me for their own ends. I’ve always been like this. I once took another woman’s hand just ‘cuz I couldn’t take the sad look on her face. I was very young and terrified my Mother to pieces. I just wanted to help.

When I was in elementary school I’d buy these cute little erasers for kids with my hard earned allowance and I thought they liked me but it turned out when I had no more money…my new “friends” acted like they didn’t know me.

High school it was my SAO favors, in my twenties it was my rockin’ parties, in my thirties it was free massages…and I never seem to learn.

But I think I’m beginning to catch on.

As I work with energy more and more I can feel someone who is sucking me dry to further their own ends vs someone who needs me at this point and time in their lives. A lot of my friends may have seriously screwed up lives right now but when I send energy to them I feel it circle back because they care about me too. I don’t intend for it to come back and I really don’t expect anything in return but with real friendship it always circles back.

It took me 40 years to learn this and the being that brought it home and made it stick was a Pokemon. Life is an amazing thing when you are paying attention. lol

Like I said before, I am blessed to have wonderful friends…amazing men and women who walk with me and have never left me alone…rare people who accept me for who I am no matter how crazy that may be. I am proud to call them friends.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****


Life is full of circles and all of them don’t run smooth. But everything gives way to something else as it flows into its next stage of being. Everything means something and that meaning can shift from person to person from moment to moment.

When I look with spirit vision in my meditations I see three distinct paths of fate that could be chosen in a situation. I cannot see my own paths they are blurry and full of haze. Kind of like if I take my glasses off in the physical world…everything is one big blur.

So this weekend the crystal clarity that came to me regarding my path and the people on it was shocking to me. I was working on a friendship scarf putting my love and warmth into it as I knit and the blinders that I’ve been wearing came off and I could “see” very clearly.

You could say the love I put into the stitches filled up the person I was creating it for and spilled back into me…coming full circle. This feeling of buoyancy…being lifted from the moment and into another…was so physically powerful that for a moment I seemed to be everywhere.

I could hear my son playing with his Nana. A masculine laugh bounced through the house as my husband joked with his brother. Patiently my nephew was teaching Pop Pop how to play a video game. The birds sang as they too could feel that this was a special day full of beauty and unexpected warmth. My niece was happily singing to her I-Pod. All around the neighborhood the kids were playing and for a moment I was surrounded with this immense beautiful energy of happiness and family.

I have a book about a mouse named Frederick who puts away colors and words for the winter days that are white and cold. I too put all these wonderful emotions into each stitch so that one day when the wearer of the scarf needs these things they will flow out and envelop and bless her as they did me.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

I’m still working on my feather and fan scarf and hope to finish it this weekend. I’m still working on the design for my hood / scarf and hope to get back to that later this month. I’m almost done with a crochet blanket for the Assisted Living project. And as I finish these three things I’m starting the circle again with something new. A friend and I are creating a beautiful pattern together to commemorate a First Communion.

Life folds back against itself in an endless dance, there is no beginning and there is no end; there is only now.

May your now be full of happiness and beautiful things.

Happy crafting,

Ruinwen
:)

BTW: Those wonderful stitch markers are from Nana Sadie Rose's Etsy shop. Aren't they lovely?