Vixenpath

Reinventing Myself

2012-01-27T08:23:00.000-05:00

I’m back.

The old me would apologize for being away so long. But the new me knew I needed the time to make sense of everything before I came back.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t miss everyone…because I did.

I thought that my hiatus on my blog would be enough but I ended up abandoning my e-mail and Facebook as well.

In the end it was lace that brought me back to my center. I made eight lace projects starting with finishing the Queen of Hearts shawl. The shawl is done and I am awed by the beauty of the yarn and the lines of the lace.

I realized that when I started knitting one of the shawls that there was a glaring mistake that messed up the count and skewed the lace. Such a simple thing to leave out one K1; you would think that it could hardly do any real damage. But it did.

At this point you have 3 choices; a crossroads of sorts that will determine the rest of the flow of your pattern. You can rip back to a point where everything made sense and put in a life-line. You will have to pay attention this time and maybe you can figure out where the mistake is and avoid it…or you might just do it again…and again. This first scenario often lends itself to overdoses of chocolate or even stronger methods of soothing one’s frazzled nerves.

The second choice you have is to ignore it. You can blindly make an increase and hope for the best. Sometimes this will work; other times you will find that the fix is worse then the mistake. The question you need to ask yourself is can you live with it? If you can then, voila, you can go on with your pattern happy as a clam.

I’m not sure how happy a clam is. But this idiom comes from either from them being happy in high tide because that is the time they are free from predators and all is right in their clammy world or from the fact their shells look like little smiles.

Either way that is how you will feel if you can manage to make a mistake and let it go. There is another tier to this second choice. Many cultures believe that a mistake in their craft honors the Divine. Only the PTB (Powers That Be) can be perfect and by making a conscious mistake and gifting it to the PTB you are honoring them. I always try and acknowledge one in everything I make. It can be as simple as an uneven stitch that maybe only you can see. Since perfection is unobtainable; this is an easy thing to do.

Now if you can’t live with your mistake then you have to choose again between choice one; ripping back and choice 3 which is to give up all together.

This can be expressed by ripping the project back to a ball of now kinky yarn and never looking at the pattern again. But the most common thing is to place it away in a UFO holding pattern. That way you haven’t given up and you might actually get back to it at some later date.

My life was like this example. I kept trying to make it better but I needed to rip everything away before I could see what was really going on within me.

I spent the last 4 months doing just that.

I meditated on what my path is and where I am going. I started taking on knitting and healing clients. It helped me to step outside myself and see how other people see me.

There was this anime that DH and I watched where they said when someone has a friend who can see things within them that their friend cannot, it allows that person to glimpse those aspects of self and embrace parts of themselves that they didn’t even know existed.

Even a person who does not love themselves can mirror love from another by reasoning, “If they can love me, I should be able in turn to find something in me that is lovable.”

There was a moment where one of the girls in my knitting group who I also consider a good friend, gave me the gift of a spinning class in the spring; and I burst into tears. She told me that I was always so giving and kind to everyone she wanted to give me something in return.

At that moment something in me shifted and I began to see myself as my friends saw me and to tell the truth I did not know this woman they talked about. One of the things they talked about was my talent as a knitter.

I wanted to argue that I have ripped back on plenty of projects and made mistakes that were totally unfixable. I wanted to expound on my fear of steeking and all my faults. But I didn’t.

At that moment I chose to see if they were right and I decided to make a lace project a week until July 25 and give each of these beautiful knitting friends a little bit of me owning my talent.

The first project I was a bit scared that I would find my talent was all a sham but that soon gave way to a new appreciation for how the yarn came together in lovely patterns as I knit away.

I realized when I came the point in the pattern where there was an error that I could visualize what was missing and fixed it and just kept knitting. As the finished projects piled up I began to feel this inner strength flexing its muscles.

I began to embrace the process again and each new project brought such joy to me. Lace patterns became an extension of Zen meditations.

When each gift was finally opened they were all received with such love and gratitude. It was at that moment that I realized there was no charade; I am truly a knitter.

That doesn’t mean I won’t make mistakes but it does mean that I can meet each with patience and understanding the way I do for my students.

The next goal I have is to get a pattern up on Ravelry. I am designing a layout for my patterns, which has a learning curve of new software. But I’m up to the task.

Last year I got so caught up in making sure I posted each week that I created things to post about. This year I’m going to create something and then post about it. I’m not promising any schedule and I don’t feel guilty about that.

Right now I am knitting a prayer shawl for my friend’s Mother. It is made with some merino that is a light blue and white color-way. I was saving it for something to go with jeans but c’est la vie. This is the Shoulder Shawl from Victorian Lace today. The merino is making this huge and squishy which for my purposes is just perfect. I’m on the lace border right now.

I love this pattern and will make it again with actual lace weight yarn at some point. The shawl body itself was easy to memorize and I was soon knitting it without a pattern. The edging is a little tricky with the double yarn-overs but on the whole it is the piece de resistance.

The shawl is lovely without the edging but with it the shawl is transformed into something almost magical. I’m really enjoying the process.

******************

I wrote the above post in a moment of clarity where everything was clicking about 6 months ago. That is why the dates and projects are skewed.

The truth was I still needed to fall before I could get back up. And fall I did. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was blessed beyond measure but she chaos outside of me had overtaken me and I lived in constant shadow.

I had been moving forward with so many things that I hadn't taken time to truly grieve my losses. It started with a potato pancake made from left-over mashed potatoes. Mom always saved a little mashed potatoes to make me a few potato pancakes. I can never get them to taste just like hers; I think I am missing a Mother's love.

She had all kinds of things she would make that would cheer me up. Like cutting my toast and making it into a log cabin when I was sick...such a sweet thing. So simple...so Mom.

It is hard for me to grasp that my home where I grew up has been sold...that the Mom I love will never make me a log cabin toast treasure again. Our roles are switched and now it is my time to take care of her...to help her find her way.

I miss being able to talk to her. Her insights were always loving and deep and really I should have listened to her more rather then being so hard headed. I miss my friend and confidant.

We spent most of the Summer with either Mom or Dad in and out of the ER. If Mom's cancer was in remission then Dad would have some brush with death that spun my world out of control with concern and worry.

I love my parents so much it is so hard for me to see them suffer. I want to do something; but I'm just helpless and it is so frustrating for me to do nothing.

This Summer my husband was out of a job and that was a stress all in itself. I wanted to trust that the God and Goddess would provide; I really tried to embrace my faith. But as the Summer wore on it ate at me. So instead of worrying I tried to help my husband polish up his resume and what ever I could do to be a supportive wife to the brilliant man I married.

I took time to listen to what he was seeking and realized this was more then a paycheck this was my husband wanting something more out of his career. The perfect job fell in his lap working for a gaming company...Praise the Goddess. He loves it there and I am so happy that not only did he find a good job but a place where he feels happy.

And that is really what this whole post is really about...happiness.

My friend sent me a mantra:

I am deeply centered and peaceful in life. It is safe for me to be alive and joyous.

I half heartily said this when she gave it to me like a prescription. But then I added two of my own one day in a moment of inspired reading.

I am loved. I am guided and protected. This situation will resolve.

and

I am financially secure now, and I have a surplus of money to spare and share.

This shift happened around Yule. We don't turn the lights on the decorations until after Yule...to signify the sun's return. The tree was so dark without lights...sad even and I realized that what was missing in me...light.

I stopped and asked myself, "What five things did I want to bring into my life to invite in more light?" When I made this list I didn't worry about what people would think or care if it was silly. I wrote down my five things and breathed life into them. I found an app called Aspire that allows you to take your goal and put in pictures, reasons and music. It is an amazing way to focus on something for a few moments a day.

On New Year's Eve I stood outside and left 2011 and all the stuff that was not making me happy in the old year that was of my own making. I whispered to the New Year coming in the next day that when I opened the door to change me. To allow me to always be able to reach into myself and find the joy that I could feel at this moment. To allow my choices to be ones that built me up instead of tearing me down. And since I believe in magic...to allow me pass this bliss that was bubbling up inside of me to others through a smile, hug or even a post on a blog.

Happiness is a choice. I have said it before, I thought I had learned this lesson but I hadn't. I have learned even in the situations that surround me day-to-day that I can either let them break me or I can breathe love into them. If I can take a situation that I hate and breathe love into it; then it starts to change. Maybe the hatred can turn to a kernel of understanding and allow compassion to grow.

Maybe at one point the hatred will go away and only the compassion and understanding will remain. I really hope so. But like anything worth having...I will have to work at this new way of seeing life and the chaos in it.

So this is me; the good and the bad...and despite the chaos swirling in my life...I am happy. Truly blessed...giddy with love and compassion for all I have been blessed with. My support system is awesome; my family and friends are amazing. My goals are being achieved one by one. I have two patterns up on Ravelry and more are to come. I am half-way there to my goal of financial serenity. My husband, sister and I are working on a project together that is rewarding and full of fun. And finally my son said to me the other day, "I love you Mommy. You are the funnest Mom in all the world." It doesn't get much better then that.

It is great to be back.

Happy Crafting,

Hugs
Ruinwen

Back In A Month

2011-04-01T10:13:00.000-04:00

I need to take a break.

I don’t know how to write this in words that make sense to anyone else but me but I’m going to try.

Right now I am struggling with my blog. I find that I feel guilty about not posting or knitting something new…and right now it is more of a chore then the joy it used to be for me.

The situations around me do not change and I feel stuck even as I evolve and I know that I seem to be writing the same things over and over.

I was waiting for a sign to make this all make sense to me…and today it snowed. The Goddess told me sometimes in order to connect you need to disconnect first…like a reboot.

So this is me disconnecting from my blog for a month. After that time I will reassess all my blog issues.

In the meantime I hope to get caught up on all the blogs I am behind on…read my e-mail…and get caught up on Ravelry.

I’m going to take this time away to take a good hard look at my life and what I want vs what I can actually accomplish.

I’m not depressed. I’m burned out. I’ve burned the candle at both ends for too long and I need to step back for a bit.

They say the hardest part of a journey is the first step.
See you all in a month.

I am always awed that you are there to support and uplift me. I am blessed to have a beautiful cyber family like you.

Ruinwen
:)

Spring is Really Here

2011-03-17T18:53:00.001-04:00

Crocus, originally uploaded by Ruinwen.

Look what popped up in my garden today! The bright color is so welcome after this cold winter.

I'm feeling as the sun has been returning I've been coming back to myself more and more. The chaos ever swirling around me never changes...but somehow when more light is present...it is not as unbearable.

I have finished the length of my sweater and the cabling looks really beautiful. I'm not sure that I like the bottom without a border...so I will have to contemplate that.

I have been doing a lot of that as of late...contemplating that is.

This is the time that I am planting my seeds for spring and I decided to keep it simple this time. I have honed my focus in five directions and I feel really good about that.

AIR - CREATIVITY
FIRE - HEALING
WATER - COMPASSION
EARTH - PROSPERITY
SPIRIT - CONNECTION

I meditated on it for a while and these were the things that really jumped out at me. Creativity is a given and encompassed under this title is finishing my shawl. Healing is something I need to do for myself. I am finishing up the Dentistry this month and then I will start on the whole Doctor thing. Compassion is necessary that I not be so hard on myself and more understanding of the previously mentioned chaos. Prosperity in all things is my mantra and always my focus. And last but not least; the connection of Spirit is not something I lack but rather I wish to deepen the times that I am open to Spirit's energy.

I wish you all a Happy Ostra this weekend as the spirit of Spring comes back to the land and our hearts.

Ruinwen
:)

On The Needles

2011-03-10T16:41:00.001-05:00

Mr. Greenjeans Sweater, originally uploaded by Ruinwen.

Excuse the strands of yarn everywhere...this is a work in progress. I am enjoying this knit and would love to make it in something else at some later point...but for now I'm loving this yarn.

The ribbing is really pretty with the cables in it. A scarf would be really lovely with that pattern and I may have to make that in the future.

Sorry this is a short post...but things are really in flux here and I'm not sure if I start pouring my heart out...I'll be able to stop.

Have a nice weekend,
Ruinwen
:)

Bobbles on the Thread of Life

2011-03-04T06:11:00.001-05:00

I had a student of mine come by and ask me to make her booties and a hat for her first Grandchild. She had picked this sky blue yarn with a thread wrapped around it with bobbles attached. Truly it is a charming yarn to look at and when the project is done it looks as sweet as pie. But getting there...now that is a totally different story.

First of all just trying to make sure that those little bobbles get through the stitch is agonizing...secondly; it throws the gauge way off. She wanted newborn sizes of everything and it made all my patterns a size up which meant I would have to rewrite any pattern I had.

So all other projects had to go to the back burner as I worked on this commission. My sweater...my shawl. I am so behind it makes me want to cry. I thought I could just knock these out...well you know all the cliches about assuming...

This got me thinking about my trip to the dentist. The Valium did it's job and I was good and non-stressed. I can't tell you how many times that I fell asleep in that chair. But it's what happened afterward that got me pondering.

You see I couldn't compartmentalize anymore. I couldn't multi-task or do more then one thing at a time. My brain was so relaxed and calm that all it could do was think of one idea and focus on that. For instance I put in a load of laundry and then since that was all there was to do at that time promptly forgot about it. In fact in all fairness I can't remember putting it there in the first place.

I tried to do things like pack my bags for the next day like I always do...and I kept getting lost. There was no list in my head to follow of things that needed to be done...and I felt very helpless.

I thought to myself how does anyone function like this day to day?

Then I realized that this is what meditation is supposed to be like. A singular focus...flowing from one thing to the next without worrying about all the other things there are to do...it was about giving all to each moment before moving on to the next.

This is what surrendering everything and living in the moment felt like.

Right now in that moment something became very clear to me that has bothered me non-stop since that day...I am like that yarn I hated working with. All the things I fill my day with are like the bobbles on the thread...a thread that clings to every aspect of my day. Just like Atlas with his world...I don't leave home without my thread. Sometimes that thread becomes wound around itself so many times with all I am trying to shove into a moment that it becomes a bobble. Unfortunately, this is a regular part of each day.

But the most horrible truth is that I felt totally at loss in a world of surrender. I need to do more then one thing at a time now and then to make things work. If I don't pack up the books that need to go to the post office a day before I need to go...they might not get there. If I waited for the most opportune time to take them then I would owe money for not getting them back before the deadline.

Singular focus cannot cook food while unloading the dishwasher...to do so would be to dishonor the food being prepared or the task of cleaning the kitchen.

So where does that leave me? I've realize that as much as I would like to make some things happen in my life...to do so would make more bobbles then I can handle. I need to acknowledge that now is not the time to try and take on a second income. I cannot manage it. I work 40 hours a week, visit my parents as much as possible, have a second family living in our home, a son who usually has homework every night, a house to clean, clothes to wash, a family to cook for and a bunch of other stuff that is the central basis to my life.

Just managing to juggle all these things is a miracle to me. If I didn't have the love and support of my wonderful DH, friends and family I couldn't handle all that I do. But I do and I am so thankful.

Every Fair I always have all these big dreams and then we get to the next one and I'm just happy to have stock. I work a little on each goal but I still don't get all the way there. We've tried to make time to work on our products but the truth is we are tired by the weekend. We only get a few hours of family time during the week and our weekends are precious to us.

That is why last Fair my biggest goal was to actually finish the QOH shawl...and I'm going to do it before May. But I still need to replenish stock. I've been doing these commissions non-stop and that is really great...I am very thankful that people are coming to me to make things for them...but everything has to stop when I get a commission and my other projects get put on hold.

I felt extreme guilt that I worked on the QOH shawl last Friday at meet-up instead of my commission. But it had been a hard week and I wanted to work with the yummy lamb's wool.

My poor sweater does not exist. It is not even cast on and I feel horrible about it. Everyone else is all the way to the cabling or farther and I haven't even started.

But this is the reason I am very selective about KALs and such. I know that things just get bogged down in my life for periods of time and there is nothing I can do about that.

So here I am at Friday again...the booties are done. That hat is in progress. My shawl is at 13 repeats of 15. My sweater is in little balls of untouched beautiful yarn...and all of it is...okay.

I will knit on the hat at lunch and my shawl at meet-up and I will feel guilty about neither. I will get to the sweater when the hat is complete.

Just because I plan and organize doesn't mean that my life has to be totally filled with bobbles. When I look ahead it doesn't mean I can't shift my focus to the present moment. Knowing my limits and when to say, "No," is not a bad thing.

As always; all things will work out in the accordance of their time. I can plan and organize and create space for things but they all will become complete and whole when it is their time to do so. That is the way it has always been and I know that will never change.

Vixenpath will have what it needs to see us through another Fair. My shawl will get done. I will learn the lesson of taking care of myself and all the Dentists and Doctors will have been visited and I will catch up on my healthcare. I will learn to let go of the things I cannot change and lay them at the feet of the God and Goddess. I will understand that financial serenity is not based on a number but on the flow of prosperity.

****************

On a separate note. Look at this beautiful pendant the talented Birdsong made me. I love the energy that I feel emanating from this beautiful pendant. It has stones to represent each member of our family. I love the way the tree is interconnected yet the stones each shine separate and whole by themselves. If you want one of these for a gift or for your own family; send Birdsong a note and she can create a one-of-a-kind work of art for you.

****************

It is a little cold here but I think that we have seen our last snowfall (knock on wood). So my shawl shot will have to wait until next year. Oh well.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Ruinwen
:)

Ooops!

2011-02-25T08:01:00.002-05:00

This week has been so crazy what with the snow...Dentist...Dad...and my head just generally not being on my shoulders that I forgot to write a post.

Please forgive me.

I know I said this last week...but next week I will do better. I have tons to show you and share and I will get my butt in gear and write a decent post.

I'm going to spend Saturday with Dad getting all his bills in order and then madly knitting to try and catch up with my commission work.

I hope you have a beautiful weekend.
Ruinwen
:)

A Not So Typical Week

2011-02-18T05:59:00.002-05:00

It seems that February has hit me with a curve ball.

Each of us has been sick. It hit DH and me harder then our son so I am dragging and looking forward to a week of doing nothing.

I have not knit a stitch in a week.

Dad is in the hospital because he will not take care of himself nor let us do the job. The Assisted Living he stays in made me feel like I'm at fault when I have done all I can do. He does not listen to us and spouts Fatherly experience but in the end does nothing to help the situation. *sigh* Please pray for him and me while you are at it...this has been a hard week.

A SWAT team appeared as if by magic across from where I work. For two hours it was guns, black cars, helicopters and tons of operatives. Scared the heck out of me. They did catch someone...but I have no idea what happened.

Social Services was called again by my ex-SIL. So we did the same old song and dance and they came to the same conclusion. It pisses me off that once again my child was called out to talk to them and she has put my family in jeopardy as well as hers. She doesn't seem to understand that if indeed they found something wrong they would take my child as well and they would be taken into foster care before being given to another family member. She doesn't understand that she would not be that member. And it pisses me off that once again we had to do this. But apparently this is my life and the social worker seemed pretty upset she had to come and visit a place that was cleared 120 days ago.

To top it off my son's fish died today. He admitted like an adult that he does not want another fish. He cannot keep up with the needs of another living thing and do his homework. My sweet poor little boy. Thank you Speedy for your loyalty when I'd come up to the tank you'd always swim to greet me. May your journey on the rainbow road be full of perfect streams filled with sunbeams and happiness.

So TGIF. I have nothing to show for this week expect I survived it.

Love you all,
Ruinwen
:)

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

2011-02-11T06:20:00.000-05:00

My son and I went to the Dentist last night. He had no cavities and actually enjoyed going...yay. I hadn't been since before he was born (I know bad Ruinwen) so I didn't know what to expect. But apparently I have good brushing habits and my gums and what is under them is good. *whew* I have to go back for a scaling and to fill a few little cavities...but that is it.

I've made my appointment for the work. I'm going to take my Valium and go to my happy place and not get freaked out about this. The Dentist was the nicest one I have ever met. He was honest and explained everything and told me that he would not do anything until I was good and numbed.

He said after that if I keep up what I've been doing and see him every six months then I shouldn't have to have scaling done again...or get a cavity. So I'm doing what my sister said...treat my body in the same way as my financial serenity (which is getting a set back of a thousand dollars) ...this is my first step to healthy serenity. Yay me. :)

*****************************

If you read this blog then you know that numbers and I don't get along. Sometimes I get dollars and time mixed up and it quite frustrating. Well apparently I also get inches and gauge mixed up and it was equally upsetting. After finally finding the gauge for my sweater I was told by a friend that I had seen 4 stitches where it said 4 inches...big difference.

So I swallowed what was left of my pride and ripped out my swatch and began again. This time I used size 9 needles and got my gauge on the first try. *happy dance* This is my sample swatch of the cable ribbing on the bottom of the sweater. The first part was done with size 9 needles and the second was knit with 8s. The pattern calls for a step down in needle size when you get to the ribbing. I understand that this helps to shape and create an accented waist...but I wonder if I need to go down a size.

This is superwash and I'm not sure how it blocks compared to actual wool. So I'm going into this with more questions then answers but the actual start of this sweater is Saturday. My friends are taking a class together and I am going to start it at home. So when we all get together we should be on equal ground.

*****************************

At Imbolic one of the things I start doing is looking at seeds. In many ways this is torture to me. I'd love to plant herbs in all the beds but we have these termite things in each bed. I'm leery to eat anything that goes into that dirt. Plus they spray around the house so those beds are off limits for herbs or vegetable matter.

And the past few years I haven't really had time to garden; but this year I want to plant some flowers in the beds and get some more containers for a few herbs and maybe a few veggies.

When looking at an herb I have a lot of criteria that I consider. First it has to be something I will use in cooking or medicinally. I always like it to have a strong spiritual connection as well.

Take calendula for example. It is wonderful as a topical remedy for wounds and skin irritations. Calendula is known for its anti-inflammatory, astringent, anti-fungal, antiseptic, antioxidant, antiviral, and mild antibacterial properties.

Note: Calendula is generally considered safe for topical application. It should not be applied to an open wound without a doctor’s supervision. People who are sensitive to plants in the daisy or aster family, including chrysanthemums and ragweed, may also have an allergic reaction to calendula (usually a skin rash).

It can be used to create a rich beautiful yellow dye which has been used by many cultures. The leaves and petals can be sprinkled on salads or used in cooking. Some call it the poor man's saffron. You gain that rich yellow when you use it in your cooking; but it doesn't have saffron's same exotic flavor.

In magic its powers come from the sun and the element of fire. It is an herb of protection, bolstering self confidence, aiding in legal matters and helping decipher or induce prophetic dreams.

As a Flower Essence it has Positive qualities for healing warmth and receptivity, especially in the use of the spoken word and in dialogue with others. It aids in patterns of imbalance of using cutting or sharp words; argumentative, lack of receptivity in communication with others.

And finally it is really a beautiful herb. It has a sunny scent and looks striking in a bouquet of wildflowers. The one I'm looking at has a high resin content just for medicinal usage and it is a brilliant bright orange; the kind you might see at sunset.

So these are all the factors I think about as I think about planting. Right now our land is covered in snow and it is hard to think that spring is right around the corner...but a certain groundhog said spring was coming early and I choose to believe him. :)

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend,
Ruinwen
:)

Disillusionment

2011-02-04T06:20:00.001-05:00

One alone is not enough. You need both together.
Winter, summer. Moon and sun.
Lesson number one.

Like a rock you must be hard.
Like an oak you must stand firm.
Cut quick like my blade.
Think fast unafraid.

But you're still out of balance.
You're only halfway there.

Like a cloud you are soft.
Like bamboo you bend in the wind.
Creeping slow.
You're at peace because you know
It's okay to be afraid.

From Disney's Mulan II

*********
I just drew the 9 of wands for my Imbolic card reading. The Goddess wants me to persevere in the days to come.

But right now I am bummed. In the whole of the Universe my little trivial feelings mean nothing; but right now in this moment I am sad....really sad. You might remember how happy I was to get my little belly ring to honor my belly for all it has done in creating life. But not all these piercings take and after mine caught on the laundry basket it has never been the same. It began migrating a bit ago and I turned a blind eye to the whole thing. After all the pain and fear I had to overcome to get this done had to account for something. But tonight after drawing that card...I knew I had to take it out. And a part of me is mourning tonight. It seems most of the time I do something for myself it never works out as well as the things I do for others.

*sigh*

There is more ice and sleet on the way. More time for introspection as the world freezes and time is held captive. And I can hear the Goddess saying that I can't give up...I have to keep walking the path. All will be well.

But the path seems to be covered in a foot of snow and I think that I have lost my way again.

I'm not sure what She wants me to do or where I am to go.

I have been throwing all my creative energies into my knitting as of late. The shawl is growing by leaps and bounds and I can't believe I will be done before Spring graces the land. *believe me, my crocuses will not be rising anytime soon*

I have a pattern in the works that I've been wanting to make for me and I think it will be adorable. Our group is making a sweater together and I just ordered my yarn after much debate. So I am looking forward to some knitting for me in February. Then in March I need to work on stuff for the store. But Feb will be about finishing my shawl...knitting on a sweater that I plan to wear all the time and making something that came out of a dream two weeks ago. I'll share more as I obtain the yarn and more of a clue of what I am doing.

*********

I saw the moon and She was just a sliver hanging in the sky getting ready to go dark. I remember a lesson She taught me a long time ago that even the moon needs to take some time to bring Her light within. Her time of darkness is necessary to Her renewal. All living things need this time to go within and renew. Why should I be any different?

Bridget came to me today after the ice covered us this morning and gave me an answer for my question of last night. She told me that my path at this time is to cultivate me. I need this time to renew myself...to heal those things that need to be healed...to lessen my stress...to attend to things that I have ignored. This is my time to go dark and turn my light within.

*********

To be in balance is the greatest challenge anyone can face. Life often skews us one way or another and it takes a lot to tip the scales back to the center again.

There are many plants that know one cannot be strong all the time. When the winds of adversity come they bend with the pressure instead of cracking and breaking to pieces.

But ice is another story. A layer of ice on the trees seems beautiful; yet let it accumulate and it too will break even those that are pliant and lithe.

Ice can be equated to frozen thoughts. One troublesome thought can be nagging but with patience and perseverance you can work through it. But if that thought is layered upon itself over and over then your emotions can't help but spiral out of control.

February is a time to stop and go within. The snow and ice makes you slow down whether you want to or not.

I'm going to take this month to reach inside myself instead of outside. I have two projects that I would like to work on besides the shawl but beyond that I will focus on the shawl. I am up to 11 repeats and working on the 12th. I can do this.

I am going to the dentist on Tuesday. A part of me is screaming while a part of me is standing strong...so together I am in balance. lol

*********

I got my yarn yesterday for my sweater and I realized that I ordered the gauge of the yarn in the pattern but that instead of 4.5 stitches to the inch it called for...they really wanted 4 stitches to the inch. And this yarn that they used is bigger then mine by a bit so where as they can get gauge on an 8 or 9 sized needle; mine is more around the 10.5 range.

The problem is will this distort the stitches having such a small yarn on such huge needles? I was so happy to finally get gauge but I wonder if doubling up the yarn would make a difference. The problem with doubling is I lose the effect of the yarn. This yarn has a magical rainbow effect that drew me to choosing this yarn in the first place.

So I'm kinda lost on which way to go. But maybe the huge needle size won't change the pattern that much...it could all be in my head. The point is one way or another I'm still going to make this sweater.

If you have any words of wisdom from past experience with gauge like this...please let me know.

Have a super weekend!
Ruinwen
:)

On Idle

2011-01-28T06:04:00.005-05:00

This week we found ourselves blessed with a lot of snow. I must have pulled something shoveling because I find myself having trouble typing and I couldn't hold a knitting needle either. So this will be a short post.

"Work is not always required ... there is such a thing as sacred idleness, the cultivation of which is now fearfully neglected."
-- George MacDonald

I had a day and 1/2 off due to the snow. And during that time I got nothing accomplished. When I got home I was cold and tired and just needed some R&R. So I spent time playing with my son and niece. Today I shoveled for three hours and that was it. DH was sick...and I was frozen and aching and...well...done.

We can't be moving all the time. We must take time to pause in between each great action to get our breath and renew our spirit.

This morning when I shoveled there was this great peace to the quiet day dawning all white and pristine. With my music in my ears I didn't really mind the work. But after a while I became wet and numb with the repetitiveness of the act of shoveling and realized this is an example of day to day life.

Many of us do the same things over and over until we become numb with the tediousness of it. It is only the pauses in between that make these tasks bearable. And when we ask so much of ourselves we must give back to our resources least we become depleted from our endeavors.

I used to have this terrible guilt when I just became lax on the weekend. But now I realize that this is a necessary part of the cycle. The things that need to be done are always taken care of. That goes without saying. But I'm taking more time to recharge instead of thinking that I have to keep moving 24/7.

I need to not let the guilt that crops up during these times effect me. It is so easy to fall into the trap of doing something for the wrong reasons.

As Imbolic / Candlemas approach I am reminded that once again I must bring forth my seeds from spirit and decide what I'm focusing on this Spring.

Air - I am going to finish my Queen of Hearts Shawl
Fire - I am going to find a way to work out with 6 people in this house
Water - I am going to learn when to pause and be still
Earth - I am continuing the path of financial serenity
Spirit - We are continuing to celebrate the full moons as a Family

Those are my goals. I hope to grow great fruit with them and have a bountiful harvest in the fall.

*hugs* to you all
Runwen
:)

Why I Believe I am a Pisces

2011-01-21T05:30:00.005-05:00

*all this is speculation of my own. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind or create a flame war. I'm just trying to figure some things out.*

I know that you have heard about this. For a moment it felt like everything I knew was challenged; the world felt off kilter and suddenly I didn't even know my own self.

I have always thought I was an Aries...I blamed my sign for most of my behavior but in truth I never have been a very good Aries because of some of my core beliefs that have always been with me.

Aries are warriors and I am not; I am a peace-at-any-price kind of person. A ram's element is fire. Don't get me wrong I love a good fire...and I love the sun; but water is and always has been more my element. I have to immerse myself in water during the week...it regenerates me. I listen to the waves before bed to shut off my mind chatter. Being by the water centers me and invigorates me. I love listening to rain...I sleep my best during storms. And the liquid I take in more then any other is water. Most days it is all I drink. My body craves it and it always feels better after I've taken in cool...fresh...water.

While I do have the Arian..."let's start something and I will lead the way and then I will step back and see what comes of it attitude"...I'd much rather express myself through creativity and helping others. In fact sometimes I help too much. An expressed concern from friend or family sends me spiraling to help even when it wasn't really asked for. I've already come up with at least three ways to work out their problem...when it wasn't really a problem to begin with.

I have the Piscean...(or would that be Picon for us BSG fans?)...attitude that everybody's needs come before mine...and then I can be happy. Which, I know isn't necessarily a good thing.

I have an Arian stubbornness. But the water can be stubborn too...it just does it in a more subtle way.

First and foremost I see myself as a Healer which is more Piscean. I think in my youth I was happier to be a warrior and leader but now I feel that my view of life has changed. I do not need to lead to feel happy. In fact I'm happy to sit back on Friday night and bask under someone else's leadership. It feels like a sigh of relief to have somewhere to go that all I have to do is sit and knit.

And as I look back a lot of my control issues were not what they seemed. I'd have a party so I wouldn't have to go somewhere I didn't know. It was easier to break my bank buying supplies and having to clean my house the next day then going somewhere else and maybe having a panic attack.

To this day I still get panic attacks when I have to go somewhere that is different then the day-to-day. Now I breathe through them and take some Bach Rescue Remedy and I can see them for what they are. But in the past I didn't understand that; all I could feel was this sense of dread and I needed to be as far from it as possible...not very Arian.

If they are really bad I just ask for someone to go with me. I've learned that I can't always do it on my own and there is no shame in that. But that was a hard lesson to learn.

My moods swing like the many faces of water. And with me it is more what is under the surface then what is floating up top. everything has a deeper meaning to me.

I can feel emotions off of people like heat radiating from the sun. I am very emphatic and not just people but places and ideas. I have trouble when I am not feeling my own emotions to allow them to disperse. I have worked very hard not to take on someone or something else's emotions. But there are still times that one look from a stranger can make me cry because I feel their anguish and it tears me up inside.

I like to work alone...though I'm like my Mom...I want someone nearby...even on a different floor...because I don't like being totally alone.

I have the ability to day dream...I prefer to call it visualization. Like mental chess I take a situation in my head and project different scenarios until one makes sense. Pisceans find it hard to concentrate on one project while Aries don't finish what they start. Usually I will have broken a project down into parts in my mind. If I feel I have gotten through the part that was holding my attention I will stop. It is at this point that I will start something new if I lose my focus. At any point if the project becomes charged with emotion...then I will stop too.

My emotions get so strong at times that they really do run my life. If I mess up something or do something wrong it starts a litany of all the bad things said to me in my life and I associate those feelings with whatever I'm doing. It is very difficult for me after that point to pick the project up again. If I could only uplift myself the way I do for others...

So as you can see; I am much more Piscean then Arian. Maybe when I was younger I was more Arian. But now; my life revolves around the love I have for my family and friends, creating beautiful things, celebrating life through my spirituality and gaming.

**************

On to projects. The first blue lace panel is from a scarf I finished for a dear friend. It was a difficult project because the purl rows were still working rows...so I always had to be alert. But after the fourth repeat I got into the flow of it and found it very serene. Which, was my hope; I wanted to imbue the scarf with serenity and good thoughts. Every time I see it I smile; since it still strikes me with awe that I'm capable of making something like lace.

And since my scarf is done, that means there is room in my queue for something new. I started this little fox and I am in love with him...even without a head. I had put off making him because I was scared to mess up the color-work sections...but after much youtube...I felt ready. And look...I did it. I'm very proud of myself.

One of our knitting circle died last Friday and I didn't get much knitting done at meet-up. Our thoughts were on celebrating her life and thinking about how she had touched each of us. Last night when I went to the viewing I felt a sense of peace that I had not been able to find before about her passing.

She was dressed in her Indian Regalia and looked so beautiful. Her family had created collages of her life so even if you had never met her; you could see what kind of person she had been. It was the most beautiful and moving viewing I had ever been to. I love that her family saw this as a celebration of her life instead of just a time to mourn her.

When it is my parent's time; I would like to honor them by doing this for each of them.

On this week of the Wolf Moon, which seems to shine brighter due to the ice covering everything...I am thankful for all I have been given. Family...friends...prosperity...happiness...everything. Thank you God and Goddess for all my blessings. Some times the world spins too fast and I forget that I am standing in a river of light...thank you.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

Moving On

2011-01-14T06:23:00.005-05:00

It feels good to finish the last of my Yule projects. Yay! It feels like I can move onto this year's projects now. BTW I can't show you how much I love the way this project came out because it is for someone who reads this blog. So that will have to wait for next week.

I want to make something that is quick and easy and just a jog along the path before I start something new and I found this. If you don't have a Lion Brand account you won't be able to use the link without signing up. Don't worry it is free and they have a bunch of wonderful patterns on there.

Anyway, they have this wreath pattern with beautiful leaves and I've been saving up for the kit because the colors are perfect for Fall. But I found out the other day that they make blocks...felt them and then they cut the leaves out of the felt.

For some reason this really upset me so I am on the lookout for the most wonderful leaves to make into a Fall wreath. I figured that was a nice project for in between things or when I only have an 1/2 hour to knit but I don't want to work on something big.

Friday nights are dedicated to my Queen of Hearts shawl. I'm up to 8 of 15 hearts across and she is growing beautifully. It is made out of a discontinued Schaefer Yarn Esperanza in the Clara Barton color way. I am so happy that I have another ball after this one!

Stop me if you've heard this before...but I'd like to get this shawl done so I can do a photo shoot on a day like today. The snow is so pretty and it was one of those really great days where it was bad enough for no school so the kids are happy...but the roads are good enough that I didn't need 4 wheel drive. But yeah, I really want to take a picture of the brilliant scarlet against the pure white snow...all Little Red Riding Hood like.

I've been doing this free new game that allows me to schedule goals that grow a tree which is in fact; a representation of me. I've found that this is actually a wonderful tool for my self growth. One of the things you can do is make "movies" of the things that inspire you with quotes and or pictures...they are very nice to play to inspire, motivate or recenter you. I also enjoy the journaling aspect.

Other then that...we've been making more meals with the crock that have been really yummy. We had an awesome turkey soup made from turkey stock and root veggies. Soup seems to be a great choice for these frigid days. Then this week we took a pork roast and first marinated it then slow cooked it with honey, hoisin sauce, soy sauce, sesame oil, garlic, ginger, ketchup and honey...DH put carrots in there too and they turned out delish. It ended up tasting like Chinese BBQ...and wow that was so easy!

DH has had his first gum surgery and the Dentist said everything went great. He is in a little bit of pain but the drugs help manage that. He sees it as a small price to pay if he can keep his teeth in later life. I agree. I made appointments for both my son and I at this new Dentist. I was very, very impressed with how nice they were and how much they care about their patient's well being. Hopefully they can deal with my total irrational fear of dentists.

It makes no sense really. But the minute I think about anyone touching my teeth they start to ache. That is why I picked this dentist. They cater to cowards...and that is me in this case. I will probably have to have a Valium when they do the actual stuff I know they will have to do. Hopefully I can make it through the exam and cleaning without acting like a total baby.

I mean...I had a C-section and that didn't strike fear in me like this does. I watched the vid screen as they burned away the vein my leg both times and sure it pricked and was really hot...but that was okay. I had a needle in my thigh for the last bit of my pregnancy that shot a drug into my system every five minutes and that was tolerable. So why can't I buck up and just say that this is needed and go?

*sigh*

*breathe*

Have a great day!
Ruinwen
:)

Week one of the New Year

2011-01-07T06:36:00.004-05:00

We have to decide for ourselves what’s nourishing to our souls, and do those things over others.
-- Thomas Moore

The Holidays came and went without so much stress this year. I have already written things to do in my calendar to make them even easier. Such as...taking pictures in the Summer for our holiday card and then getting them made early...and actually creating a savings for the holidays.

I used to start making things for the Holidays in July and managed to get a lot done without stress or rushing...so I'm going to start that up again this year also.

I've worked a plan for my income and I'm really focusing on saving this year as well as paying down my card again. I had it almost paid off last year when we made two big purchases that ran it up. And since I used my Holiday money to help pay down my card then when December came around I was hurting and charged up the card again.

*sigh*

In knitting I am focusing on finishing my Queen of Heart Shawl. This is the project I will bring to Friday night meet-up group until it is done. I've been working on it for a while now but the two commissions I got took priority. The above picture is one of the of the two cardigans I made. I really enjoyed this project. It taught me how to make a cardigan by following the top-down method. Now I really want to make one for me. :)

I am currently finishing up a Yule gift that is one of those pieces you cannot do anything else while you are knitting it..which is a rarity for me. I can knock out most lace and other complicated repeating patterns without a lot of trouble while talking or whatever...but this pattern is telling me to slow down and not try and always multitask. So I'm listening to the voice of serenity and following orders.

This year I want to cultivate more serenity...peace and happiness.

To that end I'm trying to do little things to make the big things easier. Like...using the organic tub spray after bathing. I broke down the other day and scrubbed our tub from top to bottom. Then after each of us used the tub we used the spray and today when I looked our tub was beautiful. Something like that really puts a smile on my face...to know one chore is done for the day and it only took a few seconds to do it. *yay*

*My son just shared with me that he remembered to spray the tub without anyone telling him!*

I'm trying to find more of those "stitch in time saves nine" ideas to make all of our lives easier. Archimedes, our automatic vacuum cleaner saves us so much time. At his appointed time he starts cleaning and will not stop unless the area he is in is clean. He hates dirt and has a little button that lights up when he finds some. We all love him. The time he saves us is incredible...having a clean floor is priceless.

We've all been making changes here and there to improve our lives. We joined a whole foods farm and enjoy getting a morning delivery of organic healthy food. Everything there is so wonderful and delicious.

I've been looking at cell phones to find one with a lower radiation rating. Every week I make another little step to make my life safer and healthier for me and my family. I like this one. It has everything I could ever want in a phone so I'm pretty happy that it safer too. :)

So that is the week in a nut shell. They tell us that a winter wonderland is on the way...so where ever you are be safe, warm and full of happiness.

*hugs*
Ruinwen
:)

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T15:24:00.003-05:00

May you and yours be blessed in the coming year.
Ruinwen
:)

Sorry for the short post. But I have not missed a post the entire year and starting now would be unthinkable. Bright blessings everyone.

I Believe...

2010-12-24T06:36:00.000-05:00

I believe in Santa Claus. I always have…and I always will.

Faith can be defined as “belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.”

To me he is a magical spirit that descends once a year to remind us all of how blessed we are. He comes down the chimney, the heart of our home, to answer the deepest wish in each person’s heart the best that he can.

For physical things he has helpers that he whispers to that arrange for a special gift…you may know one of them.

He follows the law of Karma and each person gets back what they themselves have given to others throughout the year.

I get goosebumps every year when NORAD says that he is one state down. The tradition in our house is to get to bed quick as soon as he’s over PA. Milk, cookies and carrots are put out for our guests as an offering of thanks for another year with loved ones and all the amazing blessings that we have been given.

Thank you Santa Claus for the family gathered here…they are the greatest blessing…the most wonderful treasure that I could ask for. Thank you for my readers; many who are now dear friends…please extend your love and light to them as well and grant them each a special beautiful holiday wish.

So mote it be.

Dear Editor—
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O’Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Happy Holidays! Whatever you celebrate may your heart be full of joy and happiness.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

A Flurry of Thought

2010-12-17T06:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths, or the turning inwards in prayer for five short minutes.

-- Etty Hillesum

As I write this snow is falling, plows are running, people are shoveling and children are hoping there will be no school tomorrow.

I've always loved the quiet beauty of snowflakes. It is said that no two are alike...how amazing is that?

I had an enlightening meditative bath last night...and like the snow outside...one thought gave way to another...and another until I was immersed in a contemplative storm.

I was so relaxed that afterwards I fell right asleep and I was humming to myself when I woke up.

I love moments like that...that change us and somehow make everything seem new and shinning.

I keep waiting for the stress of the holidays to hit me...but instead I keep feeling more empowered. I've finished shopping. I only have two more breads to make and then my baking will be done. The wrapping is almost done. I've already made desert for Yule dinner. I got out Holiday cards. I've sent gifts to all those I can't see right now. So, on the whole I am good.

Maybe...just maybe I'm getting more organized every year.

I mean I know there is no tree and little decorations but really the holiday is not about that...it is about light being returned to the world. And that light is reborn in each of us. So this holiday to me is about family and celebrating that light within each of us that we all share.

I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One.

Namaste

For those that celebrate I wish you a Blessed Yule. May the light of the season be reborn in your hearts.

Bright Blessings,

Ruinwen

I'm Dreaming of a Stressless Yule

2010-12-10T06:13:00.000-05:00

You never will be the person you can be if pressure, tension and discipline are taken out of your life.

-- James G. Bilkey

Can you believe it? The two cats can actually eat next to each other without hissing or spitting. This doesn't mean that Widdershins is happy that Shadow is her brother. There still lots of tension between them and all of it is coming from her.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Nietzsche

I wonder if that is the whole point of all this rushing around and trying to make it through the season with our minds intact. Just maybe when our day of light rolls around and all the gifts are wrapped...the meal is set before us and the house is as good as it will get...we can stop and say "we survived another year."

And hopefully all that rushing around and creating enough stress to make one question their sanity will allow us a shining moment with family and friends that makes everything worthwhile.

But right now it is hard to see that the light that is soon to be reborn whether in the sky, through burning oil or lying in a manger; is deep within us. We all contain a miracle just waiting to to birthed into existence. But right now there are presents to be bought and decorations that won't hang themselves. And let us not forget those pesky cards that must be adressed and written.

This year I have tried to give up my recent holiday tradition of taking on too much, spending way too much money and stressing myself beyond what my poor body and mind can handle.

This year I did my shopping early, planned meals way ahead of time, and I hope to decorate this weekend. At least my Samhain pillow will get swapped for an angel one...Hey it's the effort right?

We won't attempt a tree...not even a small one. There just isn't space and Shadow would total it on the days we aren't here. But if you have one could you please do something for me? One of my silly little favorite things to do during the holidays is to turn the lights off and watch the patterns that the blinking lights make on the ceiling. I really miss that.

I will miss going to my parents and all the wonderful things that took for granted; cookies, putting up the tree, Mom's eggnog...anything cooked by Mom...Dad's roasts...I even miss going to Mass with Dad.

It is my turn now to make the memories that my son will hopefully fondly one day remember.

*sigh*

I wish you all a wonderful weekend,

Ruinwen

1 + 1 = 4

2010-12-03T06:29:00.001-05:00

"Believe it can be done. When you believe something can be done, really believe, your mind will find the ways to do it. Believing a solution paves the way to solution."
-- Dr. David Schwartz

I have admitted in the past that Math problems boggle my mind at times. People doubt the validity of that statement since I knit. And in knitting sometimes you have to use Math *gasp* to figure out gauge or resize a project. Actually, since I started knitting I find I use Math more then I ever did.

So you can understand my frustration at these words in my pattern.

Keep decreasing until you have 20 stitches on the needle.
Row 1: Bind off 20 stitches and purl 6 stitches (you should now have six stitches)

Ummm…okay?!? Where did those 6 stitches come from?

I left the knitting over night to see if some magical knitting elves would find my missing 6 stitches and leave them for me…but that didn’t work out so well and I ripped the whole mess out not knowing where to go from there.

And I’m over it.

New day, new pattern…I actually read this one first to make sure it makes a modicum of sense before diving into it and finding that the errata is above and beyond my skill of knowing where to go next. This is why I make a lot of my patterns from scratch. It is so much easier to follow the ramblings in my head then someone else’s. But making up a pattern takes time and that is something that I’m short on.

But back to my point. Always read the pattern all the way through. I constantly say this to all my students; so why I thought that the Fates would allow me to slip by without having my own words bite me is just plain folly on my part.

And that is what I get for trying to cut corners…sigh.

So, I’m going into this new pattern with my eyes open and hopefully next week I will have something to show for it.

I hope you all have a beautiful weekend.
Ruinwen
:)

Happy Turkey Day!

2010-11-26T06:02:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Shadow climbed into the Coke Zero box and he loved it in there. Isn't it great how cats can find happiness in the simplest things? There is a lesson there no? :)

I decided yesterday that I was giving up.

I have been struggling with the chaos around me for so long that has been eating me alive. I have so much anger over things that I cannot control that I struggle with pretending to be happy half the time. By some miracle I am staying healthy though I show many classic signs of stress disorders. And I just couldn't juggle everything anymore.

I closed my eyes and surrendered it all to the God and Goddess. I opened my heart and gave them all my struggles and troubles. I confessed that my way was not working and I was open to change. I was tired of looking through the eyes of anger and prayed to see through the eyes of love. I opened myself up and affirmed that I was ready for a miracle...a change in perception. I am willing to change...I have to change.

And I felt this overwhelming peace settle over me. Even now I feel different. Whenever my mind starts back on it's old path of negativity; I hear this gentle admonishment to center me again.

There is this weight that is gone today. Giving over everything to the Divine is a balm for my soul.

I'm not a total Pollyanna...I know that I will still struggle...but now I know in my heart that I wil be okay.

I wish you all Bright Blessings and full bellies.
Ruinwen
:)

A Mooving Experience

2010-11-19T05:40:00.001-05:00

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
-- Lao Tzu

We've been making small changes over the year to eat better and take better care of ourselves. This weekend we went to our local free range, cruelty free farm. We watched animals roaming everywhere, healthy and carefree and I knew that this was a perfect fit with the lifestyle that we are trying to create.

On Sunday we had fresh eggs scrambled with some raw delicious milk and cooked in a dash of fresh butter. My son thought they were the best eggs he had ever eaten. I cooked up some amazing sausage and bacon and we had a farm fresh meal that was good to the last bite.

We were taught that red meat is bad for you but in truth it depends on a whole bunch of factors. Most grass-fed cattle are leaner than feedlot beef, lacking marbling, which lowers the fat content and caloric level of the meat. Meat from grass-fed cattle also have higher levels of Conjugated Linoleic Acid (CLA) and the Omega-3 fatty acids ALA, EPA, and DHA.

Grass fed meat has a better Omega 6 to Omega 3 fatty acid ratio. It is important to eat these fatty acids in as close to a 1 to 1 ratio as possible.

The fat from cattle raised on green grass has much higher concentrations of vitamin K2. Studies of K2 have suggested it is extremely potent for lowering arterial calcifications, which in turn lowers the risk of heart disease.

Grass fed cattle are also healthier overall. Studies have shown that grass fed beef is virtually free of pathogenic E. coli bacteria. Factory farmed cattle are fed grains rather than grasses, and this changes in acidity of their digestive tracts. The acidity increase promotes the pathogenic strains of E. coli.

My sister really hit it on the head when we were talking about real food. Real food makes not only fills your tummy but it makes you feel good.

This week I've been eating cheese made from raw goats milk. I put it on my Italian salad along with olives and pomegranate seeds. I'm in love with this colder weather salad.

For a year now I've been lactose intolerant so imagine my surprise and elation when I can have cheeses made from raw milk...not to mention I actually had milk and didn't suffer at all.

Needless to say I could gush about all the delicious things we bought at great length. We've signed up with South Mountain Creamery and I believe it is a change for the better for all of us.

I wish you all a wonderful weekend!
Ruinwen
:)

Trials and Tribulations of 4th Grade

2010-11-12T06:20:00.003-05:00

We've been getting to know our newest family member and it is hard not to fall in love with him.

Our little girl is having some trouble adjusting to Shadow; but we caught them like this.

We have a lot of homework tonight and it took DH and I about an hour to work out what front end estimating is. These new terms are foreign and last night we read the wrong entry...told him the wrong thing...and he got it wrong.

The next thing that we tried to wrap our minds around were compatible numbers. Here is my favorite definition. What are compatible numbers? Compatible numbers are numbers that look nice or friendly with each other when we do mental calculation to estimate a product, but especially a division problem

So, here we are working with "nice or friendly numbers" and it makes me want to do something easier like steeking...jk...but seriously...

So I'm going to cut this short even though I wanted to tell you that this weekend we are going to a free range farm. They let you feed the calves and I thought my son would really like that. I wanted to share with you how we are trying to eat more whole foods and less processed crap...even if it takes longer to make and spoils quicker.

I also wanted to share with you that I've been working on a new scarf design for Vixenpath. But all that will have to wait since there is still much Math to conquer tonight. Goddess please help me.

Have a great weekend!
Ruinwen
:)

Shadow

2010-11-05T06:24:00.000-04:00

This is Shadow our newest family member. My son fell in love with him the minute he saw his ad on the web. We went to the shelter that weekend and filled out all the paperwork and last night we brought home our sweet little kitty. He is a 5 month old male with tons of energy and a lot of pursonality.

The socialization of Widdershins and Shadow is moving slowly. She won't even go up to the level that Shadow is on...and that is where her food is. I know these things take time and we are letting the cats take this whole thing at their own pace.

Shadow is adorable even if he is a bit nippy right now. He never learned to play with others so this is all new to him. The toy we got him seems to be helping with that.

He has the softest black fur with just a hint of white. I'm already in love...nips and all. :)

This is the layette set my sis asked me to make sitting on top of my son's trick or treat bag...they went so well together I thought it would make a good shot. :)

As my DH always does he has changes planned for each piece which I will spend the next month figuring out. These booties were seamed and he wants me to make the feather-and-fan cuffs with my sock pattern...which should be totally doable. Next he suggested a eyelet band in the bonnet to match the cuffs of the socks...again doable without too much fuss. Finally we are scaling down the blanket to fit a carrier...and that just takes figuring out how may repeats are needed. So hopefully these changes can be easily made so that this can be a set at Spring Fling 2011.

Baby steps...

I hope everyone has a happy weekend!
Ruinwen
:)

Happy Halloween / Happy Samhain!

2010-10-29T06:20:00.004-04:00

there is a haunted house in town

where all the walls are tumbling down

where the cobwebs hang and the window shutters bang

and all the creatures gather round

…where the bats and cats and witches keep their skeletons in stitches as they sip their spider cider in the haunted house….

they’re there, they’re there they’re really there

watch out be careful and beware

oh beware

don’t you trick or treat or you’re the one they’ll eat

when the moon shines on the haunted house.

Sis...this is just for you... because we both know all these little ditties from camp and school. And we burst into song all the time. Love the Siiiister!

Have you ever woke up and felt like a totally different person?

When I woke up on Sunday...I felt vibrant and full of light. I'm not sure really why. We spent Saturday with friends at the local farm doing all kinds of Fall things; surviving the corn maze, burying my son in the corn pit, petting farm animals, jumping on a big pillow, picking pumpkins and drinking cider and eating pumpkin pie. It was a great day. The weather was perfect.

On Sunday I decided we should decorate for the season. We haven't done that in a while because of trying to keep the peace between the families. After talking to my BIL I realized that I give in too easily to other's demands in lieu of my own. My peace-at-any-price attitude is most times the wrong action to take.

So Sunday I woke up did my FB stuff then started the new Sunday ritual of doing something spiritual for an hour. I ended up doing a tarot reading which more or less told me that I was on the right track.

Why is it so hard to do something good for ourselves; yet we are so quick to act for others?

After my reading I got out the decorations and with help from my son and DH we had quite a good time making the house all spooky for All Hallows Eve.

It felt good to do something so ridiculously simple.

I wish you and yours a blessed All Hallows Eve...and if you celebrate...Happy Samhain!

Ruinwen
:)

Time Out

2010-10-21T19:46:00.003-04:00

"There is a harmony
In autumn, and a lustre in its sky,
Which through the summer is not heard or seen,
As if it could not be, as if it had not been!"
- Percy Bysshe Shelley

I don't know where this month went...or this week for that matter.

My son has been working on a project and that has taken most of our free time this week.

I feel so lost. There is a week until Halloween and I have no decorations adorning our house. There is a week until Samhain and I have not written new goals that I wish to achieve in the coming year.

But really is this anything new for me?

I used to be very organized. I used to never miss a full moon or changing of the season without taking some time to celebrate. Now my life is so full of the day-to-day stuff that I feel it is really unbalanced.

I miss the smell of frankincense, myrrh and dragon's blood. Ritual has always been very important to my life. I keep hoping there will be more time for it But let's face it; during the week that just cannot happen.

Time is a commodity that I just don't have during the week. The only way I can squeeze in a little more is to stay up past my 8:00 p.m. bedtime...like I am now.

But then I'm dragging in the morning...and that means I'm pushing myself the whole day...and that is just bad.

I know that I'm not alone. I see those I care about dancing their daily grind until they can hardly keep their eyes open...these stress inducing lives make little time for just being...instead there is always somewhere to be.

I can't do anything about the endless dance that is Monday through Friday. It is what it is. I know that I'm not the only one who leaves their work only to stop here and there before finally making it home. And home does not mean that one can rest...it only means it is time for a new set of goals and rituals...until finally our bodies say, "ENOUGH!" and we drop from exhaustion.

What I am learning is that the weekends can not follow the week's example. There must be times of rest followed by moments of sheer joy. It cannot be all about catching up on everything that one couldn't cram into the week.

What I am finding is that by taking some time for myself I'm not as frazzled. When Monday rolls around I can face it without dread. All the little changes that I've made seem to be working.

I'm finding when it gets to be too much during the week I can take a breath and see beyond it.

I realize that I have not shown much crafting pictures...but I am medias res and will soon hopefully bear some fibery fruit that I can photograph.

I wish everyone a blessed weekend with plenty of spaces in-between everything else to cultivate joy and harmony.

Ruinwen

Starting From Scratch

2010-10-15T06:07:00.000-04:00

To be happy at home is the result of all ambition.

Samuel Johnson

Last week I was sick with a horrible head cold and my husband picked up the slack and helped me do all the things I was too weak to do. This week he is the one who is ailing and I'm doing my best to compensate and help him out.

Relationships are all about give and take and hopefully keeping the balance towards the middle so no one person feels they have to do it all alone.

I've been mentioning how I wanted to rethink the store and I'm happy to say that after a meeting of the three of us I was able to order some new yarn from Knitpicks for each of my items. One of our goals is to make my items cost lower. I'm happy to say that I think we can do this for some of the items...not so sure about the others. But one step at a time.

I've been thinking about the reason I started this store so many years ago...and more then showcasing everyone's individual talent it was about making a better life for me and all involved. But the financial side of it never really came to pass and it would frustrate me...but then I was never really good at the whole math thing.

Even now when I dream of winning a million dollars the first thing I would do is buy my BIL and his kids a house, the second would be to buy a house for a friend of mine who needs it...I'd give to various charities and then hopefully have a third left over to pay off our house and bills...maybe a little would be left over for a vacation.

The point is one of the things that makes me happiest is to know that those I love are happy and safe. So usually any headway we make is countered by our need to give back to those who are less fortunate.

I've tried to be better about it over the years and I make sure money is automatically taken out of my account for me. The say that you should pay yourself first...pay your bills first...take care of your own house first. So I do.

The store is a different matter. It is a big anomalous blob of questions for me. How does one get paid for their time that they put into an object? How can you make things that are cost effective in a rural country market where people don't want to pay more then $5 for anything? What the heck to people actually want when it comes to my products?

I really couldn't answer any of these questions so I just started from scratch. In changing the yarn I need to see how each piece will behave and find out if it will work. Being affordable and nice texture is also very important to me. I will never make something out of a yarn I don't like to help with costs. That is against the fiber of my very being...pun intended.

My sister also put forth that the items I make should not be something that one picks up and says, "Hey I could make this." The better thing to hear is, "Oh, I could make this but it would take so much effort...and this is a really good price for this kind of work."

So, I'm trying to shift to patterns that are of my making and not very common. It gives me great joy when someone tries to figure out what I did to create something. :D I had so many people finger my diagonal crochet blanket and not be able to figure it out...heh it made me feel like I had stumbled on this big secret...which is actually really easy once you know the trick.

So all these ideas are going into my new line of products. And I will spend the Winter trying to make them all work for a decent price with nice yarns.

Every show we have made back our site fee but wouldn't be absolutely wonderful if we could not only pay for our material...but make a little profit? (GASP) I'm getting giddy thinking about it.

I hope everyone has a beautiful Fall weekend!

Ruinwen

Note: A pic of a past diagonal crochet blanket. This one we donated to the Great Dane Rescue Society...but it was a personal favorite because it was alpaca and soft heathered wool.

The Sound of Silence

2010-10-08T06:05:00.001-04:00

"Only when one is connected to one's own core is one connected to others... And, for me, the core, the inner spring, can best be re-found through solitude."

-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This last weekend was Fall Fest and solitude is not the word I would use to describe it. Due to a drain problem the kids area was moved into our craft and food area and there were a cacophony of generators whirring away near us. There was a train "toot tooting" all the live long day that started driving me bonkers about 4:00 pm each day. And there were sweet lovable Great Danes next to us that woofed so low and deep it would startle me from my thoughts.

But somehow within that din of white noise, children, trains and dogs I found the answers I've been seeking in some difficult soul searching questions.

So my silence is not one that is devoid of noise...it is rather a place within the heart beat of life itself. It is in the mighty roar of the ocean that I can truly find peace...or during a thundering rainstorm that my answers come. And since neither of those were handy the Universe threw together a recipe of sound that I could retreat into for a moment in time.

I must say it was a great weekend. The weather held out and it was just cold enough that people needed some knitwear. DH, sis and I had a great time...as always...crafting and talking. We got locked out of our house...but that was okay too because we went out to eat and sat outside in the sunshine and enjoyed the night and really good food. We came away from the Fest with some great ideas and hopefully they will bear fruit.

I've recommitted myself to our store. I have a mission before next show to really streamline some ideas and to create some new options. As a family, we are going to have meetings once a month and see where everyone is and use them for crafting days where we catch up on stock. My personal goal is to create one item per week.

I think if we really committed ourselves...we could do really well with the store. The thing is we want to keep the balance we have now of friends and family. We spend so much time during the week on homework or just fighting to keep up with the daily stuff; that the weekends are really precious to us. We don't want to lose that down time because it is so necessary to us and our sanity.

My sister made me a little sanity bag that I love. It has a pinch of all kinds of good things in it and life is really like that. You don't need a lot...but you do need a bit of each of them to stay sane...love...kindness...compassion...fun....happiness...family...friends...in our case gaming...a little spice to change things up or to accent what you have...and voila...my sanity in a nutshell.

Hugs to all of you!

Happy crafting,

Ruinwen

One of Those Days

2010-09-29T07:59:00.007-04:00

"The responsibility for both present and future is in our own hands. If we live right today, then tomorrow has to be right."
Eknath Easwaran

I'm having one of those incredibly bad days where from the moment you wake up everything feels off. I keep trying to say things and it is like I have to recall the stuff from my brain to be able to form thoughts. I keep doing things wrong and then have to redo them...usually more then once. I feel like I'm in this fog and can't focus enough to get out. It is very frustrating.

It is easy on days like today to cry, "woe is me" and just give up to the despair that seems right around the corner. But I won't. I can't let that feeling of hopelessness take hold again in my life.

So I take a moment to breathe and look at the trees turning outside the window. I take a minute to count my blessings and that turns into quite a long contemplation. The "fog" is still with me but the negative feelings have passed.

As Hannah Montana sings,

Everybody makes mistakes

Everybody has those days
Everybody knows what, what? I'm talkin? 'bout
Everybody gets that way

A simple song with a powerful message because somewhere across the globe or down the street someone else's day has started off on the wrong foot and they are feeling just like me. I send them some love and light and ask the Goddess to send them a messenger of hope so they won't become lost in a moment of confusion and doubt.

It's so much easier to let the negative feelings swallow you alive then to fight them. And sometimes you get so tired arguing with your inner being that it just seems easier to just give in.

But that is not me...and not today.

I did an entire chakra reboot using the Reiki symbol for past life regression. It can change the way the events effected you at the time...so in essence you can change the past.

Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view.

Obi-Wan, Star Wars

History is written by the conquers...and that doesn't necessarily mean that is the truth. Why then can't we "rewrite" the way that events shaped our lives? If our truth is based upon our point of view, then what if our view was to shift 180 degrees?

A king has the blind men of the capital brought to the palace, where an elephant is brought in and they are asked to describe it.

"When the blind men had each felt a part of the elephant, the king went to each of them and said to each: 'Well, blind man, have you seen the elephant? Tell me, what sort of thing is an elephant?"

The men assert the elephant is either like a pot (the blind man who felt the elephants' head), a winnowing basket (ear), a plowshare (tusk), a plow (trunk), a granary (body), a pillar (foot), a mortar (back), a pestle (tail) or a brush (tip of the tail).

The men cannot agree with one another and come to blows over the question of what it is like and their dispute delights the king. The Buddha ends the story by comparing the six blind men to preachers and scholars who are blind and ignorant and hold to their own views: "Just so are these preachers and scholars holding various views blind and unseeing.... In their ignorance they are by nature quarrelsome, wrangling, and disputatious, each maintaining reality is thus and thus."

The Buddha then speaks the following verse:

O how they cling and wrangle, some who claim

For preacher and monk the honored name!

For, quarreling, each to his view they cling.

Such folk see only one side of a thing.

So in this vein of thought I have been taking my past and turning it this way and that and looking at if from a different view. I've found that most of my thinking around certain events is indeed "one-sided". With that insight I am able to go back and look at things from outside myself and see them in a different light.

It is a slow process wrought with emotion and sometimes the feelings rise up to choke me...but I push them back down into the past and remind myself that these are the shadows of things that have been. They can not hold me in the present unless I let them.

Last Saturday was another of those days where nothing was working. I was trying to bead a leaf and failing at every turn. But after four hours I finally had something I was happy with. I've written down the pattern so I can do it again. I'm glad I kept up with it and didn't give up when I really, really wanted to.

I'm still plugging away on the blanket. I'm on my 4th color now. It is mindless zen kind of knitting that can be done anywhere. It is nice to have a project like that once and a while. It is nice not to think of counting or charting for this project. I think my mind needed the break.

I hope you all enjoy the first weekend of October.

Bright blessings and happy crafting,

Ruinwen

I Welcome In The Fall

2010-09-24T06:20:00.001-04:00

Happy Autumnal Equinox...Happy Mabon...Happy Second Harvest!

Normally at this time of year I feel defeated on one hand by all I didn't get done over the Summer and giddy on the other at all the blessings I have in my life.

I think I will skip the defeated emotions and move on to the giddy.

I am surrounded by wonderful people. I am blessed to know so many beautiful souls...some only through words and pictures on a screen...but all of them enrich my life in so many ways.

My home, though over-crowded at times, is so beautiful now with her coat of paint and accessories to match. I feel this great sense of peace surrounded by all that purple. lol

I took a hiatus from my projects this summer and worked on charity blankets and then stuff for Mom. I did at least a row every day even during the hottest... driest summer ever...and got quite a lot done.

I got to watch my little boy start taking on more responsibility and become eager to be more. We took time to play since our time is limited by academics during the school year...and as a family we had a lot of fun.

DH as always is my rock. He always takes on life's challenges with enthusiasm and gusto. It was wonderful having so much time with him and watch him really enjoy making the miters for our baseboard...ya know men and power-tools. lol

It really was a wonderfully productive and fun summer. :)

But now it is Fall. And Fall to me is all about vivid hues...tantalizing tastes...and magic.

Every year the squirrels leave me a perfect acorn that I keep on the altar until the next year to remind me that even the mighty oak starts as a small acorn. Everything for that oak to be is in that little acorn. Just like in all of us is great potential to be so much more if we choose.

Squirrels also teach us to gather up tools and supplies for the cold days ahead. So it is time for me to decide what things I want to work on this Winter.

When I finish this lapghan for Mom I want to get back to Dianna. And I already have the yarn for that project...so I'm good to go.

I figure there is no sense in making this huge list. I started the Summer vowing to work on WIPs...and I got quite a few done...and then things changed and I worked on other projects. I think it is better to give myself the whole Winter to finish one thing then make a long list.

And right now at the start of Fall; I'm not exactly sure where I want my path to go in the season of ice and dare I even say it...snow. So I'm going to meditate on what I need to squirrel away for the cold's Winter's days.

This weekend I made this awesome simple dish which you could change up anyway you want.

Take a piece of sausage for each person - we used Bratwursts...they were not overpowering yet had a nice flavor. Take an apple for each person - We used red delicious...which I do not recommend...we are going to try it again with a granny smith...I think that will be much better.

1 tbs thyme

1 tsp pepper to taste

2 tbs real maple syrup

1/2 cup rice per person - but it could be any grain like quinoa or bulgar

Cook the sausage...and make rice.

Take the apples and de-core them. DH wants to try them without skin this time but it is up to you if you skin them...and cut them into bite sized pieces.

If you want use the pan you cooked the sausage in after pouring off the oil...or use a tbs of olive oil in a new pan.

Put in the apples, thyme and pepper. Let the apples cook for five minutes then drizzle in the maple syrup.

Let that cook until the apples are tender. Keep stirring because that sugar will burn if left unattended.

When the apples are cooked. Add the sausage and rice and stir to coat. Let the whole thing meld for another five minutes and serve. Enjoy!

I've really been trying to make one thing a weekend from scratch. I love to cook. My parents always made food into a celebration and I enjoy a good meal that has a lot of parts and dances on your tongue.

Here is the recipe I made for our knitting group. I love mushrooms and this came out delish.

Mushrooms stuffed with Sage Pesto

1 - Cup fresh sage leaves
1 - Cup fresh parsley leaves
4 - Cloves garlic
1/3 - Cup, plus 2 teaspoons freshly grated Parmesan cheese
1 - Teaspoon salt
1/2 - Cup olive oil
1 - Cup walnuts
1 - Cup browned bread crumbs
Fresh ground pepper to taste
Twenty 2 1/2 inch mushrooms, cleaned and stemmed

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F

Put the sage, parsley, garlic, 1/3 cup of the cheese and salt in the bowl of a food processor, and pulse until combined. Gradually add the oil. Finally, add the walnuts and pulse until they are minced.

While you are pulsing the sage pesto brown the crumbs. This will take a long time and you cannot stop stirring them for long. If you want to add a bit of butter to help them brown; add it first and let it melt to liquid then add the crumbs stirring to coat as many as possible. You want them a deep brown. Take them out of the pan as soon as they are done so they can start cooling.

Transfer the pesto mixture to a bowl and stir in the bread crumbs. Season with pepper and check the salt. The filling should be quite pungent as the mushrooms will absorb a lot of flavor. If the mixture is dry and crumbly, add a little water.

Brush the pan with oil and the top of each mushroom around the cap with oil.

Fill the mushrooms caps with the sage pesto and sprinkle with the remaining Parmesan. Arrange the mushroom caps on a baking sheet and place in the oven for 15 minutes. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Note: If you have leftover filling you can use it to crust chicken, fish or steak. We tried it with chicken and it was delish.

Now I'm hungry. lol

Have a beautiful weekend blessed by the spirit of harvest and thanksgiving.

Ruinwen

Authentic Success

2010-09-17T06:21:00.002-04:00

“No set goal achieved satisfies. Success only breeds a new goal. The golden apple devoured has seeds. It is endless.”

--Bette Davis

Taken from Simple Abundance - A Daybook of Comfort and Joy; by Sarah Ban Breathnach

Authentic success is having time enough to pursue personal pursuits that bring you pleasure, time enough to make the loving gestures for your family you long to do, time enough to care for your home, tend your garden, nurture your soul. Authentic success is never having to tell yourself or those you love "maybe next year." Authentic success is knowing that if today were your last day of earth, you could leave without regret. Authentic success is feeling focused and serene when you work, not fragmented. It's knowing that you've done the best that you possibly can, no matter what circumstances you faced; it's knowing in your soul that the best you can do is all you can do, and that the best you can do is always enough.

Authentic success is accepting your limitations, making peace with your past, and reveling in your passions so that your future may unfold according to a Divine Plan. It's discovering and calling forth your gifts and offering them to the world to help heal its ravaged heart. It's making a difference in other lives and believing that if you can do that for just one person each day, through a smile, a shared laugh, a caress, a kind word, or a helping hand, blessed are you among women.

Authentic success is not just money in the bank but a contented heart and peace of mind. Its earning what you feel you deserve for the work you do and knowing that you're worth it. Authentic success is paying your bills with ease,taking care of all your needs and the needs of those you love, indulging wants, and having enough left over to save and share. Authentic success is not about accumulating but letting go, because all you have is all you truly need. Authentic success is feeling good about who you are ,appreciating where you've been, celebrating your achievements, and honoring the point where being is as important as doing. It's the steady pursuit of a dream. It's realizing that no matter how much time it takes for a dream to come true in the physical world, no day is ever wasted. It's valuing inner, as well as outer, labor - both your won and others'. It's elevating labor to a craft and craft to an art by bestowing Love on ever task you undertake.

Authentic success is knowing how simply abundant your live is exactly as it is today. Authentic success is being so grateful for the many blessings bestowed on you and yours that you can share your portion with others.

Authentic success is living each day with a heart overflowing.

As I read this I realize that it sounds like something I would write...like something that I already believe...that I try to embody every day.

__________________________________________________________________
Right now I'm working on a lapghan for Mom. Hers is old and fraying. I'm making it out of Vanna in green hues. Nothing fancy or she won't use it. Garter on the edges and stockinette in between. I did slip the first stitch of the row so there is a lovely little border edge...hope that doesn't equate to fancy in her book. lol

So one of the things I always dread is buying clothes that are the wrong size. The last few years I bought mediums thinking they would fit and then I'd be shattered when they didn't. I'm happy to say I bought two tops that fit great and even might be a little roomy. *happy dance*

Another thing that brings me great joy is my Roomba. That little technological cleaning marvel is a treasure. When I hear it running I know that it is saving me hours of vacuuming...and that is no small thing.

________________________________________________________________

Mom update: Her surgery went well. She thanks everyone for their prayers and well wishes. She will have a catheter for a month but that has actually made her happier. I'm really hoping that her appetite comes back as well. Thanks again for all your wonderful vibes...I believe they help immensely!

_________________________________________________________________

So all in all...my life is a success. I am blessed in so many ways...and that is my greatest truth.

Have a beautiful weekend,

Ruinwen

Note: Notice my new avatar...isn't she absolutely beautiful!?! She was penned and inked by the talented Lock-of-Hyrule. I am so blessed to be surrounded by amazing talented people. I am so in love with my new Fey lass. And she looks a lot like me when I was younger and had red hair down to my butt...minus the big red shroom on my head! lol

Fear of Success

2010-09-10T06:20:00.001-04:00

"The world would have you agree with its dismal dream of limitation. But the light would have you soar like the eagle of your sacred visions."

-- Alan Cohen

Here is the new prayer shawl. I think it came out nicely. Mom seems to like it.

She is having surgery today. Thank you everyone for your prayers and good thoughts; I know they make such a big difference!

This week I have felt…slightly off. I don’t know it if is because the sun no longer wakes me up in the morning…or if that day off really confused my inner clock…but I feel very scattered this week.

I watch all these people that surround me who are successful and run businesses and I wonder, “Why can’t I do that?” I have the foundation…but lack the energy to actually get somewhere. Our Esty page sadly never got up this year…and that is a shame since we have so many wonderful things in stock.

Fall Fest is around the corner and I’ve done nothing for it but order new receipt books with our name on them. Whoo hoo! I feel like a total and utter failure sometimes. The Goddess gives me all these talents to try and change our lives and I just shuffle my feet.

After every Fair we always have all these splendid ideas and most of them never come to pass.

DH and I have this precarious balance of not doing too much to threaten what we have and not doing too little that we don’t have stock for the Fairs. I think this mentality hurts us at least in our business…we never risk.

We don’t do this to have a second income though one day we would like to be in a place where this could happen. DH has always been afraid of becoming too successful and not having enough stock. He never wants our demand to outweigh our ability to create.

So where does that leave us?

I asked the Goddess what my next step should be. If maybe I’m just being impatient for no reason. Maybe…just maybe I’m right where I should be and when the time is right then everything will fall into place.

The Goddess answered in that beautiful voice of love and compassion that has gotten me through so much this year, “Socks. Start with socks and all the rest will follow.”

…okay.

…socks it is then. :D

Have a wonderful weekend.

Ruinwen

Goals

2010-09-03T06:20:00.003-04:00

"Man is made or unmade by himself. In the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace."
-- James Allen

It is September and I'm trying not to be discouraged by what I didn't accomplish this year. I didn't really write down any concrete goals for this year except the ones that I made last Samhain.

Create one thing that is mine.
Motivate my body to a healthy weight.
Flow serenity into all aspects of my being.
Nurture my physical body.
Illumine my soul through happiness.

The "create one thing that is mine" goal is hard to define. I thought it would be a pattern or something I worked months on to bring into being; but I was wrong. My soul had this idea for years now that our cats should have a place to rest and be honored and this Summer we brought that into being as you saw in a past post. This little kitty nook gives me great joy every day as I pass through it's gates and it truly blesses our house with those feline friends whose friendships we will love and cherish for eternity.

The second goal I accomplished early in the Summer and have managed to find a groove that has made it pretty effortless to stay at goal weight.

Serenity is a hard mistress to come by but I strive to find her each day if only for five minutes. I have been doing a morning and night meditation to at least begin and end the day on a note of contemplation and reflection. So I at least feel that I have made great strives in working towards this goal.

Okay this goal has been hard. Over this last year I've become lactose intolerant and it has done all sorts of funky stuff to me that has really been quite depressing. But over the Summer DH has been really helping me through it by buying products that are lactose free and quite delish. So at least I've been learning to not look at it like a bad thing...which for an Italian who lived and breathed cheese it is quite an adjustment.

I must say I am happy. I am blessed. Yes, there is chaos around me and things I cannot control and the outcomes of these things...leaves me troubled and upset...but at my core I am joyful...and very happy.

So as these goals go...I think I did really well.

I've changed the way I look at my goals. Every day I pick three things to accomplish and if it is not on my list of three things I do not allow myself to be upset by not completing it.

This was a hard mindset to come by and I still struggle with all the things on the sidelines that are being ignored; but on the whole this process works pretty well for me.

In that vein...one of my ongoing goals has been to remake this prayer shawl. This time I used Encore colorspun. I like this yarn. It has good stitch definition and is squishy with a nice drape. I ended up using the same pattern because I really liked it.

My son also picked out a bunch of shades of green for a new lap robe for Mom. I will start on that next when the shawl is done.

Usually I had three projects on the needles at a time but I've been focusing on one at a time realizing that splitting my focus only hurt me in the long run. One project always got pushed to the back of the queue and I ended up neglecting it.

I can tell you that my tank went everywhere with me all Summer and I never even took it out until the last week when I decided I was going to finish it.

So I've tried to really understand the ways I do things this Summer and recreate my goals around this new knowledge.

I wanted to share these awesome earrings that a friend made for me. I love them! Look at how beautiful her wire work is! And she sent me a knitting journal too! Such wonderful treasures! I have already worn the earrings and gotten lots of compliments! And the knitting book is the perfect place to tuck away ideas for later projects...all kept safe in one place. Thanks again! :)

I'm looking forward to the three-day-weekend to just chill. I have simple goals that can be achieved while watching movies or playing games and my son has asked to do both. I just want to finish this prayer shawl to gift on Monday to Mom when we bring them some yummy food, wash everything (including beds and towels) and make something with Italian sausage.

I should be able to do that. :D

May you all have a blessed and safe weekend,

Ruinwen

The Voice of Spirit

2010-08-27T06:20:00.001-04:00

You know I’m always making prayer shawls for people and I put all kinds of good energy into them and the one I made for my Mom last week was no exception. Ive always seen them as a buffer or shield that either protects the wearer from further suffering or as a blanket of love and prayers that fills the person with happiness and hope each time they wear it.

Last Friday Mom was rushed to the ER and while I know it was scary and horrible for her...for Dad, DH and I it was like a 70’s sitcom.

We picked up Dad from AL and raced to the ER.
At the ER we were given passes to go see Mom.
We got to Mom’s room and she was not there.
An ER nurse told us that she had just left on transport.
We rushed back to AL.
Transport was still in the drop off zone when we returned.
Mom was being tucked into the bed by the time we got to her room.
So we let Mom rest and took Dad out for sushi.

What does this have to do with prayer shawls? On Sunday my sister presented me with this.

Apparently Mom’s shawl took the hit of her ER visit. Dad was hoping that I could just rip it out and re-knit it. But I think that this yarn has given it’s all to Mom and it should just be laid to rest. As tragic as that is…that was its purpose. And to fulfill your intention is a noble thing.

I asked her if she wanted a triangle or rectangle shawl this time and as with most things…she didn’t know. So I’m going to pray on it a bit and see what happens. While I loved the pattern I just used…I’m open to another.

In truth; I’ve been very open to the voice of spirit and now I don’t feel so scattered.

I had this great meditation Monday night about my goals and what path I should be following.

When I started this summer I had so many ideas and goals that I wanted to accomplish and very few of them got done. It is like my son. He had the e-n-t-i-r-e summer to put away the papers in his backpack from the last day of school and he never did it.

Spirit told me that I just needed to accept that the things that were worked on this summer were what was supposed to be and to leave it at that. Then Spirit asked me the things that didn't get done...what was stopping me?

...and those excuses that I'd been making to myself...I just couldn't say them to Spirit ya'know? But at the same time I could see the other things that got done...like all the work on the house.

Then Spirit hugged me and told me that the things that were connected to time had been done. That many times my heart gets way ahead of my mind and starts things before they are ready. Like the tarot card of the man pulling on the shoots to get them to grow faster.

All these goals are good for their time and place in my life but they cannot be accomplished all at once.

So here is my tank. It actually turned out really well. Sorry for the hurried photo but it was a hot day and I needed a shower so I didn't want to get it all sweaty. TMI I know. My boy took all the photos again and I think he is doing a great job. Anyway...I loved this project! It was fun and I even enjoyed the seaming on the sides. I added trim on the arm-holes because it looked wonky without them.

I wish you all a nice weekend.

Ruinwen

Co-creating

2010-08-20T06:20:00.003-04:00

While working on this prayer shawl I feel very centered and balanced in my own life process. And I realize for the first time what has been missing from my knitting for a while now.

I've been so focused on not buying new yarn and using stash and not starting patters before finishing what I've begun...that I've lost sight of the "spirit" of my crafting.

It seems like forever since I've begun a pattern with the help of my Patron Goddess, Bridget...or the elements or...really any of my guides or teachers.

It has been a while now since I really could immerse myself into my crafting like I was able to do for this prayer shawl. It is a good feeling.

I love the way this prayer shawl turned out. I really enjoyed everything about it from the soft fiber to the pattern itself. The edging was sheer genius and I love that I learned something new and fun that I can use over and over again.

I think Mom liked it too. Hard to tell these days.

Update on her condition: They didn't want to do radiation therapy. The second Doctor that they saw said that the tumor is as big as a golf ball and it would be better to operate. He is hoping to get it all in one fell swoop and then not have to do any radiation or chemo afterwards.

When I talked to her on Friday she was "Mom" for our conversation. There was no confusion, no doubt...I wanted to stay on the phone forever just to talk to her about anything so I could keep the Mother I used to know. But that was just a little gift...as my sister said...a little of her soul shining through the chaos that surrounds her mental facade.

I was talking to my friend on Friday night about it and she said that everyone goes through periods where their soul is eclipsed by their outer shadows. She went on to say, "Look at you for instance. In trying to keep sane you've become so regimented that you lack spontaneity."

And it is true. I'm afraid to color outside the lines of my existence for the same reason that I game. I need the structure of some things so that I can deal with all the things I cannot control that surround me.

I used to do things so differently and I think that "time" cannot be an excuse anymore. I used to start the day off with a daily meditation. Not something really long...just something to ponder on and think about during the day and it was a nice way to begin.

I started doing that again this week and I think it makes a big difference in the way I approach everything.

It is just a little change...but it is really all the little things that make up the glittery whole. And the little things are much easier to change then the unmovable mountains that I'm struggling with.

So I'm not going to be so rigid in the future or hard on myself to finish all these WIPs or ideas...or whatever else I've promised myself. I'm going to take time each day to listen to the voice of Spirit. I'm not going to plan out my next project before I finish the one I am working on. I'm going to try to start living in the moment and enjoying it to the fullest instead of dwelling on the past or looking towards the future.

I'm working on the Basic Tank Top and I'm finding it very enjoyable. I'm making it out of Malabrigo Silky Merino in Nocturnal #472. I love Malabrigo and it is so soft and the colors are so vibrant. This colorway has a spectrum of purples from the shyest violet to the deepest plum and I just adore the way it is making up.

This tank is simple yet...it has some design details that are really beautiful. I would recommend this pattern for anyone looking for a fitted design that is not too difficult with a little flair thrown in.

I'm trying to do it right...I did a gauge swatch before starting...I've been measuring it up against a tank that I wear and love and adjusting everything. I'm almost done but I want to take the time to block the pieces after the shoulder straps are done. I'm going to try mattress stitching for the first time and I'm a little excited. Usually I hate to seam pieces but I think it will be fun to "color outside the lines" a bit with this pattern.

I hope you have a beautiful weekend.

*hugs*

Ruinwen

The Soul of the Matter

2010-08-13T06:16:00.004-04:00

“My soul is the bridge between spirit and body and, as such, is a uniter of opposites. ...Without soul at center, I would either transcend into spirit or become mired in matter.”
--Marion Woodman

I’ve been thinking about soul and what I believe these last few days. Are we a body with a soul or a soul with a body? Do I believe that there is this other realm where we all go? Do I believe that we reincarnate?

All good questions.

My name means “Reaper”. I’ve always wondered if I’m supposed to harvest stuff or tend souls.

The Sanskrit greeting “Namaste” means,"The God/Goddess in me greets the God/Goddess in you."

I’ve always liked that.

If you asked me when I was 21 I could have told you without a shadow of a doubt what I believed and why. Even now I can argue pretty convincingly about most of these issues.

For instance; when I was learning to knit I just didn’t get purling. I tried for hours and for whatever reason I couldn’t “see” what I supposed to do. I closed my eyes and prayed to DH’s “Gammy” who had recently passed and asked her to help me. With my closed eyes my fingers moved as if someone had lovingly moved them and I made my first purl stitch ever. And when I opened my eyes I suddenly knew how to make the stitch…like I’d been doing it for years.

I know that Gammy helped me. I could feel her love and support blanket around me and fill me to overflowing.

I’d be lying if I said that was a strange experience for me. I talk to the spirits of my ancestors all the time and they’ve answered me in different ways over the years.

I want to believe that the soul lives on…and maybe some of the things that fill us with such joy live on in that soul.

My beloved Mother had a remission to her cancer and this time it is inoperable. She is receiving radiation treatments today…her birthday…my parent’s anniversary. Please send prayers or good thoughts her way today.

I can’t even begin to think of a world that doesn’t have my Mother in it. In many ways she has left us already and that is hard enough.

My Mother was a brilliant person before the dementia set in. As a mathematician of great proportions she would add columns of numbers upside down. She could size and design clothes and sewed many beautiful things for us. I have saved two of her dresses she made me because I couldn’t part with them…one I was married in. She loved crossword puzzles and did them daily…she was always so proud that she could complete them…like there was any doubt?

She was an amazing cook. Her dinners were better then restaurant food. There are still dishes that she made that I just can’t get out because it won’t be the same or anywhere near as good as hers. I’m happy she gave me all the recipes over the years so I can make these dishes that are close to my heart. In the margins are all her little notes making the collection even more precious to me.

Every morning Mom would write me a note. I never tired of them and saved them all. She was always doing little things to make me happy. She liked to be involved in my life and I always told her everything no matter how weird or revealing. It is one of the things I miss the most…just opening up and talking to her.

I was happy that she had time with my son when he was really little. There was a bit of time that they helped me take care of him and I think it really helped them to bond. Yesterday when my little boy was editing his stop motion movie (more on that later), I was reading e-mail and mentioned that his Aunt had suggested making a prayer shawl.

He stopped what he was doing and said, “Let’s pick out some yarn that is soft that Grandma will like. This is much more important then my editing because it is for Grandma.” He ran off and rummaged through my stash as I held back the tears because he is such a rich and beautiful soul.

Now I know why Mom was crying when she found the burnt paper heart between the plates she was heating in the oven that said, “I love you.”

When I asked her why she was crying she answered me, “You’ll know when you have kids of your own.”

I know that Mom can’t remember these things…even when I remind her. I just hope she knows how much I love her…and always will.

Happy Birthday Mom!
Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad!

Have a nice weekend,

Ruinwen

Note: The prayer shawl is made out of King Cole Smooth DK...one of my favorite acrylic yarns. I used navy so far; but I plan on using at least two other colors. The pattern is from my friend's post. I was inspired by the beauty of this shawl when I saw it on her. *hugs*

This is my son's debut as my blog photographer. He took the shawl photo. I think he did a great job! :)

The Game is Afoot

2010-08-06T06:40:00.003-04:00

Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will set down quietly, may alight upon you.

–Nathaniel Hawthorne

I know that happiness is just a state of mind. That it is one of those things that is as elusive as the wind. There are rules surrounding it that make no sense to someone who is seeking it. And to find it you have to realize that you never lost it in the first place.

It can exist in din and squalor as well as magnificence and splendor.

For it is not what surrounds us but what lies within that creates happiness.

I have always wondered how I can be happy and terribly depressed at the same time. I can find joy in the silliest things and I love my life. I may have trouble with the chaos surrounding it; but at my heart I am very happy.

I am truly blessed in so many ways and I know it. I thank the God and Goddess every day for all the wondrous people, moments and things in my life.

I’ve been meditating and trying to work through these conflicting feelings and then I realized that life is all about opposites and finding the harmony between them.

For instance I practice the art of “financial serenity”. This does not mean that I do not have bills; but rather that I don’t buy something without knowing I have the money to pay for it. Of course there are always emergencies and in those times I just pull the “belt” in a little tighter on my money for a while as things balance out.

I’ve been working on harmonizing my emotions this summer and it has been really hard since part of me is a volcano ready to erupt and part of me kisses and kindness.

My sister said something to me which I will misquote but it went something like this, “Don’t let the world judge you by the things that make you happy. Just because you like games doesn’t make their impact in your life “stupid” or “silly”. Everyone has things that they do that bring them happiness…be it stamp collecting or fishing or gaming.”

And those words of hers have been bouncing around in my head. People who know me understand that I game. Playing a game for a few hours every day may seem like a waste to some; but to me it makes all the other stuff that I have trouble tolerating…bearable.

Does this mean that my family starves or things that are necessary don’t get done? No. Do I shut out my nearest and dearest to game? No.

You know when couples talk about their “Golden Years” there are rockers and sunsets…DH and I talk about gaming systems, surround sound and plasma screens. Gaming is something we do individually and as a family. And it is something that brings us all great joy.

I’m tired of feeling like it is a “dirty little secret” that I have. I’m tired of feeling like I should be ashamed or that I am wasting my time.

I am a gamer. I love my games. I love cool graphics. I love the puzzles in Zelda. I love creating an egg in Pokemon that has kick attacks and then watching her/him fight all the way to the Elite Four. I love building towers and figuring out what pattern will take out the aliens. I love creating and growing my Farm and Frontier. I love that moment when you’ve tried something for two weeks straight and everything just “clicks” and you ace the level. It is like gaming Zen.

This doesn’t mean that this will turn into a gaming blog. I may share primo moments here and there…but more this was about me accepting another part of who I am.

With the humidity so high I can’t really knit. The yarn feels funny and sticks on my needles. So I haven’t picked up my sticks in weeks and I miss it.

The orange essence is doing the trick. It is nudging me here and there to make sense of everything and my place in it. I feel much more centered again and the chaos is pushed outside of me once more.

I’m looking forward to a fun weekend full of family and friends. I’m going to learn to pick crabs tomorrow and I’m so excited!

Have a blessed weekend!

Ruinwen

Sorry if the whole mind-map thing is messy and blurry. I find they really help me focus on stuff when I'm lost. hugs

Happiness...

2010-07-30T09:20:00.003-04:00

I had a quote but I lost it somewhere...so here is one that I heard somewhere....happiness is what you make it.

I have this nagging feeling when I enter the Assisted Living and put on my "happy" face. You know the face that smiles and is patient and kind no matter how much I might be screaming inside because my parents don't deserve that.

They are beautiful people and I always try to treat them with love and understanding.

*insert light bulb here"

Wouldn't it be amazing if I could do that with my life everyday? If I could take all these crazy feelings and just turn them around because I am just as deserving as my parent to be treated with kindness and respect?

It is easy to see a solution but some times it is elusive as a mountain in the distance. So using my gaming strategy that worked so well for my weight loss and financial serenity I knew that I needed a little help here and went to my guides and teachers who pointed me to the next essence up from cherry blossom.

*insert music of goal being achieved as magic potion is obtained to refill happiness meter*

It should be no surprise that this new essence is orange. I am deathly allergic to citric acid and oranges are something I have to avoid. So if I needed the energy of this fruit...I cannot get it except through the essence of it's flower which, has no citric acid...or maybe in honey from the orange blossoms.

I am hoping this essence will allow me to override my personal depression and allow joy and happiness to flow through my life again.

I am so blessed...I know that. But right now no matter what I do I just feel totally...at odds with my environment and my place in it. If I can't change what is around me then I have to try to change what lies within.

Bright blessings to you all,

Have a beautiful weekend!

Ruinwen

The Big Dogs

2010-07-23T08:29:00.002-04:00

"Most people are so busy knocking themselves out trying to do everything they think they should do, they never get around to do what they want to do."
-- Kathleen Winsor

Yeah, well I have nothing really to say this week. But I haven’t missed a Friday post for the whole year and I don’t want to start now.

So this is how I feel...but I'm not going to let the "big dogs" get me down.

*hugs*

Ruinwen

No Sense of Direction

2010-07-16T06:40:00.000-04:00

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright

LINKIN PARK, "Breaking The Habit"

This week I don’t have much positive stuff to say. I don’t want to BMC all over the blog again even though you all are understanding, wonderful and kind. I’ve kinda been withdrawing into myself and I know I’ve missed a bunch of stuff. Sorry about that.

I’m way behind on most of my goals but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I keep working on my tank on Fridays at meet up and that has to suffice for now.

I wanted to write this inspirational cat post. As you can see from the above picture, our cat corner is finally complete. I’m really happy with it. I’ve honored both my beloved boys. It makes me happy to have them together again since they loved each other so much.

Every weekend we get a little more done. We keep trading solutions to make a little more room here and there. I give away what I can. It is hard to fit two families under one roof but we are doing the best we can.

I’m trying to work on my peace-at-any-price nature which is happy to make sure others are content while making me miserable.

What makes one person be able to take insults and brings another to tears? What allows one person to love themselves while another only sees their faults?

Why is one person born with a perception filter that allows them to see the world as they choose and not as it truly is?

I want to change.

It was easy to diet. I say “easy” because there were rules and I followed them and got results. I played it like a game and won.

But these emotions that I’m wrestling with have no “rules”. There is no way to plan or work with them. They explode through me whether I’m ready for them or not. I’m afraid to harden myself though. I don’t want to lose myself while looking for answers.

And I’m afraid that it isn’t something that can be changed without giving away a part of me that is my core.

I’m an empath. I feel. That is what I do…it is at the core of who I am. It helps me to be a healer. Tuning into people’s emotions helps me to be a better friend to those I care about.

The problem is when those feelings are turned inward then everything is so intense and seems bigger then it really is…they take on a life of their own. The line between reality and emotion becomes blurred.

…and I become lost. Like I am now.

So this weekend while we are cleaning the garage I hope to do some inner work too…because right now I’m a mess.

*hugs to you all*

Ruinwen

Spirit Rain

2010-07-09T06:20:00.003-04:00

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

-- Dr. Seuss (via Elena)

Right now the East coast is suffering from an onslaught of unusual heat. Our grass is brown, dry and brittle and our gardens are just managing to hang on. I have no A/C in the car right now and after riding around in my little oven-mobile I feel drained.

DH thrives in high heat…I don’t. I start to droop like a flower deprived of cool refreshing water.

My spirit is the same way; if I don’t nourish it then I feel this heaviness in my center that pulls me down.

I strive to live a spiritual life as much as I can. I hold fast to my beliefs and they are a strong part of who I am.

But lately I feel like our landscape...arid with little growth. The heat has really been dragging me down just like the blizzard did last winter. I don't do well with extremes of nature; yet I live in a constant state of all or nothing.

My friends and family know to step back when I get an idea. They watch as it consumes me and wait for the flames to die down to see what actually becomes of it. It isn't my intention to get so flared up about something and then set it aside for the next big idea.

I'm so bad with the follow through...and yet I muddle through and do the things that I'm supposed to do.

I reached my final weight goal. That last pound was just beyond my reach for so long yet I kept the faith. I never gained...I kept working out...I kept eating in my points and here I am at the end of of a journey that is only the beginning of my relationship with food and my body.

I amaze myself that I can stick to a life change like this and not be focused enough to make a phone call. I put off thing for what seems like f-o-r-e-v-e-r...and yet when I finally get to them...*poof* they seem to be accomplished so quickly I have to chide myself for waiting so long.

Speaking of waiting...after the paint and the living room overhaul...I've been waiting for the shelving to be in place so we can finally hang the family pictures. We've designed the room to have an element of the Bagua in each corner or wall. And it feels lopsided right now.

Kinda like me.

Just between you me and the fence post...I have this yearning that I've had before to learn Tai Chi. After seeing the Avatar the Last Airbender...it got stronger. I'm in that place where I'm not good enough to be taught in a class because...I look like an uncoordinated octopus *bows head - with apologies to all bright and graceful octopuses everywhere*. I'm quite frankly afraid to be laughed at when I'm home as well (but not by my immediate family). *sigh*

But I have to start somewhere.

I feel so strongly about this. But is this just another thing that I throw myself into and then it fizzles out? I don't know. But I bought two DVD's for busy people and I'm going to see if this meditative movement makes a difference to my energy level.

There is this wonderful feeling I get when I'm connected to Spirit through my body/mind/and spirit and the chi, prana...whatever you call it is flowing. My fingers tingle with the energy and my every worry goes out of my head. I become so focused in the now and all the rest falls away. My breath becomes my mantra until my whole body begins to pulse. At this point I start to sway and this is when I can talk with Spirit.

This is how I've always envisioned doing Tai Chi. It seems like a flowing meditation where each movement is all that exists. It is a beautiful testament to the body/mind/spirit connection that each of us has.

When I do Yoga I get the same feeling.

My problem is getting around my current constraints. My biggest hurdle is to ignore what people say. If I believe in something then that should be enough.

But most times I am easily swayed by an unkind word or a snicker. I am blessed that I have friends and family who support me on each of these strange journeys I undertake.

I'm sorry my readers if this post of mine is disjointed...but it follows my state of mind right now.

I didn't knit a stitch yet this week. Thank goodness for meet-upon Friday or I would never get anything done.

Shade and sweet water,

Ruinwen

One Thing Done

2010-07-02T06:57:00.001-04:00

Community Lapghan, originally uploaded by Ruinwen.

I want to say that I completed each and every of my goals but that would be a lie. I think I always set goals too high and try to do too much *okay who is snickering?* :)

What I will say is that while reentry into the work week has not been easy I have managed better then before. While my staycay was actually more exertion then play; I felt rested for the first time in a long time. I was able to help put a big smile on my DH’s face and that makes me really happy.

While I ate things out of the norm for me I didn’t overdo and I didn’t gain an ounce either. I think I’m more fit now then when I started my vacation…all that lifting and moving.

As you can see I did get the blanket finished and I’m really happy with the way it turned out. I want to say that I was so good and picked up one of my WIPs and started it, but again that would be a bold faced lie.

My friend and I went up to the Mannings in PA and I bought beautiful Malabrigo Silky Merino in Nocturnal. I needed to touch something wonderful for a while and we each promised the other we’d make one project from our trip. I picked a nice little tank top which I am almost half way done with. Sorry no pictures my photographer is having reentry issues also.

Next week hopefully everything will be back to normal.

I hope you all have a happy 4th if you live in the US…and a happy weekend regardless.

Ruinwen
:)

Isis

2010-06-25T07:59:00.001-04:00

Isis, originally uploaded by Ruinwen.

Hello everyone. This is my beautiful Isis that my sister brought me from Egypt. She was professionally matted and we finally found a place worthy of her. She makes me smile every time I see her.

We have gotten a lot done and played here and there. I'm tired and sore but when I look at the house I smile. A vacation lasts a week but my living room will be with me every day from now on. A good investment of our time indeed.

Hugs to you all.
Ruinwen
:)

The Color of Purple

2010-06-18T06:22:00.003-04:00

"I never know what the next lesson is going to be, because we’re not supposed to know; we’re supposed to trust ourselves to discover it."
-- Melody Beattie

So this week the house is in flux. Everything has been moved so the nice man can paint the living room and all our stuff is crammed in the nooks around the house. The old TV has been moved up to our bedroom and I can’t wait to watch something on it.

Everything is happening much quicker then we thought it would and it amazes me how we were able to move everything in such a short time. Of course, most of the kudos go to DH because he was able to do a lot of the prep work and move a bunch of things before I got home. But I think I did my share too; which is why we make an awesome team.

Next week I am off so I’m not too mortified about the house being in pieces. I really want to put it back together slowly and clean up and dust everything before it goes back into place…if it goes back at all.

It feels good to accomplish a goal like this. These walls have never been painted since we moved in 15 years ago. I think I will like the magical purple color we picked. DH painted 3 different colored blocks on our walls; so the first thing you saw when you walked in the door was purple against white. Everyone picked magical as the wall color. It somehow seems right for us…if you know what I mean. ;)

I’m on the last square of the blanket so I should have all the trim and everything done by next week to show you. It will be great to finish it.

I have acquired more crystals. These are “aura” crystals that are the end result of an electrostatic vacuum process which uses intense heat to infuse different vapor deposits to natural quartz. The atoms fuse to the crystal’s surface and become part of the crystal as well as creating color and or an iridescent metallic sheen.

There are many different types and combinations of crystal that can be created through this process. The ones I have here are Aqua aura, Angel aura, Champagne Aura, Tangerine Aura, Ruby Aura and Tanzine Aura.

I am excited to work with these crystals. I have had in my possession for many years now some beautiful Aqua auras. I was leery at first thinking the process would harm the crystal but what I found was quite the opposite.

I know that tempering is a common metaphor to being tested and tried and coming out stronger at the end of the gauntlet. When I first experienced the Aqua arua energy I was stunned at how powerful it was. I could feel it purifying the chakras and auric field of all the things that were not for my own learning and growth. All this was done in a gentle non-evasive way.

BTW I was able to use the rose quartz matrix this week and each shape took on its elemental guide and worked just like I’d hoped. I’m very happy with this set. They have such loving, compassionate vibrations.

I want to see what happens when I couple the rose quartz and the auras with the phantom…I need to spend a week just working with my crystals and luckily I have next week off just to do that!

Bright blessings to you all,
*hugs*
Ruinwen
:)

Plan A, B and C

2010-06-11T06:20:00.003-04:00

"The problem is not that there are problems.
The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."
-- Theodore Rubin

Problems are a part of life; the trick for me is not to turn them into excuses. I’ve been trying to make a Plan A, B and C so when something doesn’t work out the way I wanted then I have something to fall back on.

I’ve found that this is a good practice for me because it helps me to not worry about an outcome if I know there is another chance for it to happen. I’m very easily discouraged and that emotion turned inward becomes rage. I’m trying to be very wary when my emotions start heading towards anger. When I find I’m upset for no reason I go back to taking cherry blossom essence and really try to pinpoint the root cause of this shift in emotions.

For instance my last post had me up on Thursday night irate at myself that it was suddenly Friday and I had no pictures or prose of any sort. But instead of just skipping it and being mad at myself I used other pictures and jotted down a few things that were important to me and I had a post.

Voila! The anger never got a chance and I stopped it before it could voice another negative opinion on the subject.

I’ve been on a plateau in WW for a month now. Plateaus can try you to the point of insanity if you let them. I had to try Plan A, B, C and even D before my scale started to move again. I know that I’ve been losing inches and fat is turning to muscle but I wanted to see that magic number change at WI.

The big thing was each plan took a week to implement. This is a life-change after all and I’m not in it for band-aids or quick-fixes. I’m in it for life. The easiest thing for me to change was "eat more veggies". I really enjoy food that is in season and there are so many things you can put in a salad that I really look forward to mine each day.

The hardest thing for me to find time to fit in is working out. Because of our house situation I can’t do the things I used to do. PROBLEM: It would be rude to work out in the morning right over the BIL and kid's heads and that was my optimum time to work out. PROBLEM: I can’t set up my machine because that room is now my BIL’s family room more or less.

PLAN A: So I’ve been walking. I walk around the block. On the weekends we go to the park and get a much longer walk as a family. My DH has to get at least 5,000 steps a day or he gets cranky. So it works great as a motivator.

PLAN B: On days it rains I plan to use the Wii Fit. There is a walking program in there and it is fun. Biking is harder because you have to steer too. So there is always the Wii.

PLAN C: Create a new exercise room. This would take money and planning and if things continue the way they are…might happen in the next few years. But in a pinch I can take my little stair stepper which is crammed into the corner and use it. It has a nice burn after about 20 minutes and your legs feel like jello when you are done. Also, I can work out at lunch for 20 minutes and bring a bar on those days.

The point is I have options. And I’ve been fitting walking in rain or shine for the last month and I have finally come off that plateau! I have one more pound to convert to muscle until the Wii will be happy and sing accolades of my BMI being spot on.

On the knitting front I’ve been concentrating on finishing the Community Lapghan. I just finished the 7th square and I’m starting on the 8th. I think this should be done trim and all by the end of this month and I’m very pleased with how it is coming out.

I’ve been doing a lot of work with crystals lately. Here are my rose quartz elemental representations. They have a loving, compassionate vibration and I couldn’t be happier with them. The water crystal has the most beautiful rainbow window in it. It could be an angel…I have to work with her more to find out.

And here is something to make our booth more appealing…cheese for the mice of course! I tried knitting the holes in the fabric but it didn’t felt so well. DH cut the cheese with all the different holes and I adore this little felt slice!

So all in all, things are progressing…life is ever changing and I’m just trying to keep up with it…but that is okay.

*hugs to all of you*
Ruinwen
:)

Endings and Beginnings

2010-06-04T06:55:00.005-04:00

This week went by so fast after our friend and family full weekend that I barely had time to breathe much less come up with a meaningful post. I’m a little behind in a lot of things but that is okay.

I completed a goal that I’ve been wanting for myself for four years and it felt really good. I always like to begin and end with a ritual for most things. I believe in honoring the cycles that our lives go through on this journey. To celebrate the joy of being a Mother yet moving on to a place where I will not be having more children (knock on wood…cross your fingers…say a prayer) I wanted to get my belly pierced. I know that sacred transitions always come with a little pain and a change that is more inward then outward and this is something I’ve wanted to do for some time now.

So I went with my BFF and it was a rite of passage ripe with tears, fun and pretty new sparkly things that remind me that while I’m not perfect…I’m an awesome Mom. And my body was amazing to gift me with the two children it did. And I will be and ever am thankful to the whole amazing process of the creation of new life.

That said. This is for me. It doesn’t mean I’m wearing low shirts or anything. For the most part it is my secret only shared with a few friends who understand the meaning and importance of this simple act.

So meet my new phantom quartz crystal. This may seem like a simple thing but again it just a seed for something quite bigger then I ever thought possible. I’ll try and give you more on all that later on in the year when it makes sense to me. lol

Phantom crystals help to realign our actual self with our auric template. As a crystal with exact copies of itself inside it puts out an amazing amount of energy. Mine has seven phantom layers…which correspond to the chakras and the auric fields of the body. I could not be more pleased in this crystal. :)

I’ve been keeping up with my goals and finished another square on the MAK blanket and got another few squares done on Dianna too. I’ve got a knot on the board that I’ve been working on but this week has flown by and I never got to finish it…but that is what weekends are for.

Oh and in my off moments I’ve been learning sacred geometry. Shown above is the Flower of Life. Pretty neat stuff.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
*hugs*
Ruinwen
:)

And I almost forgot....the winner of the Celtic knot book is Geraldine! Congrats! Send me your address by e-mail okay...please and thank you! :)

Moving On

2010-05-28T06:00:00.004-04:00

"The message we give our bodies -- one of irritation or acceptance -- is the message to which our bodies will answer."
-- Deb Shapiro, Your Body Speaks Your Mind

I wanted to see how long it actually took to make one of these squares for the Quilt (Square counterpane With Leaves) blanket. There are 49 rounds plus the bind off to a square; and that really isn’t a lot. I finished a square during eight hours of TV...not consecutively.

There are a lot of things I really love about this pattern. One, I get to start it on dpn’s and then move to circs. I love using dpns…I don’t know why…but I do. Two, since there are four needles or four repeats; however you wish to look at it, there are four of them. I can spot check my numbers and see how everything is going on the first needle and then just "read" the knitting through the other three. This is my favorite part of the knitting process; when it becomes zen. There is no checking back and forth in the pattern because I have internalized it. And three, I love fitting it into the already knitted parts of the blanket and three needle binding-off and “poof” it is done.

My goal here is to change the way I look at things. When I started this project I had in my head that it would be a long-term project. I think that translates to…I think I can work on this for a little bit and then put it away and not feel bad about it.

But really if I only knit on it a little each night I can finish a square a week without changing the way I do anything. BTW I can knit up a square motif during lunch during the day for my shawl. A little time each day is being devoted to my current projects and they are progressing nicely. My MAK scarf of the week is already done and passed on to the next person.

I’m feeling pretty good about my focal projects right now.

So I had to do this. There are all kinds of knotty ideas are going through my head right now. The greatest thing about this project is that we already had all the materials in the house. My blocking board served wonderfully as a knotting board. I was really happy how this turned out. This knot took no time at all.

See I must have wanted to do this before because I already had this book when I ordered it a second time. I must have thought about it and then beat myself up about how I couldn’t do it and then never even tried.

Well, I’m not that person anymore. I got my book this weekend and had a knot done before hubby could find the second cord from the garage. I can’t wait to tackle the harder ones.

So, if you want the extra book let me know. If I have a bunch of people who want it I will hold a raffle or something.

Oh, this came off the blocking board. It’s been there for a while and I totally forgot about it. What I need is one room where everything can live together so stuff like this doesn’t happen. But that is a dream that will have to remain on hold for a while.

Anywaaaaay, isn’t she pretty? I really enjoyed this knit and have enough yarn left over to make a second one if I so choose.

As I end this month, I feel that I'm in a better place. I am certain that all this self work that I have done has borne fruit and that I am stronger for it. I can clearly see that all the little changes I have made since the beginning of the year are forming a cohesive whole within my being. I know I still have a long way to go…but at least I feel like I’ve really committed to the journey this time.

Have a super weekend!
*hugs*
:)

Good Enough

2010-05-21T06:02:00.000-04:00

"Let the waters settle
you will see stars and moon
mirrored in your Being."
-- Rumi

First of all I wanted to say, “Thank you!” You are such kind, compassionate, sweet, good hearted and special people. I am blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. *hugs*

So as this journey of mine continues I learn more and more about why I do the things I do.

It all started when I was a little girl and my parents had put me in an ice skating class. I loved to skate. There was nothing more fascinating to me then to watch the older kids skate backwards. I wanted to do that more then my next breath. Gliding on the ice was like…magic.

But as my first real disappointment in life; it was not to last. As I graduated up to the next class I was told I would need a coach and as my Father explained it, “We just don’t have the money for that.”

As an adult I understand that now. As a child I did not. My little mind could not comprehend that “money” was in such short supply that I could not have this one little thing. I offered to pay for it with my allowance and Dad shook his head, “Your nickel a week allowance wouldn’t even begin to scratch the surface.”

Again words that have no meaning to a kid. So they put me in ballet. I loved ballet. I just adored dancing and the different positions. I liked the challenge of learning to move my body with grace. My first big performance I got to be a rock that transformed into a faerie in A Midsummer’s Night Dream.

After working so hard to be better at every movement, I was rewarded. They wanted me to go on point and train with the other beautiful ballerinas. I knew that my Father would be proud of me this time because I had worked so hard to get here. He was always saying to work hard and get good at things so he must see that I had thrown my whole being into my dancing.

But the answer was still "no" and I was pulled out of ballet.

They put me in piano but my heart was never in it. I never realized that when I hung up my dance shoes I had shut a piece of me away. I never realized that my belief became…never get good at anything or it will be taken away. And even more damaging…you must have never been good to begin with.

One thought…one moment…can change our entire being forever. Sometimes we never even realize how damaging those instances can be.

When I listed the things that have been on the needles I realized that they are not gifts that I never finished or promises I didn’t keep to others…they are all things that were intended for me.

Never finish…never get good…you aren’t good enough…it will be taken away.

Even now years later those words still influence me. And I realize what happens when I start something for me…the minute I fall in love with the pattern or the yarn…then I put it away. I am in a manner of speaking; taking it away from myself before someone else can.

So these feelings coupled with the others really make sense to me. Deep down I’m scared that when I finish something it still won’t be good enough. I have a lot of trouble taking pride in my work but I have been striving to change that…just like I’m trying to work through the abandonment issues of last post and the new revelations of this one.

I’m still on track with my goals. I finished another block of my lapghan at Spring Fest…that is four done; five to go. I haven’t done much knitting this week because of house things that had to be taken care of. Friday night I hope to work on my shawl and knock out a tier.

I stuck to WW even through Fair. Hubby put a beautiful anklet on me that he had made (will try to get a picture next time) and it is my constant reminder that I cannot gain…if I ever need one.

I have not had the money to sign up for the Nutrition Class yet. I refuse to just charge it. I have saved half of it and if it takes me until July to get the money together then so be it.

We’ve been asked to do some other shows with Vixenpath and we are seriously considering it. We have all kinds of new ideas to throw around and proto-type.

There is a lot of good going on…even if it is all in little baby steps. I can easily see how I created a paradigm out of Dad’s reaction so long ago. I seem to take the worst thing and hold onto it and not trust the best things that are being said. I am working hard to change this behavior.

I intend to shake off this negative way of viewing my talents. I am no longer shackled by the words in my head since I know them for what they are. I know now about money and that my Father’s decision was never related to my talent. I also know that when my Father recently told me how proud he was of me that he meant it. For the first time I could see it for what it was and that was an amazing feeling after years of feeling “not good enough.”

As you can see our booth at Fair is full of family talent. People weren’t buying really but that is okay. We made back the booth and had a great weekend crafting and throwing out ideas.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. :)
*hugs*
:)

The Hole In My Heart

2010-05-14T06:40:00.003-04:00

"The whole secret of freedom from anxiety over not having enough time lies not in working more hours, but in the proper planning of the hours."
-- Frank Bettger

This picture always makes me smile. These are the happy feet from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Socks. This was a community KAL we did where we each knit eight rows of any sock yarn on each other’s socks. It was fun and took no time at all but look at the results! Such amazing colors and variations! Mine are the pink and green ones…since I had to be totally crazy with them. lol

Right now we are doing a Malabrigo lengthwise scarf KAL. The yarn is so yummy. Four rows is not enough…I just want to keep knitting. lol

If you read this blog then you know that community is really big with me. I love giving back to the town I adore so much and I am always happy to hang out with my crafty friends. So once again we are doing our Community Lapghan project. One of the gals wanted to make her own lapghan instead of doing squares like we did last year and I thought that was a great idea!

So here is the start of mine. I’ll still make squares too and help join them…but this lapghan is will be completely made by me. I fell in love with this when I saw it on Ravelry. Everything for the Assisted Living has to be washable so I’m making it in Red Heart. My wonderful DH picked out the colors. My favorite part of this blanket is the three needle bind off. I found a complementary colorway that has all the colors of the blanket in it from Carron. And while organizing my stash I found enough to do a border. *yay*

Speaking of organizing…I tried Dianna in the Blue Heron cotton and hated it. I even went to the third tier…again…just to see if my opinion changed when the squares were picked up. It didn’t. Don’t get me wrong the yarn is lovely…I just wasn’t feeling the cotton for this pattern.

DH and I rummaged through my stash to find something with long colorways with enough yardage…I find it so disheartening when I have all this stash and nothing ever works with it. But this time I found…way in the back…two balls of merino that I bought when I just started knitting…and I’d been saving for a shawl.

I know a lot of people hate lace with heavy yarn and big needles…but I find it irresistible it as long as the stitch definition is excellent. I am in love with this yarn…in love with this project…and I have made it past the third tier.

For me the shifting my focus to this one project is working. I cast this on for the third time on Saturday morning and look at it now! When you only have one thing to keep your attention on then it is amazing how quickly the knitting goes!

In this vein, I’ve come to a decision that I think will help me work through some of these pent up feelings that I have. Through this blog you have seen me strive to understand how my feelings affect other facets of my being and I learned something about myself that I didn’t know before.

Having all these WIPs makes me angry at myself. I’m angry that I don’t have more discipline to finish what I started. Some of these projects are six years old. I’ve been working really hard on finishing them this year and my WIP stash has been cut in half already this year…but that is not good enough.

When I went to MD S&W…which was awesome….I saw at Brooks Farm, a shawl in their booth which I have at home. A shawl which I fell in love with and bought the yarn and even started…and then put aside in a basket three years ago.

And it made me mad at myself. And I realize that is what I feel every time I look at my WIP list which sits on my altar and greets me every day…anger….frustration…and general annoyance.

And really, I’m not pointing fingers at you my dear readers. Everyone has a system that works for them and I am not judging your choices or saying that my way is the right way. This is about me and my choices and how they affect my being.

Aries already have the boon that they are ruled by Mars…two war gods…an endless supply of untapped anger. I always have to fight to rein in my emotions…even if I am a generally happy person most of the time. I’m like an unlit match…it just takes one thing to cross that line and *poof* I’m fighting back the anger.

Whenever I find sources of potential anger that I can eliminate from my life; I jump at the chance to eradicate them.

This shawl has taught me a lot about myself. I realized that I kept casting on all these projects to fill a void in me that I didn’t know existed. But the abyss was not what I thought it was…and all the yarn and all the projects in the world would never fill the hole that existed in me.

This year for the first time in 23 years something else had filled that hole. For so long I’ve kept busy trying to jam pack every moment so I could make up for something I couldn’t forgive myself for…even if I thought I had.

And here it is in a nutshell…I got pregnant in high school and gave birth to a beautiful daughter. Wanting the best life for her possible I gifted her to another family who could love and care for her like I never could.

I know it was the right thing for me to do. But this little voice has always nagged at me for abandoning my child…for giving up and not even trying. That voice was the reason that my husband and I were going to only have cats instead of children. He has always been supportive of my feelings and I thank the Goddess every day for such a wonderful, loving partner.

One day everything in me shifted and I knew I wanted to create a child with this fantastic man…and we did. And that little bundle of joy started healing the hole in me from the day he was born.

I no longer feel like a “bad mother”. I may mess things up and all...because I am human. But I know every time my son hugs me that I must be doing something right. He gave me flowers for Mother’s Day…beautiful roses from my amazing little man.

Emotions are tricky…and just because the hole is healed it doesn’t mean that my feelings of love for my daughter have changed. It just means that I can look forward instead of back for the first time in 23 years.

I realize all these projects I have abandoned were to punish myself. All these years of starting things and not finishing them I was trying to sabotage myself. I can see that very clearly now.

My Mother did the same thing in a different way. She bought things to heal her hole from the past. Most times they never even got out of the box. And no matter how many things she bought the pain of the past never lessened.

I started things unconsciously intending not to finish them because for 23 years I’ve felt like a failure and I have created situations where I reinforced that sense of dis-accomplishment.

And now that whole cycle has been broken…I resent all these projects that I’ve abandoned…but I see the symmetry of how nature works and it makes me smile. I’m left with the emotions with no source or reason and it all feels out of balance.

So, in this bizarre journey I have taken to understand why I do the things I do, I’m going to finish all my WIPs. After this beautiful shawl is done I’m going to commit my Summer to working on all my forsaken projects. I know if I can focus on one project at a time that I can finish all the ones that are left. So that is what I’m going to do.

I will give each project my love and support and treat it with respect. I will enjoy the process and honor the yarn with each stitch. This is not a chore but something I am looking forward to doing.

Then I can start a new project in the Fall with my needles and my head, free and clear.

Have a great weekend,
Ruinwen
:)

Shattered Focus

2010-05-07T06:20:00.004-04:00

“A good intention clothes itself with power.”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“By becoming a conscious choice-maker, you begin to generate actions that are evolutionary for you.”
-- Deepak Chopra

I’ve read on the WW boards about people who say they had no choice but to go over their points. That by the time they got home there was nothing left of their daily allotment. But to me that says, they didn’t take the time to journal and figure out how many points they were consuming. The way I see it is that if they wanted…really cared about…having those points for dinner then they would have chosen to plan their day.

I know this for a fact because I was that person once. I ate what I wanted and got home and had no points left. I had to dip into my weekly allotment and it upset me to no end because I was saving that for sushi on the weekend. By the time the weekend rolled around I realized that there was no weekly allotment left and I ate salad, begrudgingly, when we went out.

WW has taught me a lot about life. With goals you either want them or you don’t. Sometimes one sets a goal just because they feel like they should; but in their heart they have no intention of ever seeing it to fruition.

I’ve found out your mind will go along with creating whatever you truly want to create and it will stop you from bringing anything to life that you are not ready for. With most things it is the intent that focuses the energy and brings thoughts into this reality.

It is amazing to me that one can have this idea in their heads for years and then the minute they write it out and make it “real” it starts to gain momentum. Once it is put on paper then the idea can be fleshed out and expanded upon as it gains power.

The problem that I’ve noticed with me is that I have too many things drawing on this creative energy at the same time. I thought if I did a little here and a little there, then I would at least be doing something. But I was wrong.

In my yarn craft more then any other aspect of my life; I lose my creative focus. There are so many pretty patterns which keep calling to me. Books…lure me with new ideas and vibrant hues. Blogs…Ravelry…magazines…it all is getting to be too much!

I’ve been so good about not buying new yarn…MD S&W doesn’t count. But the patterns…it is like an addiction and I’m trying to stop.

I think my creative focus fractures a bit with each one…as I ponder on how I can change it or what yarn would be perfect each new pattern takes a bit of my creativity and diverts it where it sits in a holding pattern. In my head that pattern has become an idea that longs to be realized.

And all these ideas are overwhelming me but I am not casting on something new until I finish something old. I refuse. I am not going to scatter my focus like this anymore.

The truth is most patterns could be finished in little over a weeks time…if that…if only I would focus on one at a time then a project would have a beginning, middle and end that would follow a nice orderly fashion. Instead of my current…oooooh I love this pattern I must cast it on now….such pretty yarn…half way yawn…time to cast on something new…pattern sits in bag…and sits…I find it while looking for something else…think about working on it and decline…it moves to a new bag…time passes (sometimes years)…project is found again…why did I ever put you away…such pretty colors…such a nice pattern…pattern is finally finished…waits to block…yay I actually finished something…pattern gets to be on blog.

To stop this cycle I’m trying something new. This is totally against my Aries nature and I expect inner resistance. But like WW, financial serenity and my yarn diet when I decide something my mind knows that I’m serious. So, to that end I am going to try and do one project from beginning to end without casting on another one in between. I am going to focus my intent and mind on that one project and not cast on another until it is done.

I have picked something very challenging. Dianna caught my eye even though I knew it would not be an easy knit. I just love the entrelac leaves made out of lace.

The first thing I did was make myself a chart. I have trouble with the phrase "knit the knits and purl the purls." For me it makes more sense if it is charted; so that is what I did.

I played around with big needles and yarn and made a few leaves. I wanted to make sure I remembered how to do entrelac since it has been a while. And I must say, I'm happy with the results.

So now I'm going to wind 1000 yards of my Blue Heron Deep Blue Sea that I've had forever. I wanted something with long legs of color...the fall colors swatch seemed way too jumbled for this pattern to me.

So this is my project. I will not cast on anything new until it is done. I'm being honest with you...that I have two other things that I will knit on from time to time. One is a KAL that I'm doing with the fine ladies from my community and the other is the lapghan project that I'm doing with the community.

So wish me luck as I once again realize that a swift would be wonderful.

Have a super weekend!
Ruinewn
:)

The Necessary Life

2010-04-30T06:26:00.007-04:00

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so the necessary may speak.

-Hans Hofmann

Everybody has something that changes them to an elemental level; if only for a split second in time. There is at least one trigger for each of us that brings us back to our center and simplifies us. For me there is a few and I’ve tried to embrace each of them more and more to combat the spiraling chaos that threatens to choke me.

Cuddling: This is number one on my list. I love being with the man I adore and intertwining our hands together. When we become two individuals sharing one energy field I just melt into him.

I also will cuddle with my son when he needs his “Mommy”. I am honored that he still sees me as a source of comfort even though he will be nine this year.

If our sweet fur Princess would allow it; I would cuddle with her too. But sadly she is DH’s cat and I’m only allowed to pet and coo and worship at her kitty paws. I miss my purry furry that curled up with me and loved to share my space. *sigh*

Water: I have loved the water as long as I can remember. I guess it makes sense since our bodies are mostly H20. I’m not really picky about how I get my daily dose either. I love taking a long hot bath; but a shower will do in a pinch. I listen to the ocean every night to lull me to sleep.

The ocean in itself is such a magical thing. The ebb and flow of the tides is so hypnotic to me; it’s the sweet song of nature itself from the womb of creation.

We used to go more often but as of late our money is a bit tight and it is either fix up the house or go on vacation. We can’t do both and stay out of debt. The adult in me is proud that I’ve learned that lesson…the child in me misses the ocean.

Comfort Food: There are so many foods that will change my mood entirely and sushi is one of them; but it is not what comfort food means to me.

When I was sick and feeling blah Mom made these amazing potato pancakes out of leftover mashed potatoes and they were so good. I’ve always felt that Mom’s food tasted so amazing because of the love she put in it. I try to put that same love into my food when I have the time to cook. I think it makes a big difference.

Unfortunately, those particular potato pancakes are bathed in butter as they cook and are now way too many points for me. And really I’ve tried to make them again and they were good but something was off. I think that they will just have to be remembered as a gift my wonderful Mom made me.

So maybe after thinking it over…sushi is my comfort food…it cycles me back to the ocean which I love. It is good for me and low in points and I get a smile on my face every time I eat it.

Creating: There is something magical about taking something like a ball of yarn and adding your energy and time and ending up with something entirely new.

Yarn calls to me all the time. I’ve been trying so hard to resist but this weekend is Maryland Sheep and Wool and I’ve set aside a nice sum to purchase new yarn without guilt and believe-you-me when I leave through those gates I will be skipping like a little child.

I knit, crochet, garden, cook, write and do a lot of creative things but there is this one thing that ties them all together; the moment when I am no longer doing the craft but I am one with it.

In writing I will hear a noise and realize that I’ve been so immersed in my story that I’ve written eight pages. Or when I’ve got a pattern down and I no longer have to look at the chart and the rhythm starts flowing from my soul…that is when the magic happens.

That is when all the unnecessary falls away and this moment; the one I am living is all there is. Past…future…all the could haves or will becomes...disappear.

It is in these stolen moments that I gain my greatest insights. I believe they are a necessary food for my soul.

But one cannot live in this state of oneness for forever; not in the world as it is now.

As I write these words I remember the bank statement I have to fill out and write myself a memo so I don’t lose my train of thought. The phone rings, which sends me looking for a book for a knitter who needs assistance. Back at the keys…my son asks a question which I answer. I check my bank account in another tab to see if I can buy that essence my DH needs. Back to the post…my eyes lift and I see bills that I have to pay on Friday…I tuck them in my bag so they will not be forgotten. I realize after trying to read this and get my momentum back…the moment is gone…the words that I were trying to express have been said. Might as well as get a load of laundry in while I wait for the picture to upload in another tab….

See, that is life as I know it. But if I can take a moment here and there to focus on the necessary things that season my life with spirit and enrich my soul…then the chaos that precedes and follows those moments seems less stressful.

Before I go...I was blessed to receive a beautiful package from Heather. Thank you so much!!! She may not know this but I've never knit with glass needles or owned anything Rowan. So those two gifts are just priceless to me. The clips, magnets and egg cookers will all be treasured here.

I love the lavender sachets she made with her amazing creativity! You should check out her blog to see all the stuff she creates. Plus...she is a talented dyer as well.

So I guess I need to add my friends and family for they are truly the most necessary of all the things I treasure in my life. I am blessed and surrounded by so many wonderful people! From my BFF...to the people I'm lucky enough to call friends...to my virtual friends...to the reader that I may never know...thank you for sharing and enriching my life just by being in it. :)

*hugs to all of you*

Have a beautiful weekend!
Ruinwen
:)

Dear Diary

2010-04-23T06:20:00.005-04:00

"The positive thing about writing is that you connect with yourself in the deepest way, and that's heaven. You get a chance to know who you are, to know what you think. You begin to have a relationship with your mind."

-- Natalie Goldberg

Journaling can be like talking to a good friend; only this time the “friend” is you. I often find when creating a post I learn new things about myself. Though I only blog once a week, I find it very rewarding to be able to reexamine myself through the written word.

I also keep a personal journal under lock and key. I have kept a diary of sorts since I was a little girl. Mom gave me my first diary to hold fast to my dreams and to keep a record of precious memories. I remember how awestruck I felt to hold the future in my hand represented by all those blue lines waiting to be filled with my thoughts and recollections.

For WW one of the tools they suggest you use is the daily journal. This allows me to be accountable for everything that I consume. A daily food journal IMHO should be the first thing anyone who wants to make a diet change should employ.

I started out by guesstimating my food before I joined WW. I was shocked to find that things that I thought were healthy and good for me were 8 to 10 points…which is almost half of my daily allowance. I learned that my idea of portion sizes were all wrong. I learned how to accurately judge a serving.

The biggest change was my perception. Once I wrapped my mind around the fact that one piece of pizza could fill me up; I found that that one slice was enough. Through journaling I found out that I felt that I was being deprived. So I found my triggers for deprivation mode and fed them.

When anyone gets fries, I take one. I only need one now. I always have one little piece of katsu…or a pepperoni…or anything else that is screaming at me. One little piece is usually enough to stop the craving.

Figuring out your triggers takes time. Learning about yourself is an on-going and sometimes exhausting process, but well worth it.

Last week I found out that I was guesstimating yet another aspect of my diet wrong. Apparently I’ve gone from mostly sedentary to mildly active and I didn’t even know it. I’ve been eating under my points for about a month now.

With the Pokewalker I’ve been pushing the steps to between 8,000 and 10,000+ a day...(still no surfing Pikachu). Apparently that makes a huge difference in my activity level. Enough that I got back 2 points a day…that is 14 extra points a week!

DH had the same problem and had to readjust his calories.

I find that lately I have more energy and commitment to my life changes. I’ve been working with MAP and found essences that were calling to me. Both modifications to my care program have made a huge difference in how I feel and act.

Another thing that has changed is I wanted to knit some challenging pieces. The MAK girls gave this to me for my birthday and I’m in love with the process of watching the leaves form. I still have a little bit to go and it will have to be seriously blocked but I love working on it!

I love Knitpicks because you can get anything as a kit so that is what I did. I also bought this and can’t wait to start it.

I’m getting ready to start my blanket/square drive for the Assisted Living with our talented crafting community.

Spring Fling is around the corner too.

I’m trying so hard to be organized and give a little time to each of these areas so they don’t all hit me at once. But with MS&W around the corner…I tend to get distracted. lol

Bright blessings and happy crafting.
Ruinwen
:)

Happy Earth Day!

2010-04-22T05:06:00.003-04:00

photo is from: http://s266.photobucket.com/home/DIANASMOON

Happy Earth Day!

What I Want

2010-04-16T06:20:00.005-04:00

“Please… tell me who you are and what you want. And if you think those are simple questions, keep in mind that most people live their entire lives without arriving at an answer.”
-- Gary Zukav

I am the kind of person who is trying to do so much at once that it is easy to get lost along the way. Right now I have a bunch of solid goals and I am walking on the pathways that lead to them. It is impossible to think I can do them all at once but still I try.

I want to be a healthy weight and despite certain adverse eating days when I could have just pigged out, I have remained true to WW. I keep losing a bit here and there since now I'm whittling away the hardest weight. Each pound lost these days brings with it a new bout of emotions to sift through. I haven’t let it weigh me down again (pun intended) and I haven’t eaten out of anger or sadness. And to me it not a diet – it is a life change.

I want to be able to handle my full load of overwhelming emotions. These emotions keep building until they attack me with full force. I use the weapons of my trade; Reiki, MAP, Essences, Mantras, Meditation, Ritual, Yoga, Journaling, Prayer and anything else I can think of. But more and more I just want to run away and cry; I want to go somewhere that is separate from my life. So on Sunday I did and it felt good to sit by gurgling water surrounded by flowers and nature.

I want to be able to use my healing more. For me this is easy since I am using it as much as possible in a myriad of ways. But I want more then that. I want to find a place that is looking for someone like me, since creating that place cannot happen right now as we had previously planned. I’m working on getting the money for my Nutrition course and hope to have it all saved up by May.

I want to be able to do a project from start to finish without getting sidetracked. I fear this is impossible. I met a woman at knit group who only ever has one project on the needles at a time. ONE. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t do that. As of this post I have 17. I’m ashamed by that. I know that Aries are not known for endings and completions since they are on the fire, energy side of the chart…but still. It isn’t that I don’t finish things; because I do.

I find it so hard to focus on things. I’ve been trying to find a stitch for the washcloth of my spa set. And this is the one I’ve fallen in love with. I bet you thought I’d just placed my spa idea aside as a flight of fancy. And heck, I would not blame you in the least. But this time my dear readers I have been working hard to make and test the products that were in my head.

The round little crochet face scrubbie I love. I’ve had it now a month or so and it is doing great. I have been throwing it in the wash with the towels at it seems not to mind at all. So I think this is a winner.

The washcloth is light and airy. I wanted a mesh that would hold soap, yet not be so heavy that it took away from the experience.

I have an idea for the actual puff…but I haven’t worked it out yet.

As much as I try and at least cast off one project before I cast on another…I cannot stay focused on one project. At least I do a little here and there on each one and none is totally forgotten. I’m trying to add them all to the side bar so I’m accountable for them.

So what did we learn today? I’m a mental and emotional mess who is on hold for her next phase of healing classes. I can’t seem to stay focused enough to finish anything but I look darn good not doing it. lol

Have a great day,
Ruinwen
:)

Note: This pic was made from my new IPad on the Doodle program. The goal is that I can take my IPad with me and be able to put together a post. BTW...I love the IPad. I've already down loaded a book to the reader and I love that I can search through the text when I need to find something fast. I love the big screen that I can embiggen whenever I need to with a pinch.

You are What you Eat

2010-04-09T06:43:00.002-04:00

"The spiritual life is a call to action. But it is a call to ... action without any selfish attachment to the results."
-- Eknath Easwaran

If I can be quite honest with you; I’m being called. And the voice that started out in gentle dulcet tones is now up to a dull roar. Since I am clairaudient, I usually can discern what direction I’m being pulled in, but this…this is different.

I thought this was getting back to using my herbs…and it is. I thought this was doing more healing…and it is. I thought this was about maybe becoming a Weight Watchers leader…and it is. I thought this was about eating more local food…and it is.

Confused…yeah, so was I. I really had to focus to understand what would tie all these separate issues together into one cohesive whole.

I have an ND (Doctor of Naturopathy). I am a certified herbalist, Bach essence practitioner and Reiki Master.

Really, if I could practice healing full time…it would be the perfect vocation. But…I just haven’t found a venue that allows me to do what I love and make enough to help support our family.

So when the Goddess started urging me in a direction I was hesitant…as if I know what is best for me? I had to swallow all that fear that comes with branching off of what one knows and listen with an open mind and heart.

It seems that the path I’m on may have many spokes but at the heart of them is the fuel that allows us to exist…food. What we eat determines how hale and hearty we are. When what we consume cannot fulfill the needs a functioning body has, then something within us suffers. Poor digestion interferes with nutrient breakdown, absorption and metabolism; it allows toxins to remain in the body and accumulate; and over-stresses the body

For example, heavily processed food requires the support of more pancreatic enzymes (the enzymes that aid in digestive processes) then whole foods. This causes an imbalance in our systems that we may not even be aware of. Some of the symptoms of this imbalance are: gas, bloating, muscle pain, skin disorders, insomnia, constipation, diarrhea and heartburn.

This progression steals enzymes from the immune system to help with the digestive process…thus weakening the immune system. If the digestive process becomes sluggish, then the toxic load that it usually filters out, becomes yet another hardship for it to handle. The weakened immune system then has trouble fighting off the excess free radicals (every day toxins)…and then the whole system is compromised.

Okay, so I’m sure you’re like…this is fascinating Ruinwen but what is your point?

I’m going to get my certification as a Nutritionist. I took a class in it for my ND. I’ve learned so much about healthy eating over the years. And it really ties together everything I want to do and hope to become.

Yes, I’m scared about fitting in classes into an already crammed life…yes, it is a bit of money but I have to trust the Goddess to provide and to know what is best for me.

A Nutritionist certification opens doors for me that were previously closed and it only upgrades my ND work. It will come in handy if I become a WW leader. It will only benefit my family and help us in our journey to good health.

I find nutrition fascinating. There are so many parts of this course that I really think I will enjoy. I can’t wait to learn more on the healing power of foods.

So this blog is going to become even more diversified as I start a new leg of my journey.

Finally, an amazing piece of news…Dad sold the house pretty much right after it went on the market. I’m sooo happy that it won’t be there to vex him. I wish the new owners blessings and I hope it is a haven of serenity and happiness.

Have a wonderful weekend!
Ruinwen
*hugs*
:)
Note: The above snow is the kind I really love; cherry blossoms scattered everywhere changing the concrete to a hue of pink.

I Am Worth It

2010-04-02T06:20:00.003-04:00

"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures."

-- Henry Ward Beecher

In Feng Shui one can rearrange elements of a room to change the flow of chi through it. A stagnant space can suddenly become a haven of serenity by moving 27 items. Why 27? Nine is considered the number of longevity in Feng Shui, and multiplying it by three, the number of growth, will welcome in a continuous string of prosperous changes into your life.

We moved our living room around and focused on creating more flow and I am very happy with the results. I feel more relaxed now when I sit on the couch. I actually feel less sluggish and find myself getting in a dozen rows every night on the project de jour.

We’ve decided to not stop there. This summer we will have the room painted in a hue of violet or mauve. We had originally decided on a deep purple color but we think that now that we’ve opened up the space; the color should be full of serenity and light.

It is amazing what a coat of paint and a few alterations can do to bring new life into an area.

This weekend I want to get my hair cut to go with my new modifications. Last weekend I reached my original WW goal and I am in my skinny jeans again! Now I am on to the next goal which is the one the Wii has set for me. It wants me to have a good solid BMI and so do I. And I’m all good with that. I want to be a healthy weight.

Towards that end I started carrying a Pokewalker. This is part of the new Pokemon game. It is a pedometer that you carry around with you all day and you can earn things for the game by how many steps you take. I saw this and fell in love…Pokemon and getting healthy…for me what could be better then that? My sister and son are doing it too. We had to get permission from school and daycare that he could carry it and not touch it during the day. But I think it is a wonderful way for us gamers to promote good health. Yay Nintendo!

So, this week I’ve been working on something I am really bad at…honoring my time. I do a lot of things pro bono. I honestly can say that I get two or three knitting emergencies a week that I help with and ask for nothing. I truly believe that friendship is a gift in itself and hate asking for anything more.

Those near and dear to me think that I should be compensated for my time. They believe that I’m dishonoring myself and the gift that I’ve been given if I give away my services all the time; especially if it stops me from me from completing something that I was working on.

I never really thought about it that way until last week. A friend and student of mine needed help finishing a prayer shawl and in the beginning it seemed a simple task. So I added three feet on it during a movie marathon weekend of knitting and handed it back feeling it was a job well done…only to find that she wanted it to be 7 feet not 5.

So this was okay. I needed to order more yarn (which she paid for) to finish the task and thank goodness for WEBS ‘cuz they had 7 balls of the stuff. The last remaining three feet took a little longer because I didn’t have another entire weekend freed up like that for just knitting. So at the end I had worked 40 hours on the shawl and that didn’t count me actually being the one to start it all those months ago or me ordering the yarn to finish it.

When people have asked to pay me in the past I always have said, “I work for $5 an hour or barter of goods or services.” I think this is fair and I know others who charge more. Fixing a pattern is not always an easy thing to do and many times I have to rip it out and start it over. Most times I just ask that they buy me a drink at Starbucks or something small if they have to do something and it was a quick fix.

Equating my time is a very gray area for me. I found it very hard to tell my friend that it took 40 hours of work to finish her prayer shawl…and at $5 an hour…well that was a lot of money. But after talking to many friends they argued that if I keep devaluing myself I will only hurt my self esteem in the long run.

So we agreed on cash and barter and she was happy to have her shawl done to give to her friend and I felt valued as a knitter. In the end it was a win/win situation.

But it was really hard to get to that end point. I don’t know why I find it so hard to ask for services rendered like I have committed some grave sin. I know if I go into town and ask for advice I will be charged $25 for 15 minutes of instruction at one of the yarn stores. Then my $5 for an hour looks pretty okay. This is just one of those areas I will really need to work on in my personal makeover.

Some actually knitting happened this week and I am in love with the way the dark purples seem to float in the air like lavender fields and the suri adds lightness and soft hues to the deep purple. This fabric is light and different then anything I’ve ever made. Since the yarns are both from Knitpicks; the colors match and flow with each other beautifully. The suri is so unbelievably soft. I really am pleased the way that this is coming out.

To those that celebrate Easter; I hope yours is full of family and happiness.

We are bringing a home cooked meal to the Assisted Living for my Mom and Dad. We are making one of those dishes that my Mother used to make for the holidays. I’m crocking a pork shoulder with veggies so we can be healthy and celebrate at the same time. I’m still working on picking a desert that is mid-ground.

Slowly all the pieces are coming together…how to meld everything so it creates a new reality. It takes work and time but like a beautiful piece of knitting; one day you wake up and there is a flow that wasn’t there before. You realize instead of struggling with every step that there is a give and take that creates harmony when you stop struggling and start living.

May your days be blessed with happiness,
Ruinwen
:)
We went to the circus last weekend. This picture really makes me smile. The elephants were really amazing. :)

Light and Shadow

2010-03-26T10:59:00.004-04:00

"Our lives improve only when we take chances ... and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves."

-- Walter Anderson

I’m at this point in my life change / goals…whatever you want to call it…I have to brutally honest with myself and face my shadows. I find this the hardest step of all.

I find after years of taking care of everything for my self and my family to a large degree; I find that don’t like to not be holding the reins in regard to my destiny. I continually have to bite my tongue to stop the “word vomit” from saying things I don’t really mean.

And this is hard for me to admit but it is happening more and more where I just feel so argumentative over the stupidest things because suddenly I’m afraid of not being in control of a situation.

"There are no guarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary."
-- Emmanuel

I don’t even know why this is so important…being in control. I do know from my essence work that it is a fear of something…but I’m not sure what.

So that is a big shadow that looms over me right now and I’m not sure what to do about it until I know where it is coming from.

The thing about shadows is they can’t exist without light. This weekend was full of sunshine and blue skies.

I think that I’ve finally gotten over last year where our weekends were dedicated to my parents and the house. These last two weekends have left me feeling rested and fulfilled at the same time.

We’ve cleaned and gotten rid of old things...especially clothes...and recycled or gifted them. We’ve made strives to create a home for two families where both have more places to put things like shoes and gloves. We’ve rearranged and let in more good chi and light into our living room.

This weekend we welcomed in Ostra as the evidence of Spring is everywhere around us. I pretty much just reinforced my New Year’s goals. I was happy to see that last year’s goals pretty much came to fruition…even if I didn’t record that fact here.

I usually prepare a big feast but DH wanted to go and eat BBQ outside and honor the day that way and really…it was a great idea. We then built a fire outside on the slab and had ritual on the deck. It was a huge change from having it inside at the hearth…but this is probably the first warm Ostra we’ve had like this in years.

My herb garden seemed to survive the winter better then I’d thought it would. I have new shoots and green leaves bursting forth. Smelling the aromatic fragrances of all my beloved green friends was a wonderful blessing indeed. My son has taken an interest in herbs and he helped me clean out the beds and prune the dead branches.

I have spent a lot more time with him now that we have time to spend; and he is turning into a wonderful young man. I have watched him really blossom this year in so many ways. I am so proud of all he has overcome and his compassionate nature. He is such a blessing to my life.

DH and I have had more time to talk again…which is something that I missed last year. We even got in some morning snuggle time on Sunday which made the whole day even better.

There seems to be a little time for everything again. And there is a balance being restored that is stronger then the chaos trying to pull it apart.

I know that there will always be shadows in my life; but as long as there is plenty of light as well…I will be okay.

Bright blessings and warm sunny hugs,
Ruinwen
:)

Note: The cherry blossoms are from my childhood home. They would always herald spring's return for us. Our street would be lined in sweet pink and at the first rain or wind we would be surrounded with pink snow. I will miss them this year as they join a list of memories dear that will be held forever in my heart.

PROMISES KEPT

2010-03-18T09:21:00.000-04:00

"Joy is prayer - Joy is strength - Joy is love - Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls. She gives most who gives with Joy."

Mother Teresa

I made a promise that I couldn’t keep for one reason or another last year. This year I intend to make good on it.

There is a wonderful blogger friend of mine who always has a kind word and sympathetic ear (actually that sums up most of you *hugs*) who got together with me on a spiritual exchange of sorts. I picked out a pretty purple mohair to cast on the Athena Smoke Ring from The Knitting Goddess by Deborah Bergman.

Athena the Goddess of wisdom, warriors, spinning, harmony and a bunch of other things, would many times follow her heroes around invisibly. As I’ve knit this I have envisioned this cowl protecting my friend…inspiring her and allowing peace and harmony to enter in when times are stressed and hectic.

Each stitch has been made with love and respect for a wonderful, beautiful human who enriches my life just by being in it.

I find this knit flying off my fingers…working on it seems to be blessing me with a deep inner peace. The purple changes to violet at times and reminds me of the chakra progression. I can feel the fiber hum with delight as a connection is made as I spiral around again and again.

As I weave in the final ends a fleeting mantra dances in my mind. “There is no beginning…no end…there is only now.”

I’ve been so worried about making all the pieces fit...I’d forgotten that the glue that binds it all together is Spirit dancing between the moments in my life.

What makes us forget the things that are really important? Why do we momentarily forget who we are?

There is a story about the Gods hiding in men’s hearts because They knew that no one would look for Them there.

Overwhelming emotions so easily can destroy our sense of balance and distort our well being. Thank the Gods that Spirit stays waiting patiently within us until we can once again see the light.

My journey right now is still in the crawling stages. When you start out everything is shining and beautiful. The scenery is new and exciting and I am full of hope and good cheer.

I am starting and finishing things…which, is a lot for this Aries.
I am staying true to my WW points and the weight keeps slowly coming off.
I continue to work out and my body starts to enjoy it more and more.
Slowly I’m paying that one big bill down and there is an end in sight…it may be a many months down the road…but it will happen this year.
I am balancing chores with the things that are really important like time with family.

For now this is enough.

Bright blessings to you and yours,
Ruinwen
:)

Note: I wrote this post a while ago when I finished the cowl since this was to be a secret project I didn’t want to post it yet so the emotion woven through it is quite different even if the message is the same.

Erin Go Bragh!

2010-03-17T07:04:00.006-04:00

May the blessings of the green isle and the "good neighbors" be yours today.
*hugs*
:)

Musings in My Shower

2010-03-11T11:12:00.010-05:00

"The body has its own way of knowing, a knowing that has little to do with logic, and much to do with truth, little to do with control, and much to do with acceptance, little to do with division and analysis, and much to do with union."
-- Marilyn Sewell

So, I’ve been sick since last week with a cold that is really hanging on. Despite that I’ve only missed one day of work and have kept up with most of life.

In my quasi blurred state I’m having trouble tracking my thoughts so this may not be my most poignant post. But the act of posting is very important to my well being. I find that expressing myself through this blog is helping me to heal and become a better person.

After writing about “staying true to one’s beliefs” in my last post I began thinking about bath scrubbies. *yes you heard me right*

My little scrubbie is made of plastic and I really haven’t thought about it before. But really, I should be using something that I can wash easily…that is gentle on the skin…yet abrasive enough to do the job that scrubbies are faced with.

So my next big task is to make a scrubbie that is eco-friendly and kind to the skin as well. Something that can be thrown in and washed with the towels and at the same time will help my soap become good and lathery.

Life is made up of little things that make a difference on such a small scale that by themselves they might seem to barely matter. But if you piece together all these little things they form a greater cohesive whole.

Saving money is like that…one dollar might not be much but keep putting away a dollar here and there and it grows to a much larger sum.

I had trouble saving in the beginning because I felt guilty that I was paying myself first…yet, that is what all the money gurus tell you to do. Also, I thought it would be better to pay off my credit card rather then save money but I was wrong there too.

I was lucky enough to have a money guide that taught me that doing anything with money is like dieting…it takes time, commitment and diligence. My guide told me that you should always pay more to the card then the minimum payment calls for…even if you can only do it by a few dollars.

This gets you in the habit of adding in a little more and as the money frees up those extra dollars add up. The habit is just as important as the money itself.

At the same time he told me, you should put away a little. I could only do $25 a month at first. So I opened an ING account because the money was out of sight and out of mind. But again the amount was not what was truly important…the habit of saving was.

When I started this financial serenity plan four years ago I wasn’t sure I could stick to the budget I had created which also included day care, charities, a UTMA and 529 for my son and all the little behind the scenes things I pay for each month.

A budget is much harder then a diet. In a diet you can say, “No, I won’t eat that,” and go on with your day. You can’t say to your budget, “Sorry, I’m not fixing the car this month…or no, I won’t take my child to the doctor.”

That is what I found out the savings is for. So when life hands you lemons you can say, “Well, I’m glad I had an emergency fund for that.”

That moment of clarity when you realize your financial serenity isn’t some far day in the future…instead it is now…this moment. And for me that was a beautiful feeling.

Was there a point to this ramble of disjointed thoughts that I had while using my plastic scrubbie in the shower?

Actually…yes.

All things truly worth having take time and effort. You can’t put into effect big changes in a day…but you can make little continual changes that in the long run enrich your life.

*germ free hugs and bright blessings*

:)

Notes:
First of all, I only wish that was my shower.
Second, I know that everything I have is a blessing.
Third, I'm not suggesting my financial guidelines should be followed by anyone but me...I'm just writing my process to financial serenity. It has been a long hard road for me...but I think I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. But that may just be an oncoming dragon. ;)

The Path We Choose

2010-03-02T09:39:00.007-05:00

"More important than finding the teacher is finding and following the truth of the teaching...."
-- Sogyal Rinpoche

Walking Your Talk is a New Age buzz phrase that you hear a lot of these days. But what does it really mean?

There is a story told about Mahatma Gandhi:

A lady brought her son and said he ate too much sugar. She wanted Gandhi to tell him to stop. Gandhi said to bring the child back the next week. The next week she brought the child and Gandhi said “Stop eating sugar child”. And the child did. A month later the lady came back and said “My child has done what you asked, but why could you not have spoken to him the first time I came.” “Lady”, said Gandhi, “a week earlier I was still eating sugar”.

“Walking Your Talk” is living what you say. It makes you accountable for actually following your personal beliefs, tenants, laws, commandments or rules that govern your life.

It is a hard path to follow. And it makes you think…a lot…about every choice and each thing you say and do.

For instance, when I realized that my son was being subject to a toxic soup of bath and shampoo products…I felt that I had not followed my healing path. It was a horrible awakening and I threw everything away from cleaners to beauty products.

Now we only use natural products. Natural products have a shorter shelf life because there are no preservatives in them. There are no separators to keep the product looking good; so many times you have to give your product a good shake before using. But who cares? It was so worth it to switch!

It is like my diet. I am dedicated to it. I track my points. I eat on points. End of story. I made a commitment to myself and that is that. When someone says, “Go on eat it; it doesn’t matter,” I get upset. It really does matter to me.

Ask any recovering addict if taking one (fill in vice of choice) will destroy all they have worked so hard for. The things that we believe in, that shape the way we live may be personal but they have meaning.

I am watching the pounds fall away and a new me take shape inside and out. And it feels really…good. Today I wore a top that I haven’t been able to fit in for two years…last night I slept on my stomach for the first time in two years. Yes, they are two little things that don’t mean much in the grand scheme of things…but to me they are gems in my crown.

And these things are only possible by staying true to my beliefs and walking my talk.

This is Ishbel done and blocking. I love her. She was a struggle...but well worth it in the end.

On the craft front I’ve been knitting from stash. My stash…like my WIP list…is huge. I keep thinking I have a handle on everything and then I find another poor project tucked away and forgotten. I’m trying to round up all these orphans and either finish them or frog them.

I’ve been working hard to finish things up and not start up a project until another is done. And that is going really well. I have finished up more projects already this year then I had finished all of last year. I’m working on making things for fair too.

All this has a deeper meaning because if the projects are under control then I will start designing again. This is not an easy process but it is one that I enjoy. Taking an idea in my head and getting it to adhere to gauge is always very challenging for me. I am horrible with math and I end up having to ask DH to check my calculations.

Everything flows into something else and all things have meaning if one takes the time to look.

When I started to think about walking it made me ponder each step. Steps seem so insignificant by themselves but without each leg of a journey we would never get anywhere. Without each foot following the other; we would stand still.

Each goal is like this. Each one has steps to achieve it. To try and do all the steps at once will spell disaster; but to do the best you can in working towards your goals each day will bring forth a satisfying journey. And before you know it you will be at your goal.

But you must be dedicated and true to your purpose. It doesn’t have to be a grandiose goal…just important to you.

I'm sorry to reuse a photo...but my mouse stuffer is not feeling well. The ones I made this week were magenta and a heathery blue that changes color with the light.

One of my craft goals is to have 20 mice made by the end of the month. I’ve got 7 knit up already. :)

Little steps…each one leads to another…and one of these days I’ll find myself somewhere…all I know is that I intend to enjoy the journey.

*hugs*
<3
Ruinwen
:)

Spirals of Change

2010-02-19T09:59:00.007-05:00

So, one of the little things I’ve been doing to keep me motivated during all these life changes is to reward myself now and then. For each five pounds lost I’ve been buying a little something. And at the 10 pounds gone mark I thought it should be something really special.

I always wear a pentagram. To me it sums up my religion; man at one with the elements and nature. And every few years I get a new one to celebrate a change in self.

I must say I fell in love with this at first glance. Garnet is my magical stone and it is red…and I’m all about the red…being a Mars/Aries. The flower morphing from the penti is just beautiful since I am an herbal healer. I feel this really emphasizes the 5 fold path that I follow also. So this is my new penti and I love it. It is so me.

It is funny as I lose pieces of myself I find myself discovering more and more of my true inner core. I was writing my sweet sister about how all the ice is really resonating with me. Because I feel like my soul has been frozen and now it is melting and revealing something that I had forgotten.

I guess I had overlooked the fact I was still in there.

You know Doctors will tell you that when you shed fat that a lot of toxins are also let go with it. As a healer who can feel energy I believe that pockets of energy are also held captive in the body and released at this time.

Let me heal “geek” for a moment. There are meridians or channels which run through your body. When a person is blocked, energy, chi, prana or whatever you call it, cannot circulate. This blockage will eventually cause some sort of discomfort on one or more of the three levels: physical, mental or spiritual.

The meridians run through the limbic system of the brain where emotional memories are stored and moods are regulated. It is believed that the meridians hold our unresolved emotions and feelings. When you free up the energy blockage these emotions are also freed.

I’ve found that these emotions being freed brings about different changes in me day to day and I’ve just been flowing with them. I’ve been listening to the different complaints my body is making and striving to “heal” that part of myself that has been neglected.

For the first time in…forever…I am awake with my alarm and not dragging or tired but rested and fresh and ready to take on the day…without coffee. If you know me…you know I love my coffee…but it was always an occasional thing and then I started using it to wake up and by the end of the day I was just…done.

I found out daily coffee is not good for my personal being. It was hurting me and I didn’t even know it. So, I’ve been off it for a month now. I’ve been having this amazing Himalayan Black tea which sis got me for Yule that I really, really love first thing in the morning and it has made such a difference.

One change has spiraled into another and now heading into March I can honestly say that every step has been worth it.

Here is a scarf I started a while ago with yarns I could only afford one skien of. This weekend thanks to my BF, I finished it. It is just a simple garter stitch done lengthwise...but to me this is more then a scarf. To me this is keeping a promise to me. I always put the projects that are going to me aside to do things for others. And while it is good to be giving and kind...one should give that same respect to the self. So this was another way to honor myself and it really felt good!

Finally Ishbel is off the needles and drying right now. This is the first project that I have "blocked the heck out of". I can't wait to see what she looks like. I think IMHO this may be some of the finest lace I have ever done.

So all in all, this was a good week. The skies are threatening and the wind is howling but I finished two projects so in the grand scheme of things...I'm pretty darn happy.

*hugs to you all*
<3
:)

Life-lines

2010-02-16T09:58:00.003-05:00

One of the hardest things I went through last year is that my Mother, my best friend and confidant...has lost her short term memory. The woman I relied on for years with all the silly little things in my life...the wonderful friend I trusted with every secret...needs me now.

And I realize that it is very selfish of me…but sometimes I just want my Mommy. I want to cry and tell her how I really messed up…or have her eyes show with pride over something I’ve done…or have her give me advice peppered with wisdom and age.

And I don’t know if it is the snow, or taking off a layer of fat that had a memory stored away or even the essence working to heal me…but it is like I am reliving it all over again.

From a healer’s standpoint it means I didn’t work through it the last time…I just accepted, or hid it or whatever. Everything was so crazy last year and there was little time to think…but now…now with the snow piled up and white as far as the eye can see…I’m thinking…

It’s like a life-line in knitting. You can rip back to the row before your mistake and work through the whole thing again…which, is what I had to do with Ishbel. This little lace pattern is taking much more patience then I thought it would. So I’ve got life-lines and markers at every repeat…which move with each row and every repeat; so really it is a pain in the butt.

But this time I’m taking it slow and really focusing and I'm back to where I started before I ripped. The lace is starting to emerge and I remember why I chose this pattern. I love lace. I love the way the holes and paired decreases tell a story and paint a picture with negative space. Which is why I chose the frozen spiderweb for this post. There is something so magical about a web; spiders are knitters after all, making their own personal lace that adorns nature with such great beauty.

I’ve been thinking about the world waiting to emerge as the seasons begin to change...(I know what Phil said...and I'll be up to my eye-balls in snow till Summer...but let a girl dream 'kay?) ...and honing my spiritual seeds that I will plant at Ostra. I always make this little container of sorts that hold the seeds of the things I hope to accomplish this year. I’m not sure what container I am creating this year…but I’m meditating on it.

My personal “container” continues to get smaller and my muscles are getting stronger too. My clothes are really fitting better and I can already wear a few things I couldn’t at the beginning of the year. This weekend my Wii adjusted my avatar to the "normal" range. *and there was much rejoicing*

So all in all…I’m doing okay…much better then a few weeks ago.

*hugs to all of you*
Ruinwen
:)

A Breather

2010-02-12T09:00:00.003-05:00

Here is our neighborhood during the 2nd blizzard.

Here is Widdershins chillin' with the boys.

The winds crafted some wicked icicles.

These are my favorites. These icicles have been there since just after Christmas...and I suspect they will not be going away any time soon.

Here is my completed scarf for Spring Fest. It feels good to finish a project that is not due for a while. I've really been trying to keep to my goal of three projects on the needles; one for me, one for charity and one for Vixenpath.

I rewarded myself by casting on this. Knitnana really inspired me to give this scarf/shawl a go. This is super yummy Araucania Ranco in color 105. I must say even though I struggled with this pattern because I can't count...no really...I'm totally in love with the subtle change in color and the delicate lace vines starting to emerge.

I want to thank everyone who wrote to me cheering me up. I think this season is a test of my will...more then others passed. I did do my reading and I was gifted with this wisdom.

The ice that covers everything symbolizes a transition between the conscious mind and the subconscious mind.
Quality time with your family will assure them of a secure future.
Whatever you begin or straighten out now, will last for years.
Discover future cycles in your life.
And the God and Goddess will always care for all of their children.

A lot to ponder. But being snowed in with your family for two days gives you time to think.

My essence came UPS...in the snow...FES rocks! So I have been using it and I feel a bit lighter...but that could be because I lost another pound! My clothes are fitting better and better and I'm really proud of how much I've accomplished.

Baby steps...

I can't believe it is Friday all ready. I can't wait to sit and knit tonight in front of the fire.

I wish you all a wonderful, safe and happy weekend.

Ruinwen
*hugs*
:)

*Oh, a shout out should go to DH who photographed all my pictures. Which reminds me as Valentine's Day rounds the bend...Thank you honey for always doing my photo shoots...it means so much to me to have pictures to post again. I love you! <3 *

Is it Spring Yet?

2010-02-07T19:47:00.005-05:00

"Knowing others is wisdom; knowing the self is enlightenment."
-- Tao Te Ching

I feel lost today. This weekend I felt really blah and stayed cuddled under a blanket while it snowed. I figured the world was under a mantle why not me?

This morning I woke from a dream as my alarm went off…very reluctantly.

I was searching in the dream for a tarot deck because mine had been sold and I was now missing certain cards. Every time I looked at them they were shrouded in mist and impossible to read.

I had just figured out how to get to the tarot store and gotten the nice lady’s attention when I was forced to wake up in the real world.

I feel like I am missing something…something important…and I just don’t know what it is.

I think I will do a reading tonight before bed and see if I can find some answers.

But for now I’ll muddle through as I usually do.

More snow is on the way…any snow will be enough to close us down again…most schools are out today…the Govt is off…side roads are disastrous…

*sigh*

I did get some knitting done and I got in three loads of laundry. I stayed on points and even had a loss again. I’m trying…really I am.

Where ever you are I hope you are safe and happy.

Oh, and those of you who are jealous of my snow...we left a big pile at the end of the driveway that you can come and take at any time...really. ;)

*hugs*
Ruinwen
:)

The Blizzard of 2010

2010-02-06T20:37:00.004-05:00

Just wanted to show you a peek of how awesome this storm was. I'm not sure what total inches were...because of drifts.

*winter hugs to you all*
Ruinwen
:)

This or Something Better

2010-02-04T07:49:00.004-05:00

*********************************
This is our last snow storm onWednesday this week...as you read this we are either bracing for a huge storm or in the middle of it.
*********************************
In an ongoing study of my “critical voice”, I’ve found that it can always find this higher ideal that I’m not living up to. For example; when I do lose the last 10 pounds, it will criticize me that I need to be toned or then it will complain about my hair…or something else. There is always something else to fret over…the next new thing.

That is why in the surge of taking care of the newest item of scorn the old sometimes slips from our minds…and next thing you know I’ve gained back three pounds. Of course my mind thinks I’ll just eat right for a few days and I’ll be back to goal weight…but this three…goal…three…goal routine finally goes to five pounds and then it becomes harder to hit goal again.

I was at goal weight for five years before I “slipped” the last time. As long as I could fit into my skinny jeans it was okay…but then I just gave up because my mental overload was way too high and just cramming food in my face seemed to take enough effort in itself.

I believe as I take off each layer that I shrouded myself in to cope with the transitions of the last few years…the issues that surrounded me then will revisit me until I heal them. This is when I usually start doubting not only myself but my path.

These snowy dark and gray days are not helping me either. I’ve seen many of you explaining how the world without sun is starting to immerse you with doubt and depression…and I’m right there with you.

But my Patron Goddess is one of ice and snow and this week was her feast day. And this time locked in winter’s embrace is meant to make us think. The Norse rune Isa is all about introspection and when something is frozen in time and space being able to look at it from all sides.

So on one side I have my depression and I acknowledge this as a hurdle for this Aries/Mars fire sign whose energy levels center around the sun. On another side I am surrounded by an awesome family and network of friends that spans cyberspace and numerous communities.

I’ve been having numerous dreams where I am lost. Last night I dreamt that I was in a school I had never been to before and I couldn’t find my classroom…I was totally disoriented. And when I finally got there I had to give a presentation on a subject I’d never even heard of. But when I opened my notebook there were notes from the previous classes that I didn’t remember attending and a teacher stood there gloating at me that I had never seen before. So I stepped up to the board and starting writing Faerie symbols and the teacher growled at me because that was not the assignment.

Now either the message of Heroes’ latest episode was making its way into my mind or my subconscious was trying to tell me something. Either way there is something that I’m holding on to that I need to delve in…something that I’ve frozen within me that needs to be observed from a place of love and light with no judgment or accusations.

These nudges from the PTB usually mean that a spiritual change has to be made. There needs to be a shift in perception as well as methodology. I’m feeling drawn back to my essence work. I gave up on my essences last year…because it was too much to actually work through the feelings when I was having them.

At least it is a start.

Even though I have the blahs…I’ve kept true to points and I keep losing a little at a time. I’ve been doing my workouts and taking my timeouts…I’ve been creating more and more balance between the things that have to be done with the things I want to do.

I’ve been finishing up promised projects and have started my socks for a traveling sock group…so I’m actually feeling really good on the crafting front. This weekend I will have plenty of time to sit and knit as the snow falls…and falls. If it starts when they say it will…I’m not sure we will have meet-up tonight and that makes me sad. But I will be with my sisters and brothers of the craft in spirit…

This week I planted my spiritual seeds that represent the things that I hope will bear fruit when the sun returns and the grounds melt. Even though Phil says six more weeks of winter; I will try and hold my head high and stay my course.

To those of you who celebrate…may the thoughts of dreams yet to be fullfilled during this time of ice and snow bring colorful and beautiful fruit in the days to come.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

POV

2010-01-29T07:35:00.005-05:00

Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.
Yoda

I promised myself I would blog even if there were no eloquent words or projects to show. It is far easier to do nothing and beat myself up about it inside then to sit here and spout out pieces of my heart. But I’m done with the easy road.

So here I am.

Did you see the moon this morning so big and bright? It took my breath away. It made me start thinking about reflections and our perception of them. The moon cannot make her own light; she clothes her face in the light reflected from the sun.

We reflect what is shining from within. We can pretend to wear a happy face and smile and laugh but usually our closest friends are not swayed by this false reflection.

A reflection is just a copy of the real thing peppered by our perception of the way we see it. POV…point of view defines how we look at everything including ourselves.

It is very hard to control or change our POV. For instance, I can step on a scale and see the weight loss and put on my clothes and see the difference in fit…the bagginess where everything was once snug…and still look in the mirror and think, “I’m huge.”

Everyone else who sees me will notice and mention casually, “You’ve lost weight,” or “Wow, are you down a size.”

And I just smile and tell them how hard I’ve been working and changing everything I’m eating while inside…deep inside…my inner mirror doesn’t believe a word of it.

Have you ever searched for something for say half the day, until you are ranting and screaming and ready to pull your hair out? Me too. Then to make it even worse what you are looking for is right there in front of you. You just couldn’t see it because our eye-brain connection can only see like 30% of what is actually there. It kind of fills in the blanks with other snippets of memory at will.

My friend showed me a video of a survey where they switched the guy giving directions with another in the middle of his spiel; and 75% of the people did not know that they had talked to two different guys.

So with all this POV distortion is there any wonder that I have so much trouble actually seeing myself and not the self I’ve created or the self I think I am?

I took a peek at the scale today…even though weigh in is Sunday…and it seems I’ve lost another two pounds…that is five pounds I’ve lost. If I look with my eyes I can’t see it. Well, maybe a little…but I’ve been building a lot of muscle too and it is hard to tell which is which right now.

I really wish my POV towards myself could be like it is towards my friends. I am so overly critical of my self and I talk to myself in a very cruel way…and I’m not sure why.

There are two really loud voices in my head that are constantly at war. One I like to call “the Goddess loves me” and the other “It doesn’t matter.”

And when I look at myself in a mirror I get both sides and what I see is somewhere in the middle. It goes a little like this…”Oh that necklace really brings out your eyes”…”who cares you’re too old and fat for anyone to take a second glance”…”but look you are wearing a top that you’ve not been able to fit in for a while and it looks so nice, you should be proud”…”but look at that hair, you look like a clown.”

Yeah, it is really noisy in my head.

So what am I to do? Shifting a POV I’ve spent 40+ years perfecting is not easy. But the only way to do it is with continued effort. So today when I looked in the mirror and heard the old song and dance, I wore the necklace just because I like it and the top…told the “it doesn’t matter” voice that I’ve lost 5 pounds and I’m within points and I’ve been working out and it took 20 years to put this weight on my ass and it will take a while to take it off and I’m willing to wait. That made my critical self cringe a bit and when the voice tried to goad me again, I just agreed with him..’cuz Lordy my hair is horrible this morning so I just styled it another way and it looks fine now.

My critical voice started stomping its feet…and stammering but I couldn’t hear it anymore. One victory does not win the war but it is a start.

*hugs to you all*
Ruinwen
:)

Serenity

2010-01-22T09:00:00.001-05:00

When I think of a way to define serenity it always comes down to water. Water can be liquid, gaseous or solid depending on the circumstances. It knows how to change form to suit the situation or its surroundings.

If an object enters its realm of influence, it flows around them and eventually settles sharing its space with the newcomer in harmony. When that object leaves the water; the space it occupied is swallowed and disappears…as if it never existed in the first place.

My goal for 2010 is to be more like water.

Last year for me was akin to a wild fire running through my being burning everything in its path until little was left. I was consumed by the events that surrounded me until I doubted my own purpose and knowledge of self.

Who’s to say why one being can take the trials and tribulations that have been piled on them with ease and another breaks under the burden of responsibility…but I broke into little pieces and I let the flames consume me until the rains came and put out the fires.

Now for the first time in so long I can see almost clearly. All the swirling chaos that surrounds me stays outside of me although it shares my space and dances through my days with me. I have learned again how to step outside of myself and see what is truly mine and what belongs to everyone else.

So I begin again to piece together the things that make me…well me. I draw them close to me and hold them dear and slowly I feel almost whole again.

My goals this year are simple and each calls in a different aspect that I have been lax to embrace.

Air – I want to create one thing that is mine…be it a poem or story, a knit pattern or a beaded necklace. I want to create one thing with joy in my heart and enjoy the process as much as the final project.

Fire – I want to be back in my skinny jeans at the end of the year…I’ve already joined Weight Watchers…again…third time is the charm right? I’ve down-loaded the app and I have been faithful for two weeks now. For two weeks before that I worked on finding a breakfast and coffee combo at Starbucks that works…’cuz I don’t have time to make breakfast or eat it before I leave the house…I’ve been doing elliptical 3 times a week and the Wii Fit Plus in between…I try to walk most days…even if it is in place for 1,000 steps at least once a day. And yes all this tracking and extra time to workout is just that…extra time that I am working into my day to form a seamless immersion. If I don’t have the points…I don’t eat it…I don’t cheat. But I find most things are doable if I plan a bit and I don’t feel like I’m suffering at all…except maybe from all that chicken flapping on the Wii…for some reason that really makes my arms ache. :)

Water – Serenity in every aspect of my life. Last year my husband and I embraced financial serenity. We have been working towards no commercial debt and we are almost there. Last year we had to buy a very expensive new heat pump and it drained our emergency funds and since we had to pay up front the rest went on the card. But that is okay. The amazing thing was that we were able to do it. Now we are building up the emergency fund again and working on paying off the balance…but I feel like a milestone has been reached and that feels really good.

Earth – this one I’m bad at…Go to all the doctors and dentists and appointments I’ve been putting off.

Spirit – Do things that make me smile. Last year I did so many things that I had to do that were difficult and made me hurt inside. So this year I want to try and sprinkle the stuff that “has to be done” with the stuff I really enjoy doing. So far I’ve identified what these nuggets are and I’m trying to embrace them as much as I can.

Not an impossible list…but each one will take a little time and a little doing. If I can take a breath and think like water…I think each one is possible.

I thank all of you that checked in on me from time to time and tried to cheer me up. You all are so important to me and I’ve missed writing this blog…but the words for so long wouldn’t come. Even now I struggle with phrases that flowed off my fingers before…but baby steps…

Hugs to all of you and yours.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

Just Breathe

2009-06-30T08:56:00.006-04:00

Breath is the link between the inner and outer worlds.
- Alice Christensen

You know how when you start something there is sometimes that moment in which you inwardly shriek in terror at the Herculean task you have accepted? At the moment of inception there is such a great doubt that you can ever complete such a monumental undertaking?

I must say when we started cleaning Dad’s house a year and a half ago, I really didn’t think that this day would ever come. I tried to imagine it and stay true to the plan but in my head I had my doubts.

Last week we used our vacation to clean the house and move my Father to the same assisted living as my Mother. This gigantic task could not have been completed without the support and strong muscles of my soul mate and best friend. DH has been a miracle to me throughout this entire process…as he always is. I am very blessed.

My sister who has been through the whole process, mourned with me and Dad as we moved him out of his home. Sis was amazing at helping us do what needed to be done and being able to fill in the gaps as we went. She helped set up Dad at AL when I was too tired to move and helped make the move a smooth one. The God and Goddess have blessed me by giving me such a wonderful sister.

I was also incredibly blessed that my BF and her whole family (much to their dismay) helped us most of the week. Without her, I’m sure Dad would have never made it up here. She used her first week of summer vacation to help me move…there is no greater love then that.

My nephew also lent us a hand and made a huge difference to the time in which it took to get the truck loaded on the last day. My knitting friend came to help us when we were ready to drop and she made unloading go so much easier that we all got a second wind and could finish the job.

Nana and Pop Pop watched my son for the week and that too was a blessing since we basically left in the morning and crawled into bed each night exhausted. It was nice to know he was having fun with people he loves.

Another knitting friend covered for me on our square project. She updated and answered e-mails and that really meant so much to me.

My support system is awesome. I am so blessed! When I needed help, everyone was there. And I can never thank you all enough. From the nice lady at Starbucks who saves me almond toffee nut bars to the nice lady learning to make drinks that poured me my mudslide on Friday night…and everyone in between…May the God and Goddess bless you all.

Having good friends is like having oxygen suddenly when you were struggling to breathe a moment before. It lightens your soul and somehow makes it all easier to bear.

I went to visit Dad and he wasn’t there so I tried again yesterday and caught him before he went out again. It was such a joy to see him so happy. As much as I know he misses the house and his old life, I can see that he is settling into this one. He has new people to tell his stories and show his pictures. There are many Vets there so he feels right at home. He is with his “beautiful girl” (that’s what he has been calling Mom the past few days) again and the loneliness of being apart from her is gone from him.

You know that commercial with the lines like…one moving truck for 4 days…one 10 foot dumpster…a year and a half of toting stuff back to our home. Dad smiling in his new room...PRICELESS. To see Dad happy makes the aches go away and it all falls into place. I am so happy and thankful…and blessed.

Last week is a blur…but I’m slowly cleaning up and finding where I was. I haven’t really been crafting much. But that is okay.

For now I’m just going to take the time to breathe and reconnect.

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

Holes

2009-06-02T10:15:00.001-04:00

Obsidian, originally uploaded by Ruinwen.

Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.
-- Orison Swett Marden

I don’t know if I’ve told you before how terrified I am of death; which is so ironic since my name means “reaper”. But I am. I’m always afraid that this is it and wow, haven’t I really messed up this one chance that I’ve been given to make something wonderful of the time I’ve been given?

I believe in reincarnation and other worlds and so much other stuff that I take on faith. It seems stupid to be afraid of death when in my heart I believe we go on in some form or fashion. But I am.
When Obsidian died in our arms a week ago there was no fear or hesitation. My son and I watched vigil for the 15 minutes between us finding him unable to move and the moment he left us for his next life.

My son the old soul that he is asked the God and Goddess, “All I ask is in his next life may he find a family that loved him as much as we did.”

I believe in my heart he will.

My life seems to be developing holes in it as of late. When my LYS closed it formed a little yellow hole in our town. I couldn’t just stop by and see friends or sit and knit for a little with people I cared about. It still feels weird to see the building without the sign…like something isn’t quite right in my world.

Obsidian passing created a huge hole in my heart and in our home. I am happy that he hardly suffered, the steroids kept him going to the very end. We spoiled and loved him to his last breath. When he died he was surrounded by people who loved him and always will. But I miss him fiercely.

I realize that it has been over a month since I posted and that too seemed like a hole I just couldn’t fill. How can I sum up my feelings in a sentence or two and create colorful antidotes when the words just won’t flow?

But in the world of circles and cycles after each death comes a rebirth and I feel it is time to try and find my place again and leave the holes open to welcome in new things. Nothing is forgotten but time lessens the pain a bit each day and there is still so much to do I can’t stop for long.

I’ve missed your blogs and I’m out of touch but give me a few and I will find my way back.

Not all who wander are lost.
Tolkien

Bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)