Tuesday, January 27, 2009

YIN / YANG



"Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them."
-- Orison Swett Marden

I have been feeling under attack as of late by more outside forces then I could handle at the same time and I lost my focus. I let those people and things control me and that has to stop. No one has permission to have power over me.

I’m usually the voice of reason…the peace at any price pacifist who works with everyone to bring harmony about. But at my core I’m an Aries ruled by the planet Mars. That is two warrior Gods that live and breathe in me and when I hit the point of no return…watch out.

No one…and I mean no one threatens my family in any shape or form. And my soon to be (not soon enough) SIL called protective services saying her children were living in filth and squalor. They summoned my child from class to talk to protective services without him knowing why he was being called. They came to our house and ran though a list of empty accusations that were all unfounded and proved as false by protective services.

What was proven was exactly as we said as it was stated in court when my BIL got custody of the children. My MIL and FIL built each of the children and my BIL their own rooms out of our bottom basement level. They have their own bathroom. My FIL even wired each of the rooms on their own switch system. Not to mention we love the kids and enjoy having our new extended family. Our house may be chaotic with three kids running around playing but it is full of love and family. The kids are safe, clean, warm and well fed.

Have you ever seen a Klingon abjuration ceremony? They all turn their back on the outcast member and for all practical purposes that person no longer exists to them. She no longer exists to me.

I do not understand hurting others and causing pain as an objective for self worth. I do not understand how lying and breaking the law makes you a good person. I do not understand her manipulative mind and how the things she does makes sense. So I turn my back on her. I don’t want her energy…I’m tired of her presence hurting my family and those I care about. I abjure her.

This doesn’t mean I wish her harm or want anything bad to happen to her. I just want her out of my life. I pray her to her highest good and hope she can make peace with all she has done. I’m not judging her deeds…I am saying I don’t understand her choices and at this point I really don’t care to.

I’m sorry if I sound contrary to my happy usual self. I’m sorry if you don’t agree with my choice. I’m sorry if I sound like a b*tch. Everyone has a breaking point and I’ve reached mine. I’m done.

*DEEP BREATH*
















This weekend I began a wonderful plan. Starbucks has this new drive to give 5 hours to your community. I am spearheading a Knit 5 Squares project for our entire town. I figured 5 squares should about equal 5 hours of service for everyone. DH and I will put the squares together. We are going to donate them to the Assisted Livings and Community Living Centers in our town. I already have 20 people in…that is 100 squares…I’m really excited about this idea of giving back.

Giving back to the place you live is always a win/win. If you bolster where you live then you only help yourself. You keep your town in business and bring in prosperity as a whole to your area. Twice a week I stop at a wonderful Italian Deli and get salad or sandwiches. I pick up little odds and ends for cooking and feel good about buying from one of our Main Street stores.

A few years ago our Main Street had a huge fire. It was devastating to our town and the economy of this area. This tragedy almost killed the town. But much like the Whos in a Grinch Who Stole Christmas we banded together and joined hands and saw what was at the heart of all of us…love…community…kindness…compassion. People gave time, money and services to those in need. A few of the businesses didn’t survive but most did.

I got to know most of those businesses and their owners by name. They stopped being just places to me and I saw them as people with families and dreams…just like me.

Some say the fire though a horrible tragedy was the best thing to happen to the town because it brought the people together into a common purpose. Remember after 9/11 how everyone was nicer and full of compassion and then things went back to normal? I refuse to go back to normal. I refuse to take anyone for granted and includes the people that take my trash and the sweet lad that can’t hit my driveway with a paper.

Having a blog has brought a community to me that I never would have found on my own. Ravelry has opened a world to me of wonderful crafters and beautiful people. In my own town I have found a group of knitters which have all become such wonderful friends. That is why blending my talent with helping the community while sharing this experience with people I care about and admire is such a wonderful opportunity for me.

And so you have it Yin and Yang. This post is about extremes and contradictions and in the end about being human. I’m really not a mean person. I take spiders outside instead of killing them. I cry at anything touching including commercials. I can find spirituality in anything. And I still have a lot of growing to do. But if you’ve ever seen a Mother bear with her cubs…never come between me and those I love. ‘Nuff said.

Happy Crafting,
Ruinwen
:)

Picture 1: My son with the 220 scarf in a Namaste pose
Picture 2: My niece modeling the 220 scarf
Picture 3: Obsidian and Widdershins sharing each other's space (a rare occurrence)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Sisters









"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star."

-- Nietzsche



This post is going to be all over the place. My mind is like a closet that needs cleaning today.

I’ve been holding my friends close lately…in my heart…never far from my thoughts. So many of you are being affected by the state of the world it makes my heart ache. …poor economy, financial trouble, layoffs, husbands…brothers…sons at war, illness of self or those you love…

I just want to send you all a big ****hug****

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

I ask the air to keep hope alive when the dark night of the soul sets in. I ask fire to keep the will strong so that the impossible is never out of reach. I ask water that connects us all heart to heart that the love that we have for our families and friends be an endless well that uplifts and supports us. I ask the Earth for Her forgiveness and to continue to give us a home where we can live and love and create a better day. I ask the God to watch over my friends and keep them safe. I ask the Goddess to care for them and provide them with what they need. So mote it be.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Have you heard about this CPSIA? After Feb 10th you will no longer be able to sell or donate any item that has not been tested. So if you are a loving charity giving sweetheart…get those items in now because after the 10th they will be considered “a heath hazard.” I know this law is well meaning but it is just well…not. This two edged sword that protects our children will kill so many small businesses that can not pay the testing fees that it makes me cry thinking about it. The charities that are shutting down their children’s divisions because they can’t afford the testing…just turns my stomach.

I was fingering the little hat they gave me for my son…who was such a miracle to us…some loving soul hand knit that for him. Someone like you…the dear readers of my blog who are so giving…

I mean truly how can the yarn companies which are in as much trouble as everyone else even afford the testing? *shakes head*

So no children’s items this spring…all my items will have a disclaimer, “Not for children 12 or under,” on them. Better to be safe then sorry. “rolls eyes”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

People seemed to like my writing…that was nice. I’m waiting on the judging to find out if he deems me a writer with talent. Regardless…it was a fun experience.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****











My Vanna project has given me nothing but trouble and I ripped over and over before I figured out something that works. I still can’t show you more then the sneak peak above...but I named it Sisters.

I have a sister by birth who is the best. We are totally night and day from each other but somewhere in the middle we come together and are really tight. We make time to hang with each other each week because we love each other’s company. We finish each other’s sentences and break into song together. She always shows me a new and different way to look at things. Even in my darkest moments she can constantly make me smile. When I face life’s hardest hurdles she is always there to hold my hand. I love her plain and simple. She is an amazing, talented, smart woman who I am blessed to call family.

Then I have a sister who is not related but she’s stuck by me through thick and thicker. Again we really have differing views on most everything but it doesn’t matter. We are joined at the heart and have been for years. She’s always been there when I didn’t have a clue where to go next. She always listens to me and my crazy stories and is someone I can really count on. My love and respect for her is huge. She is an extraordinary mother, a super smart teacher and able to fix anything with parts. I am blessed to have her as a friend and she and her family was adopted into ours years ago.

So my project is to honor these two special women. It stopped being about the contest as much as what as I wanted to say. In this crazy world where who knows what will happen next, it is comforting to me to know such beautiful, vibrant beings who are not only my sisters but also my best friends. I am truly blessed.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

For all of your well wishes and prayers and good thoughts…thank you. Every one of you means so much to me and one day I’ll design something to commemorate the beauty of community.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Mom moved into her new digs this weekend. I like her new room it is homey and has a nice view of the woods. She was really optimistic and happy and then went back to being depressed and confused. My horoscope prepared me for that so I was okay…I even told DH before we left to see her that I had a feeling it was talking about Mom. Wish I’d been wrong but what can you do?

Moving took most of the weekend and the rest was filled with deep intellectual discussions about BSG and the season opener. Don’t worry I won’t discuss all that here but WOW…that was an intense episode.

My goals are simple for this week…do not promise anything I cannot handle, soak in bath for at least an hour and if Sisters is not done by Sunday night at 8:00 p.m.…let the contest go. I love it regardless of what is done with it and that is all that matters.

*warm hugs* and bright blessings,
Ruinwen
:)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Focus

Heyoka and Snow Cat

"Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention."
-- Greg Anderson

I pulled my shoulder out this weekend and the pain was excruciating but I fought it because it was my dear sister’s birthday. I was able to do all that needed to be done because my focus was on others not me.

Needless to say as soon as I hit the pillow the pain became my focus and I did not sleep. There wasn’t a position that made my shoulder even feel remotely better. It was a long night.

I took Monday off and kept heat on it all day while taking flexoril. I didn’t do anything that might hurt it. No knitting…no writing…no cleaning…no anything. This left me with a lot of time to think.

In spiritual terms this injury was with my right arm…my giving arm. With the left we take in and the right we give out. So I guess this is my body’s way of saying I’ve been spreading myself too thin?

All weekend I’d been feeling pretty off and I thought I’d been good when I stayed home instead of going to the pool party. I slept the entire time. I didn’t stay up late and I really tried to get some rest this weekend. I didn’t overbook any day and tried to spread all the stuff we had to do out. So it really didn’t make any sense to me.

Until I heard coyote laughing…it could have been the 3 extra shots they put in my frap through my drug induced, sleep deprived haze but I know I heard that furry trickster who just happens to be one of my totems yucking it up big time.

The joke was on me. My heyoka was ROLFing while I tried desperately to figure out what the heck was so darn funny.

Did you ever see the Cartoon with Joker and Harlequin where she has Batman strung up over a tank of piranha?

Joker’s like, “What’s so funny about that?”

And she replies, “If you turn upside down all their little faces have smiles on them.”

And he in turn says, “If you have to explain it to me then it is not funny.”

That whole train of thought made my heyoka stop laughing. He actually started pouting and promptly disappeared.

After a moment of silence another guide of mine popped into my head, “You shouldn’t tease him like that.”

“Me,” I exclaim angrily, “He shouldn’t play so many games.”

“You know that is his nature. He was just trying to teach you about yours.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“Hon you spent the whole week out of focus with your new prescription yet you managed to conquer every obstacle that came your way. This weekend you balanced taking care of you with the needs of your family. You’ve spent the last few months learning what helps to keep you happy and centered and you’ve worked each day to make sure you focus on those things.”

I waited for him to give me an answer to this plaguing question in my head. What did all this mean? I knew he would make me understand this life lesson and clear up any doubt that was in my head with his next statement.

He cleared his throat, “The lesson is that you shouldn’t reach two feet over your head for something that is really heavy. Next time use a step ladder.”

I could hear coyote laughing again and this time I joined him.

Ruinwen
:)

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Striving to Bloom

Can You Feed Me?Risking it all

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.
by Anais Nin



Happy New Year!

This is my first post of 2009 and as promised it is on a Wednesday. My goal is to post on Wednesday every week because it is in the middle of everything…kinda like me. I was born on a Wednesday and they say I should be full of woe…but I’m not…never have been. I’m the kind of person who still looks for unicorns and believes in Santa Claus. I’m all about making the impossible…possible.

This week the task is to figure out how to fit Mom’s two rooms into one without her freaking out too much. Last week when we worked on paring down her clothes she accused us of “throwing all her things away.” *sigh* I’ve decided that we won’t try and get ahead by packing up anything else…we will just wait till the move day and that will be so traumatic that she won’t notice as much what is coming and what is going.

That is if she is there. Mom has an appointment with a memory specialist and there is a chance they will keep her for a while. Everything is always up in the air…the trick is to learn how to juggle. Some days I amaze myself by keeping those balls flowing and sometimes they hit me in the head before falling to the ground. But c’est le vie.

Dad’s tests came out within acceptable parameters. He has leakage in his heart but it is not bad enough to worry. So I will accept that because what else can you do?

I got my little boy back and it was so good to see him. I really missed him around New Year’s. He’s only been gone a week but yet he seems so different. I noticed that he was really following the anime we were watching and asking really good questions where before all the complications of the story were too much to follow for him. And *praise the God and Goddess* he actually got up on time for school on Monday without complaint and was dressed and ready to go before his Dad. *sniff* my little boy is growing up and it is a blessing to see!

Obsidian in a Box
Obsidian loves his box


And me…I’m not sure what is going on with me but I’m opening myself up a little. I entered a writing contest just to do it. As I told a blogger friend, it is not the winning that is important...though that is always nice...it is the risking a piece of my soul enough to let someone see something born from deep inside me.

I was compelled to write this piece…it just fell out of me like a bout of crying and I felt really cleansed after writing it. Here is the link to the page; my submission is #2.

So while I was in a risking mood I got an e-mail from Lion yarn about the Vanna White contest. I have an idea for a pattern and truthfully I really love her yarn…but it will all be hush hush until that deadline passes also.

Jared Flood Scarf

So this is something I can show you; my Jared Flood Noro scarf that is not Noro at all. (Sorry it is so dark.) I’m using two types of Cascade 220 and I just love this for a relaxing knit. I’m going to be knitting from stash until May…but I plan on trying this with Noro at some future point.

I’m actually going to make 3 of these scarves with 3 different color combinations just to see how diverse it can look while staying within the same color family.

And *drum roll* please…I found a yarn in my stash that is the right weight to cast on my Cat Bordhi little sock. Not that it is cast on yet…but I found the yarn…baby steps.

I’ve found that I can be good to myself while everything is crazy as long as one of those balls that I’m juggling is me…and truth be told my ball is in the air much more then it hits the ground. lol

DH made it mandatory that I go to knit nights on Friday. This is good for two reasons; 1) my son gets to hang with his Dad and they have time to play shooter games together (ah...the hunter-gather’s bonding) and 2) I know that once a week for 2 or 3 hours I will get to knit in a relaxed yummy environment. One of the ways I function is instead of dreading something I try and look forward to something.

For instance I know that I can eat healthy all day without qualm if I know that there is something yummy waiting for me for desert…like a Skinny Cow. I love those! So even if the week is horrible, I know on Friday I will knit and that changes everything.

I’ve found that the relationship with one’s self is just like any other, it takes constant attention and work but in the end all that effort is totally worth it.

Hope you have a wonderful week! Happy crafting,
Ruinwen
:)